just got my own bac!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

post number 437 should explain it, i think, ne. if not, tell me and i'll try to elaborate, though i'm moving on already, feeling better. eveining is here, clothes to fold, things to do that i enjoy. son is w dad for a sec. i can write. that always makes me feel better. like i said about post 437, i felt uplifted after writing it.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

it's a lot, i think, that i don't have that happy high to look fwd to that i used to find in booze. and chores only cut it so far. so maybe the shop at teh food store will do the trick. doubt it. some mulching? maybe. a good night's sleep? probably.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

smoke after smoke is def not doing the trick.

i think murph may have a point.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

or maybe i just need to go out, do some community service, apologize to some of those vast numbers of people i may have wronged. yeah, right!

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

Rude, what happened to your local snus supplier (Bro in law?).

Ne, you do sigh an awful lot lately when you read my posts

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

i just took another one of those dear pills. maybe that'll get me high. (just had a flash of wishing for ale and for a sec thought that was the ticket. that passed. i know bubbly bitter alcohol stuff is not what i want to do. not even remotely.)

so ill chase the horse by lighting another stogie. knowing it won't work either.

i think there's a lot to be said for how much better i feel after writing. all of the psychics and most of the shrinks i've ever seen have told me that this is something that i NEED to do. there's a book in me, for sure. or not. i dunno. feels like it, though, and writing has been a passion of mine since i knew how to do it. always loved those words! which is a huge part of the appeal spanish holds for me. at least with that i'm using yet another part of my mind (and i get to be a different persona in a way, too), and so all of this intellecutal energy buzzing in my head gets engaged further and more deeply into who i am as a whole, living being.

cigarette's not helping, it's just getting in the way. and now my 'p' key is malfunctioning.

meanwhile, i have this place, you guys, to hear me out. and help me figure it out. and sex must be on the horizon.

keep the faith, rudy dear. on all fronts.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

bro in law up friday. will bring tons then. he didn't think of it last week. the fuck.

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

Rudey get gardening and think of the harvest that awaits. It's not instant gratification, but you need to change from that kinda thinking. Good things are worth waiting for and working towards.

I harvested all me spuds today. Too early for the maincrop varieties but the drought is just going to bugger them with blight if I don't get them out now and I don't believe in using hoses for such things. So now I've got a gazillion spuds and I can't eat them all 'cos of me diet. Send me a stamped addressed envelope and bung some in the post for ya.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

well, murph, the fact is, in spite of appearances, i am out of the instant grat phase, at least w the most important thing, the formerly most enticing booze. i am getting much gratification from life;s little pleasures, and i guess i'm not making myself clear on that, but that's what i've been trying to say. i am doing all the things that i constantly list as a way of addressing that, and they are mostly working, but i have my moments here and there when they don't.

for example, i just went to the grocery w g and we had much fun, took our time, and picked out lots of food so i don't have to go there for a long time. i mulched almost all of the rest of the garden, which is huge because IT is huge! i constantly think about the bounty i am creating. and i constantly marvel at how rewarding are these things that i do.

in the grocery, we walked past the beer part several times cause that's how we shop. several times i imagined buying some just for old times sake, gulping that delicious beverage which i know would still taste good to me. but i was NOT EVEN TEMPTED, not once. that, too, is huge. and it brings heaps of instant gratification.

on a lighter note, we passed the tea section (my current preferred beverage), and g said hey mommy, this is the one that you need, and he handed me a box of PMS tea! chuckle and spit with laughter.

good about your potatoes, but their eyes would be sprouting by the time they got here. my own eyes are already sprouting enough nonsense as it is, so i don't need any extra. thanks anyway.

and thanks for your well-intended pep talk. i know you're trying to be helpful, but, frankly, you're not. so bugger off.

i love you just the same.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

hmmm. sounds to me like someone needs a good ol' fashioned snarky bitch fest. i love those, so maybe i'm projecting?

you can only be so lalalalala until it becomes downright lalalalablablahblahblaaahohfuckthisineedadrink. and you don't drink anymore apparently. and it wouldn't be right or kind or anything to get all snarky and bitchy up in here. apparently only murphy can do that. (kidding for real, actually.) do you have a good gay boyfriend* you can call? mine is excellent at that kind of thing, but he's shy so i can't lend him out.
if i'm wrong, sorry. again. I may Need a Good One. i started one yesterday but it fizzled, because nothing went right yesterday. the recipient was a man. he was remarkably reasonable. no. i'm not sighing at you. or murphy.
nice break, thanks. bac to the books. peace out. :-/

*no. i was not even thinking about your confused male friend. sorry if that rubs. but it's funny, too. also sorry if my laughter is annoying you. you can get all bitchy/snarky at me if you want. lol

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

ftr, i'm sorried out. so watch out world. sorry.
(has anyone seen that SNL episode? not so funny until just now. sorry.)

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

well, ok, i have one last sorry in me and then i'm outtie.

murph, like a good englishwoman (ha!), i apologize if i was rude. i guess these days i don't take being misunderstood very well, espeically when i feel i've put out so many words trying to express EXACTLY how i feel, and come to find i've failed miserably. and especially when i feel overly-dependent on you all to understand me, in part to help me better understand meself.

i have moments of chasing the high, but they are fleeting. let's just say it was a crummy day inside rudy's noggin. but i got through it without a drink. i was frustrated that drinking would no longer 'help'.

i need other kinds of help besides mwo and gratified chores and, ok, soul-enriching gardening and time w g. i need to row more (thankfully, i'll be doing that tomorrow). i need more time for me. and i'll be getting that. taking active steps today and tomorrow to that end. and we all know what other kinds of things i need.

so thank you for caring and sharing. i'm off to write a note to ex hub in pursuit of more parenting support. wish me luck.

zzzz r b

oh, and all of you folks w whom i can't wait to catch up, as you can see i'm a bit self-absorbed at the mo. but i'll be back around to check in w you soon. feel free to check in here. i promise i won't bite your head off. and, for the record, i am NOT PMSing.

[redhead77]

just got my own bac!

Miss Rudy,

I haven't yet congratulated you on finding indifference. CONGRATULATIONS! I hope tomorrow finds you in better spirits. It is hard to go from using a substance to soften the edges nearly everyday, to really feeling life. The awe and wonder of it. Here is the song that makes me think of you. I'm off to hit the sack myself. We went to what I call the pool, but it's really a water park.

http://youtu.be/FRYFj6CwdxQ[/video]]YouTube - ‪Tom Petty - Wildflowers - Lyrics‬‏

[LadyLush]

just got my own bac!

Rudy,

Me too! Congratulations are in order! Yippee!!!!!:thumbs::kudos:


LL

[bleep]

just got my own bac!

i also struggled quite a bit when i reached indifference. suddenly i had no outlet, no way to properly end off a day. just going to bed felt wrong. i also went into a funk. i tried getting pissed a couple of times, but having lost it's allure, it also lost its escapism feature. it didn't do for me what it used to, and gave a fearful fucking hangover instead.

i played around with my baclofen dosage a bit, trying to get high off that, but that's just a stupid thing to do, and it doesn't really work anyway.

i never really found a solution, and one day i realised i'd stopped trying. it's just a period you have to go through, i think. a bit of mental adjustment. as such, i have no useful advice you whatsoever. is there anything else you'd like to know?

and murph, if you don't believe a hosepipe should be used for watering stuff in the garden, what do you use them for?