I keep making bad choices

[Arura]

Hello, You don't know me yet but I've been reading and getting hope and sometimes needed humor from all of your posts for like a year and a half. I had many side effects so am only now up to 80 mg but major cravings still. I had a big blow out with my family while drunk and they dumped out my wine and they were furious. I can't let my brother down and be hungover tomorrow, it's important. But I'm drinking wine this morning and on a work day. Sheesh, it's hard because I work at home. I'm tired of looking hungover everywhere I go and when I drink I have no confidence, get really really depressed. I luckily called Dr. L. about three months ago so get bac at walgreens. I recently ordered piracetam online which really helped the side effects. I try to think like I've read, just keep taking the damn pills! I have to because when alcohol became my favorite thing I seemed to lose interest in everything else. Thank God for baclofen, I failed miserably at AA. Thank you all, you've kept me returning to this path. Will probably not post as well as you but I'll try to share my experiences when I can.

[Arura]

I keep making bad choices

Forgot to add that I have to be AF, family rules for their home for the black sheep me, tonight and tomorrow night and am terrified. Tips?

[taw]

I keep making bad choices

Welcome Arura! We have all been there! I for one completely understand the family thing! I have done the same thing while drunk...And usually need to drink to deal with them...but can no longer drink in front of them!
Will you be able to get on line and post here or maybe visit chat for some support while you are there?

How about a favorite AF drink you can take with you and constantly keep in your hand?

[LadyLush]

I keep making bad choices

Arura,

I put the 'black' in sheep as far as my family is concerned. I have been where you are and still have to fight for my reputation. Don't let them get you down.
The Bac has helped me tremenously and it will help you too. Don't worry how you post, just post! I am not as eloquent as most but that doesn't matter on here.
When I stay in touch with MWO the strength in me multiplies and yours will too.
Just keep taking the damn pills and hang in there.

Lady

Oh, Taw said find an AF drink you like. I drink cranberry and orange juice mixed together!
Hang in there :l

[tiptronic_ct]

I keep making bad choices

:hallo: Arura and welcome

Have a look at the Tool Box thread: https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html. There are lots of practical tips and tricks you can use to help you remain AF.

Good luck - and check in here as often as you can.

[bleep]

I keep making bad choices

Hi Arura, and welcome.

Life can be tough, without the added issue of hiding this. My family didn't even have sheep in it until I came along, a black one was unheard of! I, like you, was hopeless at AA, and at any other support group.

Listen to what Tiptronic has to say, there is a lot of wisdom to be gained from the toolbox. I put all of my faith in baclofen, and it paid off for me, but it sounds like you have other things to cope with as well!

If you are determined to hide your titration, it will be difficult, but possible. Is there no way you can come clean, even if only with those closest to you? Either way, know that we will be here!

Best of luck, in what sound to be quite trying conditions.

Consider this a good choice.

[RudyB]

I keep making bad choices

hey arura.
good luck with your challenges. we're rooting for you here!
please do feel free to post. my gosh, i hope it's obvious that we're only kidding around (re murph's thread that has gone punctuation-crazy ~ guilty here!). you don't have to be eloquent or even correct. just speak your mind and you'll find support. the folks here are great (even if they can't punctuate! ha ha.)
i have always found that if i eat, my desire for drink goes WAAAAY down. i'm sure you may have found this to be true, too. just a basic tip for you when dealing with family. snarf away the food, hold the favorite af bevvies, and good luck. and someone made a good query: is there anyone in your immediate family with whom you could confide for the much-needed support and non-judgement? i hope so... you surely deserve it. you are not guilty or an off-color sheep. you are a divine human with earthly human challenges.
xo rudy

[ignominious]

I keep making bad choices

:welcome:

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I keep making bad choices

Hi Arura and welcome!

Egad! The challenges we face sort of overwhelm me, even now! I, too, am a sheep of a different color. (I just spent several days with my family. AF is not an issue for me now, but damn! They could drive a woman to drink even when she's indifferent to booze! Clarified for me a bit whose colors are 'off' and whose colors are simply of a different hue...you know?)

Posting can be excruciating, I know only too well. When I first started I would spend hours, literally, working on what I was going to post before I put it on my thread. In MS Word so that EVERY little mistake was there in RED or GREEN. What a waste of time! Now I don't bother, witch is ofen evidant in mypooosts.
jkttdp
:l
Ne

[Arura]

I keep making bad choices

thank you so much all I blew it and didn't go to my family I think I could confide in my brother and thank you for the great tips I am just struggling but will remember them When I can face them again. I drank a whole weekend and slept for 2 days straight in front of them following a colonoscopy. I really hope they don't do an intervention, I would not go because it's AA. I hate that I'm hurting my family so much, Dr. L. said I will stop hurting them if I keep taking the pills so I will. thanks again for your kindness!

