just got my own bac!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

Not trying to be difficult () but I went from 340mg to 240mg, then jumped around, in the month or so following indifference.
I'm at 120mg, now with no discernible difference. Except now I take a nap because I want to. I had a couple of glasses of wine a couple of weeks ago, with no discernible difference. I keep waiting for that gnawing ache to roll around, thinking, "I want a drink. OMG! Do I want a drink? Really? OMG! Am I going back there? Do I need to take more? OMG! The sky is falling!!!" But nope.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's only been a week or so, but I've even gone down to 80mg a couple of times when I forgot the last dose.

(I reserve the right, of course, to start gobbling it again should that white hot poker stick me in the gut again... I'll be eatin' it like Pez in no time.)

I think there is maybe an element of time, you know? And getting used to the whole idea. (huh? Wha? I'm not a drunk anymore? are ya' sure???)

I think it's hard to know where to land (which side of the line) for those of us without an absolute commitment to abstinence. And I had an absolute commitment to abstinence! Several times! :H
(That's not actually that funny, I suppose, for those that feel it's vital. I do understand.) The thing is, it was really, really nice to have a glass of wine with dinner in a fancy restaurant. (ok. Two glasses. Why're you counting? )
I should add that each time I do that, every time I make the decision to drink, I have angst about it. "Am I tempting fate?" sort of angst. 7 months (apparently) and counting, and I've been drunk twice. Once in March and once in April. I think I'm okay.
I know you're hanging in, Ru.

(bruun, I think you'd be hard pressed to find anyone developing a tolerance to bac. It's just not like that. Thank goodness. In fact, the reason I went down was because I started feeling tired again during the day. Rather than exercise or eat well, I decided to try lowering the dose. )

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

yeah, the getting used to the idea. i resonate with that. i still associate some beers with freedom and having a good time and doing what i've always done for fun. but it floors me that it's impossible to get drunk anymore. wild stuff! the wolavers ale that i drink is 7% alcohol, and i can have a bunch and not swerve one bit. (of course, it takes me a lot longer to drink it; last night's sesson covered almost six hours. so that may have something to do with it.)

so i slipped down far this time. oopsie. (it's just so strange to me, and it perfectly underscores how sneaky are the tentacles of this beast, that i had such an easy and repeated time brushing off the suggestion that i'd like some ale, only to, on a dime and in a tenth of a second, make a right turn instead of a left, in pursuit of something i can't even find anymore. totally baffling.) but i've dusted myself off and had a very good day. my native speakers are my first class and they are true gems. they tickle this ruby pink! they do their work in earnest and i see snap crackles and pops come out of them as they learn from me -a non-native speaker- new words and prefixes and funny ways of saying things. and they correct me with such respect when i misspeak. they're a gift from the universe and a great way to start the day. my day ends with four of the sweetest eighth graders you could imagine. four! last year i had over a hundred students; this year i have 62! of course, i am teaching one less class, to the tune of 10 grand less in pay, but it is so worth it. this means that i have tons of prep time during the day to do with as i please. fugeddabout it! today and yesterday i put my feet up and took a delicious, 45 minute nap. much needed. i'll take the se of somnolence as long as i can have my afternoon nap. i'm pretty lucky. and this year i like teaching again. (they practically fold their hands on their desks (when they're not taking notes), and drink in my words. and in the hallways, they greet me in spanish.)

so, i'm off to get my son with no stops at the beer store. then, he;ll go with me to acupuncture. there's an extra bed in the room. last time he climbed up and played his video games, letting me rest while the energy in this hard-working bod gets rechanneled into healthy patterns. this is the life!

hasta la vista babies! thanks for reading. and thanks to the posters i know and love so much for your support. i was chagrined to report my 'failing', but should've known i'd be met with unconditional support. beautiful!

xo ruby ru

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

Ne/Neva Eva;1177887 wrote: Not trying to be difficult ()

Pffft! As if!

