Hoping this is the start of my journey to freedom

[Jimmy-Bac]

Hoping this is the start of my journey to freedom

Thanks Rudy. I am taking mirtazapine for the depression, it has always worked well. Not so much for anxiety though. I used to be on citalopram as well, which was good for the anxiety, but weaned myself off a few months ago. Strangely though, I'm feeling a bit better after dropping to 30mg instead of 45mg of mirtazapine. Getting up in the morning is a lot easier. I'm aware of a lot of the feelings of depression and if I remind myself to write here and listen to you all, it will help me focus on the end goal and ignore the depression more. I have also realised now I'm thinking a bit more straight, that the chemist gave me a different type of pill last week. One that dissolves on your tongue. I went back to my normal pills last night and so far today am feeling better. Maybe it's not the baclofen after all. I will keep an eye on things over the next couple of days and see.

Thanks SlipperyPete. Today is my day to move to 140mg, so I am taking them 20mg at a time and will see if it helps. I could do with something that has 7 alarms on it to remind me! There must be an app for that.

Thanks again everyone, positivity is returning. Less trudging, more strolling!

[Jimmy-Bac]

Hoping this is the start of my journey to freedom

Quick update. I've been on 160mg for the last few days and moving up to 180mg today. Still getting anxiety, although it's not as extreme since taking 20mg every 2 hours. I'm also still feeling very tired throughout the day. The latest addition to side effects is some kind of sleep paralysis. I wake up at 4 or 5am and my body feels like it weighs a tonne and i have to take a big intake of breath. I have to force myself to sit up until my body starts to feel normal, then lye down again. Only to wake up in the same way 3 minutes later! it goes on like this until I might manage an hour, but either way it's pretty scary. I would imagine this is the combination of mirtazapine, baclofen and alcohol. All of which cause tiredness. I just can't seem to go without a few drinks. Usual story - Every morning I wake up and say I won't drink tonight. Fast forward to 8pm and i'm sipping a beer! It's hard to imagine that this is all going to magically work out, but sod it i'll just carry on. I have no other choice and I have so many plans for the 'new me' I must continue.

I don't normally experience side effects from medication, so this journey has been rougher than anticipated. I remain optimistic nether the less. Lets see what 180mg brings....

[SlipperyPete]

Hoping this is the start of my journey to freedom

Jimmy, I'm thinking you'd be less anxious if you:
1. Stopped worrying about drinking like Murphy suggested previously. It seems like it would be easier for you to do if...
2. You put more faith in baclofen. While it's not needed, I think it would help relax you. Bac works for the vast majority of people, and from what I've read of your thread, there's no reason to think you're part of that small minority. It seems very weird to imagine all of a sudden *not wanting* that drink at night, but it WILL happen, so take a deep breath and let bac do its magic. When I started, I told myself "I'm not going to drink tonight" for maybe the first few days until everyone told me to relax, it's not going to happen overnight." It can seem frustrating that you're still drinking, and getting new and weird SE's to boot, but this will all be in the past soon.

Keep your head up,

[Jimmy-Bac]

Hoping this is the start of my journey to freedom

Thanks SlipperyPete,

I am really having to watch the old inner voices. I can be quite hard on myself and seem to keep forgetting other's advice. I've spent half my life an alcoholic, so I need to remind myself to be patient and just accept the side effects and move on. I have changed my schedule and am so far feeling better today. I've started taking the pills at 6am and then every 2 hours, which gives me more time in the evening before I take my antidepressant. I noticed that I slept better last night and haven't had the crazy tiredness today.

I'm feeling more positive now, so :thanks: again for the encouragement. I really appreciate it.

[SlipperyPete]

Hoping this is the start of my journey to freedom

Well that's great news dude. It seems like taking the last dose further away from bedtime can reduce the sleep issues a bit. Keep us updated, whether it's good, bad, or what-have-you.
Also, keep a look out for the good SE's, which rarely seem to be discussed these days. They mainly seem to becaused by Oxytocin, AKA The Love Hormone. It's released, among other things, during love-making and by MDMA. I recall fondly several times feeling like I was rolling on ecstasy, only much less intense.

