just got my own bac!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

RudyB;1115655 wrote: it's time to get serious about sobriety. Just want to report that today I feel like I'm ready to amp up my efforts to be al free. I'm so sick of carrying around all this weight, these hangovers, these urges that I can't/don't/won't combat. So what's my plan? ...Take the right dose of bac! COok and eat well. Get more exercise. Be with people. Take supps. I can do this.

Geez. I can't believe I missed this post. Sorry RubyD ()

I'm guessing that you haven't had another vomitous with blood episode since then or we'd have heard... But that must've sucked.
I projectile vomited one night when I took too much and probably didn't eat. Didn't make it to the bathroom either. Then, of course, I threw up again while cleaning it up. jeez, sorry, tmi. Making me sick to write about it.

Point is that it can be rough on the stomach, 'cause mine is made of strong stuff, and I don't really throw up. The blood? Poor lining of the stomach, chronically abused and overlooked.

The rest? That's an excellent plan. However, the crux of the plan, imho, is to take the pills, manage the SEs and move forward with forethought and a plan. The supps? hmmmm. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Beware adding things to the regimen that aren't necessary and aren't something you've been doing all along. L-glut seems to make me a bit dizzy, for instance. Something I couldn't have dealt with AT ALL when taking HDB. Plus, I found that with every foible I was apt to look to the bac. It was important, for me, to be able to eliminate all other things and deal with bac on bac's terms.

All that said, it sounds like you are achieving remarkable progress and doing everything just about the way I would like to have done it. So cheers! Stay the course, you rock.
:h Ne

[bleep]

just got my own bac!

Hallelujah! I was going to wait for someone else to post before adding my thoughts, then everybody disappeared from here. You had said you weren't going to bother overmuch with your thread Rudy, but it's good to keep it going, even if it's intermittent.

Good luck with the AF thing, how's it treating you so far?

As Ne says, I wouldn't pay too much attention to the other stuff for the time being. Get your baclofen right, the rest is easy.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

I forgot to mention something VERY important. I don't like the capitalization, Rudy. The other reminded me of ee cummings, whom I adore, and I loved it. Bummer that you're all-of-the-sudden saying "I" instead of "i". maybe you'll go bac to using the right way??? lack of punctuation is a little confusing, but lack of capitalization shows flair, imo. :H

:h

[redhead77]

just got my own bac!

Ne/Neva Eva;1118413 wrote: I forgot to mention something VERY important. I don't like the capitalization, Rudy. The other reminded me of ee cummings, whom I adore, and I loved it. Bummer that you're all-of-the-sudden saying "I" instead of "i". maybe you'll go bac to using the right way??? lack of punctuation is a little confusing, but lack of capitalization shows flair, imo. :H

:h

I noticed it too. Why did you change to capitals? I've gotten used to your unique writing style. It's part of your quircky personality, that I've grown fond of. Next you'll stop telling us about placentas, goats, and explicit texts you send to men. Please, don't do that! I enjoy it.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

You all make me smile! Thank you so much. I'm honored that you've responded on my thread. Thanks especially to you, bleep, for encouraging me to write here. I shall do so, if only for me (though apparently others do care, thanks again and again!).

NE, thanks for saying I rock. Thanks for loving my previous un-capitalized style. I decided to try to grow in one small way, by using the shift key more often. To get over that high school poor choice of dropping out of typing class, and to be a better typist. I love that it didn't offend you, my small letters. I love the association w ee cummings, a great poet, indeed. (and while i'm at it, i'll say in small letters, thanks for responding to my pm.) I also felt a little bad for that banter on Murph's post about apostrophes, and felt that if I was gonna poke fun at apostrophe abusers, I'd better learn how to use the shift key!

and, NE, I wonder what it is that I'm doing that you said you wish you had done... I'm limping along here....

Not af by a longshot. Drinking even though I don't want to as much, I don't have the urgency. But I still do it. Clearly I'm far from indifference, but I feel driven more by habit than by need.

SIDENOTE: My ex is a total fucking prick. He just came in and told me that he'd appreciate if I didn't send our son to school in ripped clothes. He said this with his hands shaking and his eyes all squinched up. (My son's tee shirt that says "I can't live without my radio" has a small hole in it - it's a vintage thing from the salvation army, beautiful soft cotton, light blue with a cool cat and his boom box. He specifically wanted to wear it so his teacher would laugh. He just informed me that she did. Now he's on the toilet singing "I can't live without my radio..." Gee, what are the priorities, here?!) He -the ex- said he's embarassed to pick up his son in ripped clothes. Maybe he should be emabarassed that he hasn't paid a cent of the $1000 tuition/month ALL EFFEN YEAR! ...but I don't want to do battle in front of our son.

Red: Is your father's children this troublesome?!

Good news is that there has been no more blood in my vomit. In fact, no more vomit. I think that was a one-time thing from drink and from taking bac on an empty stomach.

I love the encouragement to take bac and not worry about the extras. I am not taking more supps than I usually do when trying to be healthy: vitamin d (which I hear many of us are deficient in, and is good to prevent all ailments); omegas; and some amino acids. But I love the encouragement to let bac do its thing; sometimes I think I'm not trying hard enough to be sober. But no matter how hard I 'tried' in the past, it never worked. So it's friggin nice to feel like I can rest on the laurels of this medicine. Thanks for the permission to do so.

