just got my own bac!

[Lo0p]

just got my own bac!

moglor;1147955 wrote: I love your stories, makes me feel like I'm there in the car with you.

+1

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

RudyB;1147922 wrote: anybody who has been reading my posts lately will surely have a sense of the kind of weird and circuitous routes through life's most basic tasks i have been experienceing. do you have any thougts on why this might be happening, day after day? what lessons do you glean from it?

Rudy, personally speaking, it's impossible to say without knowing the whole truth. When you're ready to tell me what's really going on, I'll tell you my thoughts.

Oh and by the way, what upset you so much about the hallucination? Was it there was a strange man in bed with you or that he was "very white"?

[bleep]

just got my own bac!

i loved the hallucinations! and I agree wholeheartedly with Lo0p.

if ever a thread deserved 6 stars, this one is it. a lot is to gained from how you are relating to life and baclofen rudy.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

aww, i love you guys. thank you! i had to look twice at loOp's emoticon. at first look, i thought the guy was drinking a frothy beer and i was like, 'dude, huh'? but then i saw that it was popcorn, and i am deeply flattered.

yes, this is one heck of a trippy trip w baclofen. like bleep, i rather enjoy the hallucinations, they're a new form of being totally fucked-up high. and i impress myself that i don't get too scared. even when i'm without my son and not in guardian/warrior mode, i don't slip into fear; 'did i lock the doors?!' i think they were equally alarming: the strange man and the fact that he was PASTY white. (did i mention that my duvet is covered in sage green? the hallucinations are multi-tiered.)

murph, i don't get what you say. i am telling you the whole truths, down to almost every detail. there is nothing lurking in the shadows that i am not saying. i am simply asking, what the hell kinda karmic funk is causing this long and unyielding series of unfortunate events?! do explain your query, please.

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

RudyB;1148024 wrote: murph, i don't get what you say. i am telling you the whole truths, down to almost every detail. there is nothing lurking in the shadows that i am not saying. i am simply asking, what the hell kinda karmic funk is causing this long and unyielding series of unfortunate events?! do explain your query, please.Rudy, there is no "long and unyielding series of unfortunate events", what you are experiencing is just normal life. Sometimes good things happen, sometimes crap happens. You're concentrating on the slightly negative things and building them up into a scenario of impending disaster that doesn't exist. Why are you suddenly thinking this way? What's happened?

You're definitely keeping something(s) back, could this be one of them?
RudyB;1146563 wrote: there was also back story that i didn't include, which very much played into the level of sensitivity that i displayed in my reaction to my sis. i was feeling miffed by a certain, er, individual, about whom i have not told you because it's all so new and tender and i'm not ready to share and when i am you can be sure that i will. suffice it to say that my ego was hurting

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

ok murph, i get what you're saying. but, my dear, there IS a series of unfortunate events! yes, all solvable, but long and winding and truly frustrating at many,many turns. i have never before experienced life like this. and i AM trying really hard, when i find myself dwelling in the difficulties, to go to that happy place and count my blessings. the other day, when i was resting, i lay there in a stew of angst over all the bumps and nails in the road. i kept trying to steer myself to the quiet place by the stream, the smiles on my son's face. it was really hard. but, through talks w my mother and deepening on what's good and coming up w mantras to hold in my mind, i am working toward being able to tap more quickly into that positivity that is usually so reliably strong in me.

yes, i am definitely holding some stuff back, but as i get it all very sorted out, i am approaching the ready to broach the subject here. i just ask that you please be kind in your response (as i KNOW you'll tell me what you think), and know that this is indeed a trippy trip, and baclofen is influencing all. (ignominious once said that a bac se is trusting people he knew were very artistic or skilled con-artists.) i really don't think that that particular un-shared thread in my experiences has much at all to do with the grinding halts and fitful starts i am having in what should be mundane and simple life events. resolutions to these simple events are hard-earned and preceded by much frustration. i think, murph, that you underplay the aggrivation that i go through with these things, and i AM trying REALLY HARD to find the silver linings and see them as small stumblers. these are truly INNUMERABLE hard bumps that keep cropping up. if you want to continue to suggest that i should just ignore them or stay bouyant without questioning it, i respectfully ask that you keep those suggestions in your mind. i'm doing this the right way, my friend. to deny myself my frustration with a stiff upper lip, to let that umbrella (my smile) obscure from me the fact that it IS raining, would be a stupid bastardization of what that expression is meant to convey. give me more credit!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

the song below is a long-time favorite. i used some of the lyrics in a farewell speech i gave at the graduation of students who had been with me for 3 years. some of these lyrics also apply quite aptly to my current life. some, toward the end, describe the two characters in my borrowed car yesterday. the part about hearts being blocked by stones.

