just got my own bac!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

i have enough leafy greans in my garden to make a big dish of it~ this time without the shmaltz. they're volunteers from last year, how cool is that?!

i'm feeling pretty discouraged, but not giving up. i am bone tired, of a buzzing spinny nature, this going on a couple of weeks now. i get dizzy sometimes, and bump into things. i seem positively to be a stoner at work. the kids, though, have gotten used to it by now, i suppose.

i hallucinate, too. i wake up -usually briefly- and upon opening my eyes i see flashes of color and, most magically, twice last night i saw brambly sticks waving just outside my window, bottom right corner. there is no tree nearby.

my son screams about a new video game. i am truly letting him fuck up his brain. i am a terrible mother, but less so than before.

he's tired, so am i, but my mind is churning. more later, to be sure.

[bleep]

just got my own bac!

Those all sound quite "normal" Rudy. Perhaps they are from excessive gardening?

And kids' brains are resilient things, he'll be fine.

[TimberTim]

just got my own bac!

Sorry to say, but I have felt stoned for the past 3 months. Now that I have switched, I am hoping that will subside as I titrate down. My wife thinks it's funny. Sometimes I'm really stupid.

I had an incident over the weekend. I was working on some repairs on my new house and I would grab a tool from my tool bucket, put it down some where, and then forget where i had put it. Very frustrating.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

thanks for your support, folks. tim, i'm right there with you. wish i had a forgiving wife (husband, really), but my ex is anything but, and as i'm taking care of his son ninety percent of the time, i have to watch my p's and q's quite vigilantly. he's a very fearful man, so if i misstep, he notices!

i laid (nope, ne, it's not 'lied') in bed for a good half hour just now and to no avail. so i'm taking this as a marvelous opportunity to write while my son sleeps, rejeuvenating his resilient brain. i shall not worry about how much more tired i'll be as a result -by mid morning; they have those toxic five hour energy drinks to (barely) help with that. and today is the last day of school with the students!

i am also having auditory hallucinations. i woke with a start last night, as there was a loud bark in my ear (no dogs anywhere near). and not my imagination at all: i also woke myself with a gentle growling deep in my throat, phlem fighting with air to keep me breathing. and i swear that i WAS awake when i was dreaming that i was wearing a fabulous new pair of jeans that everyone was, in my imagination, admiring. then, i looked down and they had a tacky applique on the left calf. the horror! i was shocked to then discover that it was all just rem sleep. (rem, btw, is my initials. fitting, i think. i've always been quite a dreamer, but bac has taken it to a whole new level.)

in my 4 am search for a blank notebook, i found a card from my deceased nana, who couldn't attend my bridal shower. on the front it said something like: 'joy, love, happiness.' inside, she wrote in her beautiful cursive: 'i wish i could be there with you.' that woman fed my soul. with her psychich cornwall (england) roots, she always KNEW what i needed. she is with me, to be sure. holding my hand on this sometimes-scary ride.

sometimes i wonder if i'll miss this 20-yr struggle with alcohol. i've grown so used to it. actually, i don't wonder that much at all, but it was a query that flitted through my mind a few hours ago. i think i won't miss it. i am becoming very excited about all of the things i will accomplish when i no longer plan my life -avoid my life- around drinking. that is, if bac will let me.

EDIT ON 9/18/11: i can't believe my confidence in grammar! i've put 'laid' where 'lay' should've been!

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

RudyB;1130560 wrote:
i laid (nope, ne, it's not 'lied')

Actually you lay in bed. Sorry to bring up the whole lie/lay/laid thing again.:H

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

oh my god! you're right. guess i should still be laying in bed!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

,,,or do i mean lying in bed? oh who cares!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

yeah, lying in bed. guess i do care. forgive me, my father was fastidious about these things, and you can't take the grammar nazi outta the girl.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

RudyB;1130560 wrote:
toxic five hour energy drinks to (barely) help with that.
Be wary of those, will you? Terryk attributes them (possibly) with some issues he had while titrating up. i can't remember the exact combination or the consequences, but if terryk says it or even thinks it, i pay attention. no energy drinks for me! coffee. and LOTS of it.

RudyB;1130560 wrote: i also woke myself with a gentle growling deep in my throat, phlem fighting with air to keep me breathing.
this made me lol. i've had the same experience. but what made me laugh is that there was a time when ignominious suggested this growling technique as a way to keep panic at bay. someone else chimed in about the vagal nerve or something... anyhoo. it worked for me, in no small part because i got it as a gift from a friend on mwo who was trying to help me when it all sucked so badly that i thought i would cry. and did. often. pfffft.

RudyB;1130560 wrote: she always KNEW what i needed. she is with me, to be sure. holding my hand on this sometimes-scary ride.

it's amazing how many people are out there, cheering you on and learning from you. you wouldn't believe it actually. but it's true. and those of us who are now lurking rather than obsessively posting are often still obsessively lurking. old habits, as you know, die hard. but this is one i'm happy to have! i just simply can't post... but someone should keep the lurkers entertained and you are very, very good at that. 'course they might be concerned about grammatical mistakes and such, which brings me to the next point:

RudyB;1130578 wrote: you can't take the grammar outta the girl.

amen sister, and thank goodness for that! but i'm glad i don't really care anymore, or each post would take me that much longer and i talk to damn much. i mean too. too. too damn much.

