just got my own bac!

[SlipperyPete]

just got my own bac!

If Palin had never opened her mouth, she could be attractive, but unfortunately she's completely evil. Every time I see her I imagine she looks like this underneath her skin:

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

Funny. I see her like this:

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

And this:

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

Even if she is this:

[SlipperyPete]

just got my own bac!

I see where you're getting at, but the one sexy pic isn't even of her:H

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

Shhhhhh, this is my fantasy, don't spoil it. I don't go spoiling your fantasies about sweaty, hairy-arsed men now do I?

[SlipperyPete]

just got my own bac!

Hey now, do NOT talk about my girl Shakira that way. :h:h:h:h:h:h

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

hey, don't insult shakira! she has done wonders for latino pop.

pete and murph, oh how DO you do those photo implants? you guys have GOT to see my garden! (i will have them to download from shutterfly.)

[SlipperyPete]

just got my own bac!


Shakira is a goddess.
To do pics, type [img], then the link to the pic, followed by [/img]

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

this is a test, to see if it works.

things happen for a reason...

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

great, it worked! (i'm still at my sister's and didn't think i'd be able to access the internet wout a pswd, and of course nobody's up at this hour.) i'm still gonna submit periodically cause i don't want to have this go down w the computer at some random point.

as i was saying, things happen for a reason.

i am proud of myself for making it down here. i just threw son and me into the car and drove. got through an annoying tangle at the bklyn bridge and found myself on the better side of the river at last. 'yeay, mommy, you did it!' g exclaimed when i shouted in glee 'we're in brooklyn!!!' just after his cousin said exactly the same words to bro in law (j) moments before, after getting thorough the same tangle in a different car via a slightly different route.

had some grumpy visits w two of my oldest and dearest girlfriends. so nice of them to care so deeply about me for so many years, and to be able to relate to my every emotion.

went to bed. fell asleep immediately, but thought i was awake. son's head cradled under mine, i thought 'i wish he would fall asleep and we could turn the tv off'. he was asleep and the tv was off, i realized when i awoke-ish.

i asked j for the cord to his laptop (a very confusing mac) so i could write. i had tears in my eyes cause i had managed a sob. he said i looked like i was about to cry, and did i want to talk. i said no. we talked anyway and it felt really good.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

i had forgotten my book -duuuuh- and had nothing to read. all they have here are intellectual books: 60's politics, the holocaust, western philosophy. j is an uber-intellectual, but he is also a recovering addict (al and nicoteine), and very able to relate to anybody about anything on all levels: not just intellectualy but also spiritually and emotionally. he is truly the perfect professor (which he is by profession). i have told him some about everything. he is very engaging and thoughtful and caring in his responses.

my sister, by contrast, kinda glazes over half the time, which is really strange, as i know she cares deeply about me, and wants to see me heal. but she can't seem to engage fully with my process. she who knows how much i am going through right now. and she is one of my closest people.

i realized something about her just now, which is what got me out of bed and to this point of writing about it. (with success! i am here telling you about it. yay again for me!) she, too, is uber-intellectual. she operates almost exclusively in her head. she knows something is missing. she has a very hard time making and keeping meaningful relationships w women. she doesn't really do much that is fun, besides garden, that nourishes her soul and body. instead, she makes lists and ticks their items off one by one. she gets things done! she runs a small non-profit for small farmers all on her own. and does an excellent job of it. it is not my job to 'fix' her, but i know that she is using only the tip of the iceberg of her whole self to charge through life. and i know she is not truly happy. when she accomplishes something for herself, like getting a haircut or buying a pretty blouse, it reads like another item on a list. with a little joy and satisfaction for the reward it gives her soul, but not much of anything deeper.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

That being asleep and thinking you're awake thing is weird. I was at my parent's house a while back and stretched out on the couch for a nap. I thought I was awake, just sort of dozing. When my dad got home and tried to wake me, I popped up and said, "I was just dozing!" sort of defensive. Turns out it was the third time he'd tried to wake me! I'm really glad that stopped, simply because I felt a little cheated that my naps were so wake-y.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

so i'll talk to j about this, cause i know he wants her to be happy. and i will broach it with her at some point, too. she has a lot to learn from me. i know she is impressed by what she sees, and probably wants some of that for herself. i know she is floored by my garden but somehow doesn't have words to express that (!?) (j, on the other hand, said it's like real farming, but by ONE, that it's 'transcendent'). same w my house, which is a different beast entirely from the one it was a few short weeks ago.

there are other people in my life who are truly disappointing. and whereas i know it's not personal, i am feeling a bit sorry for myself that some of my closest friends can't express much about what i am about. i lie in bed and toss and turn, wondering how i'm going to deal with that. i think i'll use my words. very carefully, as i don't want to scare away the people i lean on most. but i am so sick of giving and sharing, and having very little come back to me from them. i do need to cast the net wider. and i am. my dr pal, for example, seems to be a very caring person who is smart enough to relate thoughtfully to what i share. good start on a friendship.

i realize that i am going through so very much right now that it must be overwhelming for anyone outside of my own head (and there are a few of us in here) to be able to encompass it all into coherence, but i don't dump all of my shit in one pile and say, 'here, what do i do? what do you think?'

so, j gave me half a sleeping pill and that made all the difference. i was not a bit reluctant to take it. it is loud here, sleeping in the front room, hearing the idiots pass by and talk about lime green or the beautiful houses at top volume in a residential neighborhood at 11 pm. i missed my babbling brook that sounds like rain. and my internet (which i did find by fluke of a pop-up window). my own bed, and darkness. so much light here! and i slept like a baby, free of all that nonsense of am i asleep or awake? no hallucinations and no scary six yr old girls. no colorful tapestries or brambly sticks waving in my eyes.

g is up. gotta go. more later. wish me luck getting back over that majestic bridge. i can't wait to get home!

xo rudy

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

and my sister! she forgot to invite our brother, who estranged himself from us for six years but now he is back and i can't get enough of him. i came all the way here and i might not even see him (he lives on the upper east side). what a bummer. and yet another example of her being so in her head that she misses some pretty important essentials.

ne, i am so glad to read in your post the suggestion that this sleeping thing might pass. as i described on friday, same exact kinda thing happened to me. i thought i was just dozing, but my friend COULD NOT wake me up. strange brew, indeed!

it all got a lot worse when i went up to 220 for a few days. now i'm down to 200 again, and it remains bad (without the help of an otc sleep aid). i'm going to test the waters at 180. i'll let you know how that goes.