Seeing the doc tomorrow

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Seeing the doc tomorrow

Yeah. Okay, I was actually going to say something about just that, but didn't want to suggest it in case that wasn't what it was.
I'm really sorry, Pete, that sucks. I don't know if you've dismissed the xanax thing, but that REALLY helped me. It was the only thing I found, other than arresting the thoughts before they consumed me, which I got pretty good at. I literally focused on jokes. I, sheesh. I figure you've had enough unsolicited advice from me, but rest assured, you're not going to die.
(btw, wanted to get back to that whole thing about telling people. Not so sure how I feel about my response anymore. Where are you with that?)
I hope you get some peaceful sleep tonight.

[RudyB]

Seeing the doc tomorrow

heya pete.
quick here computer's gonna die. sorry about the attacks! never had one for which i am very grateful. sound just awful.

get that book, 'healing without...'. he talks a bunch about those. and keep exercising. sorry i don't have much else at the mo. no experience to draw on.

will be thinking of you!
xo rudy

[RudyB]

Seeing the doc tomorrow

bac has done crazy things to my sleep. when i had those days of apnea, it was truly like dying, going to sleep. but that doesn't sound like it's it for you. but bac is funky w sleep. go up, like the wise folk say. things change at a new level.

sweet dreams, i promise you won't die. happy thoughts. (i ahve the morbidity thing, w no tracable cause. fuckin weird. i blame bac for that too. after all, it is a mind-alterer.)

[SlipperyPete]

Seeing the doc tomorrow

NE - your thoughts are welcome here, especially if you can help me fix my suicidal brain.

Xanax has been in the back of my mind, however there are a couple issues. My doc knows that I have an unnatural love for benzo's, and has said he's not interested in prescribing them. Most importantly though is that I don't know what purpose they would serve. Normally, panic attacks aren't really a problem, as they have been historically rare. The terror I'm feeling now has that distinct "physical withdrawal" feeling, however like I said before, the focus has moved to my brain. I'm not against using benzo's, I would just need to figure out in what context.

And Rudy - you mentioned exercise, which struck a chord. I haven't done shit all weekend, and I think exercise might play a part in my problems. Tomorrow I will head to the gym and lift weights and more importantly spend a bunch of time doing cardio. I think that might help.

[bleep]

Seeing the doc tomorrow

And fuck me, have a cigarette. Seriously. Not advice most would give, but one thing at a time. Nicotine withdrawal does crazy fucking things to me, I slept about 1 hour a night, felt like absolute shit, thought I was going to die, etc.

Good luck Slippery. This sounds dreadful.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Seeing the doc tomorrow

What they said! OMG! The cigarette thing! For sure. I also completely agree about the exercise, because for me it was definitely chemical and I need all those feel-good chemicals running around in my brain.

I don't know how I feel about benzos if you have big love for them. Ed has big love for them, too, apparently, though I did not know this prior to our experiment. (It's a husband-disease, at least in my experience, leaving out pertinent information. Like when the holiday party is. "When?" "In an hour!" but I digress.)
I DID know his last bender included the dog's xanax. All of it. (yes. I know. She was high strung before I got bac'd/sober too. Now she's fine.) Anyway, he takes it before he goes to sleep and he changed overnight. (ha!) He takes the exact same amount, day in and day out. If there had been any temptation on his part, or if I had noticed any discrepancy, I'd have tossed them, no hesitation. He would have, too. Eyes on the goal and all...
Anyway, maybe it's an option, 5 tabs at a time.* (He took .25 pm, and .25 am, sometimes .125 am. Now completely off of it, no withdrawal, no anxiety, no issues whatsoever.) I only ever took it when I felt there were no other options, and I was and am grateful for that. Maybe there's another outlet though? I haven't researched it AT ALL. (But I did, with the xanax, of course.) Like maybe, nicotine??!!
Smoke a cigarette, will you?
I hope it was an okay night for you.
*Preferably not at one time.

[SlipperyPete]

Seeing the doc tomorrow

I've been thinking a lot lately. I feel that this past weekend was a major breakthrough for me. Depression and anxiety have made me petrified to live my life. Baclofen has fundamentally and abruptly thrust me back into reality.

I awoke from an hour long nap and subsequently had a huge panic attack. "This is too real." I kept telling myself. "I can't handle this shit." After talking to some very supportive people, I was able to calm down and gather my thoughts.

I can no longer hide in the shadows like I've been doing. I have to decide to live my life. This is so scary to me. The thought of stopping bac so I could go back to my alcoholic morass of ignorance has popped into my mind. What a waste that would be, though. This is harder than I imagined, but I can already see that the potential rewards are mind boggling.

