just got my own bac!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

si, petey, you se que bromeas! yo tambien estoy bromeando, cariNo. xo y

so, i'm fresh back from a delightful row. the fog on the water was so thick it was almost opaque. the people were easy and cool. they're all a bunch of wasps, i'll say, with their thin noses, pokey cheekbones, and skinny legs. well i guess i fit right in!

can't remember if i've mentioned (but not because i've been drunk) that i've got two races coming up. i thought they asked me to join the boat because they needed an eighth rower, but it turns out that i, specifically, was invited to be a part. wow. totally flattered.

i don't know what i'd do with all of this sober time if i didn't have such fun things to do, namely the rowing and this writing. we can't emphasize too much how important it is for people looking to turn their lives around to find things to get into. what i do that i love puts a smile on my face that's big and wide, with crinkles around my eyes. they say that when you smile, your body releases hormones that make you feel good. so, if you haven't yet found things to bring you cheer, as i have, then start by putting a smile on your face. see if that helps. (even if it's really hard and feels fake, just try it.)

turning our lives around is like turning around a shell, which is 60 some-odd feet long. one end needs a couple of rowers to stroke in the usual forward direction, in the other end the rowers either hold water or 'back'. it takes a good minute or so, and it takes concentration and cooperation.

i love the language this sport brings me. i'm making myself trilingual in action. there's words like 'back' and 'weigh-up' and 'cox' and 'stroke' (an especial favorite) and 'gunnel'. what a treat is life!

hope everyone is off to a delectable sunday. i know i am.

abrazos!
rudy

[Jimmy-Bac]

just got my own bac!

Hi Rudy

So good to hear you sounding so full of life and happy! It's a great feeling. And you are right about having something to do. I myself am a bit of a photographer and as a treat for switching, got myself a new camera to mark the occasion and am back out and snapping away! So many Months not capturing moments and now back to doing what I love.

I'm so happy for you and good luck in the two upcoming races. And in rowing terms, don't stroke the cox!

[Bruunhilde]

just got my own bac!

Ru, they must have seen your abs and strength and invited you because you're such a fine stroker. That must feel great, congrats! Don't worry, that'll get you hooked up with a fine piece of man meat soon, I feel positive.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

thanks bruun, thanks jimmy.

um, the cox would stroke me (as long as he's male). and, the cox calls the strokes. (he's the boss ordering around the rowers.)

[Bruunhilde]

just got my own bac!

Holy Lord Roo, you have got a great vivid image in my mind in living motion.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

goodie! i succeeded! womenfolk like us (las solitarias) must have good imagery to keep us going like a duracell battery. gotta have plenty of those on hand, too! (what i really need is a good vibrator first.)

we like motion, don't we? (makes us our own little ocean.)

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

i feel so good right now! my sister is napping in my tree house of a bedroom, on my magic carpet bed (still waiting for it to produce that certain someone to join the ride). my son and his cuz, lounging upon sheepskins and quilts in the den, are watching phineas and ferb do their twists. i'm in the shade and breeze, under that tree whose days are numbered, writing with you all. my mom and her magnificent sis are on their way for dinner. and i don't feel one whit like having a drink. life is so good! i feel blessed to know this tranquility again. thank you bac, and dr A, and Dr L, and my home doc for the smile you gave when i told i had gotten sober. and, of course, thank you all here for bouncing and wiggling right along with me in collective joy and celebration for the life we're supposed to be living.

cocklebells ring!

roo

[GingerDust]

just got my own bac!

Rudy, you rock.

[Bruunhilde]

just got my own bac!

Oh Ruby, you asked the right person about tools. Lemmetellu. Dr Ruth and I both heartily recommend the eroscillator www.eroscillator.com/.

I just realized this AM that the reason one of my bedside clocks (I have three alarm clocks which may be a symptom of my anxiety as well as a manifestation of it!) is not working is the eroscillator was plugged in and the alarm clock pulled out. Hmmm.

