Daily dosing record - beatle

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Daily dosing record - beatle

beatle;1138192 wrote:
And btw, just for the record, before and since that episode when I od’ed by 75 mg, I have religiously kept to my scheduled doses. I HAVE been consistent. My decision to make a fast titration down was not a random decision. I discussed w/husband and we agreed on a completely but consistent dose of 50mg/4 hours, and stuck to it. We thought it our well. The consistency never stopped except for that one night when I od’ed while he was away. And the result of the titration down was amazing. And worth it … until the panic attack.

Hmmmm.
Obviously we cross posted and I'll take the rest off line, except to say this: The dose, the actual amount, was consistent only in it's inconsistency.
The panic attacks have been every night since the overdose. I have spoken with beatle during these times.
We also talked about going down in depth, and I supported the idea, of going to 350mg, perhaps, but maintaining consistency.
I'm glad the day started out well, beatle. Tomorrow will be even better.

[RudyB]

Daily dosing record - beatle

beat, i cannot wait to respond w thought. on itoch so will wait.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Daily dosing record - beatle

I apologize, publicly, for using your name. It was an error.

The rest? I stand by simply because it's the truth, from my perspective, and I worry VERY MUCH about the advice you get and what you will adhere to. Everyone is understandably concerned. Everyone is going to want to help. In order to do that, they should have the full picture. Which means, to me, another perspective.

My point, now and throughout this process, is consistency.

My motivation, now and throughout this process, is friendship.

Yes, it should have been completely off the boards. But it wasn't.

beatle;1138017 wrote: I've been working closely with Ne and it was taking all my energy. Literally. And I could not focus on anything else. In fact, I couldn't focus enough to read and respond to posts for a couple days.

In retrospect, this was the wrong time to do something so drastic. And I am messing up my family and other families' holiday. I never would have undertaken such HDB if I knew it would take this long... I cannot and will not let this ruin other people's holidays.

...

I had a wonderful day yesterday. After being completely disconnected with world, unable to function AT ALL because of the high dose, in dire distress because of it, I went from 62.5 per dose 4 hours apart to 50mg 4 hours apart. I was profoundly grateful. And thought this was the right thing to do. I was functioning great, and
What a high functioning day! And what fun!

...

I did, however, feel the real need for alcohol creeping in. This is what scares me.

I woke just now with a profound panic attack, the likes of which had become a thing of the past.

I realize I never managed to send this post, due to internet problems.

PLEASE respond ASAP to this post. I need to know about who, if any, have experienced this. And what the ramifications were.

I will respond to the rest off of the boards, because I think it's relevant to the discussion we are about to have. With the exception of the last line.
You have experienced this exact thing every night since Thursday. The ramifications are that after the bac settles into your system and you have 24 hours of consistent dosing, you feel good and have a good day. Or am I misinterpreting this?

[beatle]

Daily dosing record - beatle

ftr, I was NOT inconsistent but once. since I left Ne's. I took a 1/2 xanax off the morning dose. That's all. I ran it by her when I was feeling so bad, she sent a revised schedule, Otherwise I followed the schedule consistently, give or take 15 minutes to 1/2 hour a couple of times. NOT consistently. Not changing doses. Until consulting with Ne, who sent us a new schedule that we also followed to a T. My husband, who apportioned the pills and made sure I took them on time, can attest to this. consulting with Ne, and then following the exact new dose sent to me by Ne. he even printed it out and cut up pills to make sure we did it right.

This is just ftr, although I feel it is too personal to share, and am appalled that this should come out here.

All I did was ask for advice about a real panic attack that was happening there and then. i do believe i texted and/or emailed Ne at that point, but that may well be a false memory. In any case, it would be midnite for her, and I wanted advice then and there. I was in the middle of a panic attack, after all. Maybe I just reached out to all of MWO in my distress. Who knows, who cares? A big picture based on personal experiences was not needed nor relevant at that point. I got exactly what I needed. I went back to bed, got my husband's advice in the morning, came onto the boards and heard a resounding approval...

No big picture was needed. Problem addressed.

ANd I made it clear I didn't want any advice except that which I was seeking. And it is that I received.

[tiptronic_ct]

Daily dosing record - beatle

Keep your eye on the goal. The rest is only noise.

