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    Baclofen--Here goes!

    Never been a part of an online community, but I feel I need support, so I'll take the plunge and join the group. I want to give a bit of my history and current situation so I can look back on this a year from now and see where I've come from and hopefully help people who are where I'm at now. I want to stay anonymous, and can't come up with a “handle”, so for now, I'll use the name one of the people I admire most: Tesla, after Nicola Tesla one of the greatest people in history, so you can call me Tess.

    I'm a 44 year old American male living in South America for the last 4 years, which have been a living nightmare. My only sober days in the last 10+ years have been days where I was too sick to drink from drinking myself into a blackout the night before. My first experience being intoxicated was 42 years ago this month when I drank gasoline. I then started sniffing it for years. Started smoking cigs 40 years ago this month, pot & booze at 6 and hard drugs at 10. I've gone to several Dr's who are amazed that I function at the level I do, but that has taken a turn for the worse this last year. I got to just about broke financially, so to keep drinking I discovered the local $.90 per liter Puro (cane liquor rot-gut moonshine, made by god knows who), and boy has that fucked me up. My vision is all screwed up, liver & pancreas in constant pain, and the hangovers from it are unreal. I went from living in a $2.5 million dollar house 5 years ago, married to a beautiful woman & good friends to living in a $70 a month shitty apartment in some dusty little S. American town alone living hand-to-mouth. What a wonderfully good friend alcohol has been to me!

    3 years ago after I lost all my $$, I planed to get to the point where I had about $1,000 left, fly to Mexico and get a hotel, lots of booze and pick up some pentobarbital (used to euthaize animals) and off myself. The suicidal thoughts have not left me since, but I've managed to avoid it due to fear of the beyond and knowing I didn't want to die a miserable drunk.

    I've tried everything I could to get rid of this monster: AA, rehab, Antabuse, fasting for weeks at a time on just water, cleanses, extreme nutritional supplementation, raw food diet, hypnosis, past life regression, re-birthing, Ibogaine, Shamans, which doctors, gurus—on & on with no lasting success. I'm tired, worn out, weary and sick of this life. You all know it: self hatred, guilt, shame, paranoia, fear, anxiety, blackouts—I simply can't take any more of it. I get by on occasional computer jobs, and yesterday I had one to go to and it took me 3 hours to work up the courage to walk out my door to walk ? mile because I felt everyone in town was talking about me (I'm a loner drunk and only a few people here even know I drink).

    Well fortunately, 2 weeks ago I discovered this website and the baclofen threads and feel deep in my heart—in my gut that this is my way out; the end of this miserable fucking existence. Thanks to my caring older sister I received my first two months supply of bac last night from Dr L. He told me to start with 5mg, but being the personality type I am, I just couldn't follow instructions and took 10, although I am going to follow his instructions to the best of my ability. Within an hour all the paranoia & anxiety (which are my daily hungover companions), disappeared and I only drank ? the amount I usually do and slept 10 hours as apposed to 5 or 6. Took 10mg this morning and I feel calm & anxiety free. Like I said, I am extremely hopeful and confident that desire, willpower, support of good people like you here, and baclofen is going to work to at least get me where I can get back on my feet and get out of this seemingly bottomless pit I've been sucked into.

    I just got an email from Dr. L's pharmacy in Chicago that 20,000 mg's more are on the way, as it isn't available where I am located. I have a friend bringing it down next week from the states, so I'll be well supplied.

    Anyway, that is my introduction to what I hope will be a mutually supportive relationship with you folks here.

    Anyway, that is my introduction to what I hope will be a mutually supportive relationship with you folks here.

    #2
    Baclofen--Here goes!

    Tess, welcome.

    I hope you find this as rewarding as I did. It saved my life, which is why I'm still here.

    It's encouraging that you are feeling a benefit at a low dose. There's not much more I can say, really, other than to say keep it up - it sounds evangelical, which is the last way I would ever hope something of mine sounds, but it's true...

    This shit works.

    Comment


      #3
      Baclofen--Here goes!

      Hi Tess

      Well you have a deeply fucked up past, don't ya? Fortunately the past no longer exists and it's only the future that counts. And I have no doubt you will have a future now you've found baclofen. As Bleep said, it's good news you're getting the benefits of bac early on. You'll find indifference to your addictions.

      Keep us posted on your journey.

      Congratulations on the best decision you ever made.

      Murph

      p.s. You picked one of my heroes for your screen-name. Tesla was extraordinary.

      The unexamined life is not worth living

      Comment


        #4
        Baclofen--Here goes!

        Wow. That's quite a resume. Glad you're still here to make the choice. It's a good one.

        Reminds me how much I owe the good doctor myself.

        Hang around, Tesla (I thought it was a car, glad I hit wiki first...)

        Looking forward to hearing the rest of the story, Tess.
        :l

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          #5
          Baclofen--Here goes!

          I've been reading several of your posts since you've been members (Neva, Bleep, Murph & others I can't think of at the moment as I've had a few), and I feel like I know you all a bit. I've watched how your postings have changed as you have progressed using bac & being AL (I'm catching on to the lingo). I've been worried I wouldn't be accepted into the community after I read my introduction after posting it, and seeing what I wrote sounded whiny, over the top and too pathetic to be true, but I simply told just a bit of my story. I appreciate you guys replying and look forward to getting to know you.

          What I just wrote took an inordinate amount of time to write as my motor functioning & memory are kind of fucked at the moment; I hope that can be somewhat restored. Thanks again for letting me in.

          Comment


            #6
            Baclofen--Here goes!

