Moms on bac

[bleep]

Moms on bac

I'm not a mom, obviously, and thankfully, I don't know how you guys do it, but the first thing I did when I hit my switch was go to my sons room and send a silent thank you to somewhere that he didn't have a piss-head for a father anymore.

The kids get a rough ride through this whole thing, unfortunately. Thank something for baclofen and OA.

Right, being a man, I'll step back and let you guys at it...

[konakt]

Moms on bac

Aloha Doyourdream--

I am so glad you've written about your personal experience with your son...It is so hard to know how our kids really feel about our drinking...but I can guess, can't you?

I have to say I have no answers...only more questions...But maybe if we all ask enough questions together, we can help each other...

I think so many of us moms are out there trying to make things "work" or look like they're working when deep inside we know it's an illusion....augh! So painful to even write that...

I can so relate to the pain of your son commenting on your drinking....they are so innocent, yes? And that makes them so honest. If I really look back carefully (and honestly) I remember a when my son at age 7 said at the dinner table, why do you have wine every night??? And I said, I don't. And he just looked at me and said, "Yes, you do."

I've come to understand that in a family system, kids "normalize" the way they are brought up and the circumstances they live in. They do it at a subconscious level and as a way to protect themselves--in a way they can't even verbalize. But it doesn't make their "normal," which is watching the fallout of their parent's drinking, right or okay, just because we can get away with it...

That's what so frightens me....What right do I have to change my child's life, and his/her right to a truly "normal" life---a life without the negative influence of AL or drugs on me, and by extension on him/her??? None.

For me, now, at this stage in my life, it's a question of whether I will continue ignoring the honesty of my children or try to find another way to be, in their eyes (and my own), not perfect, but a 'human' mom, without all of us looking through the lens of alcohol that skews everything....will bac help or will something else??? I will take these bac pills in hopes that they will truly put the other crazy-making voices to rest....

Doyourdream, please share more about your life and experiences...with Topa, or anything else that has helped you. (I'm thinking that this forum is like free global group therapy, so any input is greatly appreciated! Especially from moms who are too ashamed to speak up.)

Thanks so much, KT

[konakt]

Moms on bac

Hey bleep--

I should have titled the thread "Parents on bac".....sorry I was such a female chauvinist pig....anybody who has stood in his/her sleeping child's room and felt wonder and huge responsibility, should be speaking here....

So glad to hear your input. (You know I'm new and welcome your bac experience and wisdom). I'm just searching for answers along with so many others....Please repeat how many days you've been AL free and levels of bac.....

Thanks for your input.....How old is your son? KT

[bleep]

Moms on bac

He'll be 2 in April...

I'll jump to your other thread so as not to derail this one with regards your other questions.

[konakt]

Moms on bac

Bleep--

Two is the sweetest age! But I also felt that about 3, 4, 5 and even 15. After that--it's a free-for-all...but they do grow up despite my trying to stop them! Some things I cannot control...

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Moms on bac

Hi, all.
I'm not a parent. I've definitely got a LOT of time on my hands and spend a good deal of it on this forum. I also thrive on pop-culture references. (for better or worse! I'm too old and way too uncool to pull it off even when I was younger!)
Now that I've given the reasons that I shouldn't be posting here, let me say, :goodjob: !!!

:rockon:
:l

KT, I'm impressed.

[Rusty]

Moms on bac

Good Morning Ladies on Bac and Bleep!

KT, maybe you could re-name this "Parents and Godparents on Bac?" I am 50 years old, never married, no kids, but I have 22 nieces and nephews, and 4 of them are my godchildren. I'll never forget that day...October 13, 2008 when my family confronted me about my drinking, wanted me to go to rehab that night, and my sister told me that her children love me so much but that I acted weird when I was around them.:upset: I love my nieces and nephews so much and I vowed after that day I would NEVER show up drunk at a family event....especially if a bunch of my nieces and nephews would be there. Geez....did I act weird? Oh yeah, when I decided to chug-a-lug 3 DOUBLE martinis prior to showing up for dinner. That's probably what she meant. The shame I felt is something I have never felt before and I am NEVER EVER EVER going to feel it again. I vowed that I would be their favorite aunt forever....someone they could always count on to be "present" for them, whether they needed me or not.