I think it may also have to do with the way we titrate up i.e. if we go in a straight and steady line or weave around. I wonder what your real switch dose could have been. Just sayin'.

[SlipperyPete]

just got my own bac!

Rudy, isn't it weird to not be able to drink fast enough to get drunk? I used to buy my beer, (I drink IPA, too :goodjob: I went from 40's of Olde English, to 22s of OE, to Natural Ice, to vodka, to IPA. Slowly getting less and less ghetto :H) crack open a couple, chug the fuck out of the first one, which is hard to do in the first place because it's an IPA, and then get going fast on the 2nd one. Now, it's crack open the first one, drink half, not notice the bottle for half an hour, then slowly lose interest. I HAVE tried to get drunk, but I too found it impossible as it took too long, and didn't even feel good.
Que lo vaya bien - Pedro Resbaladizo

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

earlier than now, in my typical bac-induced nighttime confusion, i was disoriented and a little lost, wondering why the light was on. i never leave lights on. turns out, it was the moon.

i fell asleep easily at 9:30. dropped right into that enveloping nothing, smooth and beautiful without a hint of a dream.

then, i heard a woman's voice, announcing something. she was down in my living room.

"hello?!", i shouted, with a pronounced roundness on that 'o'. my own voice echoed me awake. the moon glared into my face, unfriendly and harsh like a fluorescent bulb. and there was no woman in my living room.

i'm tired as a clam who's escaped the pursuit of a pitch fork. i can smell the stink of the low-tide ocean mud. it's familiar and comfortable as a memory from childhood should be, but i'm going to go have a smoke just the same. i need a treat.

[Bruunhilde]

just got my own bac!

Pete, that's amazing, what dose are you at?

Ruby, you grow up by the ocean? Sounds like nice nostalgia.

And Ne, I must be the only one with tolerance that grows with meds in general including bac. OR its that bac switch dose is just the switch dose and tolerance isn't a factor. I think when your side effects dissipate, you are showing tolerance. Anyways, whatever. All I know for sure is that 40-50mg/night doesn't relax me anymore and it used to put me to sleep like a baby.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

bruun, i grew up in vt, but family vacations were in maine, where we'd dig clams and get muddy. the rides in the back of the station wagon were long but fun. that was before laws that protected children.

i dunno about tolerance issues w bac. i don't think it's pertinent. i think, tho, that somehow we get acclimated at given doses and the se's dissipate. seems to hold true for my experience. too bad when the good ones wear off.

sweet dreams, you. and everyone else. my boy's asleep and i'm gonna disfrutarlo (take advantage of it) and watch my spooky show, medium, which, it turns out, has 4 more seasons before i'm out! lucky me! love my netflix. more scary dreams and hallucinations to come, visual and auditory, to be sure. but worth it. i love my treats.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

Bruun, I guess I don't really understand what you mean by tolerance. If you're looking for a solution re. bac, try altering your dose or taking it a little more spread out (say in two doses in the evening.) I don't know if it's HDB alone or bac/booze but there were definitely times that I felt increased anxiety while titrating up, for sure. I will also share that there were definitely times when I felt that my chemistry was saying, "It's time to go up." And finally (on this subject! ) sometimes it's just that this process is SO hard. You know? Very stressful, a lot of pressure. In fact we put a lot of pressure on ourselves. A LOT. It's part of the reason (I think) that the conventional wisdom says that it's okay to drink when titrating up. The pressure and will to get better is so intense, it's overwhelming sometimes. Especially when one has a high pressure job and a lot of other stressors. :l Hang in there.

Rudy, I like disfrutarlo. Does it have implications of, "seize the opportunity" or "taking advantage of (something)"?

I watched Stigmata when I was titrating up. I'd already figured out that it was wise for me to stay away from watching things that conjured images of things that go bump in the night, but I liked the theme song and didn't know it was eerie. Oy. I got to a scene where she's visited (or something) and called it quits! Dreamed about it for several nights after that. I've since watched it and it ain't no thing. I still, however, avoid the nightly news. Feckin' fear-mongerers. And lately I've been avoiding the economic reports as well. My husband says I'm very difficult to be around after listening to Marketplace. :H

xo peeps! and much love.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

Murphyx;1177934 wrote: I wonder what your real switch dose could have been. Just sayin'.

