just got my own bac!

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

OK

But (there's always a but) you're still drinking because it's what you do under certain circumstances, what you've always done. It's your natural and safe fallback.

What are the circumstances causing this reaction? Have you had an awful day at work? No. Have you had a blazing row with your husband? No. Something, anything has gone horribly wrong? NOOOOO!

So what is it?

The trigger, in this case, is a situational one. IMO.

Get away from the trigger, break the habit, return to the situation and the trigger holds less power because the habit is broken.

Going on vacation isn't a failure. Why would you think it is?

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

I'll leave it there.

Soz if I banged on too much.:l

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

...and all the while maintaining utter confidence that i WILL slay this beast, using EVERY part of me, and EVERY resource at my disposal.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

going on vacation is not, imo, a failure. not at all. and i am totally open to doing that, if need be. i just don't want to do it right now. i really don't. if i can't stop the habit, if the triggers are more omnipresent than i realize at the moment and i keep up this stupid ale thing which really isn't all that appealing, then i will escape to another place.

for now, i'll try here. thanks for your concern, though. really.

[taw]

just got my own bac!

so did you go up by 20 or 40 today, Rudy?

[bleep]

just got my own bac!

OK.

but why up your dose?

sorry, couldn't resist. for what it's worth, i think you're both right. the habit thing was a big part of it for me, and still is. i'm comfortable with it now, but it seems to be distressing you rudy. your choices are to break it, which murph is suggesting, or go with it. it's not that hard to break either. do some extra gardening when you want to break out a drink or something. a few days of breaking the habit should set you free, and then see where you stand.

then i'd go on holiday, because they are fun things to go on.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

thank you bleep.

one thing i forgot to mention is that i can't go on holiday because i can't drive for long periods. that would be cruel and unusual punishment. and very dangerous. i might kill an innocent family along the way. it would be akin to driving drunk, if i catch myself doing it at the wrong time of day. these se's are no joke!

in the winter i'll fly to spain or south america and be really glad to do it.

murph, i always appreciate your concern. i don't think i'm in a crisis here. i'm not. i AM annoyed with myself that i fell into an old, decrepit habit. the trigger was probably my son being away and i could do whatever i want. a 'fuck you' kinda reaction; nobody can tell me what to do. beer was my first aggresive fuck you to my parents when i was thirteen. too bad i loved it so much that it became an 'i love you' resoponse to the beer.

i have seen very few people on these meds boards who haven't fallen into this at one time or another post-switch. maybe i haven't switched yet, really and truly. but we also know that that is ambiguous territory. the habit had a breif victory over the indifference. but it WAS brief. i don't want to continue in that vein. not one bit. it wasn't satisfying at all, least of all to my soul. i do not want to be the sad sorry single mom who drinks beer on a saturday afternoon by herself. i don't care if i enjoy a small glass of ale or wine with loved ones because i like the taste. and i have done that post-switch without feeling a bit of remorse. maybe it sent me into a temporary tailspin and led me to the more-than-one-glass moment, so maybe i shouldn't allow that for me myself right now. it's probably too soon, and i can live with that. so i won't.

this drink-or-not drink is not a conversation i want to be having with myself yet. i don't want it enough, the taste, so i will avoid it all together.

i'll get back to telling you about the poison ivy i've slain, and the vegetables i'm eating, and the video games my son is not playing.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

i don't really want to go up in my dose. i'm still not decided on that. my pill box is empty and i have to make a decision. i went up to 240 yesterday and feel no different today, though it's probably too soon to feel any change, except maybe some extra flickering in my hands. i don't want to spend any more time in somnolence; this is MY prescious time! i WON"T sleep it away! help me out, here...

[bleep]

just got my own bac!

you'd have felt any se's by now if they were coming your way by now, so obviously you find 240 manageable. it's a funny old drug, i think i've said that before. you sound pretty indifferent to me rudy, perhaps it's time to enjoy it? do what i suggest to a lot of people, but nobody ever listens, and stop thinking about it for a little while. just appreciate the difference in your life from 6 months ago, and carry on gardening and rowing and attacking your poison ivy. the rest of this will still be there in a week if you really must get back to it. maybe throw a little relaxing in there as well, your hobbies sound like hard work

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

I have only read the last page, and for that I apologize.

It seems that you are spending a good deal of time "resisting" alcohol. This part, for me, was effortless. Filling your time with things to do and using a measure of will power, along with the immeasurable help of baclofen-induced cessation of craving is a really, really good thing, imho. But it wasn't what indifference meant for me.

