just got my own bac!

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

Did you nearly drown? Did one of the beginners smack you in the head with an oar? Did a lust-crazed swan get confused and try to shag you?

I hope your Intuitive Massage Therapist massages some of that negativity out of you and leaves you in a more positive frame of mind; able to concentrate on all the positives in your life, of which there are now gazillions. I hope she gives you a happy ending.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

oh, my dear murphy, with all that i've just said, that's the best you can do?! (but thanks for checkin in just the same.)

but, to answer your very poignant questions, no a swan did not bother me. the boat was topsy-turvy but did not capsize. and i really do think this massage will point me in a more positive direction. i'd think it was just me, but with all the people around me saying that they are having similar experiences, i know it's not. nevertheless, i am going to do whatever i can for myself to clear my chi and get my positive vibrations flowing strong, so that my forcefield will boot back up and these negatives will more quickly become shards and the pile at my feet will be smaller and smaller every day.

today i am going to look into local qi gung classes. i think its slow movement and meditative nature will help me on all fronts: it will help get me grounded, peaceful, strong, and it will help clear my energy to attract good things.

i really think 'healing without freud or prozac' would be a good read for you, murhp. it is full of all kinds of science to back up these alternative therapies that we talk about. the chapter i am on is about acupuncture, and it is fascinating, and very convincing of its efficacy in helping people heal and get over pain. (did you know that it can be used instead of anaesthesia, including for major surgeries?) even for an american, you are soooo western!

today i may not be getting that car. they guy has to work so mightn't be able to meet me in time to get to the dmv. alas, but, maybe it's for the best in some way that i cannot see. and i WILL get that car. maybe tomorrow, but i'd have to sneak the hour and a half north w the registration from my current car taped on the windshield, as dmv will be closed. pretty scary in light of recent events, but not much more scary than contending w my current car for a few more days. thoughts?

the rowing yesterday was partly so very frustrating cause one guy, a seriously-beginner, was very fit and kept muscling his way through the stroke. it was sending the boat tipping this way and that. very fucking annoying. the coxin (the leader) kept telling him to ease off, but he couldn't. men tend to be harder to teach; they want to force their way through everything, and they don't take direction very well. sound about right? it has been my experience in everything physical that i have done. fuckin chill out, dudes!

to end on a positive, though i did have to change my bedclothes last night, i did not have that bone-cold experience, and i did not have any night- or wake-mares. (though i did wake w a start when it occurred to me that maybe i did accidentally go on line while giving a state test and they with their savvy technology found out and i could lose my license and be out a job for good. -guess that was a wakemare afterall.) but it was a very cool night and i slept w my down puff, and it's a perfectly cool morning, a good omen for the day.

[bleep]

just got my own bac!

despite all the positives, i think you just called murph an american, so i'm pretty sure he's about to unleash on you. and qi gung classes? theodore will be proud of you!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

2 notes to self and others:

never take 40 mg of bac at once. causes hallucinations. i woke from a nap to find a strange, very white man in my bed next to me. and a spare arm. the man was my duvet. the arm was mine.

never go an hour into nowhere to buy a car you've only seen one picture of. it will probably be junk. it was.

[Bruunhilde]

just got my own bac!

Wow, that's mind altering, and body altering potentially too. Is the arm still attached? So sorry about the heap. Something better will come up.

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

bleep;1147586 wrote: despite all the positives, i think you just called murph an american, so i'm pretty sure he's about to unleash on you. and qi gung classes? theodore will be proud of you!

I'm in shock. I just don't know what to say.

[Doggygirl]

just got my own bac!

That hallucination sounds freaky RudyB. You OK?

DG

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

murph, now you know how it feels to be called an american!

hey, dg, you are so sweet! i've gotten used to the hallucinations, believe me! my mind always catches up with my eyes. i am fine, though it took me some time to get over that nap! and i'll never wake up with a stranger in my bed. never have, never will. give thanks for that!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

bruun, took me a sec to reconnect the arm. it was especially hard to do that, given that the arm was brown! i'm never this tan.

and the heap, well, i told the guy it was very uncool for him to pretend the car was in better shape than it was. i wanted to give him a medal for apologizing. not a lot of men can do that. i wanted to tell him i was sorry for him for living in such a shit hole. but i didn't.

i've got a not-heap to buy down in rockland county (he posted several pictures, so i say that with confidence), and a friend who knows the roads to take me there on tuesday. and i'm keeping the loaner car for a few more days. boy is it NICE!

thanks so much for caring. you're cool.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

i am so happy to be chugging lemon water, and to have just had a lovely conversation with my mother without a lick of slur in my voice.