[beatle]

Daily dosing record - beatle

Ne/Neva Eva;1138236 wrote: I apologize, publicly, for using your name. It was an error.

You know what? Ne using my real name really ticked me off, and it colored every thing I read by Ne on my thread after.

And you know what? It was just a mistake. She made a mistake. So what? Why did it tick me off so much? No idea. Ne has been the most consistent supporter personally of me, and she has changed my life profoundly.

I'm done with that name thing.

I'm just preparing for the day when Ne gets me to the other side. ok?

And she will. Oh yes, she will. :h

[Murphyx]

Daily dosing record - beatle

Are you two friends again now? Cool. I think you should seal the make-up with a kiss, just on the cheek not passionately...unless you feel like it. I'm not judging here OK?

Carry on.

[bleep]

Daily dosing record - beatle

It's good to see order prevail!

Beatle, what dose are you on, and how are you finding it? What are your plans? Questions, questions, questions!

[beatle]

Daily dosing record - beatle

300mg/day, at 50mg every 4 hours.
I went from 375 mg/day in more or less even doses from Friday until Monday, when I went down to 300mg.

Only 2nd day, now, and wondering if I went down too fast.

The main reason I wrote that post was that I wanted to know if others had experienced similar reactions from going down so fast, and if it was rash to do so. And what I could expect. A backlash? More panic attacks? A quick rebound?

I was especially happy because my clarity returned. Or I should say my ability to function returned. Not much clarity, actually.

I wanted to be that way for my next family visit. And I saw that for at least one day, it had been possible. I thought that I was willing to go back to sneak drinking, if it came to that, to be able to function.

But would there be a backlash? I wanted to be warned. Was it dangerous? Would I continue to be able to function? Had anyone ever done it and what kinds of experiences did they have?

Now I am wondering if I went down to fast. Have had a lot to drink and having inablity to express myself.

Now what to do?

That's the kind of thing I was after... what to expect. How to plan.

[beatle]

Daily dosing record - beatle

also ftr, I never responded to Ne's post about there never being an executive committee. When I said that, it was an inside joke. (And I hate those.) Of course nobody decided any action for me; I was equally enthusiastic about going up, and what a great chance it was. And I will never ever regret it. It was a life-changing experience. Nobody here would ever decide my own choice of action. That reference was flippant and unfair. I owe these people my life, and it is nothing to be flippant about. Two people on these threads, well, mostly one, Ne, gave me a gift more precious than anything I've ever been given. Ever.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Daily dosing record - beatle

Still tryin' Zen, if it's me to whom you're referring.

long distance kisses and wasn't much to make up.

also trying to stay cool.

[bleep]

Daily dosing record - beatle

I don't think you can expect any bad reaction to dropping your dose. It never happened to me, but more importantly, I've recommended it to several people who needed to drop, and they never reported a bad reaction to it either. The only thing you should notice is that 300 is now much easier to handle than it was when you went up to it. For some reason, it is much easier to drop to a dose than climb to it. Well, I say "for some reason" when it's obvious really. Your cravings should be the same as they were when last you were at 300, that doesn't seem to change.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Daily dosing record - beatle

Morning, for me, beatle. You up? :H

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Daily dosing record - beatle

Meaning, of course, that it's 5am for me, which makes it late morning for you, and I know you are up.

:H again.

bac to bed. I didn't guard my sleep and it's time for some more z's
xo

[beatle]

Daily dosing record - beatle

haven't had time to take a listen yet, Reg, but am looking forward to it.

Thank you all for asking. I had a fraughtful night filled with consternation and unidentifiable anxiety.

But after talking to Ne, I calmed down a bit, but I realized how horribly I had misconstrued her posts.

Perhaps the way she worded them seemed uncaring and pedantic. I don't know quite why I felt she had sort of turned on me in her frustration.

Here's what I should have remembered, and always must remember, about Ne:

She is almost always right, and she is ALWAYS kind.

Whatever she wrote, however she wrote it, I jumped to the wrong conclusion. I interpreted her concern as frustration. And as lashing out at me because I hadn't followed her advice. It wasn't that... it was simply concern.

She did not in any way betray my confidence. She truly wanted to set things in perspective. And for a reason... which I didn't get, nor did most others here.

I know we made up and all is "well with us now", but I wanted to set it straight, ftr.