Moms on bac

[konakt]

Moms on bac

Oldwineskins--

Thank you for sticking your neck out there. I only started here and on bac last week, and have never posted before online anywhere, so I am no expert and not completely comfortable doing this either. But the experienced people on here have all been very very kind and helpful to me---ans they don't seem to be a bunch of nut cases (at least not any more so than I am!).

I think we're all kind of groping around in the dark for answers here....for me, the added stigma of being a mother who drinks is just something that is not talked about enough. I've only gone to a few AA meetings, and tried to go mostly to women's groups, and I found many times they would just gloss over the fact that they had lost custody of their children or ended up passed out in front of them. And I wanted to shout, "Wait! Could we back up a minute here and talk about how you got from there to sobriety???" But the meeting would just go on like, no big deal.....

When you say you're not in the gutter or anything, I say it doesn't matter...I can relate so much...I wouldn't be trying bac out of I hadn't sunk so low in my own estimation that this is my last ditch effort. Reading the posts here helps me keep my eye on the prize...and reading reading reading books about AL....in between laundry, cooking and schlepping....

I feel very lucky to have the chance to hear all of your (our) voices and I think this is a safe place to share the things that are so painful to talk about as mothers.

Thank you so much Oldwineskins. I love that name...reminds me of a boda bag I had on a ski trip once. Please keep writing and sharing your particular challenges...I hope the bac works for all of us...KT

[konakt]

Moms on bac

SassyLassy--

Thank you for sharing your very real and painful story. It sounds as though you have a lot to deal with, esp. with a teen and nearly teen...

Again, I don't know how to quote from your post, so I'll just put your words in bold...

I wonder what my boys think of me...

When my son was a teen and still living at home, he would go into the basement and disappear into video games while I disappeared into a bottle...I think that's how addiction infiltrates a family sometimes....Like, "well, if she can do it, so can I"---it becomes an acceptable a way to deal with feelings and stress.

I didn't really drink, maybe once or twice a month, until I met him, and I was 40 then. Does that mean I don't really have a true addiction, or can it hide like that and evolve with usage/availability?

I am a "late onset" drinker as well, and it took me a lot of years sitting around thinking I was not a real alcoholic because of that fact...but my feeling now is, if I look back carefully at the conflicts with my kids that I've had over the years, they were caused by and certainly exacerbated by drinking.....conclusion---I have an AL problem. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. (Oh and hiding wine bottles in old purses hanging in my closet might have been another clue)....

OK, fast forward to the present-I think it's clear I have the proclivity to want more and more of something, whether it's Tab, chocolate, or wine. Fill me up, feed me, I can't get enough, I want more.

Yes! I would agree we are addicted to more...trying to fill an empty hole with something outside of ourselves in unhealthy ways...I already see my 12 yr old sneaking sweets. It is so cripplingly shameful to think I've had a hand in modeling that behavior.....shopping is another way to try to fill the hole....

You've not hijacked thread, you are sharing so many things that we all feel in our family lives....On the unfinished projects around the house, my daughter and I joke that my husband has great intentions, not so great outcomes....

AND....ftr when I was small, I used to try to give up chocolate for Lent and never lasted the first week...probably a foreshadowing there.....

Thank you for putting your story out here...I really hope bac works for you and for all of us. Keep us posted and we are rooting for you.....

[oldwineskins]

Moms on bac

Thank you for your welcome KonaKT. I hope to have more to say - but this bac is making me so tired. I was doing a practice spelling bee with a few 8 year olds this afternoon and kept falling asleep waiting for them to spell their words. I wonder what they were thinking????

Oldwineskins is a tribute to my dear old Dad. I had a friend who back in my earlier years drank way too much and that was my Dad's nickname for him. I never thought I would be referring to myself as oldwineskins. My dad was a tea totaller because he had watched what alcohol did to so many in his family.

My plan is to get out and go for a walk - get some fresh air - wake up - get some exercise - get healthy - well you get the idea.

