This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

[Ne/Neva Eva]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

Gosh, I'm sorry to digress further, but Tracy's post reminded me of a conversation I had with my husband last night.
It was about how comfortable I feel in my own skin and that I had this profound experience looking at myself... blah, blah, blah.
He said he thought I changed when I got back into AA. That my self-esteem and self-worth plummeted and I forgot who I was!
Completely unsolicited. We weren't even talking about recovery, exactly. Imagine that? Another victim of self-help gone amok. I say this on this thread, because I don't think you'll be offended or appalled, Red. and I haven't used an expletive in at least a couple thousand words.
FUCK THAT! :H I choose bac.
xxxxoooo

[redhead77]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

I too am a child of AA. I mean that literally. I agree it must be hard to change gears, and the thought of popping some pills (okay many pills), to achieve a cure, may seem improbable to many. I have always known deep down that this is a physical disease. I have watched this destroy many of my family members who were kind and smart. I've always been sure it isn't a question of morality or spirituality.

He may have a hard time buying it, but if what he's doing isn't working, then why keep doing it? I believe there's a definition for that-INSANITY.

I will send him the book, return texts, and even talk to him on occasion. I won't however pretend this isn't happening, loan him money when his runs out (which invariably it will), or lead him to believe that we are advancing our relationship. I will do these things until I become too tired of it. In the meantime, I will keep taking the pills and searching for the switch. As has been so eloquently stated here by gratitude, it is best for him to watch me change.

On a lighter note, I was at the grocery store today and noticed that there were a number of attractive men shopping. Who knew hot guys shopped at 9 am? The oxytocin in my brain must be through the roof. I tried not to look too much because I didn't want to deal with the repurcussions of them looking back, and seeing me ogeling them. Of course, they may not have wanted to look back because in my lethargic state (I think lethargy should be the new word for somnolence), I have taken to letting myself go a bit. In the past, a morning would consist of exercise, showering, makeup, hair, and maybe even perfume. Now, no exercise, didn't bother showering, tied my hair up. And forget about makeup. I did however brush the pearlies. I can't stoop THAT low.

I really hope this is a temporary state for me. Someday, I will want to experiment with all the SE's you guys are always talking about (with a partner), and if I continue this road I will forever be a voyeur. My physical attractiveness will go right down the drain. Even EPB won't be interested. Sigh.

On a more serious note, I think I know why so many Americans are fat. Of course our lack of exercise (this wasn't always so for me), contributes, but I think there is more. Oh, and I lied to all of you about not being a conspiracy freak. I've decided everything is a conspiracy. Like for example the fact that our grocery stores sell garbage processed food for cheap, and healthy whole foods for much more. It is hard to expect people to pay soooo much more for healthy food. And organics? What I would usual buy, is so expensive it's crazy. I spent between $60-80 bucks less on groceries this week by not buying organic and free range food. That's sad. I still of course bought plenty of fresh food. I'm not willing to sacrifice everything.

I gotta tell you, I believe this is controlled by pharma too. If Americans get fat and sick, guess how many more meds they have to buy? Sorry, just had to, and if it's annoying or irritating, don't read it. This is my thread!

One last thing (for today anyway). I really am glad to have met all of you. I never in my life have enjoyed a group of people THIS much. It's kind of like I found my way home.

Off to visit the bac'ed out Moms now and then time to get off this forum for a few hours. Geez, you guys are addictive.

Redhead

EDIT: Had to remove the Milf thing. After one of the ladies pm'd me to ask what it meant, I absolutely couldn't write it out. I figure if I can't write it then I shouldn't have the acronymn on my thread.

[Bruunhilde]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

Red, I am a conspiracy theorist too, even as a junior college kiddo I wrote about the Trilateral Commission! I agree Americans are fat due to all the pesticides and hormones in our food, because even when I exercised like a maniac, and ate exactly what the guru of the moment said (Atkins, Zone, Vegetarian, etc), I still had too much weight. And still lost my hair. My hair seems to detach at any excuse, damnit. And since I'm a chick, it's really not chic.

I currently buy all foods wild and at farmers markets, so minimal crap in them, except for the occasional processed asian dumplings or loaf of whole wheat bread. I LOVE POTATOES. I know that's politically incorrect, since starch is evil, but I love potatoes and by potatoes I do NOT mean vodka.

[bleep]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

It is a temporary state red - I almost went metro for the first time in my life, was considering a proper haircut instead of my usual self inflicted battle with the shears, shaved my beard off, was almost preening myself, for god's sake. Glad that worn off, and that I didn't go to a hairdresser! Remember shooting up through that level as fast as I could!

I hope your friend sees the light before it's too late.

I know what you mean about this forum - very glad to have met you too.

EDIT: Conspiracy theories are great fun, and probably right more often than we think.

[redhead77]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

P.S. I was just thinking how my last statement may offend some of the beautiful ladies on the Mom's thread. I didn't mean to be offensive. I think being a MILF is a positive thing, so please no one be offended.

[redhead77]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

I am going to post something here before I run to work. I thought about posting this elsewhere and then decided I didn't want to contribute to a potential thread hijack. Here it is:

I think it is unnecessary to bring up other threads where people may have made uneducated or even in some people's minds stupid comments. The truth is this. Men and women are not the same. Maybe that wasn't the greatest thing to say (when riddled with absolute horrible SE's), it was just something that was said and later amended. Do we have to continue bringing that up? I feel like a complete idiot already for saying anything.

P.S. I may be ultrasensitive about it. If I am, I'm blaming that on the bac too. :new:

Wish me luck at work these last 2 days!

