This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

[RudyB]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

yeah, red. go on with your sleeping, camping, swimming self! i hope you find it restorative. and maybe you can inspire bud bud... (more on that, please.) as i've mentioned, my bro was a severe problem drinker. ok, a total lush. he got sober on his own and with therapy. nothing more than that and a LOT of willpower. amazing. i feel like a wimp by comparison, but i've got nothing to prove. and he's very supportive in his gentle, smart way. i hope you find solace in his company regardless. and i hope you can level out your dosing. i'm having the same exact problems with mine. not taking enough during the day, maxing out at night, waking up very tired. tough stuff, and i don't even have work schedule as an excuse.

can't wait to hear more from you. tell that computer to behave!

[redhead77]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

Murphy, you can't always live vicariously through me. Often, my life is the mundane, sometimes it's disturbing. :H

No computer Miss Rudy. My brother's computer is on the fritz, so I'm using my phone. Luckily, I can text like the speed of light, so it's not as painful to me as it could be for others. And the iPhone rocks, so while not perfect, it still works.

My Bud Bud ( I guess I should be capitalizing, as it's his name). He is probably the closest person to me on earth. He will always be. We are bonded in only a way survivors can be. He is only 20 months younger than me, but he would tell you, I raised him. Our very sick alcoholic mother wasn't up to the task. At least later anyway. We did have some peaceful years. Ten to be exact, she stayed sober for 10 years through AA. She was a fabulous woman/mother when sober.

I think because of our circumstances, Bud Bud had a rough start in life. Being raised by your not so big sister, isn't exactly ideal. He also suffers from pretty severe ADHD. It runs in the family. He dropped out of college and he's always been the black sheep.
Familial alcoholism and ADHD aside, everyone in my family is college educated. For at
least three generations. Many are highly educated. Some of these said family members
should have stepped in, and taken over. They did help financially when my mother started
drinking so much she couldn't work. She, herself, had an advanced degree in
psychology, and the beast still took her life, at only 56. I think I'm digressing here. I know
the past can't be changed. We've got what we've got, and we've got to work with it.
Back to Bud Bud. He started drinking heavily by his early 20s. He turned 34 last month. By his mid 20s, I think he went to AA for the first time. At this point, I was pushing him to go. I would binge drink, but certainly wasn't a daily drinker, and I was very worried about him. He did go, and has gone on again, off again, through the years. His last attempt, I believe he had 8 months of sobriety. No small feat. He then had something tragic happen to his small son. It was exactly one year ago. He's kind of gone off the rails as far as the drinking goes. He didn't live with his son (the child was conceived during an encounter, most likely a drunken one, since he clearly didn't wear a raincoat). He still lived up to his responsibility, and actually embraced it. He loved that boy madly. He's been grieving and told me he had pretty much given up. He definately lost his faith because what God takes away a child? He told me last night he was drinking so much over the holidays, he thinks he could have drank himself to death. I knew something was up. We always spend holidays together, at my house, and he wouldn't come. He wanted to be alone. He says now a year later, he may actually be getting better.
The drinking, grief, and ADHD aside, he is actually a very hard worker. He owns his own business, and takes it very seriously. He's actually a workaholic too, but I'm thankful for this. It gets him out of bed in the morning, and majorly reduces his drinking time. His hobbies do too. He rebuilds classic cars and races cars (not drunk). Like I said, he's the black sheep of the family. :H. Even with all of this, he's still developing some health problems. He currently has two ulcers. He believes, directly related to booze. So, Bruun, to answer your question, I did have a talk with him about bac. We talked last night. More on that later. We are going out on his boat this afternoon. He has an enormous jet boat, and we are going to surprise the kids, and take them out on the bay.





The

[redhead77]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

One problem with posting via my phone is I can't always scroll down to fix sentences and paragraphs. Bear with it peeps.

[RudyB]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

my god, red. i am truly impressed w your phone typing skills! and so very sorry for your brother. what a tragedy! i've been having morbid thoughts of that nature, about my son getting killed. in response to such an event -which WON"T happen- i think i would have to die too. i might drink myself to death, but it wouldn't be fast enough. your poor brother. i feel for him so much.

i am so glad to hear that you're so close with him. i'm sure it means the world to him, too. and wow, your history is incredible. how old were you when your mom died? what a sad fate is addiction. we are all so lucky, we who are finding ways out. i really want to find a way to spread the word. i guess we are doing something by being here at mwo, but i want to make it more. to save the world, i suppose, from this tragic disease.

