This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

[Corleone25]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

"Tomorrow, I'm going to explain to intake counselor how devastated I am and how much I need some help right now. I am actually more concerned about me immediately than my daughter. I am concerned about her for the future, but she will be well taken care of by the professionals. I need the help, and as much as they can offer, NOW."

This forum seems to me like a good place for support and advice regarding our addictions and how baclofen has helped many in their recovery. But after reading this post I couldn't keep my mouth shut.

You may be struggling with your alcoholism, but are you seriously more worried about YOURSELF than YOUR CHILD at this point? She'll be "taken care of by the professionals" and YOU'RE the one who needs help immediately? This is the most selfish thing I've heard in a long time. I know someone here will probably come to your defense by saying that "you won't be able to truly take care of your child if you're not in control of your own addiction," or something along those lines. Bullshit.

Your daughter has just experienced something so traumatic that it could very well scar her for the rest of her life, and instead of putting her first, you're leaving it to "the professionals" to sort her out? Meanwhile you cry out for attention in this forum, putting yourself first and claiming that YOU need more help than your daughter does right now?

I've heard from some good people in this forum, and I'm not directing my anger at anyone else in MWO. I've read a lot here recently that is helping me to decide whether or not I'll start taking baclofen again. But if high doses of baclofen are gonna make me as selfish and self deluded as redhead here, than I'll continue being sober without it.

Redhead, there's no doubt in anyone's mind that your entire family is in an unbelievable amount of pain. It's a terrible, tragic event that has you broken into pieces. But the bottom line is: YOUR DAUGHTER has just been violated, so pick your ass up, worry about HER for awhile, and try to keep yourself together in her time of need. That's what we do as parents. She needs her mom, so stop acting so goddamn selfish.

I'm sorry for being so damn angry right now, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut over it. She needs to put her daughter's pain before her own right now. Reply however you want to this. I don't really care. I only care that some poor little girl needs her mom more than a group of psychiatrists and social workers right now. Get the help you need for your family, but don't forget who the real victim is here. I've said my peace.

[redhead77]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

How dare you judge me! You don't know how I mother my children! She and I will go together and they'll tell me what she needs, and I will comply. As of now, I'm doing what I can, outside of drinking too much for a couple of evenings. I'm still cooking my children homemade meals every night. I get up and get them ready for school, as well as my precious daughter to preschool. I hold her when she wants to be held. I've talked to them when they need to. I am not supposed to bring it up to my daughter unless she wants to talk to me about it. It can change her memory (and this is a criminal case) and cause more trauma. If she brings it up to me, I will discuss it with her. Just as I have been instructed to. But the bottom line, is I need some help. I will also discuss this with the counselor. I can bet that this isn't unusual. Unless you have any experience in dealing with victims of these kinds of things, then you should keep your mouth shut and not judge! I also know that the way they will approach this is to probably deal with her slowly...over a period of time. It's traumatic to push things like this with small children. So, again, unless your educated on things like this ( or even had something like this happen to you or one of your children), don't attack or judge.

[Corleone25]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

I'm gonna keep my own experience in these matters to myself.

I never said you didn't need help. If you re-read my post you'll see that. But when you suggested that you were more concerned with yourself and you'd let the therapists take care of your daughter, it pissed me off. Get all the help you can for this. Just don't forget you're not the real victim here. Your 4 year old little girl is.

[redhead77]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

Thank you, there's no way I could ever forget that. I will do everything I can to take care of the damage that's occurred to her. I can only hope that it will be enough in the long run. That this is somewhat fixable.

In the meantime, I'm done discussing anything on MWO. I think it was important for people to know that there was a predator here. Some of you knew him, and from everything that's been posted, you know exactly who he is. He is very smart and manipulative, and I'm not the only woman whose life he has gotten in.

Don't let him prey on you, if he comes back.

[Corleone25]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

I realize that you're having a ridiculously hard time right now, so I deleted my insensitive posts. I had a point I wanted to make and I went far overboard with it. Best of luck to you and your family. This entire subject is obviously touchy for me, and I drove my point home a bit harshly. I'm sorry for that.

[skullbabyland]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

Hi Red- it seems that lately, some of the MWO regulars/old-timers have left the community, partly I suspect due to outright troll harassment, or maybe also from insensitive or harsh posts from well-meaning members. If that is the case for you, I hope that your perception of MWO is not soured permanently and that you continue to post, in hopes that the community can be a source of encouragement or comfort for you. Many of us wish you nothing but strength and sobriety and happiness and will listen and support you.