i love this man for his positivity, his soulful embracing of spirit, and the sublime music he makes.

if you have a listen/read, lemme know what you think.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Q98oqcToB0[/video]]‪Michael Franti & Spearhead - Speaking of Tongues 2001 Lyrics Included‬‏ - YouTube

Lyrics to Speaking Of Tongues :

You don't have to be so scared to share what's inside
'cause you're Daddy's little superstar
and you're Mama's little butterfly
fly high

A strange strange litany of verses and reverses
adlibs and rehearses
clouds burst and words cursed
an argument breaks out
it's one we've all heard before, it's boring
had us all snoring from the first line
one after another chimed in perfect time
tired rehashes of petty cashes and mismatches
you shoulda coulda's
and "why didn't 'tcha dida's"
crippling snippets aimed at the heart
to inflame and impart blame
framed like Mumia
verbal diarrhoea
creating chasms between the souls of two
or two billion
nations torn apart
station to station damnation
with much deliberation and very little consideration
to the return on the damage from the altercation
collateral condemnation
then denyin' like colorization of an old black and white
create a revision of the recent last night
the fight that started with two words, "I'm right"

(chorus)
You don't have to be so scared to share what's inside
'cause you're Daddy's little superstar
and you're Mama's little butterfly
fly high

But of course the fight ends with no resolution
merely a vow for retribution, substitution, execution, electrocution
ruthless, toothless and truthless
mumbling through page after page of excuses
abuses of the gift of the gab
Gabriel the trumpeter
bestowed upon us a voice with a choice
and a tongue kept moist by years of salivating
for oysters.. pearls and aphrodisiacs
locked in an ugly shell always too chewy and gooey
so they get swallowed whole
but a tongue is so much more than a vehicle for greed
a tongue is for washing fur
or for licking wounds
or for welcoming newcomers into a room
or cleansing those fresh from the womb
without a tongue there would be no croons
swoons, Junes under the moon
no bees pollinating no flowers in bloom
no recitation of words at the foot of a tomb
or wills read aloud of the family heirlooms
you probably couldn't even blow up a balloon
and that would be a shame
because to exhales the name of the game
exhale from the heart
not from the lungs
exhale from the heart
not from the tongue
(chorus)

Listening is understanding
and finding compassion
love is the action of soul satisfaction
a tongue can make wishes and also fine kisses
taste a sweet cake and also cast disses
but nothing compares to the voice from within
without it we might just be mannequins
up to no darn good shenanigans
learn to be skilful movers of the stones
that block the heart and turn humans to clones
learn to forgive, set free the bones
touch with your flesh, take off the rubber gloves
love like your life depends on it
because it does
(chorus)
You don't have to be so scared to share what's inside
'cause you're Daddy's little superstar
and you're Mama's little butterfly
fly high

A strange strange litany of verses and reverses
adlibs and rehearses
clouds burst and words cursed
an argument breaks out
it's one we've all heard before, it's boring
had us all snoring from the first line
one after another chimed in perfect time
tired rehashes of petty cashes and mismatches
you shoulda coulda's
and "why didn't 'tcha dida's"
crippling snippets aimed at the heart
to inflame and impart blame
framed like Mumia
verbal diarrhoea
creating chasms between the souls of two
or two billion
nations torn apart
station to station damnation
with much deliberation and very little consideration
to the return on the damage from the altercation
collateral condemnation
then denyin' like colorization of an old black and white
create a revision of the recent last night
the fight that started with two words, "I'm right"

(chorus)
You don't have to be so scared to share what's inside
'cause you're Daddy's little superstar
and you're Mama's little butterfly
fly high

But of course the fight ends with no resolution
merely a vow for retribution, substitution, execution, electrocution
ruthless, toothless and truthless
mumbling through page after page of excuses
abuses of the gift of the gab
Gabriel the trumpeter
bestowed upon us a voice with a choice
and a tongue kept moist by years of salivating
for oysters.. pearls and aphrodisiacs
locked in an ugly shell always too chewy and gooey
so they get swallowed whole
but a tongue is so much more than a vehicle for greed
a tongue is for washing fur
or for licking wounds
or for welcoming newcomers into a room
or cleansing those fresh from the womb
without a tongue there would be no croons
swoons, Junes under the moon
no bees pollinating no flowers in bloom
no recitation of words at the foot of a tomb
or wills read aloud of the family heirlooms
you probably couldn't even blow up a balloon
and that would be a shame
because to exhales the name of the game
exhale from the heart
not from the lungs
exhale from the heart
not from the tongue
(chorus)

Listening is understanding
and finding compassion
love is the action of soul satisfaction
a tongue can make wishes and also fine kisses
taste a sweet cake and also cast disses
but nothing compares to the voice from within
without it we might just be mannequins
up to no darn good shenanigans
learn to be skilful movers of the stones
that block the heart and turn humans to clones
learn to forgive, set free the bones
touch with your flesh, take off the rubber gloves
love like your life depends on it
because it does
(chorus)