today, on my ride to eastern timbuktu to not buy a car, i had company. a friend and his girlfriend came with me, expecting to drive one of the cars home. she is a stunningly gloomy gal, whose energy is a vortex of negative vibes. he is brought right down with her; whenver they are together, the spark that frequents his speech and his eyes is completely dim. i went into the situation knowing what i might be up against, so i put on my happy face and was sincerely at my most charming self, ready to rise to the occasion. my lighthearted attempts at easy connection were met with grumbles and grunts. 'whatcha finding for work lately?' moments later, i almost asked 'did you tell me and i didn't listen, err, what did you say about that?' to immediately realize that she had probably just made some inaudible primal sound like a grumpy walrus. and then, to both of them, 'whatcha doing for fun these days?' silence and a cool stare out the window, with pout. so i flipped through the stations. eventually settled on an npr (talk) show. not long thereafter, they were, i kid you not, writing notes to each other on his blackberry. this was after i had gone back to music, which is not a crime to interrupt. i almost said, 'hey, i can plug my ears, you steer, and then you two can chat.' but something stopped me. my humor had waned considerably.

on our way away from the ugly beaten car, we had to drive four miles in the wrong direction to get fuel. the next gas in the right direction was twenty miles, and i didn't want to press my horrible luck. at the station, i couldn't get the pump to work. had to run inside to be, very sweetly, reminded that you have to lift the lever. even then, it didn't work. so i pulled up to the next nozzle. just then, same lovely cashier came out to help. she was the brightest thing about the whole day, she and waving to the mountain where i will be snowboarding in a few quick months.

approaching the town where lay that sad vehicle, now headed in the right direction, we crossed a bridge, at the end of which were two boards in the road, full of nails. they were pointing down, and i managed to squeak between them just in time.

ok, guys, i'm sure it's gonna bug you, but i'm going to have a smoke. feel free to put your windows down. clenched jaws, obvious change in body language, window down. 'well, let me light it first, and if you have that down, you're just gonna get all of the smoke coming your way. better to leave it up and let it go out mine.'

every landmark demonstrating our progression toward home was a beacon of hope. when they got out of the car, she didn't even say goodbye or thank you for the cucumbers. instead, she left a pile of clothes she wore when she badly washed my walls and balled my socks. just there in a heap on the back seat, unmentioned like a forgotten moment in time that could've been a fine opportunity to connect and share some jokes.

argh, i am so very grateful to have been raised with mantras like 'count your blessings' and 'it takes all kinds to make the world'. some poor children are raised by ignorant, angry adults. and it crushes their souls and makes them into misearble half-humans. (the bumper sticker ahead in our travels at one point was 'stay human'. god i love that michael franti.) i for one will be keeping that woman out of my life. (for example, she MAY NOT accompany us to get my car next week -the good car. i will only ride with the guy who is my friend cause he sparkles sometimes.) i will also, when i do stumble across her in my mind, send her good energy and a ray of hope that she can crack the crud and feel like what it SHOULD mean to be alive.

let a smile be your umbrella.

[Lo0p]

just got my own bac!

RudyB;1147791 wrote: never take 40 mg of bac at once.

...ummm..

heh..

hehe...

:H

:H:H

:H:H

What do you think, oh...say 300 mg would do to ya?

edit: not really funny I know, but it just goes to show we are all different.

I think I was taking 300 mg in one daily dose within a couple to a few weeks after starting.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

anybody who has been reading my posts lately will surely have a sense of the kind of weird and circuitous routes through life's most basic tasks i have been experienceing. do you have any thougts on why this might be happening, day after day? what lessons do you glean from it? i know one of them is to let go. let it pass, the event resolves itself eventually, and make your recovery time shorter and shorter with each one.

i think i need a shaman! good news is that i am seeing a version of that tomorrow, when i go to see my lovely neighbor with those wise hands (my intuitive masseuse).

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

loOp, you're a show off. but i'm glad to see you recognize that one size does not fit all, not with cocks nor with baclopops. takes all kinds.

[Lo0p]

just got my own bac!

It's nothing to show off or be proud about. I wish my switch had been at a lower dose. But then again, I think I experience a measure of indifference that is, well different, as in truly indifferent than some (or most) around here. This is what I think just based on what I read in everyone's journals.

Oh and...everyone seems to like my rooster.

[moglor]

just got my own bac!

I harken back to my starting days. 40mg would have killed me. My "regular" dose is 50mg now (after 1.5 years), but once I double dosed myself and went to a very interesting place. I've had some cool visuals, but never a straight up hallucination. I've had some pretty vivid waking dreams. Maybe that's what this was?

I love your stories, makes me feel like I'm there in the car with you. Your description of the grumpy friend fits me to a "T" on my bad days, although I really haven't had any of those since I started the 5-HTP!