just got my own bac!

[Bruunhilde]

just got my own bac!

Is, I looooove the Nails, I'd have to hear that song to know which one it is, its been so long. One of my many chores to do is reload all my CD's onto my laptop which took a major dump and the backup didn't seem to have all my music and photo files in it shitfuckdamnpisshell. Maybe its my chance to only put in the stuff that I really really want in there, instead of every cd I own. Oh and the CD's I don't own because I downloaded from iTunes and then my new iPod went bad a week later and I returned it and can't recover the songs because I don't know how, iTunes back then didn't have a forgiveness clause as far as I know, to let you redownload. I don't remember my acct # or password either. If anyone knows how to get over this little drama, I'd appreciate tips. I'm sure I just didn't read the fine print and I can get them back somehow, but I'm too fried to figure it out.

Have you tried gabapentin? I know, I know, another pill. But seriously, it does help. It has helped everyone I know who has tried it for mood lift. I take it PRN because I found, like bac, if I take it too often, my BP goes haywire.

[ifulovelife2]

just got my own bac!

Yep, I'll second that. Gabapentin is the dog's bollocks!

[Isolde]

just got my own bac!

Well, I found a psychiatrist that got good reviews. I just need to make an appt. I wanted to look into the ADHD thing, but as my mood hasn't been improving, I was thinking of discussing that as well. So I guess I can go ahead and throw gabapentin out there.

Bruun, I am sure that you will be able to redownload the songs that you paid for on iTunes. Your user ID should be your email address. Once you plug that in, you should have an option to click that says you forgot your password. Then they'll email you a link to change it or send you a temporary one. If you're not sure which email address you used, just keep trying the ones you use until you find one that iTunes recognizes.

[redhead77]

just got my own bac!

RudyB;1208520 wrote:

guess i'll go get my son. here's to hoping i can keep it together with him tonight - lately i lose my temper, and then feel horribly. i think i'll balance out soon enough, though. whereas i'm catching glimpses of equilibrium directly related to not clutching onto altering my mind or sucking down my energy, i'm also feeling a bit deprived; not only do i have no treat to enjoy, i can't even think of a treat i would want to enjoy. (except certain books, but somehow that's not the same, not as visceral a thrill. and oh yeah, a good shag would be nice, but i'm not even gonna touch that topic at the mo!)

xo rude rudy

I find myself short fused at times as well, Ru. I believe I wrote about this on my thread, when I was indifferent the first time. I felt the mind altering substances seem to soften the edges as far as parenting goes. It's incredibly stressful, especially the evenings. The boys bicker at times, homework needs to be completed, dinner needs to get cooked for hungry mouths that are irritable, because they are hungry. Really, what I thought was a softening of the edges, though, was about escape. You can bet I didn't live in the moment with the kids, and they could sense it. Now it has it's difficult moments (lots of them), but I don't miss the small stuff. I was always missing the small stuff before, and it's often the small stuff that makes me smile. It's that I sometimes find the most gratifying about being a parent. It's also the stuff that makes me appreciate the unique individuals that my kids are. Might I add, that it's really interesting how three people can grow up in the same household and be so different...but I digress.

Congratulations on your smoke quit! I think that's fanshaggatastic! (is now the time to fess up that I started smoking again?) I went over a month. At least I know how to do it, and now that I'm indifferent again, I'll give it another go soon. It's true what they say about picking up just one. Maybe not one, but the one turns into more and then viola! I think titrating up makes me crave nicotine more too.

Bebe, I think today has been a happy day!

[redhead77]

just got my own bac!

Hi there!

Ru, I wanted to tell you I've had a shorter fuse with my kids lately, too. I think it has to do with functioning without anything to 'soften the edges'. I used to be convinced I needed liquid patience and courage to single parent. What I found was, it didn't really soften the edges for me; it made them black. I missed out on so much of the small stuff. It's the small stuff that I find most gratifying about parenting. It's the little things that they do, that show me their unique personalities. Evenings now can sometimes feel like a chore. Dinner needs to be made; while they are hungry and irritable, homework needs to be done, chores and more chores. The boys might bicker. But, I don't miss anything! I, like you, am trying to find my equilibrium. I find so much joy in being in the present, but I also need to discover an alternative way to cope with the rest of it. Maybe it just comes with time?

