just got my own bac!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

heya red, thanks for thinking of me!

life coach, huh? i'd have considered it a year ago, but all she would've told me would've been: quit drinking! i've done that. so now i have you guys and my mother and a few good friends to keep me in line. i won't be going back to the therapist unless i get good and confused. i realized on that latest visit that i'm doing very well, thank you. the two things he said that stick with me are that my bizarre choices in men reflect my relationship with my father (DURR), and i went to them cause they were very familiar, tho i didn't realize it at the time. the other was that addiction is like an upside down triangle, where your fun and rewarding stuff to do gets to the bottom point of the triangle, that being drink in my case, which represents the ONLY thing i do for personal reward. the goal is to right that triangle, such that the point is on top again, and the base is nice and broad, representing all kindsa things that i do to feel good. guess i've been accmoplishing that!

the acupuncturist is covered by insurance. and i paid the hypnotist 250$ and he's guaranteed, so now that i'm a smoker again (FUCK), i'll be going back (again) at no charge. the psychic is 50 bucks a pop, and i see her maybe 3 times a year.

unfortunately, i am NOT rolling in the dough anymore. the lawyer costs me an arm, leg, and a torso. just got my $5K property tax bill. and son's tuition is a grand a month. i need a new furnace, roof, paint inside and out, and i need fuel oil for the forthcoming new furnace. this summer i felt loaded, cause i had a heloc (home equity line of credit), but i've maxed that out. any day the bank will give me a pile of money cause i've refinanced my home, but i'll have to give most of it to my ex for his colossal building. the rest will go twd the aforementioned expenses. and each month i'll have a whopping bill to pay for it all! not that you asked. (is this a delete moment?)

thanks for the thoughts just the same, red. i hope i don't sound ungrateful. i love it when you or anyone shows that they are thinking of me.

now, will YOU be getting a life coach?! i doubt you need one, either!

xo ru

[redhead77]

just got my own bac!

No, you don't sound ungrateful. I'm sorry you're having a rough go of it. I did have a good therapist, but the truth is I don't really need to discover anything else wrong with me. :H He also pointed out the obvious, not unlike yours. I am insightful enough to know why things are wrong, I just don't have the tools to fix it. Maybe those things come in time.

I think I must have missed a page or something in your thread. I thought you were only sneaking smokes. I didn't know you were back full-time. There was a few days there, I didn't read too much. There was so much drama around here, I couldn't help but read a few threads, but that's about it. I'll have to go back and read through.

I haven't decided on the life coach. I'll let you know, of course. If I get one, it would have to be an exceptional person. I'll bet some of those people are complete idiots. I could even teach them a thing or two.

I'm going to grab a nap. I'm home sick today.

xxoo

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

red, hope you're feeling better after a nap.

sorry your shrink was such a dink. ther'es a lot of crappy professionals out there!

i have to amend what i wrote above. i thought i was rolling in the dough past this summer, but then i got my tax bill and then i looked at my bank account. DOH! typical rudy behavior.

just back from court appointment. ex hubby wants to take this to trial, which is actually great, tho it will be sad to see him cry when the judge awards him next to nothing for his bad investment. i'll be patient, and sit the months through. it's actually helpful having him live a few hundred feet away in his mistake; he gets our son ready for school, sometimes even makes him lunch. that shaves a half hour off my morning duties. whoopee! i get up at 6:20 now. LATE! (this ex of mine is hilarious! i asked him to please put any dishes he uses in the diswasher, if it has dirties. he asked how he'd know if they were clean or dirty. i told him to open the dishwasher. you can see why we're getting divorced! that's the least of it. his small knob didn't help matters, and his utter cluelessness about what to do with it. what was i thinking?!)

ok, there was some other amendment, but i've forgotten. this'll do for now. tally-ho!

oh, and red, you and i would both make GREAT life coaches! look how well we function under our circumstances. how DO we do it?!

xo ru

[redhead77]

just got my own bac!

I don't know how we do it. You're definitely seeing the glass half full in the case of the ex living so close, and being in your personal space. This is one of your greatest traits. Trying to see the best in everything.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

shanks red, for your undying support! i need the likes of you in my corner.

my psychic said to me last spring that i need a new persona at work. and that i have~! good golly! students i've had in the past regard me with a shocking respect that they've never shown before. hector, that kid i've mentioned before and maybe shouldn't call by name but do, he's in the palm of my hand! I LOVE IT! i have another kid, taking spanish for probably the fourth time; he hates it and sees no reason for it and does NOTHING in my class. well, that guy, chris -yep, naming them again- last year he once strolled by my classroom and shouted into the door: "ms. C has herpes!" chris now sits in my class and says nothing. he is IN CONTROL of all of the other numerous misfits in the class, and they say nothing neither! when i rattle off in spanish with oscar who is mistakenly placed in this class as he is a native speaker, chris listens raptly. a slience spreads over his corner of the room, which was already soundless. IT IS FUCKING WILD! (i wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that i am now a size 6; a woman's physicality rewards her tremendously in our fucked up culture.)

needless to say, this new persona is paying off immeasurably. with zero percent pain, as my son might say. (yes, he talks in percents, often with a reference to infinity tucked in somewhere.) i leave work without the exhaustion that comes from taming lions all day. my students respect me, and i myself. 'tis a great and splendid thing!