[RudyB]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

oh and red, i was channelling you this morning. in case you don't get to my thread, i was feeling like you when i was wrestling with hoses and extention cords and a water pump to fill my trough to water my garden. this is all a reference to your dance with that rototiller. how grows your garden, anyway? your eggplants are of particular interest to me. mine are doing great! i think those marigolds really have helped. the flea beetles lost. the leaves are without new holes, and the plants are promising me many nights or ratatouille! wish you and your karen could come over for a heaping plate. but i'm sure you're just ducky on your boat. zoom zoom.

[bleep]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

I'm impressed that was done on a phone Red!

I'm glad you spoke about baclofen with your brother. It's all to easy, as you know, to keep your shit together and still struggle with booze. Finding a way out that doesn't involve a god or a higher power is troublesome with the current methodologies, meds not included obviously, so he needs to be aware of his choices. And having someone nearby to walk him through it will be invaluable, if it comes to that.

[redhead77]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

Thanks guys. I do have some texting skills, don't I? All the poor people who actually get my phone texts. I tend to write long ones of those too. :H We went out on the boat yesterday, but the water was pretty choppy, due to the weather, so we couldn't stay out for very long. It's been stormy here the last few days.

I told my bro about bac before I even started it. I guess it would have been right after the holidays. We talked about it one time after, when I told him it appeared to be working to curb my cravings. This was before I switched. I haven't brought it up again. In our phone conversations, he sounded skeptical, but also seemed happy I found something that was helping me. I was hopeful the next time I saw him, I wouldn't have to [say anything. It would be evidenced by my drinking behavior, or lack thereof. Last week, Gearhead wasn't the only reason I decided to get serious about my dosing. I have a living family member, who may not be for long, if he doesn't find a way to at least majorly cut back.

I brought it up again the other night. Since I've been at the 160 consistently since last week, my drinking is again under control. I'm not switched, but I didn't drink in the two days before getting here, he wanted to party when I did, and I couldn't even drink one glass of wine, and last night AF again. The night we talked, I did have a couple of glasses of wine. I wanted to. It wasn't much compared to what I would have consumed in the past when we were together. It didn't go unnoticed by him. He was trying to pace himself and using me as a gauge. He was clipping through the cocktails and then his glass sat empty. He was getting antsy...uncomfortable, and I offered to fix him another one (there's no way I'm going to ask him to curb his alcohol intake while with me, on this trip. I don't want him to feel miserable). He said when I go to get myself a new drink he'll have one. I looked at him, and said Bud Bud, this most likely won't happen. I've had
enough. We talked more about bac, my experience with it, and the experiences of others here. He's mulling it over in his head, hasn't decided one way or the other. He isn't a pill taker. He quit his ADHD meds as soon as he was old enough to make the choice. It didn't do him well in college.

Whatever he decides, he needs to decide something...and soon. His body is suffering physical damage from the sauce, and he is quite young to be having health problems from drinking. It's already slowly killing him. I'm hoping we will have some more dialogue in regards to this the next few days.

Today we go up north, to where we grew up. I've only been back once since my mother died. The situation was a little traumatic for both of us. I was 32, Miss Rudy. It happened in 2008. I was 3 months prego with my last child. Even with all that, we are excited. It's very pretty up there, and the kids are going to love it. Onward and upward, in a few ways.

[bleep]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

I was never a "pill-taker" either Red. Other than the fun ones, of course! Before this, I considered a headache tablet to be a sign of weakness, and would scoff at vitamin takers. Now I gladly swallow 30 tablets a day, and am grateful to each one of them.

[RudyB]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

wow, this is all just great, red! i'm so glad that your bud bud has you. perhaps he will consider taking these fine pills. (you know, i love that they don't even taste bad. sometimes i have to search for a glass of water when one is already in my mouth and remember another reason i love bac: it has no taste.)

i wish you a happy trip up north. family time! sad about your mom. but in some way, i think she knows you're doing so well, and that your brother is right behind you.

xo rudy ru

[Murphyx]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

redhead77;1157530 wrote: Murphy, you can't always live vicariously through me. Often, my life is the mundane, sometimes it's disturbing. :H

Pah! Nonsense! Living vicariously through others allows me to not have to bother to get a life of my own. It's much easier that way.

Did you take your sturdy farm girl along or has she been given temporary leave to return home to bale cotton and wrestle steers or whatever Americans do on farms?

Sounds like you're having a great time.

[Bruunhilde]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

Red, sounds like a great week with your Bud Bud. I'm sure you both need it, although being with kids may be difficult for him, it is probably life-affirming too. I had stomach issues starting around his age, from booze. I was pretty angry at God then too. Poor boy, I hope he is able to embrace bac and life and take another chance. Have a lovely time with him and the kids.

