just got my own bac!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

bleep;1120885 wrote: Is, i'm trying to mouse with my left hand as a result of your post. man, it's tricky.

You don't need a mouse if you've got a mac.

[bleep]

just got my own bac!

maybe you don't need a mouse, but what's with all the capitals? how many shift keys are you forced to contend with on this machine of yours? clearly too many...

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

the house goat didn't eat it, goats are vegetarians. i wanted to take it home and bury it under a tree or something, but i forgot to ask for it. but i remembered the baby.

thanks murph for reminding me that the past is irrelevant. i'm sure stuck in it lately.

the school year ends for me on june 24. not soon enough.

i've just gone up from 90 to 110 mg and i'm feeling like i'm slogging through mud. i'm still drinking, too, though no more than before, so it's not that. i can tell the difference btwn a hangover and some kinda wild se. i wonder if i should go back down to 90, but i don't want to! (just went up to 110 yest.) coffee might help.

ne, i appreciate the advice on the young eye candy. i have one of my bald boyfriends on the back burner. he's pretty sexy, and always willing to have sex (if his car isn't broken). i don't think there's any harm in it, and rather that than look for mister right right now. he's nothin that's gonna preoccupy me. might just do the trick. if i need the trick. oh, and unlike my ex bf, he tells me i'm sexy and beautiful and kisses me like crazy. now ain't that just basic courtesy? which i deserve. never will settle for less again. i will see red flags from here forward, and heed them.

happy monday folks. gonna try to make it a sober one. my face is so red! and i'm definitely less skinny. vanity prevails.
xo rudy

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

just read this quote from a book by h.b. jeffery, the fruit of the spirit: "never withhold the kind word which opportunity offers for you to speak; for it may cause a new birth in the life of some wayfarer - opening his eyes to new vistas, and directing his feet toward the very path that leads to the purpose for which he was born.... a simple, gentle act of kindness may remould a life and lift someone from a place of mediocrity and ineffectiveness to a sphere of great nobility and power."

a lot of you do that for me and others here. good graciousness and thank you!

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

Rudy, you do trapeze? And you run/work out? So you're both fit and presumably flexible. Why didn't your ex bf want to have sex with you? He must be gay.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

thanks murph. once again, i think you're spot on. don't know why it took me so long to trust my instinct on this one. but time marches forward, and the past doesn't matter.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

i discovered something today that made me realize that all of that dwelling and stewing in a headspace of sorrow over my ex bf, a truly confused and melancholy state, may have had something to do with hormones. i'll avoid giving tmi in honor of the potentially squeamish lads on the forum; i'll keep it simple and say that it was that time of month. and today, especially after my 'discovery', i feel liberated. the grip my emotions had on me has loosened and gone. i'm sure the lassies here know just what i'm talking about.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

also, to keep you and meself abreast of what i'm going through re: bac: i'm feeling much less urgency about drinking. i don't feel i 'need' it anymore, but i still do it. it feels like the force of habit. and i feel like i'm not 'trying' hard enough to get sober. i know i've said that before. it's as if i'm putting the drug (bac) to the test, and wanting it to do my 'work' for me. any input on the experience is always welcome...

[moglor]

just got my own bac!

For awhile I totally used bac as a crutch and an excuse to drink. "Oh, I'll just check and see if I can only drink a couple." My particular pattern of drinking was that one beer invariably turns into 20, and there really is no moderation. Bac didn't change that at all.

I definitely recognized the force of habit within myself. Boredom is a huge trigger, when I'm sitting around the house by myself doing nothing, the habit is deeply ingrained to go get some beer to wile away the evening. This has by far been the hardest pattern to break.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

SPOOKY! oh my god, i had that sleep apnea thing again. i hate it. am gonna make all effort to go sober tonight. drank last night, which is usual for me, didn't feel a bit drunk, and smoked a ton, like 8 - 10 cigarettes. feeling a bit asthmatic. this morning, 4:30ish, that groaning sound woke me up, probably saved my life. like i was scraping a breath from the top of my lungs, just in time. i was afraid to go back to sleep, but i was so deeply relaxed it was impossible not to. i don't like this se! chime in please, folks~!

and wish me luck for my first al free night in probably weeks. sheesh.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

i guess it's obvious but my thinking is that if i smoke and drink less, maybe the breathing thing will alleviate itself somewhat. makes me fucking terrified to go up in my dose.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

RudyB;1123337 wrote: this morning, 4:30ish, that groaning sound woke me up, probably saved my life. like i was scraping a breath from the top of my lungs, just in time.
...
i don't like this se!
...
and wish me luck for my first al free night in probably weeks. sheesh.

Rudy, deep breath. (pun intended. sorry.) It's not going to kill you. How do I know? Because breath is a fundamental requirement for life and your body will keep doing it period. And it's happened to me over and over and over and... again. I don't even think about it anymore. I couldn't tell you the last time it happened. It may be that it's been awhile. It may be that I just don't notice it. I take a deep breath, roll over (or not) and go bac to sleep. I'm not making light. It scared the shit out of me for a while. Fortunately it doesn't happen often, isn't regular, and isn't life-threatening.

Going up is always nerve-wracking for me. I'm a nervous nellie. I also have been sorely punished by bac, though, and I am good at learning through negative reinforcement with everything except booze. Stay the course. Bottom line? You can't get to indifference until you get to indifference. Half measures avail us nothing. (sorry. again. and :H for those who don't know, that's an AA thing.)

oh, geez. sorry about the caps. i WILL get better at respecting the rules around here. someday. when pigs fly. and i get sober. oh. wait. pigs somewhere, somehow, are flying. because i'm sober.

good luck!!!
love,
Ne

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

thanks ne! deep breath. off to see my 14 yr old angels...

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

I'm off to class, too!

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

Rudy, I agree with Ne; sleep apnoea (you Americans can?t spell anything properly) probably won?t kill you, well not right away, but?hey, there?s no need to go into all that just yet.

I sometimes get it due to an old injury to my nose (which the crappy fucking surgeon bastard didn?t fix properly!!!!!!) and what I do is make sure my airways are as open as possible. That way if it does all start to shut down it won?t cause a big problem. I try to sleep on my side and with my head tilted slightly back and I wear a nasal strip Breathe Right The pic on the front of the box shows two people in bed, both of them wearing nasal strips. This is cobblers. It is highly unlikely that anyone will ever get into bed with you if you are wearing one of these. It is uber-unsexy. Ho hum!

p.s. I?m not doing the un-capitalisation thing anymore. It?s a pain in the nuts.

Ne, behave in class and no spit-balls!