This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

[Bruunhilde]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

Red & Ru, I couldn't be more with you on the life lines we have in our therapy threads. Bantering and sharing is a better way to put it vs "chatty" but I think UK or someone used that word and said they don't like those threads. They'd didn't have a problem with the threads, and neither do you and I, but I think it was just a statement about which threads are more helpful to them, and it wasn't meant to be controversial at all.

And the whole evolution of ourselves, telling our stories, being a support to one another, bonding. These are priceless things. MWO is more and more my home these days. I don't think anyone can say meds is combative or mean here.

And yes, the consolidated baclofen thread is the place to go if you're really needing the facts for that med. I'm sure in AA they share stories, in fact, I think they share stories at each meeting, and people bond over similarities they find in each others stories.

Story threads ROCK!

[RudyB]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

i was gonna say what bruun said and remind about the consolidated bac thread, which i just bumped so newbies can find it easily. (i'm hoping that new friend i made last night might pop in and find that helpful.)

story threads do ROCK!

[redhead77]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

We were driving at night on the expressway. I looked out the window to my right, and saw there was a light coating of snow on the ground. There was snow coming down, but none was sticking to the road. My best gay friend was driving. Then, as I was thinking the road was clear, we hit a snowy patch. All of a sudden, traffic came to a stop, and since my best gay friend always drove like a bat out of hell, he slammed on the brakes.
I knew it was going to happen before it did. I just didn't have the time to get the words out...to tell him to slow down and be careful. The car swerved and went off the road. We were lost in the dark of the night, sliding at what felt like a higher MPH than when we were on the expressway. I knew at any moment we were going to crash. I felt a calm in me. I closed my eyes, didn't need to see what was coming. Said a prayer, please let me into heaven, if this is the way it goes. I felt for my seatbelt. Making sure there wasn't much give for when impact occured. It's true what they say. You don't really feel the impact. I guess the trauma of it all, makes your brain shut down.

The next thing I know, I see bright lights being shined in my eyes. I hear "Redhead, squeeze my hand, wiggle your toes." I feel them pinching me to see if they can illicit a motor response. There was none. I couldn't move. I wanted to scream "Stop, you're hurting me." But I couldn't. I had a breathing tube in. It quickly occurred to me what was happening. I had locked-in syndrome.

Locked-in syndrome is my worst nightmare. It's when a person looks like they're in a vegetative state (sometimes they can communicate with their eyes, but someone has to really be watching for this, and it takes time to notice what they're doing.) But they can feel and hear everything. It's terrible, because it doesn't usually resolve. And unless you have a bright neurologist, who realizes you may have this from the area of the brain that's been damaged, it could be missed. I could have gone on to be trached and PEG'd, and sent to live in a vent farm until I died. I would likely die of a stage 4 pressure ulcer and sepsis. Unless someone was kind enough to pull the plug. In this case, I would want the plug pulled. Death is a much better alternative.

Luckily, I woke up this morning and wasn't in a car accident at all. It was one of the most real dreams (nightmares) I've ever had. Thanks to my friend Ru, I was able to recognize why it happened. I took 40mg of bac, followed by my last dose 50mg, a few short hours later. To top it off, I drank a bottle of wine.

My neighbor texted me last night asking if I wanted to hang out. I didn't really, I had zero desire for a drink. That's what we usually do, drink and smoke. She's not an alcoholic, but she does like to escape her husband and small children, and relax on occasion. I could have told her no. But I've been rather avoidant again. Part of it is working, and the other part is not drinking, and taking HDB. I could have met with her, and said no, I'm not drinking tonight. Then I would have gotten "Did you quit drinking again?" I've tried to quit drinking twice since she's met me. I've hid my drinking problem well, but being that she's my neighbor, and would stop by in the afternoon, you never knew what you'd find. I might be sober, just starting to drink, or half in the bag. I mostly would try to be sober or just starting to drink in the afternoons, when I was off. But willpower didn't always work. When I would go back to drinking after I quit, she would say to me...just try to drink socially. Just try not to overdo it. Maybe now that he's gone, your drinking will improve. I've said before on my thread, I had plenty of get out of jail free cards in relation to my friends and my drinking, just because of my marriage. I think they thought, I would drink too. :H But I didn't tell her no. Instead I planned to have one, but ended up drinking 4 glasses. I don't know how it happened, when I had no desire for a drink in the first place.

