just got my own bac!

[SlipperyPete]

just got my own bac!

I have no idea how it's spelled, I've just always heard it pronounced like it started with an H.

Hopefully your day today was better than yesterday?

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

thanks for asking, pete. yesterday was better and today will be even better still. yest i napped for hours while g played w his big buddies. i dozed and dozed. i needed the restoration. today, i go to hypnotist for smoke quitting. i think it will work. i am feeling very susceptible to suggestion.

i forgot to mention that i learned 'huera' in mexico. the taxista called me 'huerita' and my cousin laughed! she explained that he had called me 'little whitey', affectionately. and yes, it's pronounced like it starts w an 'h', but could also be a 'g'. go on w your spanish self!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

alright folks! miracles never cease! i hope somebody reads this. i am feeling very very sorry for myself right now and very very salty. but i am not smoking about it. hypnosis went very well. fuckin wild stuff. i think the bac helped, too. i was so relaxed and receptive but i wasn't asleep. a couple of times he had me make a statement, and i shocked myself that i was able to. clearly i wasn't asleep, but i surely wasn't awake?

anyway, the resulting head-change is hard to describe, but it's not unlike what i experienced re al via bac. just had that momentary wish for a smoke to quell my anger, but it passed and now i'm here not wishing anymore. even though i am still right peeved.

(maybe it wasn't a good idea to quit right now, too much at once, but i think w the al switch so recent, maybe the bac can help get me thru this, too.)

my fucking sister. she really means no harm. but i am so in need of support right now, and it's painful not to get it from someone so close to me. i know it's not personal, so maybe it's not painful, but it sure does tick me the fuck off. just picked up g from her house. she didn't even ask me about the hypnosis, tho she was well aware i was going. didn't ask 'how was rowing?' nothing. like nothing at all is going on in my life, while everything is falling down around me, albeit in mostly good ways but still not easy. where's the support?! ergh. i am getting fucking sick of having to stiff upper lip it ALL THE TIME! i am totally on my own here, limping along.

ok, fine, i'm not exactly limping anymore. maybe i just want a cheering squad as i cross these various finish lines. and i don't have one (except you guys who are still kind enough to post here). poor me. anyway, i'll take a sleeping pill and go to bed. and not expect anything of anybody. fuck, plenty peoople w plenty less than i have do a lot more and don't cry about it. keep lip stiff.

[SlipperyPete]

just got my own bac!

Wow Rudy I just got home and read this, and it seems like we had a similar day. I know that your sister is very intellectual, but I don't remember how your relationship has been with her throughout your life.

I think our situations might be very similar. I have a sister who I love more than anyone in the world, but because of my disease, we've drifted apart and she has no idea what to expect out of me. I've told her about my bac and how great I feel, but she doesn't seem to be responding with the same enthusiasm that I feel.

What I'm trying to get at is that because of how I've been over the years, she's learned not to expect much out of me, and will probably take awhile for me to prove that I can build a solid relationship with her now. After all, she has her own shit to worry about, too. So what I'm thinking, is that if your situation is like mine, it's gonna take some time to repair that sibling relationship. I wish I had a cheering squad too(and my own theme music), but every day more and more I feel like I only have myself to rely on. It sucks, but at least we have these boards. Stay strong.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

hey thanks, pete. fortunately, i didn't do too much damage to any relationships -except maybe mine w myself- due to drink. i always isolated to get drunk, so not a lot of people even thougth i had a problem. my sis's inability to relate has much much more to do w her own issues w our alcoholic father than w me, and she has admitted that. i spoke w her once very drunk and next day couldn't remember our conversation. i was so embarrassed. i made a vow to self never to do that again. i did it once more, and later apologized for it, though i did remember the conversation. (gee, think i have a guilt complex?!)

she said that she can't stand the inconsistency that comes w drunks. i pointed out to her that that was never an issue w me. i was always a happy drunk and a pretty happy person. again, she did admit that she was projecting her shit, and that i hadn't done anything wrong.

i realize that she is just not fully alive, she's operating with only the tip of her iceberg. i rather feel sorry for her, as life must be very flat, to only get reward from accomplishments. the poor woman has NO FRIENDS! so, even though i was pissed before, i am kinda over it now. (and the fact that you took the time to show that you care helped a lot with that; i needed to know that SOMEONE gives a shit!) fuck ME; SHE is the one who needs help.

