just got my own bac!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

well that was the scariest fucking ride home from work i've ever had. all day i felt so out of it, like my brain and my eyes were swimming. i couldn't even walk straight at moments. so i took a 5 hr energy drink and that seemed to help a bit, at least w the feeling that i was going to fall asleep, but my head still feels swimmy. i've been up to 110 mgs for about 3 days. i'm hoping that this frightful se mellows out soon.

the good news is, i'm in no mood to drink. drove right by the bottle store without a thought of pulling in to make a purchase. so i'm hopeful that this will all pay off. today will be my first day af in weeks i think. i can't believe how bad my drinking has gotten, bad in the sense that i've become - i became - a daily drinker. it's as if i knew i would soon be saved from myself, rather, from the bitch demon who took over my head, so i let loose and drank like there was no tomorrow. at that rate, there would have been no tomorrow... so good for bac, for probably saving my life.

i've also possibly had a tick bite, and am concerned about lime disease. wouldn't that be a shitty thing to add to the mix?! guess i'll look into the meds mixing thread to see if, should i need antibiotics, i'll have a problem.

thanks for your input murphy. no worries about unsexy. i am feeling refreshingly unsexy these days, so won't be inviting anyone into bed with me.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

i wonder if i'm near the switch. i hope this disinterest in al lasts and lasts and lasts and lasts for the rest of my life. if cravings don't resurface, should i stay at this 110 mg dose indefinitely? (maybe i should know the answr to this, but i can't keep track of all the ins and outs.)

thanks for caring.

i feel so different today, a very unfamiliar feeling. it's like melancholy without the sadness, though i know that's an oxymoron. maybe i'm a little numb (which is better than pining after a gay guy!). anyway, i'm thrilled not to be stinking of liquor for my son, having him watch me sip gulp sip gulp. but i am letting him play video games cause i don't have the energy for swing pushing. i'm a less-bad mother than i was yesterday, at least.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

Rudy,
You might be near the switch.

The SEs are dose dependent. That means that they can knock you around, after everything runs along smoothly for a bit. The good news is that they are often alleviated if you go up. I know, I know, it is completely counterintuitive.
(dammit. i forgot. sorry. back to bac...)
it might not seem to make sense, but more often than not my SEs reduced dramatically when I went up.

i also wonder, as has been broached many times, in less than satisfactory ways, if stress exacerbates SEs. i suspect that may be the case, in my case. Worry and fear in particular. it's the dysfunction in the amygdala we're after, after all. so...

there were many, many times that it was a wash for me. Meaning that the SEs I was dealing with were coupled with renewed hope for the end. And hope wins. that's the really really good news.

stay okay. you're okay. so am i. whew. i had to check several times today. seriously.
(i tried. .)
xo
ne

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

think about the dexterity your kid is developing. and the fact that by the time he's 13 he will know more than you ever have or ever will about computers. and the fact that you have many, many years to offer him swinging. sober. with these short months in the far distant past. not that he'll always appreciate it. plus it's too damn hot. here, anyway.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

murph gets sexier every day, doesn't he? i still love him. but shh. don't tell. mrs. murph must be pretty fierce to put up with him. she'd kick my ass. or maybe she'd stick him on the next boat to virginia. since he doesn't fly. (wtf?) and i've got enough to deal with. plus i don't know how to make vegimite sandwiches. and i'd laugh at him when he came out of the bathroom in curlers with a breatheright strip on his nose. i heard he wears kitten heels too.
and we don't have any sheep here and my dog is too pretty. she likes to do the humping. i think she might bite him. on principle.

[moglor]

just got my own bac!

i'd suggest staying at your current dose if you've reached indifference for quite some time, probably as long as you can, unless your serious side effects persist. i stayed at mine for only a couple weeks, tapered down significantly, and had predictable (fail) results. this time around, i'm going to stay at my switch dose for several months.

in terms of the deranged sleep, breathing problems and feeling out of it today, how much did you drink last night? i've had that experience with bac many times where even a little drinking (where i don't feel drunk, but 8-10 beers) is enough to give me that detached head feeling the next day. add on top of that mild nicotine poisoning from smoking too much when you're not used to it plus al and nicotine withdrawal, and you're definitely looking at some hurt the next day.

hope you feel better soon. way to go on 1 day af!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

on itouch so shorrt post
do u think i shld go up20mg. have been at 110 for 3 days

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

nope. stick tight and stay close.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

thanks. will prob go up in a couple few days as i have been doing. now i really go get son away fm screen

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

i'm scared to go to sleep. my body feels weird. fluttery but very relaxed. thanks for the input that i won't die. i think i''ll get one of the nose things murphy mentioned. hope i don't need a 'script for it.

sweet dreams all. if you don't hear from me soon, send an ambulance.

