just got my own bac!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

one thing that crossed my mind during the internal battle which could have been pre-beer but wasn't, was: 'why the fuck am i on hdb if i'm just gonna cave to the demon?' is that really what i want to do?! it's no small thing to pop pills all day and suffer some pretty severe -at times- side effects. but it's almost never the rational mind that wins. in my case, it's almost always the body. so for me a term more apt than 'white knuckling' would be 'full bellying'.

[SlipperyPete]

just got my own bac!

Well done Rudy :goodjob:

Those words mean a lot to me, considering I drank more than I wanted to this weekend and didn't even get a gentle high. All I got was that desolate feeling the next day.

Off to the gym in a little bit to awaken my endorphins, zippity doo da! :H

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

by the way, my son loved the quesadilla (and how thrilled am i to find another way to sneak greens into his little bod!), and he loved the kombucha cocktail.

and my not-gay ex bf loves the 5htp. within hours of his first dose, he had a pep in his step. next day, i was depressed (hungover from my ales) and he was jaunting ahead, through the woods with my son, losing races and finding fox holes. miraculous stuff, it is. why doesn't everybody know about it?!

well, i'm thirsty. and i have only one cigarette left (to which i am clinging like the most ironic lifeline there could be). i'm now going to trot downstairs for some vinegar-spiked water (which i love but my son doesn't) and that final smoke. then, a quick catch-up on the other threads followed by my last episode of 'medium', my latest favorite not-too-junky tv show.

i am so very thrilled that i've read a nice book about fiddlin' to my son, who fell asleep without the vapor of alcoholic breath in his face. and that i'll be waking up in a pleasant state of dignity and self-love, ready to face a new day knowing that i can get through it without any demoralizing tentacles threatening to squeeze the vim out of my vigor.

nitey nite, all.
xo rudy ru

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

to the gym you trot, peetie slip! it'll make you feel so good, right?!

seems there's a lot of that desolation going on these days. i'm thinking of taw and bruun in particular. but i know the list is much longer. here is my shout out to y'all who suffer as i have many many times, and may again and again but of course would prefer not to. i'm going to keep a full supply of food on hand, stuff that i love to eat, to stave off the spears that would pop my bubble. vigilance, folks, against that creeping monster! together let's raise the vibration so high and so strong and slay that mo' fo'! let's channel rosie the riviter and marcus garvey and mother theresa and all of those brilliant folks in our midst who do what some thought couldn't be done.

ok, corny cornmeal mush. you feel my flow, though, right?

nite nite.

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

EAT, don't forget to eat!

That's all I have to say. Well there were other things related to your wanting tasty things in your mouth but I decided to be mature and not even mention them.

[bleep]

just got my own bac!

so it looks like a missed dose is more serious than first we thought. well, first we thought it was, anyway, then we thought it wasn't. i say we, i mean i. this stuff is confusing, but i'd look to that rudy, as the reason for the craving.

i think i should stop posting now. i'm confusing others, and myself.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

lol. What is that song? Pink Floyd, I think, about being confused?...
Anyhoo. Missed dose=craving and often drinking for me. Much more so a little while ago, but still possible now I suppose.

It feels really good to shut the cage door bac on the beast, doesn't it? I hope you caught her fingers in the hinges and she's still smarting. bitch.
She will die, Ruby. woo to the hooo!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

RudyB;1164084 wrote:
ok, corny cornmeal mush. you feel my flow, though, right?

Oh yes, you prose poet. I'm feeling the flow and carrying it with me.
LOVE the cornmealy mush, and a super shout out to all of the lurkers reading this right now. We know you're there and it's all good. :l

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

nah, bleep. don't stop posting. figuring all this stuff out is a bit of a crapshoot at times. one day it seems one way, another, another.

so, my husband (soon-to-be-ex) has been dumped by his girlfriend. that's good and bad. bad because now he truly has nothing, other than his son. good because he'll be local again and can pick up some of his slack in rearing our child. bad because he'll be inhabiting his building again, and it is only a hundred yards or so from my house. bad because he's a read downer. good that i'm not a drunk anymore, as that was the ONLY thing he could have held against me in our divorce settlement. good because i can have my life back again, like i can go rowing without fretting over childcare. bad because my son will ALWAYS want to be with me, and it will be hard for him to stay with his dad if i'm right down the hill. good because it's further incentive to hurry up and finish the papers and get divorced already! wow. what a time to have a judge re-instated in my life. right when i'm mostly feeling strong in -mostly- sobriety, i have a witness right on my hiney who'll totally freak out if he sees me pounding ale. and he has a laser-sensitive ability to detect when i've had a drop. oh well. one more tool for the toolbox, i suppose.

sure was nice to wake up un-hung this morning!

