just got my own bac!

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

Righto Rudy, clearly I mistook your activities as manic attempts to blot out the loss of instant gratification previously provided by booze. Please accept my apologies.

[sjm]

just got my own bac!

I know you can do this, my wildflower girl. You are a perfect precious expression of Spirit. You have all the "tools" you need at hand to blossom into full radiance, and the process is happenin'. Yes, lean on us, AND trust yourself! Thinking of you all day today, with lots of love, MOM

(Murph--Rudy's paternal great great grandmother lived in Ealing over 100 years ago.)

[bleep]

just got my own bac!

Hah. I lived in Ealing when I was 18! For two months, before the landlord cottoned on...

Hold on. I think there might be a difference between Ealing Broadway and the Ealing you are talking about?

[sjm]

just got my own bac!

bleep;1139478 wrote: Hah. I lived in Ealing when I was 18! For two months, before the landlord cottoned on...

Hold on. I think there might be a difference between Ealing Broadway and the Ealing you are talking about?

Rudy's maternal great great grandmother lived in Ealing, on the north edge of London, in 1905...in a house with high ceilings and a long staircase. That's all I know.

[taw]

just got my own bac!

Feeling better today, Rudy?

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

well thanks, taw, for askin. i am. and thanks to all of you significant posters up above.

i realize now that i really was mourning the loss of something that used to make me feel my then version of very good. i didn't know how to 'finish off the day' without my friend. (great words, bleep; i relate to everything you said in that post, and how!) i was bumbling around, unready to go to bed, but dog tired. i smoked extra and i made some calls. i did end up in a lengthy conversation w sis which wound its way around to my drinking and what that has meant for her, and why she hasn't been too available for me on that topic. it was helpful and good, and now we're at a much better understanding of my experience than we were previously. it felt so excellent to be so strong and confident in how i was expressing myself, and what i am doing to get my life cleaned up (on all levels). and, of course, it felt excellent to report that i have lost my interest in drink completely.

last night, after such a shitty day in the land of rubies and honey, i almost packed my son into bed to drive to the beer store and get my old familiar. to chug and guzzle to feel good and finish off the day. but i knew i would regret it, and my son was having such a peaceful transition into sleep mode and wanted to cuddle, so my rational mind prevailed. well wouldja look at that! today i am so very glad that it worked out that way. thanks, bac! you're a true friend.

the summer just got even a whole lot more better. g's playdate went very well. the 12 yr old boy brought his 8 yr old bro, and the three of them got on famously. they were such little gentlemen. they eagerly went out to the kitchen garden to pick parsley for the quesadillas. as they passed the window, i heard one say to the other: 'this is fun!' they encouraged g to eat parsley, and he stuffed it into his mouth. after eating, they said, 'ok, let's clear the table.' in grad school i read a study whose conclusion was that a child's peer group has more influence on his/her development than the family, starting at a much younger age that we usually assume that to be true. so, this is good!

and, they want to come at least twice a week, at regular, set times. oh my god, sanity WILL prevail!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

and that thing about wanting to go out and get the beer, well, it all sucked extra because i KNEW that that wouldn't help, that it wasnt' at all what i really wanted to do. remember my grocery store experience earlier in the eve? the one where the beer didn't even call to me. that was still mostly true; i was just in default mode, and frustrated, and had had a tough day and not much hope. and then i got a good night's sleep. and all is pretty darn well.

murph, thanks for your apology. but it's no big deal. i appreciate your input, even if it's totally fucking wackadoodle.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

so the mulching is almost done, all around the house and in that enormous garden of mine. (extra food here, folks!) so i caught myself wondering what i'll do next to get high. then i remembered that the paths by the stream -and so many other places!- need to be cleared of poison ivy. so i shall suit up and get to it. and i won't be reporting back that i can't type because i'm too itchy. i know how to do this. and it must be done. pi is some serious shit!

the other good news is that a friend wants to rent MY colossal building in which to store and work on his new yacht. money money money money! lawyer says it's a good idea, on balance. i could use the income, and it won't make my case any weaker if i show that, by fluke almost, i can make some use of that structure. you should see it. it's so fucking ostentatious, just like its builder.

onward and upward, folks! thanks for caring.
xo rudyb

[bleep]

just got my own bac!