[LadyLush]

I keep making bad choices

Arura,
I use to dwell on what people thought and what a fool I had been at certain functions. Believe it or not the baclofen will help with that. I don't "dwell" anymore. It really has helped me just focus on me and the heck with everyone else. You will be okay. The anxiety and dwelling will subside.
Focus on you and we will all help you get through this.
I always compare this to losing a few pounds and remembering how long it took me to gain them yet wanting to lose them in days.
Give it time, one day at a time. :l

Lady

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I keep making bad choices

LadyLush;1114699 wrote: Arura,
I use to dwell on what people thought and what a fool I had been at certain functions. Believe it or not the baclofen will help with that. I don't "dwell" anymore. It really has helped me just focus on me and the heck with everyone else. You will be okay. The anxiety and dwelling will subside.
Focus on you and we will all help you get through this.
I always compare this to losing a few pounds and remembering how long it took me to gain them yet wanting to lose them in days.
Give it time, one day at a time. :l

What she said. In it's entirety. Hang in there, Arura, and keep posting. You won't believe who you were when you get to the place you where you are what you are meant to be. (does that make sense to anyone other than a Ne???)

Hang in, take the pills, keep your eyes FIRMLY on the goal and know this:
THERE IS REASON TO HOPE AND BE WELL.
Huge hugs from me.
Ne

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I keep making bad choices

I just realized, Arura, why I feel so deeply about what you posted. I was there a few short months ago. Now I'm so full of myself I delude myself into thinking that everyone, everywhere, knows just how fantabulous I really am.

Reminds me of a comment that Tina Fey (I want to be her when I grow up) said:

"I wanna thank my parents for raising me to have confidence that is disproportioned with my looks and abilities.”

Amen, sister! At least to the disproportionate confidence... the other part is a little ambiguous, in my case, as it may be in yours.

[Arura]

I keep making bad choices

Thank you all, Ne I read your posts daily and they are heaven sent. My dilemma is I don't want to go to rehab because they won't let me take baclofen. At 80 mg, I still want to drink. My plan now is to go to AA meetings near my family and not get a sponsor (Did that twice before and it did not go well, could have been my fault though), if I don't stop drinking I will lose my job. Also, last week for the first time, I drove in a blackout I think and broke my tire part. Luckily, I was on "sick time" that day and someone came and installed a new one. I feel pathetic. I've hurt lots of people. So, AA and I can't tell them about the baclofen and have to get a fake 30 day chip, I think. Anyway, I am so sad. My plan is to pick up a zofran prescription I have ready near my parents and pull out of this dreadful hangover that way. And I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't read these posts everyday. I would love to meet you all in October, I live near Chicago, I feel like I would throw my arms around you and tell you you were my lifelines. Thank you!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I keep making bad choices

Thanks so much for saying that about my thread. It means more to me than you know.

Your post helped me refocus on our trip to Chicago! I talked to Ed about it last night, and he's in, finally. (the first couple of times I brought it up his response was, in effect, "well, that would be fun for you." He harbors a bit of understandable resentment about my time on the computer and with my mwo friends. But now, on bac, and with a better understanding of who you all are, he TOTALLY gets it. Yay!
I hope you can come, it's sure to be fun!

As to the AA and the sponsor and the rest? hmmmm. Didn't work for me and I feel like I tried... With an open heart and an open mind. It just didn't jibe with the bac-journey, since the fundamental principles are so often contradictory. But whatev.

Here's the thing. The family stuff seems insurmountable. It all does, I'm sure. There is nothing worse, nothing, nothing, nothing, than sitting in a darkened room, drinking to the point of being physically ill day after day and mentally ill to the point of inevitable doom... The only thing that made sense to me at that point is that I keep drinking. And so I did. And puking. And spending money and making shitty decisions and on and on.

I hope I'm projecting, because I've certainly been in that exact place. If I'm not, then you need a friend. You've got one here, for sure. I'll pm you my info and I hope you'll call me today. If you're not in this country, you'll have to download skype. I cancelled my international calling plan because that phone bill was OUCH! :H

Here's the other thing, and a very important one: Low dose bac sucked for me in ways that I hesitate to relive publicly. I mean it was almost the worst experience of my life. It wasn't until I bumped up past 60mg/day that life started to resemble anything like living again. I know it's counterintuitive. I know that Dr. L recommends staying at certain levels until the SEs subside. I hovered around 60mg for FIVE weeks. BIG MISTAKE, for me. When I got to 70mg the world stopped tilting. When I got to 100mg it was firmly rotating on the correct axis. When I got to 140mg it started to feel like a place I really wanted to live.

What lady and taw said too.
Hang in. jkttdp. Post more. Reach out. We'll do a better job of being here.
:l and :h
Ne


I won't belabor the point.