Newbies Nest! for bac

[bleep]

Newbies Nest! for bac

That's for sure - the hangovers I get now if I overdo it are fearsome. But overdoing it is rare, so that's ok.

Here, that day is not so far away! If someone had told me all this a few months ago, I'd never have believed them.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Newbies Nest! for bac

Hiya, peeps!
This poor thing had to be unearthed from page 2! oy.

I'm not sure about the whole drinking vs. not drinking thing. But you know what? I AM sure it's not a deal breaker. Time enough for each of us to decide for ourselves. I'm glad I gave myself some AF time to realize I don't want it and don't miss it.

Ed and I went home (Baltimore) last weekend. He was ten days or so into indifference-induced-alcohol-abstinence. On Saturday night he met up with a very old friend who also happened to be in town. This friend is a train wreck of the first magnitude. Back in the day he made enough money dealing that he opened a restaurant with the proceeds. I know. Yikes, right? I didn't know Ed then is all I can say.
The previous scenarios ranged from coke-fueled alcohol binges (pre-Ne) to barhopping until dawn, with requisite coke-tramps in tow. (sorry. but it's true.) The friend is now barely holding it together, in the way that most of us do after a lifetime of abuse.

Anyway, he dropped me at home, ready for bed, and dropped his phone in the street, which I found when I walked the dog a few minutes later. So there we were--he, no cell, meeting up with Trouble, me going to bed. hmmmm.

I woke at 2:30am (bars close at 2) and was immediately furious, planning our divorce and his demise in that order.
He strolls up at 2:39, practically whistling, happy as a clam. (It turns out there is a new scientific study that proves that clams are NOT happy, but I digress...) He was sober-ish. Really. Turns out he had 4 beers in 4 hours. I was so angry, I couldn't stop being angry right away. He was...sorry. He explained. He was lucid and rational and cared about how I felt in that moment. Not angry in return or defensive. And not, amazingly, inexplicably, drunk. He hasn't had a drink since, and apparently hasn't wanted one.
All this came up in conversation last night because we decided to use some of the many good beers we have in the house to steam the shrimp we had for dinner. He had a sip. He said it was good. I took his word for it.

There aren't words to describe this transformation. In ten days. Tho it took him a couple of months to get to indifference.
I love our new life.

Hope it's a good day newbies!
It will be for us!
:l
Ne

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Newbies Nest! for bac

hullo? anyone? Why's it echoing in here?

[here.i.am]

Newbies Nest! for bac

What I've Learned

You're right, it is not a deal-breaker. In the very recent past, it would've been. This time getting back on the "wagon" was not difficult, it was the thing to do and I am on my way again. I do not want to go back to trying to maintain my addiction and hiding it from friends and family, now that I look back it's a wonder I was able to even function at the amount of booze I was drinking.

Day to day life is so much easier now, getting into a routine. I'm still following the doctor's schedule and will go to 130 tomorrow. I still think about al but it's with a new perspective and respect. Even if I can (hope it's soon) reach total indifference I think avoiding it all together is my best way forward from here. It will be nice to be able to participate in social settings with others drinking and me having a sparkling water or a mocktail

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Newbies Nest! for bac

here.i.am;1157438 wrote: ...
now that I look back it's a wonder I was able to even function at the amount of booze I was drinking.
...

Resounding agreement from me on that one. I simply cannot imagine it, which is kind of a shame in some ways.

Yes to the rest of your post too!

I still think about booze in that I think about it. Last night I thought, "I want a beer!" That was about it. :H I had an NA beer, and it was good, but not quite yummy. It just doesn't replace the beer, but then again, I don't know that I wanted something with alcohol in it, I just wanted something fizzy and filling and yummy, you know?

Ed stopped at the bar on his way home from work and had a beer and a shot. I was jealous. Then he got home and he didn't look quite right. It was pretty annoying talking to him, too. Not that he was drunk, he wasn't. I asked him how he felt because I was curious, and he said he felt okay. He didn't look like it was much fun, though. Which is funny. Between the look of him, and the smell of him, I was really glad I didn't meet him at the bar. And not because I care, exactly, about being AF. I DO care about feeling really good and getting stuff done.

Gotta run! I feel good and have stuff to do!

[RudyB]

Newbies Nest! for bac

heya all! ne, funny, i was thinking of unearthing this post just yesterday. glad you took that same thought and did something about it!

where's windy? fairy? all the others who haven't been here in a while? how y'all doing?

[bleep]

Newbies Nest! for bac

Good to hear HIA.

Like you, and Ne, I look back on what on what I used to put away, and function, and shake my head. I wonder if my definition of function has changed?!

And I've got agree with Ne on another point - it's very quiet in here...