I owe my life to Dr. A, Dr. Levin and MWO. I am AF after being on 90 mg. of Bac for three months. I started my journey May 28, 2010, and I never thought I'd be able to be free of this albatross that had been around my neck for 3 1/2 years.

Like Neva said, rock on! You guys are great!:h:l

[redhead77]

Moms on bac

I was going to ask if we could change this thread name to MILFS on bac but that probably wouldn't work for Bleep. Unless, he has a secret dress up thing we don't know about. JK Bleep, you know I adore you. Thanks for your .02.

I am so very grateful for this thread. I woke up this AM and couldn't believe all the responses. Kona, you have answered a huge need here. There is a great need for support of the mothers (and Bleep), who are trying to undertake bac and raise children. I too have felt that I didn't fit in, due to what I thought were my unique circumstances of trying to take this drug, work, and run a household that consists of three little ones. Oh, and I forgot to say drink. All this is happening while still drinking. Less of course, but still too much.

So, what's my motherhood drinking story? A couple of years ago I separated from my husband. I only had the first 2 boys. I didn't believe in divorce and still believed in him, and he went to counseling (at my request). He had me believing he was changed and I started getting hope of saving our marriage. One night he created this seduction scene and well I got pregnant with our daughter and took him back. He never changed. If anything I think it got worse cause he figured I would never get rid of him. After our daughter was born I was nursing but started to have the occasional glass of wine. That's allowed when your nursing. Ftr, I was always able to abstain from alcohol while pregnant.

Due to post partum depression and my volatile marriage that one glass of wine quickly escalated. To the point I stopped nursing so I could drink more wine. My husband started to say stuff to me about my drinking. He of course drinks to much, but I being the mother, well that's not allowed. I tried to talk to him about our marriage, how he treated us, how depressed I was. He told me he wouldn't have to be abusive, if I didn't do things to "deserve it". Yes, insanity I know. I actually went to counseling believing if I changed me, then maybe I could earn his love. Well, I did end up changing me in some regards. With a good therapist who referred me to a psychiatrist to treat my depression, I started to see things for what they were. I was neva eva going to change him. Abusive men rarely change. So, I kicked him out, so I could crawl out of hell and save myself.

That was almost a year ago. I haven't really cut down on my drinking. Knew I had to get rid of him to do it, but haven't really had the tools to complete the task. My breaking point, and what brought me here, was when my 8 year old (he turned 9 two weeks ago), said to me "Mom, maybe you don't remember because you were drunk". That was my wake up moment. I thought OMG, my kid KNOWS this isn't normal. He then said "I'm sorry Mom. Your not mad at me for saying that are you"? I thought oh great, now this disease infested my family. He's worried I might be mad because he told the truth? That's when I really got serious and started researching how I was going to do this. I won't stop until I get it done.

[Rusty]

Moms on bac

Redhead (love the name as I am a natural redhead ) I admire you so much for your courage in telling us your story and taking the time to be here. We are all here to support you in your journey, whether we have kids or not. Your husband was abusive and good for you for getting out of it!:goodjob: Some women, like my 30-year-drinking-alcoholic aunt...stayed in hers. I know, I KNOW....if she had dumped him or had married someone else, her alcoholism would not have escalated to the point that it did. Finally she is sober through rehab and AA. Not my choice but if it works for her, ok! There are some younger mothers like yourself on other threads who are struggling to be AF, and are reluctant to try Bac. I am going to reach out to them in PMs and really encourage them to give it a try. I don't know if people look at Bac as being a crutch, or dangerous because it's not OTC, but it IS a lifesaver. As far as tools to stop or cut down at first, Red....what I did was just ask myself when I wanted to pick up a glass was to say, "Do I really NEED it, or WANT it, or WHAT will it solve?" Or is this just my routine? For me, it was a routine I needed to break. Hope I've helped in some small way and it's great to have you here with us!:l

[SassyLassy]

Moms on bac

I wonder what my boys think of me...I think my 16 year old stepson thinks/knows I'm a lush, and while he's glad I'm around to do things like keep groceries in the house, cook nice dinners, and generally maintain the household, he doesn't really like me. His mom died when he was six - car accident - and I met his dad when he was 10. Somehow, too old to really bond with in a mother/child way, and while we've never really fought, the relationship has always been stiff.

