Hey there--
I'm new and I guess I am looking for something I didn't find in my AA meetings ( my particular women's meetings with no cross-talk and lots of beatific smiles all around...I am not AA-bashing, so no offense--if it works for you, it's a good thing).
I'd like to hear from any moms on here who might also be dealing with the very specific double-triple whammy of shame/guilt/desperation/despair of using AL while starting bac and the very real-time effects it has on our children.
In my case, my AL problems and starting bac are things I really don't feel able to share with anyone in my world....(I may look like a soccer mom, but I've got this little secret that is taking up all my energy).
I'm hoping to talk with any of you who have experienced the horrible, unmentionable fact of failing your kids that I feel on a daily basis---starting with resolve in the morning not to drink, but by afternoon, leaning over my child's homework and trying not to breathe alcohol in her face. Once your children are beyond a certain age, it's pretty hard to keep dancing the dance that, oh, mom's just kinda silly sometimes, and very cranky at other times...
Anyways, starting bac (now on 50 mg) is my last ditch effort---but something I haven't told anyone in my family because they'll think I'm nuts(er). I'd love to hear from any of you who are walking in my shoes (okay, flip-flops) and feel I'm not alone with these shameful shortcomings in the parenting department...
For me, it's very hard to come up with a realistic sense of where my responsibility to my children begins and ends.
For background, I have two grown children whom we raised both in Asia and in US, while I was not drinking. Then life took some crazy turns and I started drinking every night while cooking... Then we adopted a daughter in China, now 12, who is currently living with me while I drink a bottle and a half of wine each night, starting from the minute she gets home from school---also at birthday parties, soccer games, swim meets and practically anywhere else there's air.
The guilt is so overwhelming to me, while I pretend there is nothing wrong...Finally last month, my oldest daughter called to say that she didn't want to have a relationship with me for the time being because she doesn't like what drinking does to me. Big silence. It was the first and only time anyone has confronted me with the big D word (at least she didn't say the big A word). And of course, I never "fessed up" to her in that conversation. Instead, I got off the phone, poured myself some wine, found the bac thread and ordered some bac. Now I am so worried that it's a big pipe dream and that I'm trying to take the easy way out with a magic pill.
So, if there are any moms out there would care to share the remorse, fear, shame and hopefully, eventually the hope--of their efforts to be AL free through bac, let's start talking here, please!
KT
I'm new and I guess I am looking for something I didn't find in my AA meetings ( my particular women's meetings with no cross-talk and lots of beatific smiles all around...I am not AA-bashing, so no offense--if it works for you, it's a good thing).
I'd like to hear from any moms on here who might also be dealing with the very specific double-triple whammy of shame/guilt/desperation/despair of using AL while starting bac and the very real-time effects it has on our children.
In my case, my AL problems and starting bac are things I really don't feel able to share with anyone in my world....(I may look like a soccer mom, but I've got this little secret that is taking up all my energy).
I'm hoping to talk with any of you who have experienced the horrible, unmentionable fact of failing your kids that I feel on a daily basis---starting with resolve in the morning not to drink, but by afternoon, leaning over my child's homework and trying not to breathe alcohol in her face. Once your children are beyond a certain age, it's pretty hard to keep dancing the dance that, oh, mom's just kinda silly sometimes, and very cranky at other times...
Anyways, starting bac (now on 50 mg) is my last ditch effort---but something I haven't told anyone in my family because they'll think I'm nuts(er). I'd love to hear from any of you who are walking in my shoes (okay, flip-flops) and feel I'm not alone with these shameful shortcomings in the parenting department...
For me, it's very hard to come up with a realistic sense of where my responsibility to my children begins and ends.
For background, I have two grown children whom we raised both in Asia and in US, while I was not drinking. Then life took some crazy turns and I started drinking every night while cooking... Then we adopted a daughter in China, now 12, who is currently living with me while I drink a bottle and a half of wine each night, starting from the minute she gets home from school---also at birthday parties, soccer games, swim meets and practically anywhere else there's air.
The guilt is so overwhelming to me, while I pretend there is nothing wrong...Finally last month, my oldest daughter called to say that she didn't want to have a relationship with me for the time being because she doesn't like what drinking does to me. Big silence. It was the first and only time anyone has confronted me with the big D word (at least she didn't say the big A word). And of course, I never "fessed up" to her in that conversation. Instead, I got off the phone, poured myself some wine, found the bac thread and ordered some bac. Now I am so worried that it's a big pipe dream and that I'm trying to take the easy way out with a magic pill.
So, if there are any moms out there would care to share the remorse, fear, shame and hopefully, eventually the hope--of their efforts to be AL free through bac, let's start talking here, please!
KT
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