Moms on bac

[SassyLassy]

Moms on bac

Spaced Out Sassy

Wow, I'm feeling the bac today...I moved up to 90 mg today, so took 30 mg this morning. That's only 5 mg more than usual. BUT BOY, CAN I FEEL IT! I don't feel tired, but rather, spacy, almost like I'm drunk, but it's a physical thing, not mental. I'm at work, and have been doing normal work things without trouble, figured out a problem that I couldn't figure out yesterday. But I feel a lightness, sort of a floating sensation. Even in my eyes-like I can't always keep my focus. More my hands, as I'm typing, I think it's slower than usual. :nutso:

I called Walgreens today about my bac Rx - in case you haven't read my earlier post, one of my son's friend's mom is a pharmacist there. We aren't socially friends, but see each other when our sons get together. Anyway, I was going to call a different branch, but this is the "main" one, and where I'll go to pick it up, and I thought, what are the odds that she'd be working this morning? I did talk with a female pharmacist about getting more bac - 100 qty won't do it for the next month - but I don't know if it was her. It sort of sounded like it could be, but she didn't say hi or anything - maybe she can't. This is so weird.

Snowing here - can't we please get some Spring?

[LadyLush]

Moms on bac

oldwineskins,

I want to cry too. We all carry baggage. I have to go to work and will post later.
And I usually cry on my way to work because of something Murphy said. If you ever get sad, read his thread.

Love y'all...

Lady

[konakt]

Moms on bac

Whoa! My daughter had to shake me awake this morning

Kind of scarey---

I took 20 at bedtime last night and fell asleep before I could set my alarm...next thing I knew, my daughter was shaking me (twice!) this morning before I came to, saying we were late. That never once happened to me from drinking (thus the 'functional alcoholic' label)...I felt very embarrassed today and sort of scrambling to make breakfast, find keys etc.

I'm supposed to take some food in for a fair at her school later today and she said "Don't forget!" as she got out of the car...I've got to get a grip here.

I really hope this is all worth it. I am still going to titrate up today...still same cravings as ever.

I also am very grateful to have this thread--there's not one other person in my life to talk honestly about this stuff with. Thanks for listening...KT

[konakt]

Moms on bac

oldwineskins;1069315 wrote: One Glass of Wine!!! That is all I drank last night.

That is so fantastic OWS!! One glass is amazing---Give yourself a big pat on the back. How I wish to get there soon...

And re. worrying about our own kids and AL:

I did worry when my kids were teens, but they actually went in the opposite direction and were and are "straight edge." (All through high school and now at 22 and 26 no drinking, no drugs). Also, at the time, I was just beginning on my drinking path (late onset alcoholic, that's me). But my kids have also had very diff challenges than many. (Daughter came out as a lesbian at 15 and later ran away from home. Son had major panic attacks and almost didn't graduate from high school.) Oh yeah, and my husband lost his job and we lost our house...but I digress---

Those were fun years---My husband and I used to joke that we wished we'd had the 'normal' teen problems of drinking and drugs...But, if I'm honest, it's when I started seriously drinking to numb out, rather than socially...

STILL no excuse to start drinking, right??? Everything has gotten better since then---except my drinking, which has gotten worse.

Thanks for bringing this to light OWS...AL is a nasty nasty disease that I wouldn't wish on anyone...

Thanks to all of you parents for listening and helping....KT

[konakt]

Moms on bac

SassyLassy;1069378 wrote: Wow, I'm feeling the bac today...I moved up to 90 mg today, so took 30 mg this morning. That's only 5 mg more than usual. BUT BOY, CAN I FEEL IT! I don't feel tired, but rather, spacy, almost like I'm drunk, but it's a physical thing, not mental.

That's how I'm feeling too, Sassy. Physical weirdness, not mental--kind of like your knees are giving out, and I weave a little bit. I am still taking 20 at a time.

Have your cravings and/or drinking levels changed? Weaving and still wanting to drink are not fun at all....

