just got my own bac!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

well, so, word to the wise: make sure you're on the email lists you need to be on! i am so proud of myself for having awakened at 5:30 am and was out the door only ten minutes late to the exciting row i thought i was about to make. i called one of the coaches to tell him i was atrasada (late), only to learn that the row had been cancelled. (oh yeah, that's the other place i was channelling red, as mentioned on her thread: yes, dear, the waters are high again; i should've known.)

i've been making the most of my day so far. i went for a run. four miles anyway. i just couldn't stop. wild child, wild stuff! that macaco is the best motor for my feet! (macaco, you know, my boyfriend, all those songs i've posted that some of you gave yourself the treat of checking out.) i have just about prepped a bed for my echinacea, where ugly evergreen hedges used to hog important real estate. i'll put manarda there, too, bee balm, which i used to suck on as a child. a nice, deep red. butterflies and hummingbirds love it.

i wanna report some nice twists with the ex hubby. we're realizing that we're still madly in love and we're getting back together. he moves in again today!!! ...just kidding! (couldn't resist.) no, but, when i told him i had to leave for my row at six am so he should be here then, he kinda smirked or something and i told him that this is really for our son. he then laughed and and said 'ok, right, this is for g.' but he laughed nicely. as i was about to go out the door, i paused, not having anything left to do in prep, but knowing there was something still un-dealt-with. ah, yes, i needed to tell him something. just then, he came around the bend from the kitchen, and i said, 'you know, i know it looks like this row is for me, but i have to have a life of my own or i'm not gonna be a good mom.' he agreed, but said that he never asks me to get up at 6 am (forgetting that i do that EVERY SINGLE DAY for our son, who wakes with the roosters who used to live here). i said no, he doesn't, but that i shimmy around his lifestlyle plentymuch. he said, 'yes, i supose that you do.' wow! how 'bout them applers?! and there's other stuff too, lately, that tells me we're on a good track with relating as people who have the same goals. kinda nice. makes it easier to live with the fact that he is an egomaniac fear-monger.

[RedThread12]

just got my own bac!

I'll keep from hi-jacking another important thread and make a quick response to something I saw you post there. My ex-husband, with whom I am still very good friends, has done a lot of Avatar courses. The get very high marks from him. So good on 'ya for goin,' and may your multiverse expand powerfully and beneficially!!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

i can't believe my thread is still on page one. feels like ages since i've been here.

thanks ruby red thread for posting here. i haven't done an avatar course, yet.

just wanted to check in and say that i am daily so very grateful for having discovered you folks and this forum and baclofen. i often think about my drunk days, my many, many consecutive drunk days, especially up until early spring. if i had kept going at that rate in that vein i would probably have lost my son by now. i would've thought i was sober enough to drive, put him in the car to get more beer, and gotten pulled over. instant felony and a yank of your child from your arms. ouch. whenever i think of that i cringe deep and long. i could've taken the fork in the road that led me there. instead, as if a lightbulb went off, i remembered mwo, where i had visited almost two years earlier than this past february or so when i came back. and i took this fork. now, instead of sitting in jail without my son, i sit sober in his room, typing while he sleeps just over there, totally sober and happy as a clam. thanks, folks, for being here!

i've successfully pryed (pried?) off the tentacles of the beast a few times recently. it's as if, once i'm hungry enough, i start to think of ale. then, even a potato chip or two does the trick. amazing! that blood sugar shit really is true. 'seven weeks to sobriety' stuck in my memory in its essential messages, give thanks. and also for the human body's AMAZING ability to sneak its needs into our noggins in spite of the abuse we put it through.

why, one might ask, would i even be tempted by ale if i've, supposedly, switched? could be cause i switched around 190 and have gone down to 160 (duhh). or could be because the beast lurks no matter what (doubt it). could be that the famous switch is not as solid as we would hope, not for all of us. i bet it could be if i went back up, maybe even higher, but i'm not willing to do that. i'm thrilled to be se-free again. and i really don't care if i drink some sometimes. it doesn't bother me one whit, so long as it's not a preoccupation that leaves me hungover the next day. fact is, i've tried to get drunk a few times since switch(ish) in april, but i can't. i can't get it down fast enough? i don't want to? it's not vodka anymore and beer's too filling? i've no idea. combination of all, i'd guess. good. glad not to be a drunk anymore, ever.

glad to wake up every morning and be present to the angel that i brought into this world with the help of a sperm donor (thanks, red, for that apt term). glad that when i'm mad at myself it's not because i was drunk the day or night before. glad that my stupid mistakes can be blamed on being human, not on being a problem drinker. fuckin glad, man!

and so glad to go to work with clarity and groundedness. my tireds are not laced with self-loathing. my red skin is a healthy glow, not a puffy symptom of too much of a bad, poisonous thing. people look at me differently, and it is NICE! i look at myself VERY differently, and what a joy that is!