...and before you know it, your life will be normal. it's a strange new land. it's funny for me to look at my life now, and i'm sure you'll have the same experience. weekends come and are filled with strangely sane activities, like murph frolicking on the downs for example. all the shit you've seen other people do all this time. monday morning is no longer to be feared. it's absolutely fucking wonderful.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

OH MY GOD! my friend will give me roughly $1500 us dollars A MONTH to use that bldg for his boats! that's one AND A HALF times my son's tuition! and starting in september. the universe is miraculous in its timing and its willingness to provide.

things are on a decided UPSWING!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

you're right again, bleep!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

oooh, my ex has another thing coming! he's trying to say he doesn't have to vacate the property until divorce is settled. he forgets that i was being kind to let him stay, and that he had said that he would leave if need be cause we're going to court and it might get uncomfortable. we HAD that conversation and i remember it clear as day. his memory, obviously, is selective.

my lawyer is better than his lawyer, so nya! (she hasn't even filed the papers in court yet, and it has been weeks! so much for his hurry.) and i have the money to fight about it. he hasn't a dime. as usual.

sorry, folks, if this is tmi. but, as murph said, divorce is one of the potentially most stressful things in life. and i'm going through it! guess i got sober just in the nick of time!

[taw]

just got my own bac!

My divorce was the most liberating thing I ever did! But everything was in my name only so it was cut and dry!

Good for you on the rent thing! Send some of that good juju my way!!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

so, here's a narrative of my evening...

driving up to the river to row, i realized just as i passed my ex hub on the road that i had left my laptop on the coffee table, with windows shrunk but not shut down. (he still comes to MY property to teach his martial arts.) i had a moment of panic. i had just typed the above posts, and emailed my lawyer. eek. he's not at all teh type to come into the house when i'm not home, and even less to read my shit. but he had also just gotten some emails from me that i am sure made his jaw clench real tight. (he should really be mad at his lame lawyer, though.)

so, i decided that even if he did read EVERYTHING (which i am sure he didn't), there is nothign incriminating in waht i've written, not even the posts here. (nowhere do i say things like i drove drunk w my son, or taht i passed out on him. cause that shit didn't happen.) but of course, in my mind i was combing through my history here, zoning in on teh 1500 bucks a month, and came up w the conclusion taht all it does is make me look like a smart, together woman who is getting a grip on her life and taking her healing very seriously.

but i hated to think that my sacred space had been invaded by him! again, tho, very likely not, and anyway, i'd love to tell him half the shit i write about him here! i've done so before, but i'd like to again. and will, an am, as necessary.

please don't tell me that was stupid and that i should be more careful. i know this! (hey, i remembered to hide the tiny bit of weed, just in case he did 'pop in' to take a crap cause he never finished his bldg project and the damn thing doesn't even have septic. but home boy smoked every night w a newborn in the house, so he ain't got nothin to say.)

so i decided what i'd do is ask him, point blank, if he went into the house. if he says no but i suspect he's lying, i'll push it. (i'll know if he's lying, and/but i've never known him to do that.) we'll see where it goes, but i'm not concerned anymore.

especially because just after this realization, the song that came on the radio went something like this: 'don't worry, everything's gonna be fine. keep your chin up and let your hair down.' i'll take that as a positive omen.

so then we rowed. and the gal who sat in front of me was the same one i sat behind on our first day out. oh no, i thought. she sucks! this sucks! but right away we got to jokin about divorce and i was instantly content. (she's going through one, too.) we laughed sooo much. well, especially me. when the leader told us to row in synch, i started cracking up and COULD NOT STOP! holy fuck, popeye! the one in the front whom we were supposed to follow kept catching her oar in the water on the return, so it was impossible to synch. that had me in stitches. for at least two minutes. good golly! oh my god was that fun amusement, all of it.

and it's so beautiful to look at the boats from in the creek, and the old broken buildings, and teh rusted machinery. there's an old crane, rusted into uselessness, that is straight out of p d eastman's [i]are you my mother?[I] (you know, that 'ugly pronk' -well, pronk is what it's called in the spanish version.) and it's lovely to watch the families play on the beaches. and there were two dogs frolicking with toys and each other. one looked much like my rosita (before she died).

in the parking lot on my way out, there was a batmobile! it was a black cadillac prob fm the 50's, sunk right to the ground. surely it had some kind of special suspension system. i took photos to show my son, who will be amazed and amused.

on the way home, the songs were great (wdst rocks!). the head and the heart, i go crazy in my mind, or something like that. 10,000 maniac's version of peace train. (natalie merchant's daughter goes to my son's school. she is totally cool. yep, celebrity haven over here.) then, a funky us 3 version of a herbie hancock tune. and in front of me, the sun just going down. and a bumper sticker that said, 'reading is sexy.' i love me my hudson valley!

a beautiful finish to a fine day, folks!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

oh, and a few times in my moments of anxiety on my way to row, i thought, oh, i'd love to have a fast ale later, to cool this heat off! but then, no, wait, i WOULDN"T love that! it holds no appeal any more. a moment of disappointment, where will be my solace?! ...in the lemon-seltzer i will drink, in the words i will write, and in reading my son to sleep.