I'm thinking about you in the snow---come visit me in Hawaii! (Sometimes we all need a break from our kids...; ) KT

[konakt]

Moms on bac

Chi;1069343 wrote:
I remember her saying one time that she didn't "start drinking until we were teenagers"
She has no idea how much of me she lost because of it.

Chi--

I have thought and said those exact words--"I didn't start drinking until they were teenagers..." Luckily, I have only said it to myself--never to them. And still I know my drinking has and had nothing to do with them. Once it got its hooks in me though, AL was my best friend, my lover, my confidante, my everything. The rest just was not as important.

When I had my kids (and adopted my youngest) I thought I had died and gone to heaven-- being a good mom was all I ever really wanted. I have loved them like I never could have imagined, and learned the most important lessons in my life from them...and now being this older, late-onset drinker just was never what I imagined for them or myself in a million years.

I just keep reading the success posts in hopes that bac will work for me and all the moms on here.....so we don't have to disappoint our children any more....

Chi--Thanks for sharing that painful truth.....Certainly is a wake up call for me....Sigh. KT

[libmit]

Moms on bac

I'm kind of new and kind of old here. I was here in 2008 trying Topa, which worked for a little while. I've also tried Nal, which didn't work, and now I'm here trying bac. It MUST work.

KT, I have two daughters adopted from China and I'm horrified that my two beautiful daughters have so far been raised by a drunk (and my less drunk husband).

My oldest daughter is 13 and although she doesn't say anything, she knows I'm a drunk. I feel like she knows when to talk to me and when to avoid me. Very sad that she has to avoid me. My youngest daughter is 9, and is maybe less knowing, but both of them have experienced my drunkeness in awful ways.

I started drinking when I was about 15 (I'm almost 48 now). I've been drinking daily probably since I got my first apartment at around 22. By some miracle I've never been arrested or been hospitalized (from drinking).

Anyway, I started taking bac (which I ordered online, just like I ordered the topa and nal online - wouldn't want to confide in my doctor!) on 2/25. Took 20 mg (10 mg x 2) that day and the next day, and I couldn't keep my head up. The third day I split the 10 mg pills in half and took them every two hours or so, and upped it to 30 mg for the third and fourth days. Was much more awake. Days 5 and 6 I took 40 mg broken up during the day, and today I'm going for 50mg. Took the first 10 mg in two pills and now I'm going to take the full 10 mg pills for the rest of the day. No change in drinking so far.

The bac seems to make me extremely chatty (I've been sending these ridiculously long emails to my friends) as well as forgetful. I've been sleeping really well too.

Anyway, this is a great thread. Thank you KT for starting it.

Libby

[SassyLassy]

Moms on bac

NPR

Listening to Talk of the Nation on NPR (national public radio) and they're talking about how people with chronic diseases turn to the internet message boards for support...wonder if they'll mention MWO??? Stay tuned.

[TracyA]

Moms on bac

Hi Libby. I remember you. A world traveler, as I recall.

Good luck with the bac. I'm working on titrating up too.

I am a mom, but my kids are in their 30s, so whatever damage was done is done. I'd like to be a non drunk for them now though, and for little Xavier:



He's my grandson.

[libmit]

Moms on bac

Tracy,
WOW, you have a good memory. Little Xavier is adorable. Where are you in the bac titration?

[Chi]

Moms on bac

Tracy when I was in my 30's if my mom had gotten a grip on her drinking (and all the dysfunctional behavior that goes with it) I would have been ecstatic. I wish she would do it now!

I didn't mean to make you guys feel bad.... I have a 26 year old who has seen plenty... but I also see it from the other end, and that has made me realize I need to break the cycle for my son. I am determined that he will not suffer like I am with my mom. I grew up having to worry about my mom, and it continues to this day. I don't want that for him.

[TracyA]

Moms on bac

Chi, you did not make me feel bad. I promise.

My mom quit when she was about 55, I guess. I don't think it would have mattered in my own journey if she had quit earlier. I have the genes coming from both sides and through generations. She went to her first AA mtg with me after I got out of treatment 20 years ago. When crisis hit her and she decided she had to stop, she went back to that very same meeting.