Most embarrassing cleaning lady moment: Two very sheltered Mexican women cleaning my room and moved my bed to find the plugged in appliance in all its glory. They unplugged it and rolled the cord up and put it on my dresser.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

haven't caught up on the last few posts yet, but have right now to share the following quote with you, from in the rooms.

'i wondered what it was -what prissy instinct for self-preservation- held me back from a life of balls-to-the-walls addiction.'

i thought that was cleverly written.

oh, and here's another one:

'there were two types of men on this earth, i had concluded: the men who got up in the morning to shrug off their hangovers and pound away at novels that got called "bleak," "brutal," and "unflinching" and the types of men whose job it was to make sure that "unflinching" was spelled correctly on their dust jackets.'

hmmm, which type do you think i am? it really is a hard call, as you all well know i'm not a graet speller. (although, i guess i'd fall into neither, as i am not a man at all!) (and it fascinates me that he didn't use a comma after "unflinching." any takers on that one?)

this book might just keep me away from 'medium' and 'the office' tonight.

ok, now back to the posts...

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

bruun, did they wash it off first? that would've been the considerate thing...

and i thought the bunny was the best. is yours any cheaper?

ginger spice, you're welcome here any time!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

dinner was delicious, even the slightly-burned ribs. (for the complete menu, see bruun's thread. and let it state for the record, this dinner is as local as food can get. if we'd had tea, there would have been honey in it from 200 ft away.) conversation, predictably, was great. we talked about: monsanto and how they've suckered bee product makers into selling them their soul; small scale farming and the sustainability of agriculture worldwide (sis runs a non-profit organic-certification alternative for small farmers who sell locally. (i have a cousin who is about to be mayor of a very well-to-do and hip town just outside of nyc. i am more impressed by my sister.) (the farmers themselves that sis 'represents' don't have to be small, but their farms usually are.)). (oh my gollywaggers but that's a lot of paragraphing!)we talked about my sobriety and when i was a drunk. everybody listened to each other so well and so wisely.

after we ate (rather, while we were still going back for thirds on the brussels sprouts and seconds on the gnawing-experience of eating ribs which, btw, taste quite a bit like lamb no surprise), i sat in the dining room with them and gushed how nice it is to be having an evening with them during which i wasn't sneaking vodka from a coffee mug. (that rarely happened; i was usually pretty open about my drinking. i was blessed with a non-judgemental family.) right before that moment, i had rushed my son up to bed, as his eyes were red from rubbing and they were swimming in their sockets. 'i'm tired mommy' was all i needed to hear. i had a momentary panic in which i thought i should've put him to bed five minutes ago when he said that the first time. bad mommy! which thought was quickly followed by the deep rush of feeling so very fuckin glad that i wasn't drunk and ignoring him entirely. i wasn't stumbling as i rushed to pick him up, or unable to do so for lack of coordination. (followed by a rush of blood to my cheeks as i remembered times i've done that, times i've let him fall asleep in front of the tv 'cause i was too high to be bothered with taking care of him the right and loving way. i forgive myself for that, but i doubt i'll ever forget it. chin down.)

a significant internal turning point for me in my drinking career was when i was on the phone with my mother one evening. i was confessing to her the story of taking my son for a bike ride. (after first admitting that i had been drinking that evening, but i didn't feel drunk, but if she didn't want to talk to me because of it, i would understand. the conversation continued.) remember that story? it's of the time when i bought a liter, not just a pint, of decent vodka for a change. i drank just over half, probably on an empty stomach, probably within a few hours. (my that stuff went down as easily as the juice in which it was hidden! yikes.) g and i went for a bike ride. he wore a helmet. i stumbled around and a few times fell down. once i did so right on top of him, knocking him into a ditch and falling onto his little four-year-old body. when i told my mother this, she said, 'rudy, you have got to get help with this thing. you have got to take care of that little boy of yours.' she said that in a tone she never uses with me: a hushed but direct gravity. even though we were on the phone, i could see her face when she spoke those words.