in your case, sounds like you may have given your sis some curve balls in your checkered past, so you might have to cut her some slack and let time and the new you do the talking. looks like you're cool w that.

pete, we'll be each other's cheering squads, and generous others will join in. and someday we won't need it nearly as much. we can spend more time cheering others who need it most. won't that be grand?! but right now, i sure the fuck DO need pom poms and whistles and bravo chants! so thanks.

and nitey nite!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

Hold on there, partner.
Lots and lots of love and support all over the place.
I had a really interesting time with my family about all of this. My mother is a scientist, a researcher and a psychologist. I so wanted her understanding about this. More than that, too. Mostly, though, I think I wanted her invested in this with me.
The thing is, she didn't want to be. It's not for me to say why, even now. (My dad was just mad. again. "I think you're just putting off doing what you need to do. Just stop drinking." )

It was very different this time around, too. I thought they were just over the whole process. But I think it has a lot to do with the approach. With baclofen, itself. I think it's almost impossible to understand if the person doesn't know what having the disease means. And no way can they understand the lengths to which we'll go, right? Especially if they don't know the lengths to which we went to get to this place. It doesn't sound like your sister could have any real understanding of where you were, and there's no 'splaining that, right?

You've got a way full plate, Rubyd. Way full. Busy, busy. Not structured busy, it sounds like? All the self-help stuff, looking for ways to relax, reboot, rebuild. I can relate.

Here's the thing: New Sobriety. That's the thing. It's really the only thing right now.

I'm worried that I'm overstepping, that I'm saying things that you're not in a place to hear. But you ...need. So here I am. :l fwiw.
Be gentle, Ruby. I don't mean get a massage or find a new passion or sit in reflection. Self, thoughts, they just get in the way of so much. We have no comfort, no solace when the booze leaves, right? And can't escape our thoughts. Best to stop them in their tracks, gently. Not just the bad ones. (Right, are you getting the irony of this? What do people tell me again and again? "Stop thinking!" It's not that. It's the kind of thinking.)
One more thing: The morbid thoughts. Oh, yes, I get that. I've started checking to make sure Ed's still breathing when he's asleep. (I swear, I miss when he snored to wake the dog!) I used to go through this before. It's a reflection of things not sitting quite right. This time, though, I know they're not rational fears. It's a relief to know that.
Much love and many hugs. Hope you're sleeping!
xo
Karen

[moglor]

just got my own bac!

Maybe your sister just isn't the communicative type. I remember when I first got AF with bac and I wanted to shout from the rooftops how awesome it was. After a week or two, once I got past the initial love affair with sobriety, I realized that what I was feeling was what normal people felt every day.

"Look, Ma! I'm normal!"

It's hard to sell that to friends and family who haven't been intimately involved in your struggle. That's why you get a better result here than you probably get in real life.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

HA! What Moglor said!
Hi, Mog. You've been in my thoughts too. Nice to see you here.

[SlipperyPete]

just got my own bac!

Sounds good to me

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

wtf?! i am having that ice-cold blood thing, right on time at 1 am. watch, in a minute i'll be covered up and sweating buckets, then cold again. just like clockwork. difference is that this time i am not clutching a cigarette for its warm and repulsive comfort. believe it or not i don't miss it.

okay, back to bed, to follow the se leader up down in and out, hot and cold and merrily merrily. will be thrilled to read your responses in the am. just had to jot this down for posterity.

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

?my fucking sister ?nothing. like nothing at all is going on in my life, while everything is falling down around me ? where's the support?!?

Who have I just quoted, you or your sister?

Your sister has issues. I?m sorry, I should have said your sister has ISSUES! You?re going through a strange and difficult time but maybe so is she. Maybe the difference is she can?t communicate them, or rather doesn?t feel comfortable doing so. She can?t reach out and have fun and chat with friends about what?s going on with her, she doesn?t have those sorts of relationships. Yes she has a husband from whom she should be able to get support for her problems, but not all marriages work that way. Yes he?s a great guy, intelligent, intuitive, a downright, all round good egg and you've found him to be ever so kind and supportive, but he may not be able to be that way with your sister.

You know she has problems and she knows she has problems but she can?t tell you about them, ?cos that just ain?t the way she rolls. Maybe she still expects the people in her life to be able to see how *worried/upset/scared/pissed off/desperate/fuckedup she really is (*delete as appropriate) and to know she just doesn?t have enough left in the emotional kitty to give to anyone else.