I've used booze to calm my energy and then other times, I've needed it to give me energy. Like when I deal with the above. :H

I absolutely adore NIN. I used to listen to them when I was young (and I think I will start again, thanks for mentioning it, Is ), along with Rage Against the Machine. The German-Italian lover of my youth (the one I deleted the story of) got me into Rage. Now thinking about the title, I do rage against the machine. The machine that controls this country: Big Pharma, the corrupt and disgusting food industry, politics...

Congratulations, Ru, on your smoke quit! Another huge success for you. :l

I'm having a low energy day myself. I planned to get quite a bit done today, and haven't mustered up the energy for most of it. I've been off for a number of days, I sent the nanny home for a week so she could be with her family. She's staying here for Thanksgiving since it's my holiday to work this year. How kind is she to do that? Come to think of it, this is probably why I notice my fuse is shorter. I'm not used to doing this anymore without help! I guess I've become spoiled. :H

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

wow, everybody, just wow! so sorry to hear about all these blues. dammit. yesterday i was really, really down, in the depths of the dumps. then, the best thing happened, my monthly arrived -ten days early! (what's with that? maybe it's because i didn't really have one 3 wks ago because i was so damn skinny?) anywhoot, as soon as it arrived, my mood lifted. today i was happy as a springtime bird, all day. (funny, this morning my son remarked, just as i heard it myself: 'mommy, i hardly ever hear springtime birds these days.' right outside the bathroom window, we heard a chirper that i swear i havent heard in six weeks!)

i am so lucky that just a day here and there of off-hormones is what makes me wrestle the blues. god how quickly i bounce back! (it's not fair!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUYaosyR4bE&ob=av2e[/video]]Lily Allen - Not Fair - YouTube

i remind myself of what penelope cruz said about working w almodovar: i wish i could share this joy with everybody. i really do. and i don't know how to convey that without using plain words. if i could come visit and bring some in a basket, i would. or if i win the lottery -or my dad gives me that ostentatious coin- i'll pay all of your trips here for a hypno-santo-happy-o-healing-ceremony of sorts.

red, i know just what you mean about the whole mom thing. no wonder i drank! no wonder my nerves are fried these days! but, another good news: i am being overtaken by calm. it's 4 days since i quit smoking, and i think that has something to do with this new equilibrium. i haven't lost my shit in over 24 hours, yet nothing external has changed. i do find myself, like you, wishing for 'alternative ways of coping', but i haven't found any new ones. there are, simply, no more head-treats. running, though, still feels like a pretty good alternative to the lazy escape; i mean, like isolde, it makes me feel super good, and it's what i want to do now with my excess energy and angry bursts. i can live with that.

one thing that comes to my mind, over and over again, but especially while reading of so much disspiritedness in this here community, is how unnatural it is for us to live alone. our modern society has so many of us living such disconnected lives, just totally alone, apart from the trips into the world for provisions or work, errands or air. and this ain't no good! we're meant to be living in enclaves of collective attention to the common and individual good. but we're not. we're each woman/man to her/his self. this breeds illness and despair.

the other night my gal next door came over with her boys, and we threw together some victuals, sat down around the candle, and felt happier than we had all day. we'll do that more often, as togetherness is the best nourishment.

i was recently telling a friend about some study that showed the happiest places in the world to be in scandanavia, which is shocking, really, since it's so dark for so long there, and cold! naturally, being poverty-free helps, but that wasn't at the root of their discovery: it is the togetherness that makes them happy. this togetherness is borne of the need to have warm, cozy spaces in which to pass time, spaces that are built into their surrounds and their daily routines. there's a tacit understanding that this way of being is essential to survival. how many of us have that in our lives?