OWS

[SassyLassy]

Moms on bac

Just talked to Dr. L, as I have my Rx for Bac thru him and I'm unsure going into my 2nd month how to get "enough" bac. 100 - 10 mg pills won't cut it. He said to talk to the pharmacist, let them know I am on an increasing dosage, and will need xx pills for the following month. They will need to call him to verify, but that's how to handle it. Always fun,l to call a pharmacy and ask for special treatment. I hate to make those kinds of calls. Double whammy-one of my son's friend's mom is a pharmacist at the local Walgreens. I'll go to a different branch than the one I know she works at...when I picked up my first Rx of Bac, I already was walking in nervous and self conscious. Then I hear, "Hi, Sassy", only with my real name. What, who said that? Then I saw her in her white coat behind the counter, helping a drive-thru customer. I wonder if she's looked me up in the computer after seeing me to see what I'm taking, and wondering if I have MS or something???Strange thoughts. Anyway, Dr. L. was pleasant as can be, into a book he is reading about the brain. I wish I had 10% of his dedication!!

[LadyLush]

Moms on bac

Gosh all,

I have been following you all through out the day and due to work could not respond as fast as I wanted to!

RED - Oh my gosh..it is so WONDERFUL to know I am not alone!
I too had my daughter (now 10) when we were actually divorced! We separated in 1998 did counseling and I finally carried through with the divorce in 1999. I, we, got pregnant in 2000 and he moved back home. In the state I live it became "common law" Marriage.
I could go on and on and on but that is not what this thread is about.

Thank-you all, especially Konakt for starting this thread.
My kids are seeing mom is coming bac and they don't care how I do it...JUST COME BAC!

All of you are dear to my heart but Red you made me cry with gratitude!

Thanks again to all of you!

Regards,

Lady

[doyourdream]

Moms on bac

There has been a lot of activity since I posted last night.

The thread could be renamed many things: Parents who drink but are trying not to and are trying drugs to get off of or moderate on or are trying just not to drink or many other things... ;-)

I am titrating up on the Topamax but am not sure yet if it has made a difference but maybe so on the new dosage I have just gone up on. I am sleepy tonight so we'll see.

It is definitely interesting to see so many people struggling in so many ways. It's nice to know that I am not alone.

I've only recently shared my struggles with some people. And ironically, I have not shared it at all with my friend who is in recovery because I am sure she would judge me as an alcoholic in a very negative, judgemental way and I would not find that helpful at all.

The friends that I have recently shared with have been supportive of my new journey and I do appreciate that.

Anyhow, I am enjoying reading this thread.

[konakt]

Moms on bac

Hi Sassy--

That is a worry...not having enough bac...I was so skeptical about buying online--have never done that before and was kind of freaked out receiving the hand-addressed package from India...and hoping I'm not supporting child-labor there...Augh. I have ordered from 4RX with expedited shipping and while it's expensive, not as expensive as the Napa Valley Chard's I buy...My husband will also soon be questioning the Visa bill I'm sure...perhaps I'll tell him it's for Viagra (!).

SassyLassy;1068462 wrote: Just talked to Dr. L, as I have my Rx for Bac thru him and I'm unsure going into my 2nd month how to get "enough" bac.

Double whammy-one of my son's friend's mom is a pharmacist at the local Walgreens. I'll go to a different branch than the one I know she works at...when I picked up my first Rx of Bac

Yikes! That is embarrassing...I hope you just faked it until you felt it and kept your head up high...it was probably just a blip on her screen. As a pharmacist, she must see much much more problematic prescriptions...I've started ordering Aetna home delivery (not for bac, but for antidep's) and it is the way to go--cheaper and three-month's supply at a time...

How are you feeling now at your current bac level? I'm still at about 50 after 11 days and don't notice any diff. in drinking levels. I keep reading and reading here to stay motivated...

Thank you for staying with us here...I know I can use all the support I can find...

