Now that you're sober, do you APOLOGIZE?

[ThirdMan]

Hey guys! I guess I could have posted this in another forum, but I'm more familiar with the personalities here from lurking. I was wondering if you guys wanted to weigh in on this one.

Thanks to Bac I have been largely sober for over a year now. I guess it has been sometimes moderating, with a gradual slope towards complete sobriety. Several blocks of four months at a time of sobriety, peppered with a few "weekends only" here and there. And no more drinking-related problems, happy to report.

But what bugs me now is the nagging memories of people that I either embarrassed myself in front of, or was just a plain full-on weird jerk to. Mostly this happened in friendly-professional settings. A couple times to people who were trying to do the right thing and help me out. I'm gay and strangely these were almost exclusively with older gay men, never sexually related, but I feel like I felt comfortable enough around them to disappoint them, if that makes sense.

Anyway, because it was narrowly more professional and they haven't seemed to try to contact me should I just move on with my life and call it a loss? I feel like explaining myself could largely be received as a selfish move (relieving myself of guilt), and one awkwardly out-of-the-blue. Honestly, I would have to track them down to explain myself in the first place. Which alone makes me think I should just move on.

I also feel like it was something I didn't mean to do. It was something out of my control, I was "going through some shit," and I mean even beyond the drinking. Strangely I feel like if they cared so much they could have tried harder to reach out to me, too. I didn't, after all, do anything TO them, other than alienate them. I didn't steal, hit, manipulate, etc. for the record. Just disappointed. Nevertheless, the memories still haunt me. And so does the thought of opening all that up again.

I probably wont ever contact them, but I was just wondering what other people in similar situations may have done, or what they think they might do. I know AA is all about contacting people and apologizing. But I also know how most of us feel about AA, and its guilt-based approach.

Thanks!

[Guest]

Now that you're sober, do you APOLOGIZE?

I don't look upon the 12 step 'apologising' bit as guilt based at all - but I can see a lot of people do. When I got sober for a good period last year I found there wasn't any need to apologise, family and friends just got used to me being sober, and the trust came back over a relatively short period of time. I did however say sorry to one or two family members, not out of guilt but because I thought they deserved it. They didn't chastise, just told me how much they loved me. There had been some situations were I had been pretty terrible to a close friend in drink, we had a chat about it and he said he had pushed me away out of frustration. He could see me destroying myself and felt helpless. That cleared an awful lot of air and improved how we felt about each other. There are people however it wouldn't be appropriate to go running to since they've gotten on with their lives, and it would just rake up unnecessary stuff. That's the bit that AA mean when they say "where it would cause no harm" or words to that affect.

I hadn't necessarily hurt or harmed my family physically, the same with friends but they found me difficult or needy when I was drinking and that's what made me avoid them. You don't have to assault, or steal or do anything material to hurt someone, or turn them off you. Words or attitudes can be just as bad.

All I believe is let time pass by, things work themselves out and a few words(like with my friend) sometimes can be a relief.

[ignominious]

Now that you're sober, do you APOLOGIZE?

Its a good point you make.

As an old timer of 3 months sobriety I'm leaning towards moving on and letting sleeping dogs lie.

I have recently met 1 or 2 characters who have been recipients of the drunken Ig inappropriate behavior. They are still idiots but I no longer feel I have the responsibility to enlighten them!

I shall no doubt run into people that have been unjustly treated by me and I hope I shall be able to face them and my shame and try to make amends. I think it must be on a case by case basis, always taking into account any extra grief you might be generating by reopening the wound.

The road map forward is not so detailed and I think you've posted in the right forum. Its not AA, that's for sure.

[JohnR]

Now that you're sober, do you APOLOGIZE?

My opinion: I am not where you are so maybe one day I will fell differently but I say look forward and not back. If you have an overwhelming guilt to apologize to someone in particular then by all means do it but if not, your focus should be all about moving on.

[Murphyx]

Now that you're sober, do you APOLOGIZE?

Move on. If you're not likely to bump in to those people again any time soon then don't sweat it. We've all done stupid/embarrassing/annoying/offensive/disgusting things in the past (I'm sober but I still do most of those things in an average day) and we've all had them done to us. But the odd thing is we tend to remember and dwell on the things we did to others rather than the things that were done to us.

They probably don't even remember what happened and if they do I doubt they cry themselves to sleep at night over them. They've moved on and so should you, IMHO.

But I also know how most of us feel about AA, and its guilt-based approach.

Damn right, it's a load of old cobblers.

[bleep]

Now that you're sober, do you APOLOGIZE?

When I first read your thread my initial thought was this:

If it's still bothering you after all this time, then call and apologise.

Everyone's response has been the opposite though, so now I'm not so sure. I do think that having been sober for a year you have a genuine grounding from which to make the call. Either way you make it, I wouldn't let it consume too much of your day.

[PbarE]

Now that you're sober, do you APOLOGIZE?

bleep;1064380 wrote: When I first read your thread my initial thought was this:

If it's still bothering you after all this time, then call and apologise.

Everyone's response has been the opposite though, so now I'm not so sure. I do think that having been sober for a year you have a genuine grounding from which to make the call. Either way you make it, I wouldn't let it consume too much of your day.

Actually, I thought the same thing, bleep. If something continues to bother us, we need to meet it head on.

[ThirdMan]

Now that you're sober, do you APOLOGIZE?

Thanks so much for all the replies you guys. I am torn too, siding somewhat with confronting things head on and somewhat with letting bygones be bygones. Like I said I will probably sheepishly let this thing fester, even if it does bother me a bit. I'm glad to hear that everyone doesn't see this as being an intrinsic part of recovery though. Just one more reason I prefer MWO over AA, besides the fact that AA didn't work and MWO and Bac have.

[Kimberley]

Now that you're sober, do you APOLOGIZE?

Hi Third,

I think it depends on the degree to which not only is it bothering you but also if it might prove a barrier to you forgiving yourself and moving on. It clearly does have some weight for you, otherwise you'd not be asking about it in the first place. It is totally down to you in the end, but if you are feeling a niggling worry or guilt in the back of your mind about it that will always be there unless you do something to address it. Harboured guilt often leads to relapse - no question about it.

Sometimes making amends doesn't have to be as blunt as meeting up with someone and saying sorry - sometimes there can be more appropriate ways of doing it. Whether that is just doing something nice for the person, or demonstrating how much better you are, or simply writing a letter you'll never send where you get all your bad feelings out.

And although your reasons may be, in some part, selfish in that you want to make yourself feel better, just from the way you spoke about this, that is clearly not your only motivation. You didsappointed these people, not did anything awful. And you want to make it right.

It is up to you to do what you feel comfortable with. Good luck,
K x