[ These are Speaking Of Tongues Lyrics on Lyrics Mania ]

[sjm]

just got my own bac!

i get why you get michael franti. i get him too!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

wow! them's some long lyrics! but good'uns.

i just read in an email from my mom: 'i encourage you to let the negative stuff go, don't try to "figger it out" in the cosmic sense. sometimes bad stuff comes in bunches. be gentle with yourself and remember to look for the good.' there, that just about sums it up! thanks, mom.

i'm fresh back from a visit with my massage goddess. what a good session! we talked about all manner of things, stuff that has been bugging me most particularly. she gave me gems of wisdom and much encouragement. and she will stop by to see my garden. she gave me a small-trunk-sized leather case of lectures from the pathwork series that will help me delve into some of my psycho-spiritual challenges. and she just finished reading 'healing without freud or prozac'! how cosmic is that?! when i left she said, 'it's a good meet', about our reconnecting. she said my body feels good, is muscling up, and it's maybe a bit sad.

if any of you friends plan to be anywhere near this area, i'll arrange a lovely spa day for you with massage, acupuncture, we can do a little emdr together, go for a swim, and we'll finish with a delectable dinner from my garden with some efa-rich fish as the anchor. just a thought, and an open invitation. i'll have a lovely spare bedroom ready, as my gal pal is coming over this afternoon to help me get this place into shipper shape.

the road here is delightful for running. in the book he writes about how good that is for you, how it helps people snap out of depressive funks better than any pill ever can. even 20 minutes three times a week, at whatever pace, yields immediate upswings in moods and attitudes. he also addresses how beneficial it is to do whatever physical activity you enjoy with people. well, i've got that going on! it was such a pleasure to see my new doctor friend rowing on thursday. she's truly very present and thoughtful and supportive. we'll have a bite together after our row on tuesday. and maybe we'll even get in a boat with a competent crew and glide smoothly down the water. i'm gonna hold that vision.

and i'm gonna keep focusing on the positives. increasingly, when i lie down for my rests, i will go straight to that happy place that leaves me smiling under my eye pillow and renewed upon rising.

[Bruunhilde]

just got my own bac!

You sound good, Rudy, keep it up. You'll like the Louise Hay book, and I'll look for the healing without freud or prozac. I'm not a fan of either Freud or prozac!! I think both are frauds.

[SlipperyPete]

just got my own bac!

Rudy,
This is all very interesting stuff. I'm enjoying reading your posts and trying to figure out what's going on. My latest thought on bac is that it is not an anti-depressant, not an anxiolytic, not an anti-alcoholism pill, but it is a "normal pill." As in, it makes me normal. This is how I should be all along. However, due to this disease, my response to any problem has always been "drink some beer. That should help." Now that I realize that response is completely fucked up, I'm left with "oh my god, my tv is broken, and I see now that drinking beer won't fix it, so now what the fuck do I do?"

I think that with time I'll learn how to cope with my problems, but for now, I have no idea how to live a "normal" life. Life seemed so much simpler when "add beer" was the solution to every problem.

Also, I noticed that Murphy and your mom had basically the same answer, yet Murphy's answer was dismissed.

Murphyx wrote: Rudy, there is no "long and unyielding series of unfortunate events", what you are experiencing is just normal life. Sometimes good things happen, sometimes crap happensRudyB;1148118 wrote: i just read in an email from my mom: 'i encourage you to let the negative stuff go, don't try to "figger it out" in the cosmic sense. sometimes bad stuff comes in bunches.

Maybe sometimes Murphy DOES know what he's talking about.

Maybe...

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

good point, pete. and you're right. sorry murph, i know i was pretty defensive in my response. you're right, too. now that the events have receded, they seem like life frustrations, not cosmic punches. to boot, i have a great car to use all weekend! so, post away your thoughts. and i promise, there's nothing significant that i'm not telling that underscores this section of my reality.

please come back cause i miss you and i want your input.

hope you all have had a day as great as mine!

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

There's absolutely no need to apologise Rudy; I told you before "remember I'm an idiot and I don't know wtf I'm talking about most of the time. Feel free to tell me to piss off." Telling me to "stop talking","piss off" or"back the fuck off and don't you ever touch me again or I'm calling the pigs you creepy weirdo" are all things I hear quite regularly. It's like water off a duck's back. At least no one took out an injunction against me this time.