[beatle]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

redhead77;1072973 wrote:
P.S. I may be ultrasensitive about it. If I am, I'm blaming that on the bac too. :new:

Wish me luck at work these last 2 days!

Good luck with your last 2 days and the important part that follows, redhead.

:new: (except for everybody else )

[bleep]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

I won't comment on the other, but I will say that I hope your last couple of days go smoothly. If you do have a chat with people in your office, I hope they are understanding about it.

Good luck red.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

GREAT couple of days to you. I often found that I was spot on, even when I felt as though I was swimming through murk. I hope it's the same for you.

As to the other? I'm out of touch, spending only a scant four or so hours on MWO these days, I can't keep up.
Some stuff should be ignored. Some stuff needs to be addressed. It's up to the individual to decide.
My solution has been to sit with it for a while. Use some of those AA tools (is it bothering me because it's reflecting something I don't like about myself? type-stuff.) and if I can't contain myself I do what you just did. I bring it out in my thread. Unless I just.can't.help.it.
Ya' know? :H
xxoo

[redhead77]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

I don't even know how to express how I feel right now. I finished my two days at work. I suppose I should be saying yay, but instead I'm just numb. I feel like the floodgates are about to burst. I can't believe 10 years in my book of life are over.

I now wonder if I should have gone to work these last two days. Not because I screwed anything up, I didn't, and was bac to funtioning at my best. I went and bought some bronkaid. Bronkaid for me is like I did a few lines, but it's legal. It worked for the short term.

It's because I can't believe how many people told me what a loss it is for me to not work there anymore. I was really good at my job. It is part of what defines me. I can't help wondering if I should have taken a LOA.

I couldn't have a conference with everyone. I told all who I felt needed to hear it, what I've been going through for this past year. I shed a lot of tears. It turns out they did too.

So, it's done. I hope my gut is right and I've made the right choices. I'm very much questioning at the moment.

[bleep]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

Will the job be on offer when you're done with this? Sounds like it will be.

Give them a call once you're done. I know from my experience, even though I am still on a high dose, each and every SE has gone, leaving only the indifference and a clarity of thought. This means you'll come out the other side a better human being than the what goes in this side, and from the sounds of it, they'll snap you back up.

Good luck with your ride red, I sincerely hope it is a pleasant and short one.

[redhead77]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

Maybe Bleep. I'm not sure as of yet if I want to go back. I should probably try a few other venues, and see what's out there. It's nice to know there is somewhere soft to fall if I need it. I'm grateful I was able to do damage control and get a sense of where I stood.

Last night, I took 50 mg in a couple of hours. I had to make up my dose from the day (I was too busy to be popping bac, nor did I want to). Hence my inability to explain my feelings and the numbness. My eyes were actually crossing when I was typing. :H
I didn't want to miss my dose, though. I also didn't want to not post. I felt that I had to reach out. Major life change can be a bitch, even when done for the right reasons.

My eyes are on the goal. I'm not forgetting why I decided to do this and what's important. So, onward and upward. Today, I go up to 90 mg. Then tomorrow, I want to go up to 100 mg to get things even, since I have 20 mg tabs. After that, 20 mg every three days. I bought a big calendar to keep everything straight. I also need to look into buying something to keep me mentally alert on the internet. I have unloaded one job but still have a household to run, and kids to drive around.

Have a beautiful day all!

Redhead

[Ne/Neva Eva]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

redhead77;1074082 wrote: I don't even know how to express how I feel right now. I finished my two days at work. I suppose I should be saying yay, but instead I'm just numb. I feel like the floodgates are about to burst. I can't believe 10 years in my book of life are over. ... It's because I can't believe how many people told me what a loss it is for me to not work there anymore. I was really good at my job. It is part of what defines me. I can't help wondering if I should have taken a LOA.
... I'm very much questioning at the moment.

redhead77;1074440 wrote: ... see what's out there. ... I felt that I had to reach out. Major life change can be a bitch, even when done for the right reasons.

Red, I can relate intimately to what you've written. From the fuzziness and the need to reach out to the uncertainty and certainty. :upset:

And what I return to, time and time again, is this:

redhead77;1074440 wrote: My eyes are on the goal. I'm not forgetting why I decided to do this and what's important.

Thank you my friend.
Ne
PS I'm having that experience of feeling everything very deeply and profoundly. It is so lovely and also heartwrenching. A great place to visit during times like this is the joke forum. Doggygirl posted a 911 call that is so funny my belly literally still hurts from laughing. A friend called shortly after I read it and I couldn't speak I was still wheezing from the laughter. really.

[TracyA]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

Having a solid place in the world and then leaving it is really hard. It's not unlike the grief of losing a person.

Regarding mental alertness, I am going to try modafinil. I'll let you know how it works. A lot of people use piracetam, but with mixed results.

You have a beautiful day too!

[redhead77]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

I had really planned on coming home on Friday night. I had one 30 mg dose of bac to take before bed. Not only did I miss that dose but I also missed a number of other doses I would have taken during the day on Saturday. So, I made up all of it in a span of about 8 hours on Saturday. I even set my alarm to take the last dose in the night. When I woke up I was covered in sweat and so dizzy and disoriented I could hardly figure out where I was.

So, I'm wondering a few things. I know some are considering switching their dosing but I'm not quite ready to do that. I'll let you guys go first and report back. True voyeur style. I was wondering if it's smart to try to make up a ton of doses in a short period of time. I didn't even want to take my first dose this morning because I'm still really dizzy and disoriented. If you don't think you should make up your doses, is it okay to drastically reduce what you take for one day, or could withdrawal occur? Should I try to try to get back on schedule today, even though I'm feeling terrible?