just got my own bac!

[bleep]

just got my own bac!

i was about to suggest going up, by 20 if need be, when I saw you had already thought of it. give it a go, if it's horrible you can reduce again back to 190. you may find the 190 much more bearable when you come back down to it, rather than having gone up to it.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

love the input!

[taw]

just got my own bac!

Hope this is it for you Rudy!!! Fingers and piggies crossed here too!!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

i love this circadian rhythm (mom, are you there?! or is it cicadian, like the bugs?). i'm at my scheduled 2:30 writing time, without the guilt of my son on video games. i give myself no more than one hour, and, like ne has said, then i'll just close down the computer and put myself into bed.

soon i'll be doing this midnight ramble without the cigs.

my nana would be so proud, i even have cloth napkins folded on the table for breakfast, which we'll be eating together without netflix. instead, my son and i will be having meaningful conversation that i'll take notes on years later so i can weep with joy over the beauty of my history. (corniness unintentional, but i won't apologize for it. it is heartfelt.)

i never did that when i was drinking. or when i had to leave the house before 7 am to get to work on time. maybe now i will in the fall...

you know, i really do wish that the quotes and avatars wouldn't be retroactive; could someone please do something about that?! what we use is reflective of how we feel at a given time in our journies. they express what reflects particular stages, not everything before. one of you new techies, please... (i bet you could figure out how to contact admin for this one.)

the kitched cupboards are clean. i bought special non-toxic spray from soap.com and have been using it with much zoom zoom (see, ne, you're being channeled everywhere!). you know, this and many other household activities are examples of what you can accomplish when not drunk. for years i thought that i couldn't do it, that things were just too out of control to tackle. and they were, when drinking or when i had an infant i was raising almost on my own. in this example, i also just assumed that the cupboards were uncleanable because hubby did such a bad job on them. oh wait, i painted the cupboards. oh wait, but he bought the paint! (as you know, hubby was basically useless. except he did do one thing right: he installed a fan to move the air around this old house. it was meant to move heat from the wood stove, but it's also good for moving cigarette smoke out of the dining room, where i now sit. ohhh, he would be horrified if he knew that i was smoking in the house! my god, our son is sleeping upstairs on the other side of this house, with only a dozen walls in between my toxic bi-product and him.)

the fabled pantry remains intact; you can still see the white of the shelves. the coat closet is usable. the laundry pile is shrinking, and the clean laundry is disappearing from the extra bed. the winter clothes going into bins. (wow, ne, my life is certainly in step with yours, if a measure behind. look, we're doing a harmony, like row row row your boat in summer camp.)

this life is suddenly a glorious summer camp symphony. and tomorrow, i shall row a boat. that is, if it doesn't thunder and lightening. god, pray for that, please. i really want to zzzzzzzzzzzoooooooooooom along the creek. either way, i have a date w my new dr friend whose husband is from bolivia. now i'll have someone live whose brain i can pick about spanish idiomatic expresssions.

i'm drinking ginger tea not beer, and eating a cut-up, brown-in-places apple with a toothpick that i could find because it has its own special cup in a drawer. the cup and picks were there before, i just couldn't find them because they were buried under other randomly-placed stuff. on our way to work on friday, my son ate a mouth-wide circle around the top of this apple, leaving that part brown three days later. that's why i cut it up and need toothpicks to eat it.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

...speaking of, if any of you readers out there need a toothpick, i can fetch one in under three seconds. here might come another long report; you've been warned so there will be no apologies.

you know, those previous few paragraphs were great practice for the dash key. it's really not hard, i just need the discipline to anchor my pointer on the j key, and trust that that other finger will find the dash. once i've gotten better at this, i shall add in another key until, lo and behold, watch me use the shift key and make capitals! (tho that would feel sacreligious to do here. or maybe it would be the ultimate tangible example of my growth. the uber-metaphorical representation of my unfolding inner glory.)

and i can even master the spelling of 'and' and 'the' along the while. those two most basic simple and frequent words are ones that i constantly mistype. yet another example of how i'll crack the crud and let my inner light shine.

by the way, i get an extra half hour, cause that's how long it took to get my son back to sleep. it's so nice to be able to do that, not to have to rustle myself from a drunken stupor so that i can tend to him. to know that i'm doing it without subjecting him to the vapor-like alcoholic breath that i used to have more often than i'll ever feel happy to reccolect.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

i'm cutting up my posts cause i don't trust my computer. tomorrow a friend is coming over to spruce things on my tech deck. (skateboard reference. i'm learning a lot from my four-and-a-half year old.)

see, i've gone and practiced that dash again. and the paragraph thingy, for which i didn't peek. mavis beacon has it right when she tells to cover the keyboard when you learn to type. (and the yogis have it right when they say 'breathe'. air sure is better than chemical-laden tobacco exhaust.)