Ru, what Pete says is true and not just the bit about me being right all the time (that's how I read and choose to remember it) becoming sober is a strange thing to suddenly cope with. Add to that you're on a very powerful, mind altering drug and your responses to events are bound to be a bit wonky at the moment. But then again, who's to say what's wonky and what's normal? You're the only one who can ultimately decide that for yourself and yeah I do give you credit; you're smart and more than capable of sorting this out for yourself and of ignoring my bullshit when you need to. So, I shall carry on talking bollocks.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

thanks murph. right as ever.

so, some of you may remember that guy i described on moglor's thread midwinter, the one i met snowboarding. what? you don't remember?! the one who took a huge dukie while i had to pee so bad, and left it in the toilet for me to admire, and then wanted sex 'his way'. the one w man boobs who put in the disney flick after i told him i would hate it and would rather watch the french one. the one who knickled and dimed over the bottle of vodka. well, he slept over last night! and i'm deeply in love.




just kidding! about the in-love part. but he did sleep over, in the new and beautiful spare room. you see, he's still a friend, and he might rent my bldg for his boats. i said i'd have dinner w him last night, and in typical dookie fashion (that shall be his name), he was riding his bike the 40 mile trip to my house and couldn't make it in time so i had to go pick him up. well, i was just about caught up here on mwo, so that was okay. and he paid for dinner. what struck me is that he is still very manic (nope, people don't usually just change, unless they do something dramatic like get sober).

so, now that i am sober for about three weeks, it is my job to take my newfound superiority and correct people. i reminded him that he took that dookie and of what he did afterwards. and, after listening to him once again talk about his saga w his evil ex gf, i told him that he seems very unsettled. that he's quite manic and might wanna look at that. he suggested maybe he should stop drinking. i said that would be a great start. it would transform him into a whole new person. he's lose weight (hint), and he'd be more grounded. my god, the dude has issues. and please stop reading at any point. i'm just gettin my kicks here describing this latest event, and i don't think there is much point to what i'm saying.

so, when we got back to my place, we sat on my stoop and i took one gentle pull of some very fine weed. just enough to feel a little flowy and relaxed. he, on the other hand, took several deep draws, one after the other, and then smoked two cigarettes in quick succession, pulling on them with vigor the way he probably pulls on his knob in desperation to feel good. (ew, he just ripped one of his glorious farts, loud and long; he's in the room behind that window.) i'm gonna tell him this morning that he needs to slow down his eating. that will be one everday way that he can cool down the pace, and he might flatten his chest a bit in the process. (he ate the whole small loaf of bread before the appetizer even came.) someone's gotta help this guy! who better than me?! (now he's snoring.)

what was i thinking?! how could i have let this sexually aggressive man have his way with me? double ew! obviously i wasn't thinking, i was drinking. those were some dark times. last night, after i said i didn't want to snuggle, he, i swear, loomed in as if to give me a romantic kiss, and his arms suggested a non-platonic hug. i gave him my cheek and a quick pat on the back. then i wondered, remembering his he-man style, would he try to sneak in with me in the middle of the night?! not likely, he's not drunk and he comes from a classy family. and if so, the weekenders are across the street, so i'd just yell their names for rescue if i couldn't pry his fat body off of me.

so i guess one point of telling all of this is to marvel at how far i've come. and how good i am getting at detecting what i don't like in a man, and not just going along with it anyway, cause it's there. it's so good to be sober! it felt so good to be that new person i told him he could be. to sit in my body, not needing to get anywhere, and watch this thrumming mess in front of me and realize that i was some version of that a few short weeks ago.

so, i'm fresh and awake at five am, after a sound sleep and not so much sweat that i had to change my clothes. those pesky se's seem to have gone away, imagine that! (taking small doses works wonders!) i've got a list of things i shall accomplish, including photographing my garden and that enormous broccoli which boggles my mind. i've never had broccoli like this! it has always been leggy and small. oh, and figuring out why the lights don't work in my cellar, it's not solved by the switchbreaker, tried that. but this won't be a sign of the universe conspiring against me, it's just one of life's little pranks, nothing more.

with that, on this un-hung sun, i bid you all a very good day.

[Doggygirl]

just got my own bac!

rudyb - i really enjoyed reading this post. isn't it awesome to find our footing in life again? not always easy. i still find myself at a loss sometimes - ala pete's message about what happens when "add beer" is no longer the attempted solution for anything and everything and nothing at all. like your mom says - you have a beautiful and honest spirit about you.

i also want to ask a question. how the sam hill did you end up with fabulous broccoli? (and who the hell is sam hill?) gardening is new to me since sobering up so i haven't tried a lot of broccoli. but the two years i did try it, it came out all spindly and .... non-broccoli-ish. so what's your secret???? i am resisting the urge to ask if you got some tips from murph and loop as they seem to be experts on "big." maybe i will try some broccoli again next year.

anyway...i hope you have a good day. and good for you not letting creepy dude get any closer.

dg