Quick advice needed!

[redhead77]

Quick advice needed!

Wow Windy. I love reading your posts. Always have. Firstly, don't disparage your job. I was a server all throughout college. I've worked at everything from TGIF to a fine dining restaurant. I'll tell my coworkers now that I'm in the 'weeds'. There are some similarities in the job I'm in now and my old jobs as a server. Serving was some of the hardest and most challenging work I've ever done. It was also some of the most fun. I've never met such interesting and colorful personalities (well except for MWO :H). And theatre. I think many of us had been or wanted to be in theatre. The fine dining job sucked, I didn't last long. I couldn't handle wearing that stiff starched shirt. It was too much to bear. :H Now I can wear comfortable soft scrubs that I could even sleep in (not that this would be a good idea, my scrubs are exposed to nasty things). Back when I was drinking excessively, I did sleep in them on numerous occasions. I would get loaded after a stressful day on the job. :H and :upset: It already seems like the distant past (I'll never let it get too distant, I don't want to go bac).

Regarding the 125...I think you've got to do what you've gotta. Listen to yourself and the beauty is, you can go back up, if and when you want to.
Try the dose out. And I love epsom salt baths, buy the stuff in bulk at Costco (do whatever makes you feel good ). And I love Carolyn Knapp's story, own it.

Dr L doesn't care that his number is posted here. I've felt him out (a few times) and while he seems a little ungrounded about it, he says whatever works to help alcoholics. If it's posting his number to get people help and bac, then so be it. I really think you should call him Windy. For a couple of reasons you've written about. It wouldn't hurt anything...

You're not making anything up. I know some seem to suffer profound depression just from bac. For most, the depression seems to happen after complete abstinence or cutting down the sauce by a huge amount. I think it is both situational and biochemical. Our neurotransmitters our all effed up (while we drink and after we stop), and we have psychological or situational things to deal with. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though, as many can attest to here.

No pressure from me sister on the Chi situation. I'm not much of a pressure person. I'll tell you what, if it falls through, maybe we could get together. Taw would probably be in too. I know it's not the same, but it's all I've got. :l

[RudyB]

Quick advice needed!

hi windy! i love reading your posts, too! who cares if they're all over the place (but they're not)?!

i was gonna go right back to bed after updating my sub plans cause i have to miss work tomorrow due to a court appt re my divorce. (the things i think of in the middle of the night!) i was gonna turn over and go right back to sleep, like ne tells us to do. but, having fallen asleep around 7 pm, i am cutting myself some slack. found myself suddenly wide awake, and thinking there was something worth reading at mwo. i was right, so thanks.

yep, there's all kindsa reasons for depression while in this process. today, i had my day-a-month of downright BLUES. i hate this day, but i'm already back to my spritely self, thanks hormones! i took extra 5htp today and it might've helped a bit. have you tried that?

no, i never mind if someone shares what i write outside the forum. i'm flattered. to follow up on the infinity comment, my son again referred to god and god being dead. i asked him where he got this idea, and he said from me! oh my god! i promise, we don;t read neitzsche at bedtime. what have i been saying in my sleep!?

speaking of sleep, i haven't had any vivid dreams in a few days, alas. even the scary ones are kind of fun. i'd love to read about some of yours.

ok, i'll go back to bed now. hope you're having sweet dreams.

xo ru

[redhead77]

Quick advice needed!

Oh, I forgot to tell you Windy. I got a script for the El Cheapo bac (10mg) and it cost me $10.99. It's no joke. I think you should get hooked up.

[beatle]

Quick advice needed!

RudyB;1179336 wrote: i took extra 5htp today and it might've helped a bit. have you tried that?

I'm trying so hard to not get involved on these bac threads -- I need time to focus on myself and my life and my family. But I do admit to perusing it pretty regularly, especially certain threads. And once in a while I feel like I just have to give input because it is important. Often this backfires, but I'll take that risk in this case.

Please take L-tryptophan and not 5-HTP. Especially if you are taking any antidepressant and/or other artificial serotonin increasers in your brain. You also need vitamin B6, I think, for either one, but most especially for 5-HTP ... go research it yourself if you are interested.

[windycitylady]

Quick advice needed!