[Jimmy-Bac]

Hoping this is the start of my journey to freedom

It's been 6 days since my last post. I wish I could say I'm feeling great, but i'm not. I feel awful and really alone. Day after day of non stop anxiety and it's really getting me down. I've been on 200mg for the last 2 days, but I'm going to stop at 175mg today and maybe go down for a while. I'm becoming more and more withdrawn and constantly laying on my bed trying to summon the energy to do something. I feel a bit trapped now as I can't just stop taking the bac, but i need a few days off from feeling like this. Maybe if I drop to 160mg for a couple of days and see what happens. I am taking every vitamin I can get my hands on, but just feel run down and sooo tired!

I really need this to work, as I have no other plan of what to do. I'm not beating myself up mentally and trying to live with the side effects, but I don't think I can any longer.

I just hope by dropping down tomorrow things ease off. I really hope so....

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Hoping this is the start of my journey to freedom

Hi, Jimmy.
I'm sorry you're feeling so poorly. I'm going to offer some suggestions based on my own experience, strength and hope.
It can be really, really tough going. In some ways the hardest part is not having a lot of support. The thing is, it is imperative to keep your eyes on the goal. There's not a way to get healthy that doesn't involve some really intense hardship. Not one.
If this is indeed your last hope, if this must work for you, I can't imagine why you would go down. Down is not the way to freedom. I've read enough of your story to know that you've pushed the limits with alcohol and other things many times. It's amazing what we have to go through to get to the point where enough is enough, isn't it? Amazing as in terrifying and so sad. Active alcoholism is a tough life. Tougher than anything I've ever done or been through. Except taking bac. Taking bac was an endurance test for me. In many ways it tested my strength and resolve and sometimes it felt like it was testing my sanity. In the thick of all of it, though, I was able to compare it to how I felt hungover. Or drunk against my will.

Most often what got me through was returning here, on a daily basis, to find support and suggestions. It doesn't work, though, unless you participate and offer support and suggestions to others. Isolation and loneliness are self-induced and self-imposed. You have a choice about that, too, Jimmy.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, or guilty or anything. I'm guessing, based on more than a year that I've spent on this forum, that you're likely to give up. That nothing I can say or do will make much of a difference at this point. I'll be honest, it breaks my heart but it also makes me a bit angry. This is a way out. The solutions are here, yours for the taking. But you've got to give to get. That's simply the way the universe works. Thank goodness.

In a nutshell, here's what I'd advise: Take more. Quit taking all the other stuff you're loading up on and focus on the one and only thing that will transform your life. Quit drinking. Drinking compounds the side effects. Drinking makes you feel more isolated, more unable to focus on the goal, much more physically ill.
I've felt trapped by bac. It's a terrible, horrible feeling. I've felt like I couldn't go up, couldn't get off of it quickly enough, and someone important to me suggested I quit. My friends here encouraged me to simply take the pills. To take more, or if I took less, to just keep taking the pills until it was all over and done with. So I did.
Finally, Jimmy, find a way to get off of the bed and out of the house on a schedule every single day. I don't care if you feel like you're a drooling nincompoop, that your ankles don't move right and the world is topsy-turvy. Walk. Talk. Do things. Every day. Watching tv/internet doesn't count. In fact, it's likely to make you more sick.

I'm free. I would happily give that miracle to everyone I have ever or will ever know. But I can't. I can simply tell you that if you keep taking the pills you will get here.