My son was 6 when I met my hubbie - so full of life and energy and piss and vinegar. He helped the older boy come out of his shell to a certain extent, and the older boy helped mine become a little more disciplined. They had a good relationship, but the older teen is too cool anymore to have anything to do with his younger brother. They are now 16 and 12, if I haven't said that already.

My hubbie owns a liquor store, so there has always been wine around and available for dinner. I didn't really drink, maybe once or twice a month, until I met him, and I was 40 then. Does that mean I don't really have a true addiction, or can it hide like that and evolve with usage/availability? I guess I need to look at why my drinking escalated from just splitting a bottle of wine every night with hubbie, which is plenty, to having my own stash that I can dip into when that's gone, or before dinner while I'm cooking? I was laid off in 2009-10 for eleven months, and I remember thinking that gave me a "right" to want to drink. However, while I'm not a runner, I trained almost daily and ran 3 half marathons in 2009 and 2010. Imagine the weight I'd have lost if I hadn't been drinking! Got my new job a little over a year ago, and I love it-first job I've had that I enjoy and that uses my education and abilities since I relocated 6 years ago to a new city to marry my husband.

Alcoholism is in my family-grandpa was institutionalized, and at least half of his nine kids, including my dad, abuse alcohol or are/were alcoholics. My mom doesn't drink. But in my mind, she's addicted to food. I remember as a young teen trying to diet, and drank Tab - yes, Tab!!. But I think I got addicted to it, at least emotionally. I would buy it in secret, walk or bike to the grocery store to get it, in some pretty bad weather at times, and I'd put it outiside my bedroom window and then bring it into the house through the window. C'mon, if that's not addictive behavior, I don't know what is! Same kind of thing with chocolate. And one of my siblings must've talked about it, because a youth minister at my church actually said something to me about it!!

OK, fast forward to the present-I think it's clear I have the proclivity to want more and more of something, whether it's Tab, chocolate, or wine. Fill me up, feed me, I can't get enough, I want more. There are song lyrics in a John Mellencamp song that sort of say it better than I can:

I'll try anything once but then do it to death
But I ain't ever satisfied
..
Can't get enough, no, of nothing

I've got seven of everything and more in the till
But I ain't ever satisfied
You think this is dangerous stuff
It ain't even a thrill
I ain't ever satisfied
Oh, I am never
No, I am never
I don't know why I ain't ever satisfied

I have a wonderful husband, a little too strict with the boys, likes to be in charge and control most things, but he is a good man, financially we're successful, go to church every Sunday, both came from unbroken homes...I don't have any of the tragedies that I read in some other threads, "valid reasons" to be so messed up, and yet here I am, drinking 1-2 bottles (?) of wine every night. What the F is my problem?

I think I don't feel loved...Mom never really liked me, I was virtually friendless in jr high and high school, my first husband left me, and I am again friendless. Hubbie loves me, still whistles at me, but his passion are his businesses and starting new things - not finishing them. We have a BEAUTIFUL bathroom addition he started in 2004 - not done, not yet useable. A kitchenette in the basement started in 2008 or so, not finished. An office he built for me, nearly finished, but still trim pieces not installed. And finally, we started re-doing our kitchen in December 2010, and well, nothing's been done for a week or two. It's slow going. FINISH!! Soon, it'll be spring and he'll want to spend all of his time in the garden.

Wow, I have so hi-jacked this thread, but wanted to get this all out and really "invest" myself in this site, let people know me. I was on Topa Sept-Nov, but it didn't really work, so I didn't refill it. Started on Bac Feb 4, Dr. L prescribed it. I'm at 50 mg/day, will move to 70 or 75 on Thursday. Wanting SO BADLY for it to work. Hubbie mentioned he wanted to give up A for lent...OMG. I'm not ready to commit to something like that!!

Enough - I'm at work, and crying, need to get myself together and get some work done so I don't lose this job. Thanks for listening.

[oldwineskins]

Moms on bac

Hi - I am new here and kind of nervous about posting. I don't know why, but I am. I think it is that I feel I have hidden this problem and if I post here someone will "out" me. I have been lurking here on MWO for the past month. I know I need to do something about my drinking. It is not so bad that I am in the gutter, but it has been getting to be a daily thing and I don't like it. I am tired of waking up in the am and swearing I will not drink tonight - but then I do. I thought I don't need any help doing this - but I have been trying to do it for too long and have not had much luck. So, yesterday I started on Baclofen. I will see how it works. I started at 30 mg. Anyway - I have a 22 year old, and a 19 year old, an 8 year old and a 4 year old. Thank you so much KonaKT for starting this thread - it is the first one I felt comfortable joining in on.

