Confused about wanting to be sober

[GettingSerious]

Prologue: Yes, this is probably a blog-style post that would be better suited in the blog portion of this forum. I have been advised, however, that the blog portion of this forum is "moribund" (which I thesaurused - "being in the state of dying, approaching death, being in a state of inactivity or obsolescense"). So, you know, here I am, in this very much active, alive, and participatory community. Thanks for having me, bloggy or not.

Ok. So. I've been posting on these boards for a (little) while. probably since the start of 2011. lurked for probably 4-5 months before that. the first posts were the typical "I can't do this anymore," "I'm so scared, what's going to happen," "am I going to tear all my clothing off and expound on the virtues of the jalapeno popper in the middle of a board meeting because I ran out of bac," etc. etc.

I finally ordered bac online and took my first dose on April 26, 2011. It was a rocky road. My worst side effects were extreme fatigue and idiocy. I was pretty good about maintaining the same (steadily increasing) dose level every few days/week that first month (I was following what I understood to be the most recent Dr. L protocol at the time - 7 days at a dose then up 20mg), but not very good at taking it at regular times (which I understand now is very helpful in decreasing side effects).

Unfortunately, my life also began undergoing a major change around that time, necessitating I travel a whole heck of a lot more than I did before. It is very hard to stick to a regimented drug schedule when traveling incessantly, but I'm sure I don't have to tell you guys that. I also had to put myself out into the public eye a LOT more, and you know, being an idiot really just doesn't grease the social wheels, so to speak. I ordered the Piracetam, and you know, who knows if it works.

Round about Memorial Day (i.e., 1 month in) I fell off the bac of the wagon, if you get my drift. Had some anxiety, probably early withdrawals, etc. Anyway, I rededicated myself and kept on keepin on, and I will have to say that right around the end of June (Month #2, 140 mg/day) I was starting to feel something. It was so subtle, unless you're an alkie you'd never notice. For example, one night I ran out of wine and it was raining. And I decided that it was way too much of a pain in the a** to go out in the rain (walk a block, mind you) to get myself another bottle. Crazy talk, right? Me who has taken a taxi-cab sixteen miles into the next county because the liquor stores are open later there. And you know, the night after, I kind of forgot about the lack of wine in the house, got sidetracked with something else....

unprecedented.

But, I just couldn't stay in that place. For work reasons, personal reasons, etc. I had to come down off the 140mg. I stayed at 100mg for an entire month with literally no side effects whatsoever, meaning to titrate up again when summer came and stuff calmed down.

shit's hit the fan, though, and I won't go into it here other than to say I gave notice today and am moving to Manhattan. Suffice to say that I have completely stopped taking bac on any regular basis. One day I take 100 mg, one day I take 30, the next day I take none, and I see no difference. AND, I feel all right about my drinking now. Mind you, I reconize that drinking a bottle of wine per night is problematic, and that I still do from time to time. But it's really weird. I just don't feel all that bad about it anymore. I've had liver tests - they're fine - kidney tests - fine. Haven't showed up to work late in ages, haven't felt sick or wanted to puke in the shower since before April.

It's almost like, in my head, I'm free of the wine. it's just my body that wants it. I've NEVER, EVER wanted to be sober. I hope that doens't make me some kind of MWO outcast.

Anyway, just kvetching.

[bleep]

Confused about wanting to be sober

Moribund. Fine choice of word, if I do say so myself.

If you're happy with where you are, then there's no reason at all to do anything more. Do you think the baclofen helped with this realisation, or was it just a personal thing?

[Otter]

Confused about wanting to be sober

MY theory is that Baclofen switches off the cravings but there is a second aspect of alcoholism which is dietary. If you read Seven Weeks to Sobriety they tackle alcoholism form an entirely different direction. Their theory is that it is a hypoglycaemic thing. In other words, the body craves sugar and ultimately alcohol which is just a super refined sugar.

I think of it as being a bit like car mechanics. You find your car is not performing properly and you fix a part of the electrical circuitry which you think might be causing the problem but it still is not performing. Then you check the fuel system and find that your fuel filter is clogged. Or maybe you are putting in the wrong fuel.

Seven Weeks concentrates on correcting nutrition to eliminate that type of craving. Funny enough, they then isolate an anxiety which remains in dry alcoholics and recommend taking GABA!!! But, their approach is hugely expensive. I came to this site not believing that Baclofen was the only answer and wondering where this sugar reaction came into it. Having seen Baclofen work, to a degree but not entirely, I now think I was right at the start and there are, in fact, at least two biological factors in drinking, one is craving, having to do with neurotransmission (electrical) and the other is to do with nutrition (fuel). If you don't have the second problem and your diet is ok then Baclofen is probably enough. It is hard in this processed food world we live in to change diet.

I also believe that there is a reason to drink just for the enjoyment of it, to lift the spirits and a lot of people just miss that which is why it may be too harsh a regime to aim for abstemiousness as a goal and use it as a test. Does one have to never drink to show that Baclofen works to stop one from dying from alcoholism? Is there a happy medium? Is it actually misleading people to suggest that Baclofen will make them indifferent AND happy and the happiness will come simply from their being alcohol free? Or, is it leaving a lot of people "hollow" with no way of finding any comfort at all from the strains of life?

I know Baclofen does what it says. I just don't think, anymore that it is the full answer to the dilemma of someone who has drunk for many years and I think it sets a lot of people up for disappointment if they think it is the answer to everything.

I was reading about Zen last night and it occurs to me that Zen focuses on anxiety and dealing with it through meditation. What I read struck me as being similar to the experience one has with Baclofen. Maybe through the methods of Zen one can actually control the craving part of the brain naturally.

I think that if you have got to a point with Baclofen where you feel comfortable with yourself then that is a success and you should look at other factors. Many people live long lives and drink till they die so it is not necessarily the case that returning to moderate drinking is either a failure or a threat to your existence.

Relax.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Confused about wanting to be sober

GS! Wow!
I hope it's an exciting move in the right direction!

Do what you're comfortable with, where you're comfortable with it. Bac/post/work/life-wise. The point of all of this is to get to a place, literally and figuratively, that you can live comfortably. It's not, thank what matters, black and white, all or nothing. And bac is not, from what I can tell, a one shot deal in terms of indifference. If and when you want to take more, you can.

I really believe, based on my own experience and spending too much time here over the last year+ that jumping around in terms of dosing will cause painful and debilitating SEs that cause people to just quit. And it's a life saver. Better to manage it than quit, in my opinion.

It might be the perfect opportunity to simply get it done. You know? If it's the anti-opportunity, which seems more likely, (moving, aaaargh) then taking bac (regularly, I'd think) should help you maintain some semblance of sanity.

Good luck with the move! I'm glad MWO travels with people. No need to leave us behind.

Ne

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Confused about wanting to be sober

Oh, and the not getting another bottle, or forgetting that there wasn't wine in the house? THAT was an experience that still makes me grin, even now. Completely inconceivable, and yet, there it is. (or was...)