Moms on bac

[not tonight]

Moms on bac

Good evening !

Have a deadline tomorrow so I can't stay on for long. Today is day 8 for me, and although last night was a bit rocky today was really a good day. The difference in my performance at work and more importantly as a mom, when I have not been drinking is undeniable. Need to find a way or reminding myself of this when the demons come calling.

bkyogagurl - 30 days it is, one day at a time.

kt - your daughter does not want to be separated from you, and I would guess looking for an in road back. It takes a great deal of love to say something difficult to a loved one. Actions will speak louder than words, forgive yourself. Speaking as a daughter, sometimes they can say more than they actually mean in order to get a point across. (if this makes any sense).

Any way I must run as this deadline is not going to sort itself out. At least I got out of going to a day long meeting tomorrow.

Have great days

[konakt]

Moms on bac

Not tonight and Chi--

You both make so much sense about my reluctance to "come clean" with my oldest daughter...NT---I really needed to be reminded that her approach to me was based on love, rather than (as my AL-soaked mind would have it) some sneaky plot to take away all my "fun." Yes--she really stuck her neck out there by very gently saying she didn't like how my drinking affects me, she didn't even mention herself! She deserves to be acknowledged....Just hearing the stories on here from the women who are daughters of alcoholics, should be enough of a wake up call for me...

Chi--thank you for making your well-put point about allowing myself some "wiggle room" and time to process this on my own before responding to my daughter. Augh, the tangled web we weave....

And to you both---Awesome, inspiring news about the AF days...I've yet to get there...

Bac at 60 currently, slowing down on rate of drinking, but not quantity with any regularity yet...still craving...

Thank you ladies...you rock!

[TracyA]

Moms on bac

I apologize that I'm very behind on everything.

KT, when I was in treatment in Canada (a bit more than five years ago), I asked my daughter to come visit me. She did. I asked her what the hardest part was of having me, an alcoholic mom. She said, "I really wanted to talk to you. That's all. When you are drunk, there's no one there to talk to."

As you can imagine, my heart died - and I still couldn't stop drinking!

More than likely KT, your daughter just wants her mom to be someone she can talk to.

Many hugs.

[konakt]

Moms on bac

Augh, Tracy. What you say about just not being there as a mother when you're drinking is really the crux of the matter. It's what I'm trying to get through my thick skull so my youngest daughter doesn't have to live with the "checked out" mom...That makes my heart break, too. Please tell me--how your relationship with your daughter is now, and how much information about your current struggles with AL do you share/not share??

Thanks. So glad you're here....

[konakt]

Moms on bac

OWS--

How is the house/showing/selling going? Such a stressful time for you. I know what you mean about the husband walking in while you're reading/posting...since this in new for me too, and he's not been here since I started bac and doesn't know about it---he keeps asking who I'm writing to...."Oh, nobody (just a few amazing women who are incredibly honest and wonderful about sharing their experiences).

I have been thinking about you (since you seem to be at the same beginning levels as I am) how the SE's and AL levels are working in your world with your family...do you have the brain freeze thing going on? I can't seem to find even the simplest words sometimes...so embarrassing! And my AL level is pretty much the same, despite my hopeful moment on Saturday night...I keep reading the success stories on MWO and am hope hope hoping it will work for me...you mentioned that you'd been here in forums before. Can you share what you were trying and what worked and what didn't?

It is good to have you here....Looking forward to hearing how it goes for you! KT

[TracyA]

Moms on bac

konakt;1072041 wrote: Please tell me--how your relationship with your daughter is now, and how much information about your current struggles with AL do you share/not share??

Thanks. So glad you're here....

We love each other very much. She lives three miles away, and we see each other only a couple times a month. Crazy, I know. I shared the first time I tried the bac. I was talking about how I was worried about the holidays. She offered to be drink-free buddy during the holidays. We really don't talk much though. Partly because she works very long hours (6 am - 5 pm), and when she's home, she wants to be with her hubby, who is shipping out soon. I'm looking forward to reconnecting with my kids.

[konakt]

Moms on bac

Tracy---It gives us all hope that our drinking won't destroy those relationships with our kids!!! Thanks for that.....