KT

[konakt]

Moms on bac

Aloha Doyourdream--

Thank you for checking in. I agree it is so strange (in a good way, I hope?) to be able to share things here that I cannot share in "real life"....I have not told my husband about the bac yet....I am hoping to tell him after there is a change in my behavior, for the better (?)...in the meantime it's an hour-to-hour struggle for me....

doyourdream;1068488 wrote:
I've only recently shared my struggles with some people. And ironically, I have not shared it at all with my friend who is in recovery because I am sure she would judge me as an alcoholic in a very negative, judgemental way and I would not find that helpful at all.

I know about judgmental---in N. CA, where my 26 year old daughter lives, (OK, Berkeley) there is almost too much information out there about how to recover, don't you think? She is so over-educated about the protocol to take with addicts that I feel like I'm listening to an Alanon tape, sometimes...like who are you and what happened to my daughter?? I know it's a good thing for her to set boundaries, and take care of her own issues rather than mine...but still---it is very painful to be on the receiving end of politically correct recovery speak. She's only lived 26 years, for God's sake...(Sorry, that was a bit of a rant...thank you for listening).

Please let us know how the T goes...even though I don't love recovery mottoes, I do appreciate hearing about real-life, down in the trenches experiences.

Keep me (us) apprised of how your journey goes....much thanks. KT

[bleep]

Moms on bac

Hi, it's me again.

I don't really want to post in this thread, because I do think as mothers you deserve a space. It is a different, heavier burden that you carry to most, but there is something I had to say:

Sassy, don't be alarmed at all - baclofen can be prescribed for restless leg syndrome, among other fairly innocuous ailments. Primarily, it is a muscle relaxant, and that is what people think of first if they think of it at all. So you have a very easy out if that ever pops up in conversation.

Bear in mind that as a pharmacist, she fills prescriptions for a living, so to her it's a routine, everyday occurrence, not the life changing one you experience it to be. She is very unlikely to have gone and checked up on you.

[konakt]

Moms on bac

OWS--

I hope your walk helped with your bac tiredness....I was walking everyday until I started bac...this afternoon I fell asleep in the car (not while driving) while waiting for my daughter to finish swim practice. I guess that's OK??? I hope it means I my brain is starting to utilize the bac as it slowly builds up in my system....just like anti-depressants, that take awhile to kick in....

oldwineskins;1068392 wrote:

Oldwineskins is a tribute to my dear old Dad. I had a friend who back in my earlier years drank way too much and that was my Dad's nickname for him. I never thought I would be referring to myself as oldwineskins.

My plan is to get out and go for a walk - get some fresh air - wake up - get some exercise - get healthy - well you get the idea.
OWS

I also think of my parents (now deceased) and what they would think of me now and it is very hard....I think they'd be astonished and disappointed. I think of their expectations every day and how I've not lived up to them.....and I internalize how I've failed in so many ways from the the things they taught me.

I somehow don't relate to this being a disease---My parents died of real diseases that their life choices had nothing to do with. I somehow blame myself for these choices that I made that affect my children and family life. Augh, but that is not a helpful way of thinking at all, you know? I will see if taking bac will make some kind of inroads in my thinking.

Yes--I think walking is a metaphor for what we're trying to accomplish here. One foot in front of the other.....sounds so simple, doesn't it?

Thank you for writing. It is very comforting to know you're out there trying...

KT

[oldwineskins]

Moms on bac

Morning Mommies - I start day 3 of bac - other than the fatigue I don't know if I have much else to report. I didn't have to talk myself out of a nightcap last night as I was so tired I just wanted to get in bed. One of my usual tricks is to offer to do the dishes/laundry/whatever and let dh go to bed and I get to pour myself a nice big glass of wine and enjoy it. Sometimes I will pour another "glass." I say that in quotes because it is definitely not the 4 oz serving that I think counts as a glass of wine.

I have been reading more about the se of bac. I am worried about the weight gain. Anyone here have that? I know it is super duper shallow of me - but I don't think I want to deal with that. Also - facial drooping?? Fatigue I can handle.