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

RudyB;1123633 wrote: i wonder if i'm near the switch. i hope this disinterest in al lasts and lasts and lasts and lasts for the rest of my life. if cravings don't resurface, should i stay at this 110 mg dose indefinitely? (maybe i should know the answr to this, but i can't keep track of all the ins and outs.) Some people get a hugely reduced craving to drink from a pre-switch level of bac but they still have to use some willpower not to have one and when they do give in they end up getting rat-arsed. That may be what is happening with you. It's good...GREAT...but not sustainable in the long term and you will need to continue on up. Maybe not much further though. Either way it's looking good and you're doing great.

RudyB;1123633 wrote: anyway, i'm thrilled not to be stinking of liquor for my son, having him watch me sip gulp sip gulp. but i am letting him play video games cause i don't have the energy for swing pushing. i'm a less-bad mother than i was yesterday, at least.And that's something you should be justly proud of and when you get this sorted out permanently, you can walk tall and positively beam with pride knowing you've done such an important thing for your son's future. He's a lucky boy.

Ne/Neva Eva;1123654 wrote: plus i don't know how to make vegimite sandwiches.

vegemite???? I'm not a bloody Australian!!!! We have the original and far superior version: marmite.

RudyB;1123662 wrote: thanks. will prob go up in a couple few days as i have been doing. now i really go get son away fm screen

Don't worry, he's probably just looking at porn. Give me his email addy and I'll send him links to some German midget scat porn. :H

Don't worry the world can breathe a sigh of relief that I don't have any children (that I know of fnaar fnaar) to bring up in my fucked up image.

RudyB;1123704 wrote: i'm scared to go to sleep. my body feels weird. fluttery but very relaxed. thanks for the input that i won't die. i think i''ll get one of the nose things murphy mentioned. hope i don't need a 'script for it.

sweet dreams all. if you don't hear from me soon, send an ambulance.

Don't say things like that, now I'm waiting to see you post again.

They sell those nose strips in supermarkets here, so you shouldn't need a script. Ask a pharmacist if you can't find them.

I think it was Tracy who used to deal with it by sleeping sitting up. I've never tried that and I can't help thinking my head would just fall forward and cut my breathing off, but hey, it might be worth a try.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

2:30 am here and have slept a wink or two, but mythroat keeps closing and i wake up. i'd rather just stay awake and run on adrenaline cause it's scary. think i'll try the tracy thing though...

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

john, somehow i missed your post earlier. thanks for your supportiveness. i fucking need it bad right now. all kinda crazy shit happening here and i wish i could cure it with curses cause that's all i wanna fucking do goddammit.

night before yesterday i drank my usual pint of vod. felt un-drunk. woke up un-hungover. had the most fucked up day headwise so far. spacey. couldn't conjugate a fucking verb. embarrassed the shit and piss outta myself in front of those teens who must've thought i was on drugs (sheesh, i was! bac only, folks.) at one point, forcing the coffee down by miserable sips, a student said to me, 'miss, that was really creepy.' another boy chimed in, 'looks like you were drinking vodka or something.' i said no, i was feeling strange. durrr. next time i'll have on teh tip of my bac tongue 'i have a bad hheadache.' at least i didn't say 'i'm not drinking vodka at the mo, but i'm taking these weird pills so that i don't drink it ever again and they make me feel stoned.' phew.

fuck. i may not sleep a wink. please share more, folks, about your sleep weirdness. but at least i haven't had a drink and i think i won't tomorrow either. i feel fucking done with taht fucking bitch demon puta whore asshole fucking al ka hall.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

and, it feels distinctly like my throat is collapsing. and i have these rushes in my ears and am seeing weird flashes, while eyes are closed. surges of energy. this too shall pass, right folks? HELLLL-puh!
would love to take the day off tomorrow but don't know if i should because i've missed so much work this year but thank god for a strong union cause the admin CANT say anything to me if i do and it'd be better to stay home than crash my car and die. sorry for the 2nd death remark.

but at least i won't die from sleep freekabombdigityfuckindeee. thanks for taht hopeful note. NEED IT!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

thanks murphy 4 humor and lovin' up about momness. son found this great porn site w shaved goats eating -u guessed it- placenta!! how cool is that? we're both on trak here. now, i'm off to sit up and mabe sleep. must wake in 3 hrs.