On another note, how are everyone's SE's vs. drinking levels?? Any changes noticed in cravings?

Like OWS said, now the "stash" of bac is something to obsess over (and hide)! I have a whole drawerful, which if my hubby came across might be very eyebrow-raising....anyone here had breakthrough with SE's??? My latest one is leg cramps that have me jumping out of bed screeching and hobbling around like a mad woman....

[not tonight]

Moms on bac

TracyA;1072034 wrote: "I really wanted to talk to you. That's all. When you are drunk, there's no one there to talk to."
.

Tracy I can really relate to this. My children are still small, but if I have been drinking in the evening I don't have any attention span for them. I can make them diner and get them bathed, but I don't really engage with them.

Thank you for sharing this.

[konakt]

Moms on bac

Not tonight--

Congratulations on 8 days AF!!! That is absolutely awesome! (Haven't done that in at least 15 years...) Can you tell us the differences you notice in your "being there" AF for your kids---so I (we all) can add it to our bag of tricks when we need to remind ourselves why we're doing this....day by day....again, the whole drawer full of pills thing seems quite alarming sometimes...

Thanks for sharing here.....it is so helpful for all of us.

[not tonight]

Moms on bac

Hi KT - Well it starts in the morning, waking up early refreshed, not puffy dehydrated and hung over. I can make them a good breakfast (and not drink all their juice), make sure they have everything they need for school ready at the door. Listen to what they have planned that day, go over spelling words, etc. It is the difference between the children having a calm stable start to their day as opposed to a disorganised chaotic one.

If I have not been drinking I can remember the conversations we have, remember what they asked me to bring for them at school pick up. When I am sober (this includes not recuperating from a hangover) I am able to create a calm, secure and nurturing environment for them. Well for the most part, I mean I can still lose my temper with them, but not in an erratic fashion. What I am ultimately beginning to understand is that alcohol makes me dysfunctional (duh!!) and my state of mind for the most part (at least when it is a negative state) will lead the way the household functions. But it is very hard to stay sober.

[konakt]

Moms on bac

Not tonight--

Can I send my daughter to live in your house?? =o ? (She is very tidy...)

What a great description you give of a sober mother! I want that...Just like Tracy has said, what they most want is mom there to listen. How many times did I think I was listening, just to blather on when something she'd said sparked a story that I thought was fascinating...only to be met with sort of a blank stare....oops, did I say/do something inappropriate?

Do you notice if the bac is helping with craving during the AF days? What level are you currently at, and SE's? Have you told your husband or anyone else? With my husband in town, I hate the sneaking around, whether pills or bottles...

Well done again on your AF days! Wishing for many more..... KT

[bkyogagurl]

Moms on bac

Hi NT...

Glad to hear you are doing successfully at your days... I love hearing that your kids are enjoying their mom. Bring a smile to my heart. Makes you feel good huh.

KT... I'm sorry you have to sneak around... that stinks. I was really nervous cause my husband is ultra conservative but I just said to him ya know what this is what I got going on and this is what I gotta do... you in or not... lucky me he was in. I don't think he likes the pill thing as he has never taken anything in his life accept advil but I'm not him. I need some help. Hang in there.

As for me.... I just increased my dose of Topa... I hope you gals don't mind I hang out here with you Bac gals. I like it here.

75mg I have to keep in here for awhile as my hair is falling out again. SE you know. But I have read on other board that after long term usage it will grow back and I just can't afford to give up this time. It really worked for me last time. BUT..... I am really craving a glass of wine. It worked when I got up to 250mg - 300mg shoot when I was on that dosage I could really care less about alcohol period.

So with a sad heart Not tonight I was thinking of waiting to do a 30 AF until I get to a high dose because I am plain grumpy... grumpy knowing I can't have a glass of wine. It bugs me. Cause I think about. I don't like that. I know its shameful.. But I think I am better off drinking some wine and being happy and hungover than bitchy and impatient with everyone.

I hope you don't think less of me. But I said I was going to honest and I said I was going to present. So here I am. I am not running away. Even though its so much easier. Who knows maybe I'll make it longer than I think.