[redhead77]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

I just wanted to let everyone know I've deleted the last couple of days of what I've written. I've been advised that's what might be best considering what I'm dealing with. I do believe my message, especially the last post, is an important one. I will report back and let you know what the outcome of the situation ends up being when it's over. And I will repost that message once again. I want the members on this forum to be safe from predators. Thanks again for all who have supported me in this troubled time.

xoxo
Redhead

[spacebebe01]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you, pm me if you ever want to talk and I will send you my email.

with much love

space xoxo

[redhead77]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

Skullbaby, senior people have left MWO for many reasons. It's partly due to trolls, partly due to moving on in some cases, and partly due to just not being able to deal with it here. I think relationships develop off the threads. There have been a few romantic ones that I know of. There are other relationships too, and sometimes people don't show who they are when they can hide behind a screen.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Is anyone familiar with this? It's the Serenity Prayer. It's one thing that I've taken from AA that has always been with me. My mother used to have a copy of it on the dash of her car. It was sparkly and beautiful, and I would look at it just because. When I grew older (the Serenity Prayer actually moved to at least one different vehicle), and I learned to read, I would think about it and what it meant. I never thought about it in addiction terms. It was just something that was there, and something I'd reflect on. To me, it's very true and relevant. I sometimes have to remind myself and say it in my mind. It provides almost instant calm when I think like that.

Things have been very difficult here, as some of you know. I have my hands full. We've finally started counseling. It started with me in the intake process. Our counselor is wonderful. I have a strong intuition. It's so strong that I should never end up in the situations I do, but more of that another day. I knew immediately that she was safe and somebody I could talk honestly to. That she had a gentle, kind, and wonderful spirit. My daughter will be talking to her next week alone. I'm hoping that goes okay, she seemed shy and uncomfortable when she met her at the end of our session. Somehow I think it was enough that she'll be okay next week.

It's really stressful to be in the system. A system that doesn't understand HDB, or anything else for treatment of alcoholism (except the traditional treatment. Treatment that has what kind of success rate?). I had a DCFS lady, who actually said to me (and it wasn't gently). Did I ever try traditional treatment?? I'm under DCFS investigation now. That always happens when any kind of abuse occurs in the home. I understand why. I don't understand the criticism I felt. It was obvious that taking medication for alcohol dependence was somewhat foreign.

We need to go to AA and pray away our medical problems, folks. In the 'system' that might be what would be expected. Whether it works or not.

Other than all these things, life goes on here. I have a new nanny who will be starting at the end of the month. I can't tell you how much we need her. It should work out just fine. I went home for my 20 year high school reunion, and she's the daughter of a women I grew up with.

Playland, I'm not sure if you read my thread. If you don't, I'll come on to yours to thank you. I read your post on the Topa thread the other day, and I could literally feel the freeing of your spirit from that book. I ordered it and it arrived today. I can't wait to read it and I'll let you know. I'm quite sure it will be very helpful to me right now. How could it not with the title, or more importantly, your response to it?

Talk more with everyone later. Right now, I'm trying to put one foot in front of the other. I've been successful doing that. I think counseling is going to be the next thing to get us right. I've suffered more trauma in my life than can be measured. I think I might finally get help for things I haven't been able to deal with. It will help both of us in the long run.

I just wanted to touch base with you all. We're surviving and figuring it out. We're going to be okay...of this I'm almost sure.

Night,

Redhead

[spacebebe01]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

I too am sure that you will be okay, as Ive said before you have the love and strength that is needed to do this for yourself and daughter.

Unfortuantely you will just have to go with the system and their attitudes on recovery and what you should be doing but don't let it get you down. The new counsellor sounds good and I hope your daughter can get over her shyness, Im sure she will after she is shown kindness by her. She is at an age where she can easily take to another person.

Skullbabyland yes I lot of people do leave for a lot of different reasons, I would have though trolls would be the least of them though as they can just be ignored but people just move on in their lives and don't need this as much, it either works so they leave because they are now too busy, or it doesn't work so they don't come because they are drunk, plus there is a lot of stuff that goes on in pm's and behind the threads, relationships are formed and then broken, I miss many of the friends I made when I first came along, Bruun, LL, Ne and others, and then new people come along and it all goes on.

love space x

[RudyB]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

Red, your words are beautifully honest. Thank you for those. Please share the name of the book you mention. i'm sending you tons of love, sister in being a strong solitary mom. xooxoxxoxo love love love.

[redhead77]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

Hi Ru!!

Thanks for pulling this thread up. I love hearing from you! And I know it's time for an update. I just can't update tonight. I'm so f*ckng exhausted. I won't exhaust you with details. You know I'm a single mom, and I pulled off Christmas-somehow. I have gotten litte sleep.

I love you, Rudy. Be back soon to talk more!

[redhead77]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

Hi!

I'm back! Oh, happy holidays. Christmas was really rough this year. It's always a challenge to pull Christmas together financially and otherwise as a single mom, but the news of Evan made it much harder. I lost a number of days to grief. The night I heard, and then I had to work two 12 hour shifts the days after, I had plans of even though I was working long shifts to do things when I got home. Anything counts where time is concerned with these things. I could have hit a few stores after work. I could have done some wrapping. These days were completely lost. I worked somehow these shifts. On the first day, I looked so bad (and was told so), I shouldn't have gone in. Tried to bottle it up, but lost it at work crying several times. My co-workers obviously had questions about who had died that affected me so much. Trying to explain that, and telling lies isn't really my style, and that was hard too.