[Bruunhilde]

just got my own bac!

Damn that's a sweet story Ruby, and I figured you to be a skinny minnie since you're a runner. Did you lose weight, I can't recall, although I know you used running to combat somnolescence on bac. You are feeling good and it shows.

Fabulousa. You and Red are bangin'. I love to read your battles which always seem to end in success, eventually. Actually, very quickly from the reader point of view. Thanks for sharing, both of youse.

I wish I knew a second language, its so dorky that I don't. Can I get into your class? I think I qualify, I take bac.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

aww, cutie! bruun! you bring a grin to my mug! yes, you're welcome to my class anytime, tho you and i would be the only ones on bac. (once, though, i had a student fall asleep, one of my favorites, after she explained to me that she had been injured four-wheelin', and was taking a muscle relaxant.) i will gladly even give you private lessons - you know speaking spanish is one of my favorite passions. and you're not a dork for not knowing a second language. your condition is the norm, alas. unfortunately it is the status quo in our culture to be monolingual. our amerrrican culture. i am constantly telling my students that the us is practically the only nation in the world where it is the norm to speak only one language. i tell them that even in really poor countries like haiti, most people speak at least two languages. that it's arrogant to think that english is the only needed vehicle for communication. but i don't come from this condescending place in teaching. rather, i try to refine my technique such that the combination of my moral and cultural lectures with the introduction of a new lexicon might be inspiring, not of sleep, but of wakefulness into a more dynamic interaction with the rest of the world.

anyway, i didn't gain weight on bac. i lost it along with all of that alcohol. i've always been very active, and this combined with lack of al made me skinny. all of a sudden very skinny. without even trying, just by doing what i love to do, minus the crutch, the beast, the black hole of my addiction. once upon a time this was my intended size. then pregnancy and an unhappy marriage intervened, along with great quantities of booze, and i grew a bit. not many many months, but many chalky pills later, i'm bac where i was meant to be. muscles show. strength is felt. people respect me in a way that i respect myself, and not just because of my physique; because of what emanates from within. give thanks.

and thanks for your loving our stories, mine and red's. it's so nice to know that people like you glean something from reading their telling.

love ya!
ru

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

Bruunhilde;1180778 wrote:
Fabulousa. You and Red are bangin'.

Oh my God that's incredible; that's what I dreamed last night.

[Bruunhilde]

just got my own bac!

Dang Murph. Both threads you posted today (and I read) were nasty. You must be ovulating. I get that way too.

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

Say what? You mean when you ovulate, you dream of Rudy and Red at it? Were they dressed in rubber and thrashing eachother with twigs in your dream too?

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

ovulation is a dangerous time for me, too. i've been known to call a certain train main at that time of the month; always a mistake.

as for posting anything here, it's always dangerous with murph around! no matter what time of month.

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

Rudy, when you call him a "a certain train man" I see an image of Casey Jones. Oh my God, now I see you and Casey Jones getting jiggy on the footplate of the Cannonball Express. Oh no, now the creepy fireman is about to join in. That's disgusting Rudy, you should be ashamed of yourself.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

dude, i'ts bad enough that the train man was(n't) involved. let's not involve the fire man, too. neither was there.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

these thoughts get me up way too early in the morning. it's as if i have a fairy in my head, prodding me to get up and get it out while i can, while my son still sleeps.

i'm amazed that the following wasn't obvious to me long ago. i'm fairly self-aware, so only thing i can figure is that i was so clouded in a fog of booze that i coudn't see the obvious. or maybe i just had to go throught it all to get to where i am now, so i never make the same mistakes again. plenty of sober people make the same kinds of mistakes. plenty of sober people stay in mistakes, or keep making the same ones, so i dunno. doesn't much matter. i'm sober now, and that is what counts. that, and that the next man who gets the privelige of coming into my life will not be like his predecessors.

the not-gay ex bf and my ex hub: they are composites of my father. first, the ex bf. he is truncated, totally unable to locate or articulate the nature of his emotions. i spent a year knocking myself against that. simple enough. the ex-hub: totally judgemental and selfish, and totally unable to put himself in another's shoes. for him, the question 'why?' is an affront, not a tool for conversation and understanding. how dare anyone challenge him?! both pretty straightforward, no mysteries. and so obvious! how could i have missed it and let it all drag on?

i woke up with thoughts of my garden, and how, for all its grandeur, i did it a bit wrong. it has gone fallow and is no longer providing, whereas, had i done it properly, it would be giving me tons of garlic and onions still. so i judge myself for that. and i KNOW that my jersey-boy-wanna-be-homesteader ex hub who lives a few hundred feet away from me (temporarily!) looks at it and judges. he doesn't see the thing i created for the bounty it did provide, he sees its flaws: the rotting tomatoes, the weeds that got the upper hand, the lack of fall harvest. but i don't care much about that, though it does niggle and mock. rather, my own judgement of myself does bother. why don't i just learn from it, pat myself on my back for a job pretty-well done, and know what to do differently next year? like i do about my choice in men? hmm, guess i had better do what i can to slay that inner judge.

so there you have it, and i have it for the record: the thoughts that woke me up too early on this particular morning.

[Bruunhilde]

just got my own bac!

May your husband suffer with the fleas of a thousand camels. Get him outta yer head, young lady. Replacement booty always helps.