[RudyB]

Newbies Nest! for bac

was it you, windy? or maybe it was lady lush who recommended 'let's take the long way home', as it deals with rowing and recovery and friendship. well, whomever it was of you awol ladies, thank you! it has proven to be just the book for me at the moment, from its writerly-ness to its addressing sobriety, to the whole incredibly deep aspect of friendship between women.

that said, hullo...???!!! how are you gals doing? inquiring hearts wish to know!

[windycitylady]

Newbies Nest! for bac

I'M BRINGING THE NEWBIE'S NEST BACK!!!!

Hey all! Sorry to have disapeared. Damn this crippling depression. I was having a very hard time for a while there, and I know this is where I should have been, but.....

Anyhow, my bac dosages were flucuating wildly for a bit, which I know is a bad idea. There were problems with money and then with shipping. This shit's expensive! I've calculated that were I to be taking 200mg/day, I'd be spending almost as much on bac as my rent. Hoping to forgoe the anxiety of counting days waiting for a package of bac, I last ordered with express shipping, and it arrived today, only 8 days later. So I now have a decent amount stockpiled and a replacement of a previously ordered package that went missing (how stupid and annoying is that) still on the way.
Interesting thing about going down suddenly on the bac. For years I've suffered from a condition (probably related to anxiety) where the muscles in my pelvic floor are constantly tense. This leads to occasional spasms much like a charley horse in my pelvic floor. Though infrequent and relatively brief (20-40 minutes), these attacks are extremely painful, to the point of being debilitating. I have a very high tolerance for pain. I've suffered the sprains, stitches, black eyes, and unfortunate run-ins with broken glass that I'm sure alot of you have. But these attacks knock me out. It used to only happen maybe twice a year, but at it's worst, it was more like twice a week. The only treaments I had read about were a "wand" insterted in an uncomfortable place to massage the muscle, or botox shots through the same uncomfortable place to freeze the muscle. No thanks. When I started the bac, I thought it might help, being a muscle relaxant and all. And it did. But when I had to drop down quickly on the bac, it came back with a vengance. Constant low level pain, and, my worst nightmare, an attack while I was at work. Bac came the next day, everything's ok now. But does this mean I'll be dependent on the bac for a reason completely different from alcoholism? Also, did some more research, and bac is now being prescribed for people with my condition. Huh.
Moving on. My dumbass decided I would quit drinking during a family reunion in northern Michigan. Out in the woods, no cell phones, no TV, no internet, with 15 members of my extended family. That could be a relaxing vacation or my worst nightmare. I was taking 125 mg/day of bac, and 1200 mg/day of neurontin. And...it went ok. I made a conscious effort to not let the anxious, depressed, neurotic me take over. My extended family is great: my dad's siblings are half in recovery, half drinkers, and everyone gets along great. Everyone's intelligent, creative, and little bit crazy. But I realized I have no idea what they think of me. They know I was once very smart, got a scholarship to a great college, dropped out, and alot of bad things happened in the ten years that followed. Family gatherings used to give me panic attacks; I felt like a failure and a loser. I have never drank around family, but did spend a significant amount of time crying in bathrooms and avoiding any conversation. They're very sweet with me now, but hesitant. I pushed myself to be social, I even went swimming in a cold-ass lake. And I didn't drink for three days. That's the longest I've gone in more than 2 years. No white-knuckling either. The fact that I was never alone and had to share a futon with my sister who's in recovery may have helped. That said, I never could have done it so easily without the bac. My emotional stability and ability to not drink are nothing short of miracles. I have been extremely depressed, to the point of suicidal (don't worry, would never really do it), and I was in the car with my sister, listening to a song I used to love but forgot about. One of the lyrics was "It's not time for me to go." I had a visceral reaction to this for some reason. Big tears just rolling down my face. The trip was full of moments like this, huge emotions catching me off-guard and socking me in the stomach. But that's how normal people live, feeling things. I did drink when we got back to my family's house, to the point of black out, and I can't remember the last time I did that (hahaha). But I'm proud of my three days. I know I can do it, if I just put some effort into it. I'm going to go up on the bac, see what happens.
Well. That should kick-start this thread! I wanna know what everyone else is up to, and how they're doing. I'm going to try to be a better and more frequent poster, and I need you guys here!
Oh, and is there still a MWO get-together planned in Chicago this fall? I would jam on that!
Hope all's well with everyone. Ruby, I'm glad you liked the book. The stuff about grief and loss is right on. Ne, thanks for motivating me. Hope to chat with you guys soon!

[bleep]

Newbies Nest! for bac

Hey Windy! Good to see you again! And that sounds pretty positive. I think?!

If you can get baclofen prescribed for your hip thing, won't that reduce your costs somewhat?

And just something to think about - wobbling your dose all over the show will play funny tricks on your mind, and probably won't help the depression.