            A song that many drinkers can relate to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXwD0DJ41QY[/video]]Lonely by myself.wmv - YouTube

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              #7
              Baclofen--Here goes!

              tesla,
              hey, welcome. really looking forward to following your story. keep posting.
              the first time I got high was sniffing gasoline accidentally. I had a gas can for my minibike between my legs in the back seat of my parents car on the way home and I really liked the smell. so I started taking really big whiffs. wow. I had forgotten about that. I was probably 7 or 8.
              I'm really pulling for you. gratitude.

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                #8
                Baclofen--Here goes!

                There was a period of time when titrating up that my feet didn't quite feel connected to my ankles. Very interesting, that feeling, especially after it went away!
                The coordination returns, as does the ability to think, when the body is free of the unique AL toxin.

                We all start here fecked up, and in the immortal words of the Mere Mortal Murphy, this process unfecks the feckedupedness.
                Welcome, T.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Baclofen--Here goes!

                  Tesla;1165909 wrote: I've been reading several of your posts since you've been members (Neva, Bleep, Murph & others I can't think of at the moment as I've had a few), and I feel like I know you all a bit. I've watched how your postings have changed as you have progressed using bac & being AL (I'm catching on to the lingo).
                  It's been an amazing journey thus far. And it's a different world, once booze falls out of the equation.

                  Reading around is a great thing to do. It will answer a lot of questions, and you'll get an idea of baclofen is about.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Baclofen--Here goes!

                    Well its day 3 with the bac and I am amazed. I drank quite a bit last night (although not as much as normal), woke up this morning hungover but have none of the usual accompanying mental garbage to go alone with it.

                    I went back and re-read what I wrote last night and realized I somehow have to not post when I drink; I make a fool of myself. I learned to do that with Skype, as I give my neighbor my headset in the late afternoon so I don't drink and dial and he gives it back to me in the morning (fortunately I don't have a built in camera & mic). I bet someone could make a few bucks creating an app that doesn't allow you to make calls after a certain time of the day, sort of like the breathalyzer for the car.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Baclofen--Here goes!

                      I was wondering if someone could tell me how to delete a post.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Baclofen--Here goes!

                        tesla, clearly you've deleted a really great and revealing post. why? i came around here to catch up on this newbie's situation, only to find one sentence that left me in the dark. care to come back and reveal more?

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Baclofen--Here goes!

                          RubyB. Tees hasn't deleted anything. Go into posts and click third down.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Baclofen--Here goes!

                            gosh, jennie, thanks so much. i never would've made sense of it without your helpful tip.

                            tessa, what a story you have! i'm so glad you've found us here. we'll be all the help we can be, to be sure. please do keep us posted on your progress. i am so glad you have your sister.

                            sincerely,
                            rudy b

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Baclofen--Here goes!

                              No Rudy you are right. I vaguely remember deleting everything last night. I had a very rough day yesterday and felt I was finished--defeated--done. I felt completely alone and that everyone in life had given up on me. I guess this was brought about by the police showing up at my door yesterday (3pm on a Saturday) with a notice to appear before the prosecuting attorney Monday morning at 9 am to answer to charges of harassment and intimidation. I'll explain that in a minute or another post.

                              I remember going back and reading my original post last night after being knee-walking drunk and thinking: "what a pathetic human being you are!", and the mental beating began. I went on my third crying jag in the three days since I started baclofen, and then removed all my posts with my gremlin telling me I was a hopeless loser and how could I reveal all this stuff to a bunch of faceless strangers on a public forum no less (my Dad would be rolling in his grave!) At least in AA or rehab there is some agreement to not share what you hear, but here I am posting it for the whole world to read--you stupid, fucking FOOL!!! That's what the little gremlin said at least (plus a lot more to be sure).

                              He went on to say: "These people don't care about you here, they are just a bunch of selfish, self-centered drunks like you and are just gawking at watching the train-wreck your failure is going to be. 110 views and only a few responses? Nobody cares. You think anyone cares about your pathetic, miserable self? NO THEY DON'T!! Anyways, this is just a CIA front to get you to expose all your dirty little secrets and it will be used against you at your trial for being a subversive, disobedient slave to the New World Order!!!! You'll be tortured and burned at the stake--SHUT YOUR MOUTH you dumb-fuck!!!" On & on it went until I obeyed and removed the posts and then couldn't figure out how to quit my membership and passed out. I'm actually amazed I was able to delete what I wrote as my eyes are swollen this morning from crying so hard (more pathetic-ness :upset, I could hardly see last night.

                              Even now I just re-read what I wrote and am asking myself: "What the hell are you doing writing this stuff??? What's the point??? Delete it!!! Just drink yourself to death. This life is not worth living and all it's been is a burden, drudging through it with no joy, peace or happiness, so just put an end to it--stop this insanity!!!" Bllhhh....I feel sick writing this and feeling this way again.

                              Okay, it's an hour later, took 10mg's of bac and have calmed down a bit, but my 1st experience of nausea from the bac. I re-read again what I just wrote and decided to leave it. I'm going to just post what comes up and let the chips fall where they may. I don't get this stuff out to anyone in my life, so what have I got to lose at this point. I'm not giving up and I'm just going to keep taking the bac. I have no plan at this point but to get AF and I will--PERIOD!

                              Jennie you wrote: "RubyB. Tees hasn't deleted anything. Go into posts and click third down." What do you mean click third down? As far as I can see everything I wrote is gone. Does anyone know if there is some way to get it back? Fortunately I wrote my introduction in a Word document (as it took me a couple of days to write), so I'll put that back up.

                              Thank all of you for your kind words and support. I'll answer back to each of you shortly. It's funny, if you were to meet me in person you'd never know I was such a neurotic mess. I just told some people who I've known for 3 years that I started this treatment, and they were absolutely shocked and said: "We had no idea you had a drinking problem--you seem so normal". :H

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