I'm a pretty hardcore alcoholic. I could easily put away a litre of vodka in the course of a day. I had a nervous breakdown about two years ago and have been trying to kick both the alcohol and the depression since. The depression definitely started first; the drinking was my way of dealing with it. I've heard a lot of people in AA meetings say that they thought they were always an alcoholic, but I'm pretty sure I had to put the effort in to get there. And boy, did I get there.
After moving back home with the folks I've tried numerous times to give up through AA, the local alcohol treatment unit and eventually twenty-eight days in rehab. I heard about Baclofen in August of last year, but couldn't find anyone to recommend it- my GP wouldn't prescribe it off-licence and the doctor at the rehab centre dismissed it out of hand. The feeling at AA was that if I had to take a pill to stop drinking I wouldn't be achieving 'true' sobriety, and if I couldn't stop using willpower it was because I didn't truly want to stop.
But does any alcoholic ever truly want to stop? If you'd asked me if I wanted to stop a year ago I honestly couldn't answer. What I would have liked to do is continue drinking but have none of the associated problems. I could certainly see the need to stop and the consequences of not stopping, but if you'd offered me a drink I probably still would have said yes.
Anyway, rehab worked better than straight AA- met some great people, shed a few tears, had a relaxing month in the country in a safe environment, reclaimed a bit of my humanity, etc etc. I started smoking again too, but that's beside the point.
I managed about three months sober afterwards, mostly because I was too scared to drink. But after a while the cravings got too much, and I relapsed. The longest I managed after that was about six weeks. I was at least honest with my parents about when I'd drunk and when I hadn't, which helped, but I was still on edge any time I left the house. Fear was keeping me sober, but it was also keeping me from getting back to reality.
Fast foward to about two months ago: my cat died. Poor Ambrose. He was keeping me sane, and was genuinely affectionate (which is pretty rare for cats). I just knew I was looking at another relapse, so I decided to screw the advice and try Baclofen. The stuff arrived about two weeks later. About forty minutes after taking my first pill I noticed a difference- the part of my internal monologue that was dedicated to drink switched off for about twenty minutes. Thing is, I hadn't really noticed that it was there at all until after it had gone.
Before then everything to do with booze had consumed me- not just the drinking, but also the strange comfort that I got from simply buying it; the pleasing weight of a bottle of vodka in my bag on the walk home, the knowledge that even if I wasn't drinking it now, I'd be able to drink it later; the qualia of just owning alcohol. I was secretly hoping for the day when I could safely drink again, worried that I'd never be able to share a quiet pint with a friend or get a girlfriend without a few drinks to break the ice. And when I did drink, I had the overwhelming feeling that it was somehow correct.
As I've increased the dose- I'm on 240mg a day now- the length of time I've spent without that aspect of my psyche has increased. I still get the urge to drink, but it's more to do with suppressing the depression than with a direct need for booze.
About two weeks after the first pill I started feeling depressed, and decided to get some vodka. I bought it, but had none of the feelings of release that I used to get from buying alcohol. When I did drink it later, I didn't really get the same buzz. It got me drunk, but I only had half the bottle that night, saving the rest for the next day. I drank that too, but mostly just to get over the hangover. I spent the rest of the day feeling crap, but didn't feel the need to get any more.
I can see the difference between the two feelings now- before, it felt like they were expressions of the same thing. It's easier to deal with the academic desire to blot everything out when it's not being backed up by a visceral urge.
Now, I've yet to reach the critical dosage, but I'm sure it's having an effect. It can't just be psychological. The only side effects I've had so far are sleep-loss and mild constipation. I've started going to the gym again to help with the former, and I might get some laxatives for the latter if it continues. The anti-depressants I'm taking- mirtazapine- have a sedative effect, so I'm loathe to add sleeping pills into the mix. I'm still getting bouts of depression, but I'm hoping the increased exercise will help- I'm told exercise is particularly effective for young men, and I'm only 29, so fingers crossed.
That's where I'm at- can anyone identify with this, or is it just me? Thanks for reading regardless.
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