[redhead77]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

Wow. My thread is already on page 3! Looks like things are busy around here. Lots of newcomers. Yippee! I've tried to update a few times on my trip, only to lose my post. This damn phone posting thing isn't ideal. My lengthy posts don't help either. :H. The problem is when I try to edit. The screen doesn't scroll all the way down, and I screw things up, or even delete the post.

I'll be home in 2 days, so I can update y'all then.

xxoo

[RudyB]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

lookin' forward to it, red!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

'bout time. sheesh.
missed you.

[redhead77]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

Yes, I'm finally home. I missed you too Ne. I spent some good time with my Bud Bud camping, and then he went home. I then stayed in a rental in my home town. It was the nanny, the kids, Bud Bud, and Dude (my brother's dog). I don't know if you guys can see the humor in it, but saying various things to the dog like, Dude come here, or Dude knock it off, is highly amusing. I gave my nanny an option to go home, Murphy, but she thought she would have more fun with us. And I think our location was far prettier than the farm fields, and she agreed. It also turns out, she can strategically pack a vehicle. I brought all the stuff I needed down in an enormous pile and thought omg, how the heck am I going to fit everything I need? She said, I'm really good at packing, and it turns out she got it all in.

I met with friends from high school. We planned a reunion of sorts and people came from various locations around the US, and some brought hubbies and kids. It was actually a good experience, much better than I thought it would be. One night we all went out on the town and when everything closed, we went to the beach and had a big bonfire (I grew in the northern part of one of the Great Lakes). We then went to the local greasy spoon for breakfast in the wee hours. These are things we did when we were young. I guess we wanted to relive our youth. :H

The next night, I met with that guy who I had talked about on my thread a long time ago. The one with his 4th DUI and who got 3 or 4 felonies the night of his last DUI. One of which was assaulting a healthcare worker. I had to pick him up of course, since he's finally lost his license. We went out for a late night snack. It turns out, he's been sober with AA for the last 4 months. I guess they may drop the felonies if he continues to work the program. He couldn't stop commenting on how good I look (I've recently lost weight, and you can tell I don't drink as much, my eyes glisten). He even commented on my demeanor. He said to me, you seem so happy, so at ease. You just seem...different, in a postive way. I told him it was the drug...the bac. I asked if he read the book I sent him. He looked down and stirred his coke. Admitted no, he hadn't.

The most important thing I did was say goodbye. I spent some time at my mother's grave. My grandparents had this beautiful bench made in my mother's rememberance. I sat on the bench next to her grave and reflected. I should say my grandmother and stepgrandfather. My biological grandfather died due to alcoholic complications. He was very successful at one time. When I was a little girl, he had a yacht, and we would live on his boat for a few weeks during the summers. We would sail up and down the east coast. I remember those times as being magical. When he died, he was divorced, had ruined every personal relationship he had ever had, and lived in a shack in northern FL...alone. He had lost all of his money and a few companies. No one would even go and see him when he was dying. The alcohol destroyed who he was. He became a mean and ugly drunk. I was the only one who flew down to take care of him, and I was young. In college. I digress as usual. I just can't believe how badly this disease has destroyed my family. My grandmother buried both of her kids, and her first husband. She only has 3 grandchildren left. Two of which the beast already has, and my cousin is a bit younger than us, but I have an idea the beast is getting a hold of him too. I'll tell him about bac when I'm sure.

Back to my grieving process with my mom. There are five stages of grief and I believe I've been stuck in the denial and anger stages. Denial at first, or just disbelief, and then MOSTLY anger. Even though, she drank an enormous amount of vodka a day in the end, I guess I just couldn't believe the circumstances of her death. They were horrific, the coroner estimated she had been dead for a month (we had a fight when she was drunk and I stopped talking to her), it was the longest I've ever gone. She had two dogs and I guess they got hungry. I wasn't allowed to see her or say goodbye. He said, I would be forever changed if I saw her body. As it was, the autopsy report read like a horror novel. So, I've been stuck in the anger stage for a while. Angry that some of my childhood was taken away by this disease, angry that it has affected my adulthood, angry that my children will never know the beautiful woman their grandmother was, when she was sober. Angry that this disease continues to take hold of those I love. I think I can finally put it to rest. I have finally reached the last stage of grief...acceptance. It took three years, but I have finally done it. I can forgive her. It is not her fault she had this disease, and as I know, having children doesn't make overcoming it any easier. I know on the other side she is experiencing the peace and joy she couldn't find here. :l

This may seem rather dark, but really it isn't. I think I'm finally healing. I could have gone to far more interesting places, but I went to the place I needed to, in a few ways. I knew I was ready. This is the important thing.