KonaKT - My mom is still living - but I do feel so bad when I think about my Dad. But - I have to focus on how proud he would be of me pulling myself out of this funk I am in . He knew how hard the fight against alcohol can be. Actually, he was always very kind to alcoholic relatives. I certainly wasn't raised to think of them as evil or anything. More - that we should feel pity for them.

Sassy - I know the feeling. I feel like everyone in the pharmacy is staring at me. The pharmacist said he needed to talk to me. What??? Well, he came out and asked me if was going to be needing this more because he would have to special order it. I am doing this without telling dh, so all I need is for the pharmacy to call and leave a message at the house - or to order it online and for him to get the package. I was even thinking about going around to do different pharmacies and then also getting some online. Why not tell him? Shame. He is such a strong willed person and would say if you think it is a problem - just stop drinking. So easy - why don't I just do that???? Maybe building up the BAC stash will takeover the obsession of my alcohol stash. I guess it is less embarrassing than that. And I do need to obsess over something.

Thanks you ladies for being here. I think this is just what I need.

OWS

[Road to Recovery]

Moms on bac

oldwineskins;1068684 wrote: Morning Mommies - I start day 3 of bac - other than the fatigue I don't know if I have much else to report. I didn't have to talk myself out of a nightcap last night as I was so tired I just wanted to get in bed. One of my usual tricks is to offer to do the dishes/laundry/whatever and let dh go to bed and I get to pour myself a nice big glass of wine and enjoy it. Sometimes I will pour another "glass." I say that in quotes because it is definitely not the 4 oz serving that I think counts as a glass of wine.


Thanks you ladies for being here. I think this is just what I need.

OWS

OWS,
Sorry for busting into the Mom's thread - but I am a parent so I should be good. Just want to say a couple of things - That is how bac helped me beat AL - early on (day 4 at 40mg) I decided to sleep because of the tiredness instead of drink. After a few nights of that and going to 60mg - I no longer craved AL. I wish it was that simple for all but wanted you to know that deciding to sleep instead of drink sure sounds like bac is working - as we all say - we would normally use any excuse to sneak a drink!.

Also - as far as kids - I had a weird experience. I drank everynight in front of my kids - and they knew when i was drunk - sometimes passed out in front of the computer or passing out on the couch. Daddy drinking beer was the norm for them. Anyway after being AF for a few months _ no beer whatsoever - they never asked why or never commented that I wasnt drinking. I thought that was strange!

Anyway,
Keep up the great work Moms and also the chat room here is a good support as well during those craving times.

[LadyLush]

Moms on bac

Good morning everyone!

A fast quetion to all of you. For those of you that have been on Bac for awhile do you notice a different in brands?
I will be back later when I have time to read everything

Lady

p.s. I LOVE my children!

[doyourdream]

Moms on bac

Regarding feeling self-conscious about the pharmacist wondering about why you're taking your medicine, when I got my first RX for Topamax, I went to the very crowded CVS instead of my normal Safeway where it's very small and the pharmacist knows me and instead had to wait in massive lines because I was ashamed of them knowing why I was taking Topamax. When I got a refill for the larger dosage I decided to go ahead and go for my regular pharmacy because the on-label use is for migraines so I decided to let them think I have migraines.

And you know what? They probably don't care.

It is intereresting to read about the people that have stopped drinking and if their kids even notice. When there have been times that I have stopped drinking or tapered down, my son has never commented. I sometimes wonder if he even really pays any attention.

Kids by nature are self-centered and pay attention to their own worlds. When I drink, it's a few glasses a wine in front of him. It's not like I get sloppy drunk at all. So it may not really be on his radar if I have it or not. It will be interesting to talk about later when he's an adult what his recollection of it is.

Of course, my goal is to moderate or abstain and so that is the train I'm on now.

[SassyLassy]

Moms on bac

Re: Weight gain, yes a couple of pounds after a month, but it's hard to say if it's the BAC. 2 pds=BFD compared to the (future) benefit.