i went to my therapist today for the first time in a couple of years. i did most of the talking. when the session was almost over, he asked me what i needed. i said i didn't know, that i guessed when i made the appointment a couple of weeks ago i was a little confused and overwhelmed, but that now i feel joyful and clear. so i chalked up our visit to a need to give him the gist of my new reality, such that i could rest on it should i get confused or overwhelmed again and need a touch-up on my generally pleasant state. (i also can't help but hope that my mention of mwo -which he said he'd check out- might get passed on to one of his clients and save his/her life, too. i tell EVERYONE about this place. the world of sufferers of this horrible disease NEEDS to know of this alternative.)

speaking of touch-ups, just as i was saying i think i need a hypno-refresher, just in the nick of time, i put the cd from my guy with the comfy chair and soothing voice into my computer only to find that it's blank. oopsie. so now i'm back to my old habits again. and i don't give much of a fuck. for now, i'm a smoker. i'll ask him for another cd, or/and try murph's link thank you dear, and maybe go see him yet again (afterall, he guarantees his work, and it does seem to work, though maybe only with the boosters). there are so many obvious reasons why i would want to be a non-smoker again. and i have so much hope that i will again, and soon. i'm not going to add guilt to this heap of hot mess.

speaking of guilt, that is what i forgot to delve into w my shrink. durrr. but i think it pretty much goes back to my father. (i mean, really, who is it hurting that i didn't stake the tomatoes and now they're mostly rotting in the beautiffully-mulched ground that surrounds them? who?! so i'm a planter not a harvester. who gives a fuck?! why is that bad?!)

speaking of my father (dontcha just love all of my rad segues?! and mixed punctuation marks?!), my always-right (except, perhaps, about gayness) psychic said that my dad will probably die within three years, and quickly. the latter is a good thing, as who wants a long-drawn-out situation of that nature? the former leaves me with pretty mixed and uncomfortable feelings, and i'll leave it at that. (in fact, this morning dad told me he was off for some medical tests, some of which are post-cancer-related, some are to check his thyroid 'cause he had radiation as a teen for zits and now has issues w his throat.) but the 'news' inspires me to be pro-active in my communication with him; to be authentic and direct, in a loving way. there's some healing i need to do around him, and i'd better do it now. for me and for him. a couple of weeks ago i was assertive in a way that is not characteristic of me to be with him, and it felt VERY VERY good. i kid you not, i felt like a much BIGGER GIRL after that exchange. my confidence went up yet another notch, and i felt lighter and freer. though it will be hard to tell him that he is a damaged, obese miser, it will also be cathartic. i trust he'll get something out of it, too.

oh boy, it's way past my bed time (yes, petey, you're right about my pillow pleasure preference). i'll go have my last smoke (for today), and rest my mind, sink it into some good soft mud of junky tv. (sure is nice not to rely on beer or vodka to put me to sleep anymore. good god!) i've watched my last spooky episode of 'medium', and so i'm onto the american 'the office', which people swear is hilarious. i like hilarious.

and i love you. thanks for reading. (can't wait to catch up on all of your lovely threads sometime soon...)
xo rudy ru

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

Wow, another great post Rudy :l.

As for this:

why, one might ask, would i even be tempted by ale if i've, supposedly, switched? could be cause i switched around 190 and have gone down to 160 (duhh). or could be because the beast lurks no matter what (doubt it). could be that the famous switch is not as solid as we would hope, not for all of us. i bet it could be if i went back up, maybe even higher, but i'm not willing to do that. i'm thrilled to be se-free again. and i really don't care if i drink some sometimes. it doesn't bother me one whit, so long as it's not a preoccupation that leaves me hungover the next day. fact is, i've tried to get drunk a few times since switch(ish) in april, but i can't. i can't get it down fast enough? i don't want to? it's not vodka anymore and beer's too filling? i've no idea. combination of all, i'd guess. good. glad not to be a drunk anymore, ever.

Spot on girly! A very healthy and dare I say normal attitude to booze. The post-bac, abstinence nazis will be fuming at the very thought, mind you. But who cares if they sit there cracking their ever-whiter knuckles? We've all got to find our own paths and our own solutions and I think you've settled on a damn good one.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

thanks murph, for helping me to feel safe posting the true of what's going on with me and my relationship with alcohol. if i had one wish for the suffering addicts of the world, it would be (--ok, two wishes): that they have a friend as supportive as you, and that they find baclofen. we're fortunate folk around here, we who have found a way out. aren't we?