So, here is my reality: I have no idea how to live my life. I have no idea how to relate to people. I have no idea how to find support for myself. But, I will start to learn.
All you guys here have given me so much hope, and I appreciate all your guys' support. There are no words for the gratitude I feel.

The panic attacks I've been having are stemming from a fear of death, however I've realized what I've really feared all along is living life.

I think I'm finally open enough to truly talk to a therapist now, which is something that I see I desperately need to do.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Seeing the doc tomorrow

SlipperyPete;1149544 wrote: however I've realized what I've really feared all along is living life.

Wow. I can so relate to that realization. My most irrational fear: Living life.
(Turns out I really, really, really like it. I hope you do, too.)

Infinite gratitude for your input and the forum and the peeps and MWO too.
:l
Ne
(btw, not to be a mom-type or anything, but according to my calculations it's the middle of the er, morning. Hope you get some sleep! It's really good for you, it turns out. Don't let the mind tell you otherwise!)

[bleep]

Seeing the doc tomorrow

It's tricky, this life thing. Alcohol doesn't make it easier to handle, it just makes it easier to miss. And without alcohol, it's even trickier. But you stop missing as much when you stop drinking so much, and after a while, that becomes a good thing. In the beginning, it can seem like a bit too much, but it's not, really, it's just the contrast is so great. You'll get the hang of it, and it's actually quite fun, once you're used to it. Strange, but fun. It's what other people have being doing all this time, while we were at the bar wondering what the fuck these people did all the time, and how they filled their lives.

That's a great realisation to come to Slippery. It will work out for you.

[Bruunhilde]

Seeing the doc tomorrow

Pete,

Sounds like a revelation! Don't look at the forest and get overwhelmed, learn tree by tree. That's what I'm doing. Thinking about all that I need to catch up on makes me crazy. It will come more quickly to you if you can relax - I hope raising the bac dose helps you relax. Therapy is a great idea; I'm not ready for that, I think I need to get stronger first. Everyone's path is different. You are making great strides!

Edit: Just think about how much easier it will be to live life NOT hungover and in great physical distress.

[LadyLush]

Seeing the doc tomorrow

SlipperyPete;1149544 wrote: I've been thinking a lot lately. I feel that this past weekend was a major breakthrough for me. Depression and anxiety have made me petrified to live my life. Baclofen has fundamentally and abruptly thrust me back into reality.

I awoke from an hour long nap and subsequently had a huge panic attack. "This is too real." I kept telling myself. "I can't handle this shit." After talking to some very supportive people, I was able to calm down and gather my thoughts.

I can no longer hide in the shadows like I've been doing. I have to decide to live my life. This is so scary to me. The thought of stopping bac so I could go back to my alcoholic morass of ignorance has popped into my mind. What a waste that would be, though. This is harder than I imagined, but I can already see that the potential rewards are mind boggling.

So, here is my reality: I have no idea how to live my life. I have no idea how to relate to people. I have no idea how to find support for myself. But, I will start to learn.
All you guys here have given me so much hope, and I appreciate all your guys' support. There are no words for the gratitude I feel.

The panic attacks I've been having are stemming from a fear of death, however I've realized what I've really feared all along is living life.

I think I'm finally open enough to truly talk to a therapist now, which is something that I see I desperately need to do.

SP,

I could have written this word for word. It's a scary thing, being sober and actually seeing life through clear eyes. Scary, but the most wonderful thing I have done in years. We are a couple of the lucky ones Pete, so very, very, lucky.
Grab on to this life and never let it go again.

Bleep, you said it perfectly
"It's tricky, this life thing. Alcohol doesn't make it easier to handle, it just makes it easier to miss" So very well put.

Love all of you!
LL
LL

[Murphyx]

Seeing the doc tomorrow

Ummm, I'm no good at all this deep stuff so:

You only get one shot at life, there ain't no dress rehearsal.

Wow, I'm so profound.

[SlipperyPete]

Seeing the doc tomorrow

OMG, so people CAN actually relate to me? And here I was, thinking I was the most unique, special guy in the world.

[Lo0p]

Seeing the doc tomorrow

Song for you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fxiFoYMsIJw[/video]]‪Parabola lyrics - Tool - Lateralus‬‏ - YouTube

Now get your ass to the gym!

[SlipperyPete]

Seeing the doc tomorrow

I'll check that out once I get home. My computer decided to crash every 2 seconds so it's basically useless. I had to go to the library to use their greasy computers and see some creepy guy watch hardcore porn. Yes, I'm at a library downtown, and some guy is watching porn. There's like 1000 people in this room...

But is that tool? Don't they play the guitar? Techno all the way! Nt nt nt nt