it is my fervent wish that all mothers who struggle with the demon as i have find their way out. the road is icy and cruel, and the children are on its shoulders, vulnerable to the crashes of their poor mothers who can't unpry those wicked and tenacious tentacles. i think i need to spend moments every day envisioning that women of the world heal, and quickly, so they and their children may live the lives they were called here to live.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

i don't know how long it will be before i stop thinking like this. before i stop bouncing back to how it was when i was drinking, or how it could be still, and then forth again to how much better it is now. i said that to my mother this evening, after her sister, daughter, and nephew had gone back to my sister's house to tuck in for the night, after she and i had shared a smoke together. (ciggie, not weed, though she has been approved to get medical marijuana for her ms; i think she's curious and a bit inclined to try it some day. my kombucha neighbor makes a fine tincture with it.) her response was 'it's a process.' i jumped back, 'well, yes, it is, but in a very positive sense of the word, 'cause i'm enjoying it!' ...except for during those moments when i flush at memories of missteps due to booze.

[Bruunhilde]

just got my own bac!

Oh sweetheart, that's the kind of thing I would still be doing, so in spite of being alone and lonely, I do treasure the fact I'm not fucking up another child in my family tree.

Forgiveness of self is primary to healing. It's my focus. That and what to do with the hair/body/yard/house/job/finances/etc. My impulse lately is to stop worrying, and I so love being able to land here. And spill without judgement or retribution or other horrors.

Oh love is the answer, John Lennon. That song is like a prayer for a nonreligious person as well as a religious person. I am the former, and very connected, or more connected than I ever was before.

Roo, I was way too embarrassed to even check, but I've used it many times since. It's expensive by the way, but SO much better for me. My sisters and I have a difficult time getting there sometimes, and this gadget is a good bet when nothing else works. Its like a promisory note or sex insurance. What's it worth, how badly is it needed? Can a "body massager" work as well, are batteries really enough or do you need a plug in? I have a feeling you don't need the guarantee of orgasm that the E is for me. I've only had one boyfriend that found my gspot and could get me to have sex nightly. The rest, bleh.

Never tried the bunny, felt it would be worthless considering the above.

Also, so sorry your sis has MS, its a nightmare of a disease for so many. Does she juice?

Going to watch movie #2, movie number one jerked some tears outta me and gave me that damn message again about trying harder and not being negative and giving in.

That's at least three times today I've been slammed. Guess I should take the earplugs and heart plugs out?

kisses...

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

slammed, bruun!? i'd say it's the universe giving you a gentle nudge and a peck on the cheek like fairy dust to help you keep your chin up and look in the light for your lost quarters.

it's my mom, not my sis, who has ms. she does everything right under the sun to help her be strong and get well. her ms came in her early 40's, and when it appears that late, it doesn't usually progress so far as to land one in a wheelchair. she walks with a gimp and her bladder is often not cooperative. the help of a long series of healers, and currently a slammin' naturopath, has led her to be stronger -and thinner- than ever. she's doing just great!

so, i've never had success masturbating, i'm embarassed to admit. i even had a therapist once look at me with mild scorn and a furrowed brow (mom, that was delilah) and pretty much say there was something wrong with me in that, and i'd better figure it out. my response was that it wasn't much of a problem, as i usually had someone with whom to have sex. (how irritating was her response! i bought it just enough to feel a little bit worse about myself.) besides, i went on, when i'm really on the edge due to the need for an orgasm, usually along comes a wet dream, and i come to fruition in a jiffy, often merely by being near someone who throbs my heart (thanks, tim, for that one time). last i checked, my sister has the same kind of experience.

bruun, are you ever drunk in public? do you have things that make your face red to remember? don't you hate that?! especially when it's still the next day? time could never pass fast enough on those mornings.

i forgot to mention (again) that the morning after the biking incident, my son asked me, 'mommy, why did you keep falling down last night? you hurt me.' it was only then that i remembered that it had happened. my heart POUNDED, and my cheeks, throat, and chest were scarlet.

yes, we must forgive ourselves and move on with dignity.