Newbies Nest! for bac

[windycitylady]

Newbies Nest! for bac

Aw, you guys are so sweet. I never meant to have this turn into the"let's help selfish windy" thread, though your guy's help has been invaluable. I am going to start posting on everyone else's threads that I do lurk on, especially yours, ruby and bottlestopper. I have tons of stuff to say, but am currently being hit with some pretty wicked nausea on my train ride to work. I'm definitely gonna post after work tonight though. Thank you soooo much guys from the bottom of my heart. Bottlestopper, I'll enter into that pact with you, and I won't give up. As long as you don't! I think we have been going through a lot of the same stuff. Goodbye for now. Thanks again!

[windycitylady]

Newbies Nest! for bac

Hey all. I'm really having a hard time. Man, I really don't know where to start.
I've been feeling very disillusioned with the bac. I don't know how to explain it, it feels like I've been tricked somehow.
As I type this, the movement of the cursor is making me nauseous. The flashing of the icons is making me nauseous. I can smell every person in this shitty internet cafe, and it's making me nauseous. Turning my head to glance at the clock makes me dizzy. And nauseous. At work yesterday, I slammed into a wall, breaking a coffee cup. I cut my hand picking up the broken pieces, and cracked my head on a shelf standing up to asess my hand. My boss saw me straight up walk into a wall as well. I know he saw because he muttered "Motherfucker" under his breath. I'm constantly vomitting. I try to plan it for when I don't have any medications or supplements in my stomach, but it doesn't always work out that way. I also always try to do it at home, but that doesn't always happen either. I just feel this constant, oppressive weight on me. Something pushing down on my limbs, something putting pressure inside my skull. The desire to just stay still, but the dizziness then setting in worse, like bed spins from drinking. Speaking, or communication of any kind, is difficult. It's easier to be silent. To not talk, not make phone calls, emails, or post here. Even now, I don't feel like I'm making my point coherently at all.
I know others have had or are having worse side effects. I am not a complainer usually. I knew that this was not going to be an easy journey when I began it. But it's becoming hard to imagine going up any further. I know what others have said, going up may change or eliminate some of the side effects. But every time I have gone up, the side effects have only gotten worse. The highest I've gone is 200 mg, and I couldn't function. I blamed myself, thinking that if I would just stop drinking, I wouldn't feel so sick all the time.
This is what's really scaring me. I can't stop drinking. I have kept the amount relatively low for me, but trying to cut down further brought on a borderline panic attack. A primal fear. Racing heart, shaking, sweaty hands, and an urgent need to run out and buy a half pint of vodka. I drank four of the six beers I had bought and felt proud. I meant only to take a couple sips of vodka last night, maybe trick my brain. I realized after a couple more sips that it was the best I'd felt all day. No dizziness, less nausea, and I was excited to talk! Words were flowing from me and making sense! I knew with each swallow I was going to make myself sicker later, but I couldn't help it. Shit, that's why we're all here in the first place, right?
And sick I was, and continue to be. And still I know I will drink tonight. How can I possibly go up further under these circumstances?
God, I sound whiney. That's not what I wanted.
I said "tricked" earlier. That's not quite right. But I've realized I thought bac was gonna save me. It's been years since I've really tried to do anything about my drinking. Before that, I'd been in too many treatment centers to count. The best treatment centers, mediocre treatment centers, and terrible free detox centers that the homeless favor in winter. Expensive halfway houses, ghetto halfway houses. Jail, hospitals. Once I drank myself into a coma. My family was told I have might not regain consicouness. I did. So many AA meetings. Meetings in Minnesota, meetings in Texas, meetings in Michigan, meetings in Illinois. Lots of medications, Antabuse, Naltrexone, antipsychotics.
Anyhow...I'm not saying I'm more sick or less sick than anyone here. It's just that...I tried. I did try. And nothing helped.
Now, my family is proud that I have a good job, I make decent money. I have a bank account with an honest to god debit card. I have a nice phone and an email address. I shower every day. I call them now and even visit. That's enough for them.
l want more, and I thought I found the answer in bac. Lately, I"ve been hearing AA phrases in my head when I think about MWO and bac. "Half measures availed us nothing." "If you want what we have, and are willing to go to any lengths to get it..." I don't want bac to become another AA for me, another thing I put my heart and soul into, just to end up feeling weaker and more helpless than ever.
"The Switch" has started to seem mythological to me. As likely as me having "spiritual experience" where my "higher power" sweeps in for me to surrender my will.

