Hi
You may have seen me in another thread but I wanted to start a fresh one to detail my BAC journey from day one.
For those who havn't seen my other thread, just a quick history so you know what kind of abuser i am. I am 33 and have essentially spent the last 15 years in a hell of chronic binge and cocaine taking episodes. In my early 20's, I thought it was normal. By 27, it was clearly a problem(hellish recoveries, f*cked up a load of relationships, useless work attendance blah blah the norm) but I kept on plugging on determined to 'beat it'. Saw more quacks and tried more alternative therapies than you can shake a stick at. Had my first attempt at AA. Hated it. 10 days was about my limit AF and then it would always end up in 2-3-4 day benders after which I would spend approx 5-10 days trapped in my flat sweating and shaking and going mad, staring at walls and pacing around smoking cigarettes, hearing things etc. As soon as I felt better again, I would invariably do exactly the same thing again. Insanity. My life went on like that for a long, long, long time. The fear of stopping drinking I guess was even worse than the living hell I was in. I knew just how anxious and uncomfortable I could be without a drink and just had lost any faith in myself to stay stopped. The triggers were endless and nore than that, i felt like the addiction wd one day literally 'possess me' and off I would go - despite the best intentions. How I managed to keep any kind of life/friendships together I don't really know but fortunately I do have a good group of friends who care and a loving family who have been through a lot with this but are very forgiving. How I would love to be able to have them not have to worry anymore.
Anyway, 2 and a bit years ago, 5 weeks into a new relationshsip I went proper loopy on a five day bender, breaking in to my own flat with a fire extinguisher and then somehow ending up in a hotel room at great expense ready to top myself. Waved the white flag and decided on rehab instead. Spent a month in Arizona and a couple in SA. Stayed sober for 3 months back in UK and then.....boom, picked up that first drink. That was 2 years ago. Last 2 years have been hell. More ups and downs than a tarts knickers. Again, tried everything - exorcism, more quacks, 'alcohol cures', even missioned it out to the Lenair Clinic using money I didn't have in a trans continental blackout which saw me singing Roxanne flat on my back to 300 people in some Boston Bar before nearly being stabbed to death down some alley by a bunch of coke dealers who nicked most of my clothes. Hospitalised in LA ten days later and vowed to stop for good. Was beside myself. Went back to AA. Determined as F*ck. Got a great sponsor. Follow the rules down to the last tee. But same thing.....after 7 or so weeks, I feel like I am going mad. Can't fuckin stand it. Leave. Drinking within a week. Things get really bad needless to say. Getting fuckin deperate. See a hypnotherapist/CBT/life coach.....he actually helps a bit get my life together but bottom line is, while I seem to get away with moderate drinking nights a little more than before, the bender is always lurking. and its always HELL. Found Naltrexone. So excited, but things got worse(i know it takes time) Found BAC(seems a far better fit for me having read what i have read). Had some great support on here.
So, started today...taken 10mg in 2x 5mg doses and will take 2x more 5mg doses later today. Following Levin's titration schedule.
Feeling hopeful. Some inspirational posts/stories on here. If I hadn't found BAC, I genuinely do not know where I would have headed for next so I am admittedly pinning a lot of hope on it but justifiably so I think.
I will post regular and fascinated to be starting this journey. To be rid of this hell would be unexplicably amazing. I am in music and things are exciting, we have alot to look fwd to. Its a booze heavy culture so I am really hopeful that BAC will allow me to navigate these waters and not f*Ck the whole oportunity up.
So, right now, feeling physically terrible and worn out(lost the plot completely on Monday night after 9 days AF, stumbled home at 10 am couldn't remember most of the night) but mentally positive and glad to have got the ball rolling.
Sorry for long post but I know it can be helpful to have some backstory in case anyone can relate and compare.
Ok cheers.
Charlie
You may have seen me in another thread but I wanted to start a fresh one to detail my BAC journey from day one.
For those who havn't seen my other thread, just a quick history so you know what kind of abuser i am. I am 33 and have essentially spent the last 15 years in a hell of chronic binge and cocaine taking episodes. In my early 20's, I thought it was normal. By 27, it was clearly a problem(hellish recoveries, f*cked up a load of relationships, useless work attendance blah blah the norm) but I kept on plugging on determined to 'beat it'. Saw more quacks and tried more alternative therapies than you can shake a stick at. Had my first attempt at AA. Hated it. 10 days was about my limit AF and then it would always end up in 2-3-4 day benders after which I would spend approx 5-10 days trapped in my flat sweating and shaking and going mad, staring at walls and pacing around smoking cigarettes, hearing things etc. As soon as I felt better again, I would invariably do exactly the same thing again. Insanity. My life went on like that for a long, long, long time. The fear of stopping drinking I guess was even worse than the living hell I was in. I knew just how anxious and uncomfortable I could be without a drink and just had lost any faith in myself to stay stopped. The triggers were endless and nore than that, i felt like the addiction wd one day literally 'possess me' and off I would go - despite the best intentions. How I managed to keep any kind of life/friendships together I don't really know but fortunately I do have a good group of friends who care and a loving family who have been through a lot with this but are very forgiving. How I would love to be able to have them not have to worry anymore.
Anyway, 2 and a bit years ago, 5 weeks into a new relationshsip I went proper loopy on a five day bender, breaking in to my own flat with a fire extinguisher and then somehow ending up in a hotel room at great expense ready to top myself. Waved the white flag and decided on rehab instead. Spent a month in Arizona and a couple in SA. Stayed sober for 3 months back in UK and then.....boom, picked up that first drink. That was 2 years ago. Last 2 years have been hell. More ups and downs than a tarts knickers. Again, tried everything - exorcism, more quacks, 'alcohol cures', even missioned it out to the Lenair Clinic using money I didn't have in a trans continental blackout which saw me singing Roxanne flat on my back to 300 people in some Boston Bar before nearly being stabbed to death down some alley by a bunch of coke dealers who nicked most of my clothes. Hospitalised in LA ten days later and vowed to stop for good. Was beside myself. Went back to AA. Determined as F*ck. Got a great sponsor. Follow the rules down to the last tee. But same thing.....after 7 or so weeks, I feel like I am going mad. Can't fuckin stand it. Leave. Drinking within a week. Things get really bad needless to say. Getting fuckin deperate. See a hypnotherapist/CBT/life coach.....he actually helps a bit get my life together but bottom line is, while I seem to get away with moderate drinking nights a little more than before, the bender is always lurking. and its always HELL. Found Naltrexone. So excited, but things got worse(i know it takes time) Found BAC(seems a far better fit for me having read what i have read). Had some great support on here.
So, started today...taken 10mg in 2x 5mg doses and will take 2x more 5mg doses later today. Following Levin's titration schedule.
Feeling hopeful. Some inspirational posts/stories on here. If I hadn't found BAC, I genuinely do not know where I would have headed for next so I am admittedly pinning a lot of hope on it but justifiably so I think.
I will post regular and fascinated to be starting this journey. To be rid of this hell would be unexplicably amazing. I am in music and things are exciting, we have alot to look fwd to. Its a booze heavy culture so I am really hopeful that BAC will allow me to navigate these waters and not f*Ck the whole oportunity up.
So, right now, feeling physically terrible and worn out(lost the plot completely on Monday night after 9 days AF, stumbled home at 10 am couldn't remember most of the night) but mentally positive and glad to have got the ball rolling.
Sorry for long post but I know it can be helpful to have some backstory in case anyone can relate and compare.
Ok cheers.
Charlie
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