Probably 72.5mg or something. For some reason I just had to be difficult and push the envelope all the way up to 340mg. I don't know why. It's completely out of character, don't you think?

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

I blame all those psychosomatic SEs you had. You'd have been alright if only you'd ignored them and followed your own oft quoted advice: "softly, softly catchee monkey!" :H

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

my son was impatiently looking over my shoulder while i tried to read what you lovelies put on my thread. remember, he is almost five and cannot yet read. when i finally switched over to netflix so he can watch and i can sleep, he started gently chanting, "rudy nut. rudy nut."

not braggin, just sayin.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

now he's just told me, "mama, you're sitting on a bomb."

ok, back to netflix.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

and ftr, g knows nothing about the nickname, rudy, that my father gives to me. i asked him if he knows who calls me that, and he said, "your sister?". he's never heard that name used for me. (his granddad is not much in the picture; he instead sits in his mansion and counts his gold and buys things with it. doesn't ever come to visit. but i'm not bitter.) maybe he takes after his mother and is a little bit psychic. rather, his great nana he takes after.

my psychic told me i am NOT psychic, just sensitive to others and should stop letting their maladies into my forcefield. the stuff about envisioning my son dying in a freak accident was not a portent of the near future. it was past life shit getting unfortunately mixed into the present. phew. i don't have those shuddering images anymore. when they threaten to crop into my mind, i tell them to go away, and they do.

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

I'm beginning to like your psychic; he/she talks sense...well about some things anyway.

[redhead77]

just got my own bac!

Let me get this straight Miss Rudy. You have a therapist, hypnotist, acupuncturist (or whatever they're called), and a psychic? I know you're rolling in the dough, but I think I may have a more cost effective solution for you: a life coach.

I'm thinking, it's an economical approach to all the people above. You'll save money on the hypnotist, therapist, and the psychic. Maybe not the acupuncturist, unless you find a life coach who does acupuncture. This would inevitably make your search more difficult.

*You'll save money on the hypnotist, because you'll now be using your conscious mind, to make excellent decisions for your life.

*You'll save money on the therapist, because really, what does therapy get you? I went for a long time, only to learn all the issues I have. When I asked the therapist how we were going to fix them, he told me he couldn't give me the answers. I needed to search inside myself for them. Huh? For real? Honestly dude, I already knew I had stuff wrong with me, or I wouldn't have made the appt. Or the many after. So you'll end up finding out your issues, without any tools to fix them. Sounds like a waste of money to me.

*Don't believe your psychic when she tells you, you're not psychic. I think being psychic is our intuition. Dr L tells me, the intuition comes from the cerebellum. I have a super-strong intuition (he says my cerebellum is functioning very well ), but I just don't listen to it. I then find myself in some hot messes. You've even read about a couple of them. :H I think your cerebellum might be in good shape too, because you've had some intuitions...like about gay ex bf, for example. I could find other examples too.

So there you have it. You would learn positive ways to enrich your life. Life coaches cost between $70-$600 a month. Obviously, you wouldn't want to go with the cheapest, ghetto life coach, or the most expensive, but I was thinking a little along the line of say, $200 a month? You would have to check his/her references and talk to clients. Make sure their lives were enrichened (that might not be a word, but you get it).

So now you've researched like crazy and found yourself the perfect life coach: you could save money... OK, you don't need to; learn positive thinking... I guess you already do that; quit smoking...OK, that's done; rid yourself of insecurities...yeah, I don't think you have too many.

Alright. Maybe you don't need a life coach when I think about it. But I just might.:H I'm wondering if I've talked myself into it.

How are you today Miss Rudy? Long time no *talk*. Just wanted to pop in and say hello.
:l