we have it here at mwo, in a way, i suppose. but it sure would be nice if we could all sit around the same real fire from time to time, if not every day.

with my native speakers i've been watching a puerto rican film (produced by benicio del toro, another boyfriend of mine, and starring luis guzman, decidedly not a boyfriend (if you know his mug, you know why)). (i promise, they work hard enough to justify watching these films, which are eye-opening and mind-expanding in their own right.) there are three separate stories running through the film, one of which involves two ex-husbands and an ex-wife in their 70's, all cohabitating. things are a bit jumpy for a while, as they adjust to the new arrangement, but there is a gentle hum of contentment and peace under the surface, giving levity to a potentially very awkward and unpleasant scenario. in one scene, florita is watering the flowers with a hose. it is evening and the peepers peep and crickets rub their legs together. the soothing sounds of a warm place give great comfort, but so does knowing that there are two others there with her, sharing a home and a quiet existence.

we're really not meant to live on our own, and i don't know how i've done it for so long without going nuts or suicidal. (oh yeah, i drank about it for two decades!) somehow, though, i've come through to the other side. i know that my beloveds here, you, too, will find your peace.

[Isolde]

just got my own bac!

redhead77;1209212 wrote:
I absolutely adore NIN. I used to listen to them when I was young (and I think I will start again, thanks for mentioning it, Is ), along with Rage Against the Machine. The German-Italian lover of my youth (the one I deleted the story of) got me into Rage. Now thinking about the title, I do rage against the machine. The machine that controls this country: Big Pharma, the corrupt and disgusting food industry, politics...

Yup, I was a big fan of RATM back in the day also! Well, I still am, but considering how long it's been since they've split up... you know that the remaining members of RATM got together w/Chris Cornell from Soundgarden to form Audioslave, another great band. One of my favorites of theirs is something I've been struggling with lately:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97YMa9KCnrc[/video]]Audioslave Show Me How To Live - lyrics - YouTube

And with the early dawn
Moving right along
Couldn?t buy me an eye full of sleep
And in the aching night
Under satellites
I was not received
Built with stolen parts
A telephone in my heart
Someone get me a priest
To put my mind to bed
This ringing in my head
Is this a cure or is this a disease

Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life now
Show me how to live
Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life now
Show me how to live

And in the afterbirth
On the quiet earth
Let the stains remind you
You thought you made a man
You better think again
Before my role defines you

Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me a life
Now show me how to live
Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life now
Show me how to live

And in your waiting hands
I will land
And roll out of my skin
And in your final hours I will stand
Ready to begin
Ready to begin
Ready to begin
Ready to begin

Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life now
Show me how to live
Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life now
Show me how to live
Show me how to live
Show me how to live
Show me how to live
Show me how to live

[Isolde]

just got my own bac!

Rudy, you are SO right. We are social creatures, and as such, are not meant to live in solitude. I have always been somewhat of a hermit, valuing my alone time, to the point of being anti-social at times. But for awhile lately, I have been feeling the importance of a strong circle, a support network, or just the comfort of another presence nearby. The last 2 weekends I have spent a lot of time with friends and family and I was the least blah during those times. Quite the opposite, actually!

I am grateful to have our little virtual campfires here at MWO, to be able to share our days, our struggles and triumphs, our lives with each other. I would love to be able to do this in person with all of you. :l Shall we all pack up and move to Scandinavia?

Btw Roo, amazing about your being able to quit smoking after one hypno session. That you were able to drop both the cigs and the pot just like that surely speaks to the power of hypnosis. How did you go about finding this hypnotherapist, btw?

I know what you mean about searching for an outlet, a "mind treat". I've thought about having a drink or 2 to numb the depression (and at times the anxiety), but I'm still too indifferent to give in (yay!). I wouldn't mind smoking a bit of herb here and there, as I never really got into doing that too often anyway, and so wouldn't worry about it becoming a habit. But I realized the other night, when I smoked a bit in the hopes of it helping me get back to sleep - it hasn't been having any effect on me. I realized that it wasn't just the other night. Times that I've hung out with people recently and had a few puffs, nothing happened. Who knows, maybe it's the coconut oil that's blocking the effect! :H I know it's not bac, and I can't think of anything else I've changed recently. Weird stuff. So that's not an option either. Of course there are other things I could do, but they hold no appeal (again, yay!).