staying in that typing class sure would've been useful. mom, for all her fancy secretarial school, should've put her foot down on that one. (since you're probably reading this, mom, i'll add that i'm not mad at you about it, it is just now occurring to me that that was one way putting your foot down that might've been helpful. in the grand scheme, this is not a major parenting misstep.) (oops, i've been peeking on the paragraphs.) (there, i just did again.) (there, i didn't.)

today i weeded the driveway in my bra. and uncovered many wild raspberries. who needs asphalt driveways?! (oh i swear to god i'm gonna take a typing class at the local community college! it will help me so much! i am so gonna write much faster after that! and i'll keep lots of toothpicks immediately accessible. the drawers will remain totally spiffy.

i also weeded the front area, where i used to drink and smoke on the patio. i uncovered echinacea i forgot about, shasta daisies, and sage and fennel, and i made room for the lavender that i need to put in before it gets all leggy and anemic. i cleared away all those cigarette butts - and there were a lot!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

ok, how the fuck do you undo?! i just hit ctrl esc and erased my last post, a few paras in! fuckkkkk! now i'm starting over on an unwanted clean page.

well, guess i'll condense my ramblings and force myself into bed. and i'll still wait for that cigarette (still havn't had a second) until i comb back thru these posts.

i was saying that cigs are a way of stuffing shit in, like i've been stuffing it in my house haphazardly. it's a conditioned response to uncomfy feelings, however fleeting, in the same way that drinking was a habitual coping mechanism for the quiet distress within. (a recent favorite song: comfortably numb, pink floyd. i blast it in my car, and only turn it down a little when i pull into parking lots or stop signs.) not numb anymore, and look what happens!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

i trust my computer more than my typing.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

i mulched the area around the newfound flowers and herbs. i put away some laundry and shaved my legs. i played maths games w my son for an hour (putting off the former two chores, knowing that time well-spent w him would mean so much more).

typing in the dark forces you not to peek at the keys, but i'm using the light right now.

i think about how much i enjoy, for example, baclotim's tomes, and i realize that there might be people out there who actually read as fast as i do, and enjoy it as much. i'm oft hard-pressed to think of something i'd rather read than mwo, so i'll continue doing my community service here, free of hinted-at apologies.

i saw red reed-like sticks as i fell asleep before. speaking of, i otta go try for some of those groovy hallucinations...

but first, a smoke (maybe just half-a-one) and a quick edit, with thesaurus. i'm gonna just go all out here, folks. this is so much fun for me. way better than sluggin stuff to make me dim and dumb.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

ergh! the birds are waking up, 4:29, right on time. well, i'll nap tomorrow. that's what laptops in bed are for: sons letting you sleep.

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

Rudy Ru

Wow, so much...errr...stuff to read and comment on, but there's just one thing sticking in my mind: You weeded your drive in your bra.

I'm sorry, but that's all I can think about now.

Oh yes and your mum reads this?!??!?!??!?!? Holy pooparama, so she read about the bukake experiment or did you edit that bit out? :H

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

LOL.

Wow, RubyD. So much. I'll pick one that's relatively relevant to moi.

The smoking thing. I'm having this really weird experience of thinking about all the little cells in my body, how hard they work, what they did to keep me healthy when I was punishing myself with all that poison.
This is not related to bac, exactly, but more to the experience of getting sober because the right chemical balance was created in my brain.
It's also because that is what I've been studying for my bio 101 exam, which I take in 4 hours and 11 minutes. (OMG! but I'm ready.) That is to say, cells! Wow! Do you know what your cells are doing at this minute? Mine, among other things, are clearing out the toxins I put in them when I take a drag of this cigarette.
Know what else they're doing? They're opening up all of these little receptors REALLY WIDE in order to let all that nasty nicotine in.
(dammit. i forgot. forgive.)
so. all of this, the bac, the bio, the fact that i can't breath very well and am really phlegmy and disgusting in the morning... the epiphanies/revelations i've had about addictions in general... i think i'd like to actually, really quit.
i was a bit nervous, going bac to some of the stuff i'd learned in the other program, thinking to focus on one thing and one thing only. (which is good advice, i think, when it's life or death, right?) but... this is life or death too, it just doesn't fuck me up in the present moment. sort of.)
keep it up sister, you're blazing a trail.
you are also inspiring me (maybe)--and RedH too--to do something about the garden i've cared for for 2 years, looking forward to year #3 when it all comes together. that's the rule, did you know that? but this year, well, bac and life took precedence. i wonder what i can plant in june that won't die in july? portulaca maybe.

cheers, sister. glad you don't have to go to work today. hope you and sweet-boy got some sleep.
xo

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

HI, RubyD's MOM! YOU ROCK, too.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

murph what is bukake? remember i tell her everything.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

ne what is portulaca?