I haven't had a desire for a drink in days. Not. One. Drink. It's been 10 days to be exact. Somewhere with the drama going on here, my increase in dose, insomnia, quitting smoking, all of it, I stopped wanting to drink...AT ALL. In these parts, we have a name for that feeling. I'm hesitant to use it after last night, I'm superstitious. At day 5, I was in email contact with Murphy regarding what I reported on my thread. I also have to report some of the rambling emails I had, were in reference to this feeling. I asked him, could it be? Have I finally found what I've been looking for in the last 8 months? When will I know for sure? At day 10? Day 14? I guess we all know, I've been there before, but my SEs were so bad, what's the point of this, if you can't leave the house and function? I was waiting for them to return, for the bottom to drop out. I wasn't only not wanting to drink, I was functioning. Again, could it really be? He said, Redhead, you've done it. Woooohoooo! But now I have to ask myself if I really have. I drank more last night than I have in quite some time (without the feeling).

This morning I had my ultrasound to rule out my potential AAA. I had to be NPO after midnight. I woke up mildly dehydrated this AM, needing some H2O, and I couldn't even drink. I decided some self forgiveness was in order. I went for my ultrasound and then treated myself at a quiet cafe, to a lovely scrambler and some hot hazlenut coffee. And plenty of ice cold H20. I then went and bought myself some pretty things. I deserve it. Whether last night went south or not, I've done some incredible things lately. I've mostly kicked a drinking habit (I'm hoping entirely, and last night was a fluke) I've quit smoking, and I've lost 30lbs. That's not to mention all that's gone on internally. I've gone from self-loathing to learning self-love. I was standing in the dressing room in my undergarments as the lady was trying to find sizes for me. She asked to come in, and see how something fit. I wasn't even embarrassed of my body. I thought, I've had 3 kids, and while I'm not perfect, I'm pretty damn fine. Bangin really. How lucky am I?

So, I will take a few more days and see what they bring. I will assess if this is really it, or if I need to go up in my dose. If I do, I won't cry. I'll take the next increase in stride.

Forever my own (now ),

Redhead

PS. For anyone who can't take me seriously with my latest avi, thank Murphy. I told him I didn't want to be the frog anymore. He sent me some avi's to choose from. I really thought this one was fun.

EDIT: And I do think story threads ROCK!

[bleep]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

I was just thinking what a cool avatar it was as well!

I'm glad it was just a dream. You had me going for a bit there. Congratulations on getting to where you are Red, it's a mean feat!

I wouldn't panic about a session, and start altering your dose. If you feel comfortable where you are, and it's working, then it seems to me you have what you wanted. I also find it very easy to take or leave a drink at the right level. At the same time, I also find it very easy to have several drinks if I have one, but I'm not sure whether that's from habit or from desire anymore.

And as you say, if it turns out to be too low, the solution is right there.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

What bleep said!

[Georgie]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

Hi red head,

No B/S, google hair color ( red) and the effects of anesthetics( if you are a true red head that is). We have a patient who had trouble with lidocaine and getting numb, and it turns out that true reds can and do require more anesthetic for reasons not exactly known. We have the article taped to her chart.....G

[Bruunhilde]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

True reds are more sensitive. Even us strawberry blondes.

Congrats Red, sounds like you're about there. Keep up the stories! I'm SO glad that was a dream....

[SlipperyPete]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

Congrats, Red, on the possible...nope, not gonna jinx it for you! At the very least, your attitude is a 10.

I'm very interested in the dream part, as I actually had some for the first time in months last night. My last dose was about 6 hours before I went to sleep, and I've been AF for about a week, so I'm not sure what it can be contributed to. What I find odd is that I've seen "violent dreams" listed as an SE of bac, which is weird, because you'd think GABA, which relaxes us, would have us dreaming about butterflies and rainbows, which is what I normally think about when I'm relaxed.

The first dream wasn't a nightmare per se, but it was very unpleasant. I was basically in a goth camp, as we were all dressed in black, had black makeup, and I had several large piercings in my face. Since I have no idea how to be a goth, I was very unpopular, and was stuck doing much of the grunt work. By the end I had morphed into some sort of gorilla, and spent what felt like 10 minutes just running around at high speed on all fours. I woke up with a bad feeling, thinking "WTF was the point of that?" I almost wanted to make a thread about dreams and get all Freud on it, but the sun had only been up for a couple hours, so I had to get back to sleep.

My second dream I don't remember quite so well, but other people were drinking, and I wasn't, and I wasn't too happy about it.