Have you had the conversation with her yet? The one about her. Maybe she?s waiting for it. Maybe she thinks she?s given you so many signals about how she feels, you should be offering her the support.

Of course that?s all probably just a load of old bollocks; it?s not exactly unknown for me to talk shit. Oh, look what I did there: I somehow managed to turn it around and make it all about me. You have problems but it?s actually about me. Your sister has problems but it?s all about ME ME ME ME ME. Sound familiar maybe?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

Yeah. Not so sure what the sister's issues have to do with the whole thing. Sorry, ruby dear.

[sjm]

just got my own bac!

I am shouting from the rooftops for you, my precious jewel of a daughter! Please imagine that whenever you begin to have a non-supportive thought. And the MWO community is the BEST support you could find. I encourage you to stop "looking for love in all the wrong places".

Your sis loves you to the best of her ability. All three of us have suffered from the effects of your dad's alcoholism. You and I have "dealt with" the effects and for the most part moved on. Your sis has the added challenge of living daily with one who has struggled with this disease, and recently. She is very raw around this. (And her hubby is leaving tomorrow for a long trip, did she tell you that?)

As I told you recently, I believe, on the McClellan chart, her behavior is motivated by achievement (and to some degree control), not affiliation. It's not a driving force to have relationships that nourish her, so she doesn't have them and isn't motivated to create them. It's a disappointment for both you and me, who love her, who both are strongly motivated by affiliation (relationships)...but it is what it is, and we can each focus on loving her the way she is without expectation of reciprocity.

That's not to say she wouldn't be happier with a better balance of these 3 motivations. I believe she would be. Through our constant loving of her we will provide, when she's ready, a "safe" place for her to share her feelings...just like this forum is for you.

Much love to you, RudyB, and deep gratitude to your MWO buddies, Mom

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

oh my god, again! hello beloveds! i am so very glad to be back here! you see, it has been a backwards journey of sorts since last post...

first off, thank you all for your input, each and every one of you. you're all SPOT ON! murph, mos def! sis prob needs support as much as i do, tho what mom says is also true; she's not motivated by the same stuff so maybe not.

there was also back story that i didn't include, which very much played into the level of sensitivity that i displayed in my reaction to my sis. i was feeling miffed by a certain, er, individual, about whom i have not told you because it's all so new and tender and i'm not ready to share and when i am you can be sure that i will. suffice it to say that my ego was hurting and sis not remembering my very significant event of the day was kinda the straw that hurt the camel. i over-reacted and now i know why. so, sorry folks, for being a big baby. sometimes restrospect is what it takes to get a grip.

anywhoot, i was about to hop back on and post at 2 am, respond to what y'all had written since those voices in my head were keeping me up anyway, when my computer just shorted out. blip. out like a light. wouldn't restart. deep breath. back to bed. no smokes to quell the frustration. no urgent need for them, either.

this morning, after almost 2 hrs on phone w tech support, come to find it's merely a prob w my power cord! it was shorting out. oh my fucking god! meanwhile, i've really wondered why the fuck did i quit smoking! i could use that abuse right now, something to press this frustration down, pack it in good and tight. WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG?! why is everything breaking or going wrong all at once?! water filter, boiler, car, cell phone, computer! deep breath, not of smoke, alas (though i don't really want it; totally weird). and i'm buying a back up laptop today. and a new car on saturday. so there are solutions. and i can do this.

today, in a minute, i am going for a good hard run. with my ipod that barely works. and i'll feel better. and thank you so much for listening and supporting and caring. more later.

xo rudy

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

Wow Rudy's mom, you're very insightful and smart. I particularly liked this:

I encourage you to stop "looking for love in all the wrong places". Dammmmmm right!

WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG?! why is everything breaking or going wrong all at once?! water filter, boiler, car, cell phone, computer! ... and i'm buying a back up laptop today. and a new car on saturday. so there are solutions. and i can do this.

Everything breaking or going wrong? Pfffft! What a load of old cobblers. Trivial things are going wrong, well at least the things you're telling us about are trivial. But you know they are trivial because you then go on to list the solutions. ALL your problems have solutions. Jayzus, if you can find solutions to alcohol and nicotine addictions, then you can fix absolutely anything.

The future is looking really bright for you Rudy.