Sammi Starts Bac

[windycitylady]

Sammi Starts Bac

See? I knew there was a reason I don't post more often. Listen to these guys, sammi. They know whereof they speak.

[missyabby1]

Sammi Starts Bac

Hi Sammi, it would seem you are getting some really good advice here. I really hope it works out for you. It may seem scarey, and I would not do it, but you seem a person who needs not to give up. There are so many people who are rooting for you, me too, give it your best shot.

Missy xx Pm me if you need to. It would seem this is the ticket if you can hang out with the SE's

[Sammi33]

Sammi Starts Bac

Hi everyone, thanks again for the support.

WCL I really appreciated your post.

I know you feel that he should be comforting you more, but maybe in his mind just still being around should be enough.
This really struck a chord for me, so many emotions and complications involved. I think what you are saying is probably true, it's just a really hard time and things are still really tough at home. You are right I do love him dearly. He also has a 5-10K a week gambling habit (I say habit he says hobby) and he makes things really tough for me sometimes too. I don't think he even knows it most of the time because I am very careful to be supportive and non judgemental, so I guess that is part of the reason I resent him not being more understanding of me. Also his problem is easier to hide, what I know about is bad enough I shudder to think about what I don't.

Reggie, thanks for the song, loved it, started a whole new waterfall of tears.

So those early days when you go AF are nothing to do with bac and everything to do with willpower i.e. forcing yourself to not drink. That pressure builds up, and just as you experienced, there's often a blowout, which can manifest itself in depression, concentrating on and exaggerating SEs or, as in your case, a big drinking session with dreadful results.

So true, it just builds up and then the blowout is inevitable. Although I can feel judging eyes on me every time I have a drink in my hand at the moment so I am trying to ease the tension at home by proving I am trying to be a "good girl". I know this could be counterproductive too I blowout/reward after a few days, but I am just trying to keep everything in my life (AL, bac, work, home) in some sort of bearable state at the moment.

So I have gone up on bac, one day only though. Feel a bit foggy but working at home for a few days so should be fine. I am thinking of adding in Naltrexone. I have had success with it before but for some stupid reason I stopped taking it and when I went to my doc to get more he prescribed me more nal as well as bac. I have stuck to bac only to see what the effects of that alone are, but I had no side effects with nal so I wonder if it might curb the huge binges in the early days while i am going up. Any advice on this would be very appreciated.

Sammi x

[Sammi33]

Sammi Starts Bac

Ok, i have been at a higher dose for a couple of days. Obviously i am pretty sensitive to bac because i know i am still on a very low dose but i just wanted to share some tings i have noticed in terms of side effects, good and bad. Nothing really bad just things i have noticed.

First of all i frown all the time. I have read about others smiling so i guess its similar....typical that mine would be a frown! My mouth just clenches itself into a frowning position, nothing major but it does make my face hurt after a while. Someone noticed it yesterday and i just passed it off as something i do out of habit when i am concentrating - like she was the crazy one for never noticing it before!

Secondly I laugh! Not all the time but it has happened a few times over the last couple of days. Something small happens that might be worth a chuckle and i have been in fits of laughter. It feels weird because i am so damn miserable at the moment and then the next thing i can't stop laughing like a maniac. It may sound like a coincidence but it has been noticeable since i went up and has happened a few times, and it feels kind of weird and unnatural.

The other thing i have noticed since i have been on bac is I don't gasp. I normally do these loud inappropriate gasps at the smallest things, like if a pen drops or someone sneezes. Anything unexpected that suprises me a little bit i do these huge loud gasps. At times it has been really embarrassing particularly in work situations, people close to me are just used to it, but since i have been on bac, gone!! It took me a couple of weeks to notice that i hadn't been doing it but it's just gone.

I have been thinking about what Murphy said about forcing the AF days early on and I totally agree it can be a bad idea. I didn't drink on Monday night which was really so that Bob ( i have decided to give him his own MWO name) could see that I am trying to redeem myself. Then last night i was going to drink, then i just sort of didn't feel desperate to. I ended up having 3 beers and easily stopped, and i mainly had them because now i am scared if i try to go too many days AF then i am just going to have a disastrous blowout. I think what i have realised is that although on such a low dose bac is not causing me any sort of indiffence or anything, it's helping with my anxiety so that at the end of the day I don't feel like i don't relax until i am on my 8th beer. This is particularly relevant i think on work nights, i would get so worked up and stressed and anxious during the day that i would need the release at night, but now i am not getting so worked up.

Wow, extra long post, sorry to those who have started napping. I just really needed to get this stuff out, sort of to make sense of it in my own mind.

[RudyB]

Sammi Starts Bac

wow, sammi, this is intense stuff you're going through. what a process, huh?! sounds like bac is doing some magic for you, though. it's great that your urgency around drink has subsided, at least seems like it has. sorry to read about your 'terrible thing' that you did. god i remember feeling like that more than once! sorry to bring it up again, as i know it was days ago by now, but i want you to know that we've all been there, and you're probably much harder on yourself than you deserve. you'll pull through.

write as many long posts as you care to. only people who care to read them will. nobody will nap, unless they're on hdb. oh, wait... anywhoot, write away. it helps, doesn't it? and that is the main thing.

i'm rooting for you, right alonside everyone else. stay strong.
love,
rudy b

[SlipperyPete]

Sammi Starts Bac

Sammi33;1174417 wrote:
Secondly I laugh! Not all the time but it has happened a few times over the last couple of days. Something small happens that might be worth a chuckle and i have been in fits of laughter.
The other thing i have noticed since i have been on bac is I don't gasp. I normally do these loud inappropriate gasps at the smallest things, like if a pen drops or someone sneezes. Anything unexpected that suprises me a little bit i do these huge loud gasps. At times it has been really embarrassing particularly in work situations, people close to me are just used to it, but since i have been on bac, gone!! It took me a couple of weeks to notice that i hadn't been doing it but it's just gone.

Sounds like bac's anti-anxiety magic is working

[Murphyx]

Sammi Starts Bac

Bob blows 5 to 10k per week gambling?!?!?!?!?!??! WTF? How can anyone actually earn enough to allow them to do that?

Sammi, looking good. I think you're doing great.:goodjob:

[Sammi33]

Sammi Starts Bac

I don't feel like I am doing great at all!! I agree SP the anti anxiety stuff is great, but i still feel like such a mess, mentally i am in a bad place.

Murphy, its a lot i know. Problem is he can afford it, actually no i dont think anyone can actually afford that much, but hecan get on without it, and we have separate finances so it doesn't effect me financially. Dont get me wrong, it's not like it means nothing to him, but we live very well and bills, mortgage etc always paid. Plus he bets big, so when he wins he wins big, and that tops things up for a while. But it hurts him enough to be a real roller coaster ride to live with, high as a kite when he is winning, gloomy and miserable when he's not. Problem is 6 years ago it was 100 a week. Anyway I could go for hours on this but the thing is it is hard to be judged and punished when i try to be supportive and non judgmental. I see him struggle and i see how angry he gets with himself and i always try to make him feel better not punish him. I am not trying to say i am a saint just that this is a really tough situation.

It's just really shitty to be dealing with relationship stuff as well as everything else. But without everything else there wouldn't be relationship problems. It a bit chicken and eggish.