My third dream I got buzzed with some friends, and it was very enjoyable. I woke up and pieced it all together, and could only attribute it to "The Beast Within" craving for alcohol. That's weird because like you, I haven't craved for a long time, and I don't even really think there even IS a Beast inside of us, just some messed up neurons. It's gotten me all confused. But maybe they're just dreams, and they don't matter, but it sucks having dreams so real where you feel like you're dying!

[GingerDust]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

Wow. You folks have some colorful dreams. I am glad that all of them were dreams.

I like the avatar too. I think her name was Jessica from an animated movie some years ago.

Congratulations, Red. I think you've made a breakthrough.

[RudyB]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

red, it sounds good to me: your attitude, your take-it-or-leave-it about alcohol; the fact that that was just a dream!

i am not a bit surprised to learn that your new avi came from murph. of course it did!

[Isolde]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

Redhead, I LOVE your new avatar! You definitely should have something prettier than a frog representing you! :l

That dream sounds scary beyond measure. I'm so glad you were able to realize it and wake up and not freak out from it.

As for the bottle of wine, it doesn't mean you haven't gotten there. I went out for happy hour on Friday night with my soon to be sister-in-law and a friend of hers, mostly because I wanted to get some bonding time in. I'd gone up to 200mgs, the highest yet for me, the day before. I really had no desire to drink, but we were meeting up for happy hour at a martini bar, so I went ahead and ordered a drink. The first one was actually kinda hard to get down, but I managed, and the next one went down a little easier. Finished up the evening with a fantastic beer over dinner, and I realized that I was rather drunk!
I haven't had a drink (or the desire for one) since. And I really didn't even enjoy the martinis, though I'll admit the beer was rather nice. Though beer (and alcohol of any kind) has sounded rather disgusting to me ever since.

I agree with everyone else - your attitude is definitely in the right place! It's fantastic and refreshing and inspiring!

Congrats on all you've accomplished! Quitting smoking and losing 30 lbs - that's amazing!! :goodjob:

[GingerDust]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

I had to look it up, but it's from the movie Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Here is Jessica's famous line:

Jessica Rabbit: You don't know how hard it is being a woman looking the way I do.
Eddie Valiant: You don't know how hard it is being a man looking at a woman looking the way you do.
Jessica Rabbit: I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way. :H

[RudyB]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

is, i loved reading your experience at the martini bar. i was really troubled by my ale consumption lately, but once i got my dosing schedule straightened out, i have found the cravings gone. what a relief! ...a relief to know that those ales weren't my doom, or a signal of a need to go up. indifference is a multi-faceted friend, is it not?

red, how the hell did you quit smoking? i'd like some tips to use after i once again revisit the hypnotist...

as for my dreams, well, they seem to be sleeping these days, alas. (i never had very scary ones like yours. well, not usually.)

[redhead77]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

Hello my friends!

Jessica Rabbit is the da bomb, isn't she? Ginger, if you could hear her saying her words you would laugh too. They made her voice exaggerated with sexiness, along with her figure. Even her last name...:H

Bleep, mean feat couldn't even begin to describe it. Close maybe. Another night with zero craving. I'll be ready to label this sweet place with the name we know it as very soon.

Georgie, yes. Redheads could need up to 20% more anesthesia. More pain meds after surg too. I have always needed a tremendous amount of novocaine for dental work. Even before I ever had a drinking problem. The dentist would say, this just can't be so...

Is, you attitude is inspiring. Thanks for sharing your boozing story and everything else of late. It is really wonderful to have you bac here and contributing all your fun stories.

Bruun, I'm very strawberry too. Strawberry in the summer, darker in the winter. Strawberry is still a shade of red.

Rudy, I wrote up your quitting smoking question, and then deleted it later. To answer your question, I quit cold turkey. I was wheezing so terribly and couldn't breath. I couldn't inhale cig smoke, when I couldn't inhale air. It had to be done, and it probably made it easier (in some respects, I still suffered all sorts of withdrawal symptoms). I have to tell you, I had a number of cigs with the neighbor the other night.

SP, I'm not sure if we should analyze the gorilla/goth dream. I have some theories. Maybe I ought to PM them to you. :H I know in early sobriety it's normal to have vivid dreams, and bac, and everything else we go through. I haven't had a vivid dream like that in a long time...the detail. Yes, it is horrible to have dreams of dying or being locked-in (which is worse). I'll have to remember not to take 90mg of bac in 2 hours followed by a bottle of wine, again.

Ne, thanks for visiting!

Off to work peeps. xxoo :l

[GingerDust]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

Congrats on quitting cold turkey. I've read that in the end it's the most successful method. Just the thought terrifies me.

Hope you have a good day at work.