THANK YOU, BEATLE! I was actually trolling through old threads earlier today, because I thought I remembered you saying that. I am taking tryptophan, only for a couple days now though. And I get plently of B6, but I'm not taking it at the same time as the tryptophan. Wonder if that matters.
Anyhow, thanks guys. Interesting thing: I was looking at books in a resale shop when I came across an old "quit drinking without AA" book. I didn't expect to learn anything new, but I picked it up. The page I opened to reccomended changing your routines in small ways. Do you normally put your left leg in your pants first? Put your right leg first. Eat with your left hand, etc. I thought it was stupid. My boyfriend thought it might be helpful.
Well. Last night I got home from work at 5:30 instead of 11. Normal routine is get home starving, don't eat, start to drink, eat in a little while. This, I've realized, is fiendish is several respects. The alcohol kills my appetite. I would eat much more if I didn't start to drink first. Also, I like the alcohol to hit my empty stomach so I feel it faster and stronger at a lower amount. I feel gross even typing that. I don't like to admit such things.
Anyhow, got home very early yesterday. BF had the day off, so he was home and hadn't eaten yet. We ordered chicken wings, jalapeno poppers, and shrimp cocktail (!?). I feasted and then dozed off while eatching Law and Order. I woke up maybe 45 minutes later feeling full and happy and lazy, and with no desire to drink. Moral of the story is I need to change these fiendish routines I have. I'm sabotaging myself with them.
Red, I don't think serving is easy or not respectful work (again, can't think of the right words), but like you said, it was something you did in college. For most people (ruby, you too, right?), it's a stepping stone on the way to better things. I never meant to make a career out of it (at age 17, I had my college picked out, my medical school picked out, and I decided I would have my first baby at 27. Didn't quite work out that way.) I'm just anxious to move on to better things. In fact, what I'd really like to do is become an ultrasound technician. If that sounds random, it's because it is. But thank you for your encouragement. And maybe I will contact Dr. L. I would feel much more comfortable emailing him than calling though. I'm sure his email address is floating around here too.
Ok. Short on time here. Ruby (is it ok that I still call you that?), I gotta tell you about some of the nightmares soon. Not the actual dreams themselves, but the realization that I'm dreaming within the dream, and my attempts to wake myself up. And dreaming with my eyes open. This only happened on the higher doses of bac (200, maybe), but it was crazy shit. Having my eyes open and seeing someone twist my doorknob, trying to get in. Hearing someone talking on the other side of the door. So I guess they were more hallucinations, but it only happened when I was trying to fall asleep. Your little man sounds amazing. I announced to my dad at age 4 that I was an atheist. And I didn't believe in Santa either. And I turned out great, right? I'm sorry you have so much going on right now. I'm proud of you for sticking it out. I do lurk on your thread.
Yours too, Red. Hope you're feeling better. ZINC!!
We should get together no matter what. Is Taw only gonna be around that weekend? We'll figure something out.
Feeling very scatterbrained and not very profound right now. Whatevs, I think you guys got my points. Gotta run, thanks again for everything!

[RudyB]

Quick advice needed!

windy, yes, the eating thing! i used to do the same exact thing: don't eat cause the drink won't work as well. i think a lot of us have done that.

and waiting table, i did it for eleven years. after i went to a very good college and got my degree, i was still waitressing three years down the line. finally i made the (random?) choice to go to graduate school and get my teaching degree. i approached it very half-heartedly, not really wanting to take the plunge into a real profession, but knowing that i didn't go to college to waitress. so here i am, really grateful for my efforts that at the time didn't feel sincere. i'm trying to say in all of this that i totally get how you could still be serving table though you meant to do other things. it's not too late, you know. you could use that tip of doing things the other way around to prod yourself into a new line of work, if you want to. it's GREAT! that you ate dinner the other night.

oops son awoke gotta run...

[windycitylady]

Quick advice needed!