Not to say I don't have "mother" issues. She was probably the most destructive force in my life (next to booze). A lot of that had nothing to do alcohol. She was just a cold, emotionally untouchable person. Very sad.

My kids are well aware of what a struggle this has been for me. The dialog regarding that has been open for a long time. They've been through some ugly stuff along the way. There is nothing I can do about any of that now, so it is a waste of time and energy for me to obsess on it or let guilt make me unhappy. I wish they had had better, but I never chose this path. Who in their right mind would choose addiction?

I have hope now. I'll take it and run with it!

Libby, I'm up to 80 today but went up pretty quick (way too quick according to the good Dr. L). I'm going to take it more slowly from now on.

[bkyogagurl]

Moms on bac

I am hoping that some ladies still visit this post...I have been waiting for a post like this for a long time.... I too, am a mom who appears to be well put together. I have 3 children. 12, 9, 5. I'm a stay at home mom. I have my ups and downs constantly. I am on Topamax. I do pretty well when taking the maximum dose. But I recently tried going off of it cause I don't want to take pills forever... but its looks like it might be the only way for me... I used to love beer. After reading the book and getting on the Topamax program.. I totally starting hate it. I can barely drink a beer now to save my life. and Hard alcohol tastes like gasoline... my struggle is with wine. I can drink a bottle a night easy. I have been able to control my consumption to some degree. But a bottle a night... is to much. as we all are aware. Sometimes I just get so sick of trying to be perfect or something I'm not. .. I think why do I have to stop drinking? Why? I don't turn into a drunk-tard anymore. I never do anything irresponsible. Accept have more than one glass. My husband and I just recovered from a very difficult time in our relationship was the reason for me finding my way here in the first place cause that was when I was drinking extremely. I love going to my local wine shop and having a glass of wine.. I go and have just one glass, wait 1 hour then drive home. People think you are so responsible. I do that all the time no matter what... but then I go home and open a bottle of wine and drink the whole thing most of the time. I just would like to have someone to talk to once in awhile. Someone that has a few things in common. When I was on here before I really didn't find that. I met a couple nice ladies but we all had different issues and things going on in life.

thanks for reading

[konakt]

Moms on bac

Welcome bkyogagurl--

You are not alone!! I'm a stay at home mom here (3 kids, two grown, one 12, adopted) too whom no one at school, sports or otherwise would guess has an AL problem...Half the time I still don't believe it, as I had the whole June Cleaver thing in my head growing up (okay--I'm really dating myself there, let's say Claire Huxtable, no no, still in the 80's---how 'bout Nora Walker in Brothers and Sisters...that's the ticket).

Anyways, I'm only just guessing here, but that whole trying to "appear like the perfect mom" thing is, in my case what has allowed me to fly under the radar with the drinking for so long....I mean, when you're home all day alone with kids, who notices that you have a hangover...or that your breath smells like wine....or that you're slightly slurring...Sometimes during motherhood, our own needs kind of get put on the back burner while everybody else's needs take center stage...so the drinking can go unnoticed....It's like, look!~ I can still get those cupcakes to the school party...(although I have to say, recently, I have forgotten on occasion...)

It's exhausting, I agree. Putting on the big act.

I'm so glad you've joined us here...no one has to pretend anything in the mommy wars here. I feel like by the time I got here, I laid down my sword...now I need to lay down the shovel and stop digging this damn hole....

On bac at 60 today, feeling loopy and headachey, and still planning on drinking later....want to hear how everyone else is faring....

Keep chiming in here....it is so helpful. Thanks--kt

[konakt]

Moms on bac

Welcome Libmit--

Wow---another mom who adopted from China--small world!

I can completely relate to what you say about the guilt involved with this scenario...it certainly was never my intention to put this darling, innocent daughter through this. She sure doesn't deserve it, and I am hoping keeping that at the forefront of my mind will help me stick with the bac... I was not drinking back when we adopted, so it was the furthest thing from my imagination....double, triple guilt.

I have private messaged you so that we can talk further about this particular situation---god forbid we ever hear the words "I wish you'd never adopted me..."

I am so glad you've joined in the conversation...Like Redhead says, there's power in numbers....thank you. KT