Digging the new sig, btw.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

i got parental permission for my students to watch maldeamores/lovesickness -the puerto rican film- because there is some drinking in it, which you're not suposed to show in school. (yet, the principal bought two giant flat-screen tv's for the cafeteria -purportedly so the socially uncomfortable students will have something to zone in on- upon which are regularly demonstrated adverts for how amazing and wonderful is beer! (sports channels dominate.) you can buy it in a box and keep it in your fridge like a small keg! you can serve it at parties and be very popular and pretty! it will make you smile, broadly and white!) anywhoo, there is a birthday party scene in the film, in which florita takes out her jug of homemade rum, and i warned the students that they might get a little drunk. 'will they die in the end?' asked odette, while the gal next to her furrowed her brow in concern. oh my god, i wanted to squeeze them both tightly and for a long time! their innocence was so sage.

i had a priceless Obvious yesterday: on sunday i bought new wind pants for running in this season, and they kept falling down my ass, which was fun in a teenage-boy kinda way. the whole day i was yanking them up, except when i rolled them over at the waist for my run. lo and behold, on monday when i put them on after work, i discovered a draw string for cinching and tightening! imagine that! forest for the trees? hdb? idiot savant? daft tart? you tell me; i'd really like to know.

doggy, the last row of the season was, surprisingly, not a bit sad. i just kept thinking about how much fun it was in the moment, how much better it was than when i started out and was dealing with 14 other left arms in the boat with me, and how the season gets going again as early as march, at which time i'll still be riding the mountain. it could've been sad, but it wasn't. i'm onto the next exciting pasttime, which might start this weekend...! (guess i'd better get my new bindings mounted.)

holy high time, batman! es hora de soNar! (i've said enough, haven't i?! )

oh, except mom, yeah, you started the virgo-neurotic syntax tradition in my brain, sure, maybe, or maybe it was mr brussa in tenth grade english, but I started it here. you just back me up on it, and steer me correctly, which i appreciate. clearly it does take a village!

nitey nite, everybody. tomorrow: chins up, strong strides!

xo ru dee be

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

oh golly, can't resist, one more post...

isolde, the bac could be somewhat blocking your high from the weed (i think it did that for me somewhat, though clearly not entirely). interesting to consider the coconut oil a possible culprit. (?) or it could just be shit shag. either way, i'd caution against using it to fall asleep, but you know yourself. me, it just makes me, um, rather itchy for action, so it's a baaaad idea before an empty bed. no good as a sleep aid.

the hypnotherapist advertises on the local radio, that's how i knew about him. and his work is guaranteed; i went to him 3 times for 1 fee. this time it will stick because i'll do my booster shots (the cd). i already love myself more, which is the best possible outcome.

mom, you and i need to learn how to post quotes from other posts. i hear it's really, really easy.

and bebe, i'm glad to have read that it was (is?) a happy day for you.

was gonna catch up tonite, but the other threads will ahve to wait until tomorrow...

beddie bye.

[Isolde]

just got my own bac!

RudyB;1209240 wrote:
isolde, the bac could be somewhat blocking your high from the weed (i think it did that for me somewhat, though clearly not entirely). interesting to consider the coconut oil a possible culprit. (?) or it could just be shit shag. either way, i'd caution against using it to fall asleep, but you know yourself. me, it just makes me, um, rather itchy for action, so it's a baaaad idea before an empty bed. no good as a sleep aid.

Ah, I know what you mean. It tends to make me itchy for action too! :H Although I find it helps me to be still also, allowing my brain to focus on just one thing usually. And so I use it to help myself focus on my breath, and not on ALL of the other stuff that is usually running around in my head and keeping me awake. I was also thinking it might just be crap, but it's the same crap I've been smoking for the last year and change (it was an 8th bought LAST AUGUST, which goes to show just how often I smoke!). And I've had some from a friend who I know smokes good shit.