It all was hard. And last night, after the stress of Christmas was over, I kind of lost it again. I just had to sob. A little decompression. Wasn't sure how I'd accomplished it all, and wondered how I would continue to accomplish things like this. Just realized how hard it was; how scary it all is. Meanwhile, trying to hide it from my kids. They get scared when they see mommy crying. I've been doing a lot of it the last several days. More than they're used to seeing. No matter where I am, sometimes it feels like I can't let go. I always have to maintain composure. And sometimes, I absolutely need to be able to let go. I was able to let everything I felt go, after my good cry. I have always done it, and I will continue to do so.

Which brings me to the title of the book I read, and which I've started reading a second time. This book is changing my life. The changes are subtle so far, but I can feel it and see it happening. The title is Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender. It's hard to explain this book without reading it. To sum it up, it teaches you that every thought that occurs in your head is based on a feeling. When you start to recognize those feelings, and the lowest ones that occur: shame, guilt, apathy, fear, anger, sometimes we can get lost in grief. We open ourselves up to high energies, which would include willingness, acceptance, love, and peace. There are middle energies too. He gives an effective tool to do this. One of the main things in this book is that it is the human experience to try to escape pain. Instead of trying to escape and not understand why, you can teach yourself to recognize the feeling and then "let it go". I doubt I'm doing this book the justice as it deserves. It's more than I can explain. It's a must read. I sent it to my grandmother for her birthday. She's buried both of her children (both abused alcohol), and she is lost in grief. I hope she reads it. I know it will help her.

I say that it's subtly changed my life, but I did use it recently for a situation. I used it to let go of all the stuff that's wrapped around the legal case I'm involved in. I can't go into details about the case. This place isn't anonymous for me anymore but particularly this thread. The man involved in the case definitely subscribed to it. It will go into his email. I will presume that all email has been evidence at this point. I will tell you that the case is not going to be over any time soon. They inform me that the average amount of time for these cases is 12-36 months. When I found this book, I found it from Playland discussing it on the Topa thread. I was in a bad state regarding all of this. I had such severe anxiety, shame, guilt, and fear. I honestly thought my body might give out from the stress, unless I found a healthy way to cope. I've used the book and it's all gone. I no longer worry what the outcome will be. If it goes to trial, then that's what will happen. I don't worry about talking about HDB publicly, or the stress it could put on my daughter to have to testify. I know that it will work out-if it even has to happen. Maybe that won't be the case at all.

Speaking of which, everything has been working out. I know the last I'd written I felt judged, and worried about being in the system. I no longer feel this way. I've only been treated with respect by everyone I've worked with or met. I think it's obvious when meeting me that whatever I'm doing *is* working. You would never look at me, and think this is a hopeless alcoholic. What's really evident is how well adjusted my children are. It's evident I put a ton of time and energy into raising them. With that, the DCFS investigation is closed. My children still sleep under this roof. So as far as the future goes with this...what will be will be. I will accept it. I've almost come to the point of forgiveness for this man. He will need to face the law and suffer the consequences of his actions (whatever those consequences end up being), but how deeply disturbed he is. It does make me feel some empathy. He lives a dark, despairing life. I hope he learns something from all of this. I hope somehow it helps him out of the darkness. I know he'll never be able to touch us again, but my greatest hope is that others will be safe.

This brings me back to Evan. Evan had a big role in how this unfolded. I called him the night I found out. It was pretty late. I very confused about everything that I'd found out. I guess I needed to bounce off another what I needed to do. I felt that the right thing was to call the police. I then kept talking myself out of it. For all the reasons you can imagine, and all the reasons I was later worried about. I would say that I should do it, and then tell him maybe I shouldn't. He listened enough, and realized that really I wanted/needed to do the right thing. It was just fear. He told me to hang up the phone and call the police. I again had hesitations. He said it firmly-Redhead, hang up and call the police now! And that's what I did. They sent an officer immediately. He was always there to talk about these things after. Sometimes I didn't want to talk and sometimes I did. But he was always there. Evan had such a beautiful spirit and a great mind, as we all know. He did suffer physically, even after beating alcoholism. He suffered so much from anxiety and some other things. I wish I had shared my book with him. There's one thing I can tell you: his short presence on this earth was not in vain. All the lives he touched, his generosity, his great contributions to us in many ways. None of this was in vain. I believe that doors will open after this. I can't say what they will be, but doors will open and things will only get better. That's how greatness works; even when it seems like it's taken away too soon.

Blessings my friends. I miss seeing so many of you. It's unfortunate it takes tragedy to bring so many of us out again. I am grateful when I see you all. I'm grateful for every time I know that many of you are still alive. It seems that life can be short for us.

:h:h

Redhead

[Samandkatharine]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

Wow.. He touched so many.

:h:h:l:l

Sam

[spacebebe01]

This Redhead's Baclofen Thread

Hi Red, I am glad you managed Christmas with your children, it is such a special time for them as single mums we do need to put ourselves last to deal with the bussyness and time it takes. Now its over tho you can look after yourself a bit more again, I was not close to Loop but am shocked at the news, I am sorry you have lost a dear friend.

I havent been on here for a while so haven't been keeping in touch with anyone including you, I would like to keep in touch.

space x