Well.
All that said, I'm sticking with the bac for now. Gonna stay at 175 mg again today, maybe shoot for 200 tomorrow as I have the next two days off of work. And I will continue to try to cut back on the drinking. But, for the record, I feel like shit. Emotionally and physically.

Didn't mean to whine, or go too much into my past. Thanks for listening. I swear that once I feel a little better, I will stop being such a selfish shit.

[bottlestopper]

Newbies Nest! for bac

Oh windy my heart goes out to you it really does. As you know I have also been suffering from terrible se's and I can relate to exactly how you feel. I know in my heart that bac will work but at times it is such a tough road especially when you have to ho back down knowing you will have to go back up again and worrying if the se's will be the same again. That is my fear at the moment too. I don't know but maybe if we both ho up really really slowly say 10 a week then we could get there with min se's, but yet again I don't know and that is the problem there isn't a hard and fast rule everyone is different. However we made a pact girlfriend and a pact is a pact. We are not giving up. If we have to ho very slowly and it takes us 12 months but gives us an extra 20 years if life it has to be worth it. Hare and the tortoise. At first I wanted to be a hare, now I realise that to make the journey easier and ensure we reach our goal that maybe we need to be the tortoise.

I too have felt that I have been a whinger and selfish, but let's face if that is what s forum like this is all about and hopefully one day we will be able to help others who are duffering similar things.

Remember our promise, we will do this together, hold each others hand. We can and will do it.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Newbies Nest! for bac

Hi, Ladies.
I'm sure you're sick of hearing from me. I'm sick of hearing from me!

I really, really wish that I hadn't erased the first half of my thread. In a moment of paranoia and anxiety, as though it would make a difference. (And it's so egocentric to think it would make a difference to you, too. But, sigh, whatever.)

It was a living hell for me. I know I've said that. It was. Plain and simple. I'd been up and down, taken it this way and that. I exercised, a lot and in moderation. I ate right, for the most part. I worked when I had to. Some days I just couldn't, especially in the beginning. I took supps and stopped when I thought they were doing more harm than good.

At the very end I sent both Dr. L, and OA, a desperate email. I was taking 260mg/280mg. I was in pretty regular contact with both men. I'd been on HDB for 3 months, longer than anyone else without reaching indifference (except beatle :H, sorry beatle. :l)

I heard from Dr. L late that night. He said that if I needed to give up, that he was sorry, but that I should go down slowly. He said that he was sure I was in good hands if OA was helping me. I never heard from OA, though I've heard from him several times since.

I was crushed. Desperate. I cannot explain to you my despair. Dr. L pretty much implied that it was not to be mine. I shared some of it on the forum. (Not all of it, mind you, just some. I was the resident whiner and hated myself for that and so much else.) People kept encouraging me to Just. Stop. Drinking. And I couldn't. It still makes me really, really upset to think about, honestly. All these indifferent people (I felt like) were saying, "Just quit! It's all in your head!"

I kept drinking, knowing it was punishing me. I knew it wasn't in my head. There was nothing wrong with my head, ever.

Lo0p posted that I should just take more. A lot more. And I did. And the next week I was indifferent to alcohol.

That's my story. I'm sticking to it. I don't promote it anymore, because it was so hellish. The cost, at the time, seemed tremendous. Now I think of the cost as cheap. I would pay several times over what it cost me then, to have the life that I have now.

That's the promise, WCL. The gift.

If one needs to manage life, and cannot take another minute, there is another option. The other option is low dose bac as a maintenance. Coupled with will power and eyes on the goal, it is likely effective to reach sobriety that way.