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

RudyB;1164324 wrote: sure was nice to wake up un-hung this morning!

I don't normally remember my dreams but I had a nightmare about that. :H

[Bruunhilde]

just got my own bac!

Yo Rudster,
Sounds like you're chugging along, energetic as a five year old as usual, damnit. I know the works of Doris Lessing, I have the Prisons book and her glory The Golden Notebook. I think she's so interesting and intelligent, way over my head, but one thing she was quoted for was saying that she had felt brave to leave her children and their father because she felt if she had raised them herself she would have become an alkie. I always felt that too, low and behold I became one anyways, no kids to blame.

This morning I had coconut cream and honey before breakfast. Breakfast is around the corner, minutes away. Two warm hard boiled eggs processed up with chopped chabot cheddar. Food is the key to it all.

[SlipperyPete]

just got my own bac!

Rudy it looks like you have an Accounta-bili-buddy! Seems like it could be a good thing.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

bruun! how cool you know doris lessing. yep, she's smart, ain't she?! and your breakfasts! they sound delicious! right up my alley. where, my dear, in the world do you live?! are you starting late, or do you live half-globe from me? (if'n you're not too far, i'd say we oughtta break fast together sometime! that would be a delight! ...dreaming here, yet again.) cabot cheddar, or chabot chedar? if the latter, what is it? the former is a company from my neighb in vt, for whom farmers take a pledge not to use growth hormones and antibiotics. and nothing bad shows up in their butter. yes, food is key!

kids or no kids, life is tough and deals its blows. today, i was looking for paperwork for the bank so they can give me yet more money, and i realized that i had tossed into the recycling some very important paperwork. like taxes from last year, and my w2 from my job. OMG! how could i have done such a thing?! how can i live with myself?! the lesson, the cloud's silver lining: file your papers as soon as they pass past your eyes. don't let them pile up until they get put into bags and get mistaken for recycling in your construction-zone house. and: forgive yourself; you make human mistakes and are not a bad person because of them.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

Rubilicious-
I'm really loving a lot of the lessons you're posting.
The papers are a good example. In a previous incarnation of myself that would've sent me over the edge. Right? I know you get that. I would berate myself for a long time. Maybe even years. Missing the point that they are all replaceable. It's a PITA to replace 'em, but whatever. Time is on my side now.

I relate to what you have going on in so many other ways, too. The gardening, the budgeting time, the taking life on life's terms. (I can't believe that lame-ass is going to be in your space again. Bully for you for just dealing with it. que sera and all that. Still. Nice job, sister.)

I was so focused for a while, so able to separate the important from the unimportant. The natural inclination for that has waned a bit, but the lessons will serve me in good stead, I think. Cleaning the home doesn't mean scrubbing the baseboards and dealing with windows and organizing the closets. Unless it does. There's a time for that too.
Filing the papers means throwing out the crap (coupons and adverts) that I collected for years. They save me, what? $6 when I use them. My time and space are worth more than that atm.

I am loathe to lose this gift, and have watched more than one do just that... Guard your mojo and your focus on the goal! Imma tryin.
xxoo
(and yes, I'm paying attention, though I haven't listened to the songs. I wish you peeps would put stuff on the music thread and link it in your sigs, or something. That way they're all right there and I can put it on play when I'm working. Just a thought. I would LOVE that and it's a very cool thread, with very cool people...hmmm... and music is still so huge and transcendent for me that I can't believe it's always been around and I just missed the point! :H)

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

ne, the post i made to you is # 865, on page 87. among other things, i mentioned that i'm going to quit smoking again. in fact, i've put a call in to the hypnotist, who guarantees his work. so i'll be headed back there soon...

thanks for the acknowledgement about my lessons. what would i do without them!? and for the tip about the music thread. i'll be seeking that out!

i'm off to prepare for a shiatsu massage (i have just enough cash left for that, and i need it, as my back has been buggin me). rodrigo is his name, and he and i speak in spanish! what a treat. his wife is just lovely, too. they're dancers, among other things. good people are flooding into my life.

good day, y'all!