Ah well, so much for taking the edge off, eh? So I did a short weight workout (just shoulders and abs), had a carby homecooked meal, and followed it up with a cup of pumpkin spice tea made with vanilla coconut milk (fought some mild sugar cravings - those 3 days of dessert over the weekend reawakened the beast, grrr). Hopefully a few days of being off sugar will put the cravings back to rest. And if it gets tough, I can always remind myself that there will be a few pies to look forward to in just over a week! :H

Good night, all. I've decided that if (when) I wake up way before my alarm tomorrow morning, I should embrace the extra time and just get up and start my day, rather than lying in bed feeling grumpy about it.

[Bruunhilde]

just got my own bac!

Is, lying in bed awake too early and feeling grumpy about it. You just outlined my morning! :H I hate it! When its cold and dark, who wants to get up!!? Not a lotta me yuh.

[Isolde]

just got my own bac!

Bruunhilde;1209513 wrote: Is, lying in bed awake too early and feeling grumpy about it. You just outlined my morning! :H I hate it! When its cold and dark, who wants to get up!!? Not a lotta me yuh.

It's not even cold here and I still don't want to get up. Even though I can't fall back asleep, lying in bed still feels good. This morning I woke up at 5am, and got outta bed at 5:30. I was tired and lethargic and unmotivated, but I knew staying in bed any longer wouldn't change that anyway. About half an hour later, having washed my face and had coffee, I finally started to wake up. I used the time to prepare my food for today (with leftovers for later in the week - protein and stir fried veggies). I felt fine driving to work, but during an early conference call I kept nodding off. Cue the OxyElite Pro (and another cup of coffee). I'm really trying not to take that stuff every day, but lately it's the only thing that keeps me awake and functioning. Despite whether I take it or not, I don't feel tired in the evening, which is strange. It doesn't matter if I get to bed early anyway, because if I do, I just wake up earlier! Man this is a bizarre routine!

[Isolde]

just got my own bac!

BTW Bruun, the fruits of my kombucha labor have finally come to fruition! I bottled my small starter batch this morning (just 2 bottles), but have a full gallon brewing now with a large mother floating on top. I was even able to peel off a baby scoby (which is hanging out in the fridge as backup). I did a second fermentation of the small starter batch, with some crushed up pineapple in it for flavor, as well as providing sugar for the extra fermentation (it makes it more fizzy!). I was so daunted by this for so long, which is why I didn't try this sooner. But it's easy!

[RedThread12]

just got my own bac!

My time to check in here has been SO limited lately. Long, gory story that I'll bore you with another day. But the total experience has brought into strong magnification (for me) that the line separating disaster and despair from miracle is only one molecule thick.

I don't post a lot, anyway, but then I get to open MWO and find that very topic in discussion. Okay, go on, save my life with baclofen, save my bank account for knowing (from MWO) not to go to the ER when I overdosed, save my sanity by quoting lyrics/music that encompass it all (I have a few to share) and THEN talk about kombucha! :bow :bow

I had it going great guns last year, then left the country for 7 weeks and came back to a sh^tstorm of demands because of my mother's health. So all my mothers died :upset: (Ooops, my Mother mother is quite ill, but alive. My kombucha mothers died :H)

My very favoritist is ginger. I'm a ginger-lover, anyway, but it works great in kombucha and probably adds to the digestive support it's already providing. I also like the commercial "Guava Goddess," so I'll experiment with that when my life if predictable enough to get back in the process. In which case, I may be contacting you, Is, to see if you have any spare mothers. I wound up with more than I could use. I hope you do, too.

And there's one more topic, still on this one page of this one thread of this one forum, that I'll add $.02 toward. I will admit, and offer a reliable resource for, via PM, to periodically use of ritalin that I order online to get me through the doldrums of HDB. Helps a heap toward getting out of bed.

OK. Next topic? :l