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

this evening, beer almost ruined my night

all the way home i kept hearing that pesky voice saying that i might want to stop and get beer. i kept fending it off witout effort, like fending off a fragile gadfly tickling my forearm, harmless and dispatchable, no problem.

but then, after my less-than-four-mile-this-time run, and a cool-off shower, i went to pick up my son at his school, just about five pm, where i found him contentedly playing in the sandbox. it had occurred to me, as i said, to get beer on my way home. but i ruled it out, didin't really want it. then again, on my way to pick up my son, after having been on my run and at home for a few minutes, i heard the suggestion from those horrible tentacles in my mind. but both times, more than once each time, i brushed off the idea that i really wanted to buy beer. i didn't want to drink it, why would i buy it? it was true to who i was at those moments, utterly true to skip the act altogether, the act of stopping in for bottles of that formerly-beloved brew.

but as we were leaving the parking lot of my son's school, a wild hair invaded my brain, such that i turned right instead of left and went to the beer store, just in case i felt like having an ale in a little while. and so i did; i stopped and bought, and so i had an ale later.

but first, then, when we were parking at the beer store, my son went ape shit as i told him i'd buy him a treat, but not a sugary junky one. only a salty chips one, or gum. he stared me down and said he'd buy a sweet treat. i insisted that he'd do no such thing, but i let him accompany me into the store just the same, with my minimal hopes that he'd come around and choose some nice kettle cooked chips we could share on a peaceful ride home. we went into the store (the 'beer store'), and he proceeded right to the junky-sweet-treat shelves. i tried to redirect him, to no avail. when i checked out w my vt organic india pale ale, i asked the middle-eastern cashier propietor to please reshelve the junky hard-candy fake-colored and -flavored 'treats' g had selected, as we wouldn't be buying them.

my son sobbed tremendously in his pathetic bedraggled steps to the car. i carried him the final paces into his seat. he made loud noise about the injustice of my not having bought him anything. he cried wee wee wee, all the way home. and i didn't cave. didn't turn around an go back as he implored me to do, to buy him something 'cause i was so mean and didn't buy him something the first time around. i didn't smack him upside the head. i didn't even raise my voice. i must say, i handled myself quite brilliantly, thank you very much.

except for the part about buying the beer, even though i had reminded myself a hundred times that i didn't really want it. about that part i have some reflecting to do. what i've got so far is that perhaps i can't be on this low (160 mg) dose of baclofen. i've gone and bought beer and have drunk most of it. not the two or so bottles i meant to drink. almost all of it. six ten-ounce bottles. eeek. i'm slipping on that slope again, and it's a little scary.

ok, so, whaddo i do? think what i'll do is go back up to 180 and try that on for a few days, maybe four or five. starting tomorrow. mom will be here in two days. i can sleep and rest extra and run and write and have her help me in all kindsa ways. it's the perfect time to go up. and i sure as hell don't want to go down, back down that scarily-slippery slope of alcohol dependency. i guess i mean STAY down, as obviously it's not serving my purpose to be at 160. my switch was, i think, 190. (durrr. i'm mad at myself that i don't remember exactly.)

gues i was feeling a bit cavalier, going down so much so soon after a questionable switch. but, as those of you who have been following my process know, i was running scared from the se's. it's all a wild process, this of fixing our minds to outrun or slay or however-we're-doing-it-to the beast. wild goose chase this all, maybe. but worth it in light of the alternative.

it's so wonderful to be able to share it all here.

i have my life, my home, my son, all snuggled up together. could've been a lot worse.

...in the end, when we got home, my son settled into some good food and a nice, slightly-too-old-for-him animated video on netflix, and all was well.

imperfections in process and choices notwithstanding, i did okay today.

love y'all. thanks for caring.
rudy ru

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

RudyB;1175895 wrote: wow! how 'bout them applers?! and there's other stuff too, lately, that tells me we're on a good track
I meant to quote what you wrote about your students, too. It brought a big fat smile to my saggy tired face. (saggy and tired but gettin' some smarts, so it's all good. ftr.)
I'm just thinkin' out loud here, but do you think maybe it's you, my friend?
Gotta find that student stuff... You say it yourself. I surely love that about my life now. Even when I forget, it's only briefly, and I eventually remember I get to decide. We get to decide. Just about everything. Finally! woop woop!

RudyB;1177278 wrote:

why, one might ask, would i even be tempted by ale if i've, supposedly, switched? could be cause i switched around 190 and have gone down to 160 (duhh). or could be because the beast lurks no matter what (doubt it). could be that the famous switch is not as solid as we would hope, not for all of us. i bet it could be if i went back up, maybe even higher, but i'm not willing to do that. i'm thrilled to be se-free again. and i really don't care if i drink some sometimes. it doesn't bother me one whit, so long as it's not a preoccupation that leaves me hungover the next day. fact is, i've tried to get drunk a few times since switch(ish) in april, but i can't. i can't get it down fast enough? i don't want to? it's not vodka anymore and beer's too filling? i've no idea. combination of all, i'd guess. good. glad not to be a drunk anymore, ever.

ah, yes. The post-indifference carousel. I like your conclusion, too, Ru.