Good day to you ladies..

[redhead77]

Moms on bac

Boy am I frusterated. I just typed a response and lost it again. This has been happening a lot the last couple of days. I think it's bac brain.

NT,
I think we have a bit in common. I have children that are very close in age to yours. I also am a working Mom. It is hard to juggle the demands of three kids and work. I know about the issues with being present. We too have chaotic mornings when Mom is hungover. I also feel a lot of guilt when I get home from work and the children want to spend a few quality minutes with me and I'm running for a glass of wine. Talk about not being present.

BKY,

Is that an okay way to abbreviate your name? I want to say don't feel guilty about not posting. We all have enough guilt with what society says we should be and then on top of it, abusing alcohol? I think no one should feel guilt about posting. We love having you here. I wanted to know if people have been successful on Topa? Since the book was written about it, I figured yes, but I do wonder.

KT,

I too have leg cramps. I also have joint pain. I read somewhere that baclofen blocks magnesium. I wonder if that is why. I will ask about it. In that case, supplements may be in order. Also, I have blood shot, puffy eyes, severe forgetfulness, and major lethargy. It is hard to get household chores done, and remembering things for my kids, is next to impossible. I have to write everything down. Sometimes I forget to write things down too.

Other interesting things. I find everything funny. I have no idea why, but I'm having my own private humor party. I love the sound of music. I've always liked music, but this has become a spiritual experience. Tonight I am drinking a cup of coffee and it is now 5pm. I am not drinking it because I'm forcing myself away from wine. I'm drinking it because I actually have no interest in drinking alcohol at the moment. I mean, I am going to start dinner now and I think in my head I should drink because I usually do, yet I have zero physical desire. What's up with that?

[SassyLassy]

Moms on bac

Sad news

We got news yesterday that one of my 12 year old son's classmates committed suicide Sunday night/monday morning...ugh! The death news had all of the 7th graders upset yesterday - they didn't know it was suicide until today. The Facebook posts were incredible. The outpouring of grief and emotion for this child was amazing. He was VERY bright, composed music, jazz band, baseball team, super advanced classes. I never met him, but he's gone to the same school as my son since 1st grade. I can't imagine what the parents are going through. I feel so heavy hearted just for the grief of the classmates that I've observed.

Sorry, a bit off topic-just what's going on this week with this mom. A-wise, I don't think I've been drinking less. 90 mg bac, going up to 110 on Thursday. And hubbie is planning on going A-free during lent, which starts tomorrow. I feel bad/guilty for not being able to commit to that. However, the whole control thing really hits a nerve - I need to decide FOR ME when to go A-free. He's also wanting to lose 10 pounds, and has suggested that I could follow suit, maybe 7 or 8 pounds for his 10. I don't mind the focus on getting healthier, but I have to do this on my time, when I'm ready, not because of the time of year or because hubbie decided it's time. I feel selfish, self centered, but I know I need to do this for ME!

[libmit]

Moms on bac

Hey Moms,

No alcohol for me tonight. I'm about to fall asleep (at 8:15). I was hungover this morning, but that doesn't usually stop me. I thought about opening a bottle of wine, but I kept forgetting and then I just filled a glass with water for dinner. I've been on 70mg yesterday and today. I was also goofy this afternoon. Ran into a door jam with my elbow. Felt dizzy and of course had trouble coming up with the words that I was trying to say.

Sassy Lassy, the suicide is just awful. My oldest daughter is in 7th grade - can't fathom any of her classmates ending their life. And the poor parents.

Not tonite - love your sober mother commentary. I have been embarrassed many a time by my daughters telling me I told them something or other that I have zero recollection of. I apparently told my oldest daughter she could get a FB account if she got an 84 in Math. Where I came up with 84 I have no idea - I was drunk for that conversation.

Tracy, your comment about your daughter telling you she wanted to talk to you really rings a bell to me too. I want to be there for my daughters to talk to, and why would they want to talk to me if I might overreact, forget the conversation, not listen....

KT, the leg cramps sound bad. I'll reply to your PM tomorrow - I'm falling asleep.

Night ladies - can't wait to wake up hungover free in the morning.

Libby