Hang in there.
Karen

[RudyB]

Hoping this is the start of my journey to freedom

hi jimmy. sorry to read you're feeling so down. i think ne's advice is good. going down? i dunno, but i understand the temptation. i went down only to find myself in the clutches of the beast again and that made me feel like worse shit.

what can you DO to get yourself out of bed? find things that inspire you in that thar spain. what are your interests? find them again if they've been lost. try 5htp for what sounds like depression. reach out, make connections to others. keep your chin up. keep posting. take a gander to some other threads for inspiration, and for shits and giggles. be glad you're not in ny state, where it's getting really cold. speak some castillian on my behalf.

stay strong, jimmy, or GET strong. you can pull through this!

xo rudy

[Murphyx]

Hoping this is the start of my journey to freedom

I wouldn't normally suggest this, but if you're seriously thinking of going down even though you don't have a plan B, then go up to 300.

Take an extra 100mg, ride the SEs for a few days and see if you don't find the switch.

Jimmy the SE's will fuck you up mate, but if you're man enough ... SHIT OR BUST!

[Jimmy-Bac]

Hoping this is the start of my journey to freedom

Thanks for taking the time and offering your advice. Ne, I know I should participate more, but i'm in that stage of 'if you don't have anything useful to say, don't say anything at all'. I hope that makes sense. I am following all of your threads and drawing as much inspiration as I can from them. I even emailed Dr Ameisen last night and got a responce in 5 minutes! he put me in touch with someone, but unfortunately she is in France not Spain.

What you have said to me makes sense. Don't go down, go up! So today I am going to go for 230mg and tomorrow 260mg. I have also upped my antidepressant to 45mg, which I should have really stayed on in the first place.

On a more positive note. What I thought was sleep paralysis, I figured out was something else. I basically suffer from acid reflux and take omeprazole to counteract it. This was actually not enough and the acid was coming back into my esophagus and causing the difficulty in breathing. I remembered this happening to someone I knew and to remedy it, they had to put 2 bricks under the legs at the head end of the bed so they slept on a slight downward angle to stop acid coming back up. Well, i did this last night and had my first proper nights sleep in 6 days. I think in the last 6 days I have managed 2 to 3 hours a night. As a result i feel more awake today and more positive.

Honestly, yesterday I was so sleep deprived and so anxious I was almost sick. I didn't want to stop, but really felt miserable. I know baclofen has the ability to transform my life and today I am grateful for that. It's just when i'm in that depressed state, it's very difficult to see any light at the end of the tunnel. Thankfully today I am feeling a bit more like my old self and will carry on the bac journey.

I know I should post in other threads and just need to get myself together. I will try, I promise you that.

Thanks again for taking the time to help me out. Sometimes it can be a lonely world. Today at least, I don't feel alone. :l

[TakeHeart]

Hoping this is the start of my journey to freedom

Ahh, Jimmy, you are certainly not alone. :h

I can relate to so much of what you're saying. Depression is a horrible thing. I've been in that black hole and can empathize. Sounds like you are on the right track. Glad to hear you are going up in both your Bac and anti-depressant.

Sending hugs and good wishes to Spain for you! Keep us posted!

[Jimmy-Bac]

Hoping this is the start of my journey to freedom

Thanks TakeHeart. :l

Things are getting much better now. Now I figured out the breathing problem, I am getting much better nights sleep and feeling better for it the next day. All I am left with is tiredness, but I can handle that. I also have to report that last night I didn't touch a drop of alcohol. Very strange. I didn't have the urge for it and by the time night came around I was too tired to go out and buy any, so just went without. Could I be nearing the switch? I feel pretty calm, but cant say for sure. Fingers crossed........

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Hoping this is the start of my journey to freedom

Jimmy-Bac;1180911 wrote:

I also have to report that last night I didn't touch a drop of alcohol. Very strange. I didn't have the urge for it and by the time night came around I was too tired to go out and buy any, so just went without.

WOOO TO THE HOOOOOOOOOO!

Cue the music big boy, sounds to me like the fat lady's going to start singin'

(Let me know when I can start dancing on that ol' beast's grave will you? I love a good beasty-grave-dance.)
:l and :h and :H:H:H

[Murphyx]

Hoping this is the start of my journey to freedom

Looking good Jimmy.

[RudyB]

Hoping this is the start of my journey to freedom

yayyy jimmy! please keep us posted.