Well done on the 3 days!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Newbies Nest! for bac

Hopelessly out of time.
So glad you're bac(k)!
Yes, we will find a way to get to Chi-ka-go.
xo

[RudyB]

Newbies Nest! for bac

windy! wiiindddyyyy!

heya woman! so great to read from you! good on you for the 3 days! sounds like a family of all families you've got there! i love that everyone knows some form of addiction, and that there are varying stages of dealing with it, yet you all get along. must be a smart lot, indeed! i loved the image of you sharing a futon w your sis, and how that might've helped you stay sober. frickin great story teller you are! you've given broad strokes of your past weeks with eloquence and style. (sorry to be corny, but it's true!) so GREAT to hear from you again! yes, please do become a more regular poster here. you've a lot to share, and you share it well!

am still reading 'let's take the long way home'. it's tough stuff, but it's written w poignance and is very engaging. sad, though. and makes me feel so glad not to be dealing w anything the likes of losing a close loved-one. (sometimes it does bring up terrifying thoughts about losing my son, which i don't enjoy one bit!) truth is, i don't often read the book. i have to be in the mood, and then i plow through it quickly, cause i do want to finish it. (and then get on to ne's dave eggers, whose most popular book i've just ordered from the library.) i don't tell you this by way of confession. i'm just sharing about one aspect of my approach to reading. speaking of alla this, how's your dad? was he there at the reunion?

sorry about the pelvic floor. hope the bac continues to help, and that you can get a script for bac, or at least part of it. sheesh louishe! i often have an inner little jump of joy when i think of the fact that i pay five bucks for a milk-sized bottle of bac. i wish i could share somma it with you! but whenever i try to refill my script even a couple of days early, my insurance denies it! wow. anyway, i'm still so incredibly fucking lucky to pay what i do for it. may you experience this kind of fortune soon.

xoxo gotta go take a nap.
xo rudy b

and all of you others, please chime in real soon, ya hear?!

[RudyB]

Newbies Nest! for bac

...oh, and have you tried 5htp for your depression? turns out, 80% ish of we on western diets with crap-fed meat are seratonin deficient. a pop of a 5htp pill each day and, voila! the results are astounding. people who were depressed forever suddenly feel joy. and i mean SUDDENLY! this supp acts as seratonin does in our brains; i think it's what the body produces first as it breaks down and uses seratonin. anyway, lemme know if you've already tried it. if not, please do!

[windycitylady]

Newbies Nest! for bac

Hey all! You came back! Yay!
I am happy about the three days AF. What it proves to me is that the bac is doing its job, now I gotta do mine. The bac cannot pry the bottle from my fingers. I have to take some responsibility. I want to not drink tonight (isn't that a funny way to phrase it? "I don't want to drink" doesn't sound right. Like "not drink" should be its own verb), and part of why I'm here is to be held accountable when I set goals for myself. So I guess I'll report back tomorrow to let you guys know what happened.
As for getting a script for bac based upon the pre-existing condition. I suppose it's possible, but since I don't have insurance, I don't expect that the meds would be any cheaper. It would also require paying to see a doctor in the first place. If I were going to see a doctor, I'd probably have this suspicious mole checked out first. (Gross, windy!)
Ruby, I haven't tried 5htp before, though I did take tryptophan for a while. I can't tell if the depression is organic or situational. I feel a lot of it is due to the fact that I am sobering up and realizing I've wasted a lot of time, and my life is in shambles. But that would be a good depression then, right? I need to be uncomfortable to be motivated.
About my dad. He's my fucking hero. Got permission from his doctor to skip a chemo treament so he can participate in a triathalon next sat. A triathalon!
Gotta run now. I've got more to say though, and will try to stop by later. Bye for now, and thanks for listening. Hope everyone's doing well!

[windycitylady]

Newbies Nest! for bac

Really quick:
Ruby, about books. My sweet boyfriend bought me "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp (woman from "Let's Take the Long Way Home") and "Autobiography of a Face" by Lucy Grealy (a book I'd mentioned by a woman who lost her jaw bones to cancer in childhood) for my birthday. Who knew he listened when I talk about books? The day before he gave them to me, I announced that's it. No more books about addiction or cancer for me. He gave them to me anyway, and I was very touched. "Autobiography" I could read, and did. It was amazing. "Drinking" is gonna have to wait until I feel emotionally ready for it. I read the fiirst couple of pages though, and it's brilliant. So spot on, I felt teary.
I know what you're saying about "Long Way Home." It definitely wasn't a book to read on the way to work. I do enough crying in public as it is, thank you very much.
I'm now reading "The Assault on Tony's" by John O'Brien, author of "Leaving Las Vegas", one of my favorites. I think a lot of people here might like it, especially the dudes. It has to do with alcoholism, but not in a tear-jerking, this is my tragic story kind of way. It's about a bunch of hard-core alcoholics barricaded in their favorite bar while an apocalyptic race riot goes on outside. So they're amassing guns and ammo, having shoot outs, all while trying to preserve their alcohol supply and stay just drunk enough to function. What an awesome idea! It's also the book O'Brien was finishing when he comitted suicide. Interesting.
Well, that's that. Take care, all!