RudyB;1130560 wrote: sometimes i wonder if i'll miss this 20-yr struggle with alcohol. i've grown so used to it. actually, i don't wonder that much at all, but it was a query that flitted through my mind a few hours ago. i think i won't miss it. i am becoming very excited about all of the things i will accomplish when i no longer plan my life -avoid my life- around drinking. that is, if bac will let me.

hmmm. what a wonderful thing to muse about, isn't it. yes and no for a Ne. it is so exciting you won't believe it. it's also mundane and boring and fraught and blah-de-blah. if you can get excited about doing the dishes after dinner, rather than the next morning, then you can plan on a life full of excitement!

and YES my dear friend, bac will let you. in fact, if you will let bac, bac will give it to you.
love and more love,
Ne

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

thanks for your thoughtful response, ne. i've missed you terribly, but no guilt in that statement!

my son asked me this morning: "why do you never cry, mama?" i think crying would be good for me, but i just don't do it much. i yelp and holler, but i don't sob. i know the sobs are in here somewhere - there's a torrent that won't come out.

examples of reasons to cry but instead i rage internally and briefly, and then move on to things i can handle like finding the car key and my wallet: my ex won't move his shit out of my garage and workshop, and he is a hoarder and the garage door is broken open; my boiler, washer, dryer, and furnace are all broken; my gay (bi?) ex bf hints at liking me that way again, he even kissed me on the lips yesterday (!) - confusing; my car window and key are broken and the caliper is about to go; my job is grueling - i'm a ring master, not a teacher; my house is in chaos and needs deep cleaning and paint; daniel craig never called about the shag.

...but, i need to shower and throw laundry in at the neighbors', so i can go to my son's last-day-of-pre-k ceremony and potluck (i'm making mac and cheese, homemade, no shmaltz). for that i am truly blessed.

anyone want to chime in on the 5 hr energy drinks?

[taw]

just got my own bac!

So much of your last couple posts ring so true with me...we should have chatted at 4 am...I was a awake too...breathing and gurgling issues...the thing too...I had to keep getting up to make sure the TV was off...after about 10 times I convinced myself it was...My head feels like BumbleBee from Transformers with all the sounds and song clips constantly playing!

Have you figured out any sleep solutions yet? Advil PM did not work for me at all...Calms is not working any more...maybe will have to try benedry....

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

Alrighty roo, rubyD.

First off. The gay ex-b may just be a knucklehead. you have it rather third-hand that he likes boys, right? so.... that said, what are you doing kissing him on the lips? shouldn't he be earning your attention at this point? THAT said, whatever... distract yourself away. seriously.

which brings me to the big point. the BIG point. this is not an exaggeration, or a story to make a point. this is truth:

6 months ago my bedroom was partly painted. I started it sometime last spring, hated the color and never finished it. It's a not-so-great yellow, right now, but much improved from the dingy-rental-white and sloppily and partially applied blue gray.

My kitchen was bright orange and lovely peach. I hated both colors. I've painted it twice since February. It's right now.

I have organized every cabinet and pantry and closet in this house, except one. Ditto the rooms.

I make 25% of what I made from Sept to May. Those months I made 50% of what I made the prior couple of years. For many, many reasons, and in spite of all expectations, we are somehow making this work. It's scary, but it's real and we're managing.

I could go on and on about the things I couldn't do then, and the things I can do now. (Not the least of which is that I can (mostly) prioritize.) Starting with doing the dishes right after dinner, and ending with the fact that I can do what I promise to do when I promise to do it. And I promise to do a lot for a lot of people, including myself.

So. Sobbing works for me. Stoicism works for others. It makes no never-mind, you know?

The ex-h is on his way out, so is his shit. Divorcing sucks worse than bac. With a similar promise of freedom awaiting.

You will find a way to take care of life's little stuff, and find the money to take care of the bigger ones.

There is more than just sobriety at the end of the line. Sobriety lends itself to an entirely new dimension. Honestly, it's not always comfortable. But it's ALWAYS better than the way I was.

I simply can't stick around. :boohoo: Reference the aforementioned slack of employment! I've got to carry my weight around here in 3D land! It's fun, too, though.

Eyes on the goal, and work together my friends! Lots of people out there waiting to hear from YOU!

Love,
Karen

[bleep]

just got my own bac!

I just chimed in on Taw's thread with the same advice for those struggling with tiredness. the answer is simple if your schedule permits - take some naps. baclofen doesn't let you sleep for long, as such it is custom designed for the napper. there is actually a style of sleeping like this, if i remember correctly leonardo da vinci used it, clearly to great effect.

rudy, cry away, but have good reasons. daniel craig apparently now works in a bank, who wants to shag a teller?

ne, if i was doing dishes and repainting my house, i'd be sobbing too. do some fun things with your zoom zoom, ffs.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

taw, my sleeping is no longer an issue, except that i can't keep awake during the day!

as w you and your tv, i am a bit ocd with my car key. twice recently i've left it in the ignition, once having the saintly neighbor drive me to work. bless him. now, i check six or seven times before bed to make sure that i haven't left the key in the ignition. in the morning, i rush out to my car in a panic to make sure i didn't leave the key in the ignition.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

the ex bf kissed me on the lips, quickly. it was a surprise. i did not try to make it last, just ftr. i am not a masochist (anymore).