Love you all, and thanks so so much for your time and for caring.
xoxo Rudy B

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

Oh yeah, has anyone else found their fists clenching, like in the middle of the night, just upon waking one of those times waking in the night? I can't believe the tension in my hands.... weird.

[bleep]

just got my own bac!

it seems like all ex's are pricks, of both sexes!

for a muscle relaxant, baclofen has some strange properties - the hand clenching being one of them.

the ability to look on the bright side is a great quality - no blood in your vomit being a classic example!

typing like this has made me realise what a complete hassle the shift key is. i think you should make it a rule in your thread.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

aww man, it's good to have such empathy, on such a number of counts! more later. now, sleep, with relaxed hands, i hope. and plenty of vivid dreams, i also hope.

[redhead77]

just got my own bac!

RudyB;1119341 wrote: SIDENOTE: My ex is a total fucking prick. He just came in and told me that he'd appreciate if I didn't send our son to school in ripped clothes. He said this with his hands shaking and his eyes all squinched up. (My son's tee shirt that says "I can't live without my radio" has a small hole in it - it's a vintage thing from the salvation army, beautiful soft cotton, light blue with a cool cat and his boom box. He specifically wanted to wear it so his teacher would laugh. He just informed me that she did. Now he's on the toilet singing "I can't live without my radio..." Gee, what are the priorities, here?!) He -the ex- said he's embarassed to pick up his son in ripped clothes. Maybe he should be emabarassed that he hasn't paid a cent of the $1000 tuition/month ALL EFFEN YEAR! ...but I don't want to do battle in front of our son.

Red: Is your father's children this troublesome?!

My ex split. I don't have to deal with him anymore. He decided to serve his country. Prior to him leaving, it was troublesome. In a different way, he didn't come around much, towards the end. He couldn't complain if the children had holes in their clothes. He quit his job and was unemployed, so he didn't pay child support.

[Isolde]

just got my own bac!

bleep;1112867 wrote: It unfortunately does wear off. But, soon, indifference comes knocking, and that leaves its own sort of joy on your face. That lasts forever. Or it has so far, anyway.

I'm way behind on this thread and still need to catch up with another page or so, but I just wanted to comment on this first. After I reached indifference, I played around with my dose some, and have been able to get the oxytocin high back for large chunks of time! Feeling it again today, actually! I admit, I am kind of chasing the good SEs a bit, but I don't see any reason why not to. 120mgs seems to be the sweet spot for me. Once it starts to feel "normal" again, I might bump my dose back up for another resurgence of indifference, and then come down 120 and stay there and feel the love for awhile. Luckily I'm still indifferent at my "feel good" dose! If anything, as I go up another 40 or so mgs, I start to feel anxious, and it makes me think more about the idea of having a drink to quash it.
I'm just trying to say that I've found that I can be flexible with bac, I don't feel that I need to take one set static dose forever. And so far it's been working out well for me.

[Isolde]

just got my own bac!

it's not going to be easy for me, but i will do my best to make rudy's thread a capitalization free space. wow, i'm making make all kinds of other typos though that i have to go back and correct. very unintuitive way to type for me! but anyway. thanks for mentioning e.e. cummings, ne. i hadn't thought about him in ages, and he wrote one of my favorite poems, back when i read lots of poetry. here it is:

enter no(silence is the blood whose flesh
is singing)silence:but unsinging. In
spectral such hugest how hush,one

dead leaf stirring makes a crash

?far away(as far as alive)lies
april;and i breathe-move-and-seem some
perpetually roaming whylessness?

autumn has gone:will winter never come?

o come,terrible anonymity;enfold
phantom me with the murdering minus of cold
?open this ghost with millionary knives of wind?
scatter his nothing all over what angry skies and

gently
(very whiteness:absolute peace,
never imaginable mystery)
descend


the way he spaces things reminds me of an assignment we had in poetry class (i took it as an elective in college and coincidentally never wrote poetry again, though i used to write tons before!), we had to write a poem so that the words created a shape, and the poem itself had to make sense with what the shape was. mine was in the shape of an ankh (eternal life), and it was a poem about things that make me happy. wow, haven't thought of that in ages... it's tempting me to pull out of old binder of poetry and read through them all again! i dunno, i thought some of them were pretty good...

[Isolde]

just got my own bac!

grrr, speaking of the way he spaces things and the mwo formatting goes and aligns everything to the left! hmph. oh well.

[Lo0p]

just got my own bac!

are you fragmenting your sentences on purpose too?

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

oh dear, i love how my very own thread has inspired poetry it its readers. how 'bout that! it de-motivates me with the shift key. let all holds be barred! ...whatever that means.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

yeah. this thread is cool.

i think it was here that i saw the thing about hand-clenching? that and the ear-ache (the outside of the ear, not the inside) and the teeth grinding have returned for me. grrrr. stress from beginning my new life or messing with my dosing schedule? who knows. it's very annoying though. and it went away for me, for months.

gotta run, xo