[Rusty]

Moms on bac

Hello Oldwineskins:welcome:

You might also want to post in the General Discussion or the Newbies Nest, too! We are thrilled to have you here! Good thing you identified you were having a problem early on. Let me know if I can help you in any way.:l

Rusty

[redhead77]

Moms on bac

Sassy,

It is so good to meet you. I mean meet you for real. You didn't hijack anything. You were open and honest about who you are and what you are going through. Please know that you drink 1-2 bottles of wine a night, because you have a disease. It runs in your family. As it does mine. It is really that simple. It's not because your a failure or a crappy Mom. It's because you have a disease. A disease that you are now doing something about. I know you hurt. This stuff is really hard. It is the most awful thing in the world to be doing the most important job on earth (raising kids), and knowing that you are drinking while doing it.

Soon, you and the rest of us will be crying tears of joy. That we beat this beast of a disease and can be the best mothers and most importantly, the best individuals we can be. Truly grow as human beings. Pave the way for the next. I really loved that you shared your story with us.

Rusty,

I am not sure what's going on in the general threads but have an idea. I tried WFS for a while, and felt complete despair. The women struggle so much, especially the young moms who feel guilt, lack of support, and utter exhaustion. They are all hiding. It is so unacceptable to be mother and an alcoholic. No one is willing to think about pharmacology for this disease (at least at WFS). I had to stop visiting there. It was too depressing. I believe threads like this will attract young mothers (all mothers really), so they can find the help they need. These women are bringing up our next generation. These young people will be in charge of us when were old. There is a great need here.

[konakt]

Moms on bac

LadyLush--

Your 26 year old making you feel ashamed so speaks to me....how is it that the little being we brought into the world all those years ago is now standing before us, making us see things about ourselves we never thought possible?

In my case, I know I am not dealing with it in a healthy way at the moment. I have basically stopped talking to my oldest daughter since she called me out (she does live in a diff state). But still, we used to be so close, and it seems I have chosen AL over her....while waiting for the bac to kick in (am at 50 and day 11).

That is so cool that your kids are noticing and commenting on your progress. You must have done something right to have that kind of love and support from them. I realize how much courage it must have taken on my daughter's part to confront me. But it still hasn't stopped me from drinking.

I guess what I feel the worst about is that drinking is basically the opposite of mothering...in that it keeps me from being fully present for my kids and their needs. How many times have I sat down to help with homework and kept glancing at the clock, thinking, right, can we just get on with this so I can get back to my "real" child, the one that I seem to love more than you---my bottle of wine? It is so awful to write that. I am glad to have this place to be able to share my worst thoughts and fears for my kids and have you mothers who know exactly what I'm saying here.

For the time being, bac feels similar to drinking. In that it's hard to feel "present" when I am so spacey on it...driving and trying to pay attention to my 12 yr old at the same time without crossing the center line is a real challenge.

Thank you for sharing your successes LadyLush.....hearing about all the baby steps keeps me hopeful.

Keep letting us all know about your journey...

(PS Sorry I don't know how to quote from your post yet and just spent 20 min. trying...I knew how to do it yesterday...what's up with that?)

[konakt]

Moms on bac

RedHead---

Thank you for sharing your amazing story---you have been incredibly brave and an inspiration to this mom here, and I'm sure to many others....

(As I keep saying, sorry I can't seem to be able to quote people's posts, so I hope you all know what I'm referring to in RedHead's.)

I so hear what you're saying about the double standard of the mom not being "allowed" to drink in the family, and yet somehow the dad is not so harshly judged....it's just wrong. It's a very archaic, deeply ingrained societal expectation and is very hard to change, even in 2011, thus it's why we condemn ourselves so stringently, don't you think?

I am so impressed that you had the guts to go and find the help you needed---therapy, psychiatrist, antidepressants---with all the stress you had going on in your life. You deserve a medal for that! And I it sounds like you've saved your children from re-living a similar fate in their future. You stopped the cycle and are to be commended for your strength.

We can all learn from your experience. Please keep sharing your progress. Thank you. KT