If that's not what you want (and frankly, it's probably the wiser choice to do it that way) then marshall your resources. This ain't no place for pollyanna bull shit. It's war. Get yourself some xanax if you don't have it. Manage your mind. Control your body. It owes you and will thank you. Eventually. Treat yourself and your life as though you have the flu, and function at that level.

One more thing. At the end, when I went up to 340mg in a couple of days (I can't remember now) I was not suffering. I couldn't count to 17 and portion out my pills in regular increments (bleep helped me with that. And my husband, though he was appalled) by the end of the day. But I wasn't suffering anymore.

oops. One final, final thing. I just didn't drink one night. I decided not to stop by the 7-11 for any beer on the way home from work. (yes, I was still functioning, still working, still effectively hiding from the world all that was going on in my mind and body) And I didn't drink that Friday night, effortlessly. Ditto Saturday. I just didn't feel like it! :H JOY!

Whatever you decide, whichever way you go, all is not lost. The war is won over the course of many battles. Don't let this one think it's got you. There are other ways to skin a beastie. Lots and lots of 'em and you have a very powerful tool.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Newbies Nest! for bac

Many, many hugs to you both.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Newbies Nest! for bac

bottlestopper;1170173 wrote: Hi windy

I too am finding that after 3 weeks AF, I had a couple of drinks and then last night it turned into a couple of bottles. I think that the bac works much better if you are AF, but also I think I felt I needed to test it and to push it almost (dont know if that makes sense)

I am trying not to beat myself up over it, but just trying to curb my consumption as I go up, but now realise that it is going to be a longer process than I hoped as I had some quite bad Se's that made me go back down a bit and maybe this is why i have got the increased cravings again. I will go back up, but much more slowly.

Bottom line is, as long as we are continuing the fight and not giving up, then surely we are heading in the right direction. Dont give up. I wont, if you wont

Have a drink, don't have a drink. The bottom line is the bottom line. IMHO.

[RudyB]

Newbies Nest! for bac

hey gals!

so sorry to hear about the nausea and misery, windy! jeez! so sorry. and stop apologizing. please. you're allowed to vent and whine and woe is me. where else would you be safe and effective in letting it all out?! and you need to do just that. this is tough stuff! yo'ure brave and strong and it's smart to commit even though it's so tough. i commend you.

i've never had nausea from bac, not that i can remember, though i know others have. i hope they'll chime in and share solutions or at least compassion. you've got heaps of love from me, and well-wishes. if you have to come back a hundred times and complain and let your guts show, please do. you'll have loving eyes and arms to receive them. i'm envisioning you getting/feeling better real soon, on all levels.

lots of love to you and to bottlestopper and strength to your pact.

rudy

[windycitylady]

Newbies Nest! for bac

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!
Sorry I haven't been able to post until now, technical difficulties.
Bottlestopper, I'm definitely in this with you! Where are your drinking and dosages? How are the side effects treating you?
Ruby, as always, you're such a sweetie. Hope all's well in Rubyland! I say that you buy a pack of smokes explictly for your little guy to smash!
Ne, your words inspire and motivate me! I always wondered why your thread seemed to start so abruptly. Guess I'm not the only one who suffers from attacks of self-consciousness! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I've eliminated my "morning aminos" (GABA, taurine, and l glutamine) to see if it helps with the nausea. My multis, my gabapentin, and my milk thistle I can't go without, at least not right now. I did spend a billion years downloading epocrates onto my phone. Poor little phone had to reboot twice! I didn't learn much more about possible interactions (it says I shouldn't be taking the gabapentin because of increased CNS depressive symptoms, but I take that not as an anti-craving drug, as some do. It's a life-saving antidepressant and antianxiety med for me.), but now I do have all these weird doctor programs available to me. Need to figure out what that random pill is? Check. Need to calculate your body's surface area? Check. Need to diagnose pneumonia complicated by SARS? Check.
I would love some xanax, I think it would really help. And I trust myself enough these days to have it and not snort it all. Don't know how I'd get it though. Cousin's a nurse, but she's in Europe until the 9th.
Yesterday I was feeling much better mood wise and side effect wise, and actually had a pretty nice day. Also, went up to 200 mg. However today's not gonna be the go up on bac fest that I'd planned on. Got a call from work yesterday that went pretty much like this:
Me: Hello?
Boss: (Garbled conversation)
Me: Hello?
Boss: WINDY!
Me: YES!
Boss: You work tomorrow!
Me: Ummm...ok.
Boss: DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
Me: YES!
Click.
That says to me something has changed drastically at work, and I have no idea what I'm in for today. But I'm not gonna get anxious about it. Whatever happens, happens. And I am dealing with some pretty wicked nausea right now, might lose my morning tea to the kitchen sink. But I'm gonna roll with the punches. Cause "this ain't some pollyanna bullshit, this is war." (Thanks again, ne.)