I had to make a decision to not drink on that first night, because it was indeed my habit to drink on a Friday night, following work. But it simply wasn't a big deal. The thing is, Ruby, it kept on being not a big deal.

That is not to say that I was sure if I had reached indifference. I wasn't sure. Day by day, though, it became more clear that I just didn't care about booze. And then, about a month later, I got drunk. It was awful. I might have even had drinks in between the two events, I'm not sure.

What I'm suggesting (egad, sorry for all the capitals. ha! I can actually name all 50...) is that you might want to go up. Because you sure as hell don't want to not know, after all this time and energy and work, KNOW that you've done what needed to be done.
Or you could sit tight and see if it is indeed habit. If you find yourself hearing the siren song more often, then you'll know you have to go up. If you don't, well, then you'll know that too.

Eyes on the goal would include bearing with the SEs until the deed is done. I know it's dreadful, though I forget what it's really like. Better somnolence now than having to do it all again. (Look to or ask RedH!)

I can't weigh in on the whole vaca thing. Didn't read enough. Hope you're planning on Chicago in October, though.

And if I've missed the point, dear Ruby, it's not for lack of trying!
xo

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

thanks bleep. i repeat myself, you're spot-a-dot on.

thanks, ne, for your words. they are helpful and relevant.

i'm taking it all in, and i'm going to sit at 220 for a few days. those times i had ale weren't in response to a siren song, btw. they really weren't. i know it was triggered by Habit. the fucker. i'll surely report back on my day and my feelings about booze. after this next leg, i'll be better able to decide how to proceed.

couln't do this without you all. murhp, you too, my anchor. sweet day everyone. i'm off to get my son.

xoxo rudy

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

well, single momming it is very trying. son was a royal pain in the ass from the second i got him back. if i have to strong-arm his dad into moving local, i will. i can't do this alone any longer!

the row, however, was lovely. although there was too much sitting time, setting the boat (keeping it level), while the beginners practiced their row. so i nearly nodded off more than once. i put water on my head to help with that. and sometimes i rested my head on my oar.

i gotta get to bed.

but first, and most wonderfully, several times today i tempted myself with thoughts of ale. except it wasn't tempting at all. even in those moments when i wished i'd never become a mother (oops, i just said that 'out loud'!). it had no allure whatsoever. i drove home, with not even a single thought to the taste or feeling of alcohol. i got into bed to read w my son, and i didn't feel a speck of melancholy over that 'friend' who would be missing from my evening's write.

i've realized something about the role of drinking in my past few years. it was my way of carving space for myself, from my son and from the demands of mothering on my own. it was my shield, my protective coating from the demands that didn't stop. cigs still kinda serve that purpose for me. and my tongue hurts. so i shall carve space in a different way: lots of playdates and lots of camp for him. for me, well, you know what i'll be doing.

and with that, i bid you a fond farewell until the next giddy'up.

xo rudy ru

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

Cool about the ale. You're creating your own distance from it; every day you consider and dismiss it, it moves further away and less of a fallback.

The child thing: In a few years he'll be taking drugs, stealing from your purse, catching STDs and telling you he hates you. Ahhhh, so many wonderful things to look forward to. :H

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

All sounds good, Ruby dear.
I realized this morning something very important (for me.)
I need a j-o-b! No, it's not actually because I like my standard of living and that demands more money. It's because I really like to be alone with my thoughts. Much too much. And you know what? My thoughts are not so great to be alone with 24/7. Even though I have some really great outlets for them.

Now that the zoom-zoom is wearing off I find that my extracurriculars hold less pull. I am feckin tired of organizing. Don't even get me started about folding socks. Life's too short. I have to have a reason, other than my own joie de vivre, to get out of bed and stay happy.

Something to think on. Maybe if I had a child it would be easier. Nah. Don't think so...

[bleep]

just got my own bac!

Murphyx;1142390 wrote:
The child thing: In a few years he'll be taking drugs, stealing from your purse, catching STDs and telling you he hates you. Ahhhh, so many wonderful things to look forward to. :H

that should cut down on his video game time though. don't forget, every cloud has a...

hallelujah ne. folding socks is no way to spend zoomtime. i'm glad you figured it out! It's no way to spend any time at all, come to think of it. commit to never doing it ever again, and your life will have moved up a notch.