RudyB;1177631 wrote: thanks murph, for helping me to feel safe posting the true of what's going on with me and my relationship with alcohol. if i had one wish for the suffering addicts of the world, it would be (--ok, two wishes): that they have a friend as supportive as you, and that they find baclofen. we're fortunate folk around here, we who have found a way out. aren't we?

Amen.
:l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

RudyB;1175650 wrote:
kids at school are not beasts this year. i have grown very lucky!
...
'cause this year i can handle my shit in-house.

You go girl. You're makin' your own luck, now. It's very inspiring!

(btw, and please don't take this the wrong way, although there really is only one way to take it... I think your psychic is, um, maybe not the best ...um, well. I think she may be missing a clue or two. Poor x-b. :H)

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

hmmm. We cross posted. It's always been a little unreal to me. The not drinking thing, versus the drinking thing. Bleep once said he had drinking thoughts, as opposed to thoughts about drinking (or something.) and it took me a really long time to get that.
Anyway, maybe that's for tomorrow's post.
I got drunk about a month after indifference. Scared me and made me cry. Went up and down and found an okay place and stayed there. And then it happened again. That time was kinda fun, but I still felt terrible about it.
Bottom line? It all becomes less and less of a thing, Ruby. And week by week it--the thoughts, the worry, the everything about alcohol evaporates a bit. The beast becomes ethereal, maybe.

Sorry you drank, and too much, maybe. Hope you feel okay about it. Sleep tight.
:l

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

aw, you cutie ne. yeah, about the psychic. it's hard to post about her without fearing there will be scepticism galore about that whole business. understood, if there is, totally. 'poor x-b' i can only take that you mean the not-gay ex bf. am i right? well, i suspect that deep underneath all his other unsorted shit he may have some homosexuality going on. but it's not driving who he is nor who he is not. i do think she -the psychic- sees the essence of things, though maybe not always how they translate into current, material life. dunno. don't need to. alls i know is that through weird dances with the likes of said ex bf, i'm learning so much about what i need and don't need in a relationship with a man, such that i'll not in future waste much time sorting the details one-by-one with random guys. the gay or not-gay ex bf has been good practice for me at sorting this shit out. and, not insignificantly, a friend who has heard me air just about every step of my process into sobriety. though he is neither articulate nor dynamic in his responses to my story, 'tis good to have a soundboard who cares, 'tis it not? well, we here would know, wouldn't we?

anyway, did you have something else entirely that you were trying to convey to me, ne? please don't be shy. i can take it. and would love to.

ok, here i go to proof my last post. i hope i haven't written anything too crazy...

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

yeAH, ne, thanks for that post just there. i actually do feel more or less okay about having drunk a sixer for the first time in a while. i don't feel drunk. i think i'll sleep okay. i'll probably feel worse tomorrow because of it, no doubt, than i would had i gone with my initial instinct not to drink. indeed i will. but i will still love myself, and continue on this positive swing in my life. it's just that, i've decided just now, instead of tomorrow, today i will go up to 180 mg. cause i long to be in that place of indifference again. that place which i think i left about a week ago, when i dropped my dose by 40 mg.

it's helpful to record this stuff. sheesh. rocket science baclofen is not! but there are some patterns from which we can learn.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

RudyB;1177664 wrote: rocket science baclofen is not!

Nah. Wish it was that simple.

Yes, that was what (or to whom) I was referring!
Bac(k) to the books for me.
Nighters.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

nighters, sugarcakes! ain't it good to bury into books and learn stuff?!

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

Ruby, don't sweat it. I think Dr L is right; we have to stick at, or close to, our switch dose. I've tried, more than once, to drop down below my 150-175 switch dose and it's not worked out. I've been titrating down from a crazy high of 325 (why the fuck I went up there is a story I will post on my thread soon if I can be arsed) and this week dropped down to 135. I was fine on 150, but on 135 I felt the beast's breath hot on my neck, so I immediately upped it to 175 and now I'm fine again. You've done the right thing: upped your dose. No problemo (that's Spanish that is, or French...same thing), you'll be fine. You'll find the SEs this time are nothing compared with when you originally reached your switch. It always gets easier.

[Bruunhilde]

just got my own bac!

Hang in there Ruby, we care and we relate. I'm glad we're also seeing a pattern with everyone that indicates a certain level, different for each person, needs maintaining to stay clean. I hope someday to be able to get to those doses.

Is it true for all of you guys that you go up to a higher dose than your maintenance dose happens to be? And does that maintenance dose level need tweaking over time due to the body getting too much bac tolerance?