[SlipperyPete]

Newbies Nest! for bac

windycitylady;1171736 wrote:
And I am dealing with some pretty wicked nausea right now

Windy you didn't grow up in Boston, by chance, did you?

[windycitylady]

Newbies Nest! for bac

Hahahaa, pete, no, I didn't. I have picked up some weird speech patterns over the years, usually from boyfriends. Maybe that one I picked up from my New Zealander, or perhaps the communist in Ann Arbor. Definitely not the Mexican.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Newbies Nest! for bac

windycitylady;1171801 wrote: Hahahaa, pete, no, I didn't. I have picked up some weird speech patterns over the years, usually from boyfriends. Maybe that one I picked up from my New Zealander, or perhaps the communist in Ann Arbor. Definitely not the Mexican.

Being multicultural is so important, isn't it?

No time. just wanted to say and you're welcome, and you and bottlestopper are an inspiration. Lots of other stuff but gotta go!

:l and :H just because
Ne

[windycitylady]

Newbies Nest! for bac

Thanks, ne! And, no, being multicultural had nothing to do with it. A guy just had to be a little crazy and tolerate my drinking.
Well, day 3 on 200 mg is drawing to a close. Started off the day with some healthy (!?) vomitting, losing only tea and water. I was able to keep it under control for the rest of the day. Dealing with the nausea has become easier since I've been channeling my inner high school anorexic. Once you stop viewing hunger or nausea as a need (to eat or to vomit), and just as a pain to be tolerated, it gets easier. I'm trying not to worry too much about my al consumption, heeding the advice of people here. Work continues to be slow, and I'm using this as an opportunity to titrate up. Things should pick back up at work next thursday, but I'm not going to worry now about what will happen then. Hope all's well with you all!
Bottlestopper, everything ok?

[SlipperyPete]

Newbies Nest! for bac

windycitylady;1172261 wrote: A guy just had to be a little crazy and tolerate my drinking.
windycitylady;1171801 wrote: perhaps the communist in Ann Arbor.

I suppose a Russian commie who loves his vodka fits the bill quite nicely

And despite what Kate Moss will tell you, food is your friend.

[windycitylady]

Newbies Nest! for bac

A note on books: I finished John O'Brien's "Assault on Tony's" (novel about hardcore alcoholics barricaded in a bar during apocalyptic riots), and....it seriously disturbed me. Like, really disturbed me. And I'm a person who seeks out disturbing books. Case in point: moved on to the always soothing and comforting "The Stranger Beside Me" by Ann Rule. An old favorite of mine, it tells the story of a struggling true crime author who befriends at fellow volunteer at a crisis hotline. He's charming, handsome, and great with people on the hotline. She lands a contract to write a book on a group of missing young women in the Washington area. Then she finds out the main suspect is...Ted Bundy! Her good friend from the crisis hotline! It's great stuff. I'm just getting to my favorite part, the sorority house massacre after he escapes for the second time. Fascinating stuff, all true, definitely trashy.

[windycitylady]

Newbies Nest! for bac

Pete, just saw your post. I'm over that shit now. Though with all this vomitting going on, my sick ass did think, well maybe I'll be skinny and sober!