Thanks, Rudy. I didn't mean to be dismissive about your time as a server. It actually makes me feel better that you weren't super excited about grad school. I guess I've been waiting feel some wise inner voice to tell me definitively what my true calling is. That doesn't seem likely, and I just need to throw myself into something. But then, of course, there's the money thing. And the criminal background thing. Need to figure out if any hospital would actually hire me before I pay for schooling.
I do have renewed belief that the bac is helping with cravings at a lower dosage, only because Monday night I began to feel like I used to about drinking. I've always thought of my drinking as a romantic relationship, don't know why. That's probably why I didn't read "Drinking: A Love Story" for so long after it came out (bitch stole my idea!). But on Monday I was have cravings that were different. It was almost like being horny. Don't know how else to explain it. I was fantasizing about drinking, but in a very sensual way. It was not unlike being preoccupied by thoughts of a lover. I drank almost twice my new "normal" amount, but by yesterday was feeling fine again. Even though I've continued to drink throughout this process, I'd forgotten just how powerful and, yes, SEXY my cravings used to be. Gotta run, hope that makes sense.

[Bruunhilde]

Quick advice needed!

Hi Windy,

I'm sorta late to the table here, but wanted to put in a few thoughts.

First, being a server helped me to realize I had sort of a stage fright - I distinctly recall my first 6-top, and how freaky it was to have six adults (I was 19-21) turn their attention to me and then have to remember what to say and also what they wanted. Note I wrote it all down, which is not cool these days I see, but don't know HOW you keep that info together in your head, I can't remember what I had for breakfast from day to day much less what little detail a customer may want. I'm no longer a server, but I was happier as a server, so weigh that. I wasn't in such an upscale place as you, and I did suffer a groping boss, but overall it was great. More than I can say for my last twenty years in corporate banking. When I first started in banking, I recalled that 6-top and worked from there, getting my presentation skills in line and my anxiety about presenting in check.

So, here's the other thing I wanted to say: to relax, try the magnesium in a pill when you're freaking. Epsom salts is relaxing because its magnesium, and you're taking it in through your skin -which may not be news at all to you. You can also try timing the tryptophan for the ziggin out moments. As to RX, I've found huge relief from depression using gabapentin which is expensive but life saving for me. My depression/angst got really hellish last week and if not for the gabapentin, I don't know what I would have done. Oy. And so much more effective for depression than xanax, which was good for the anxiety and helped me keep from reaching for the second beer but not as much as the gabapentin. Hard to get it RX'd I hear, however.

Last, you cited taking glutamine. Check out the holistic section for the L-glutamine thread. Long term use can be very bad for you.

Enjoying your posts and your persistence!

[RudyB]

Quick advice needed!

heya windy! don't know how you might've gotten the idea that you belittled my years as a table server. golly no! and even if you did, who cares?! (and yes, you can call me ruby or ru or ru ru or whatever you want. just don't call me late for dinner.) in your case, money, and criminal background (jeepers what DID you do?!), are very important factors in a choice to go back to school or not! what to study? if it's ultrasound tech, so be it. just make sure there are jobs in the field you pursue! god i don't know how grad schools that specialize in elementary ed are still open! there are NO jobs in that field! every other industrialized nation pours money into education when times are tough, knowing the obvious: that the future lies in the youth of today. but we in the us strip our schools, leaving kids with shoddy resources with which to better themselves. it's a crying shame and an embarassment. and we'll be paying for it dearly. women will always be having babies and tumors, so ultrasound tech is probably a good bet. but do your research. find something that will get you a job, and see about that criminal background thing. (my bro has a felony charge on his record, for selling hash and weed in front of the courthouse where our father was working; his 'friend' set him up. now he has a great job with a pharma co. maybe not ethical, but lucrative. a job.) don't be discouraged or afraid. that'll stop ALL possibilities! hitch your wagon to a star, mamacita!

and hiya beatle! if you care to share, please enlighten about why l-tryptophan is better than 5htp. i think murph addressed this once recently, but i can't remember the details. as i'm repeatedly recommending this as an out for depressives, i'd LOVE to know why i shouldn't be doing so! above all else, i hope you are doing well.

xoxo rudy ru

[windycitylady]

Quick advice needed!

Hey all, and thank you for the thoughtful responses.
Bruun, I take magnesium. And calcium, GABA, and taurine. And 800mg gabapentin.
I guess it's not enough.
I couldn't go to work today. Just couldn't. Shaking and vomitting. Just the purest terror I've ever felt. I considered throwing myself down some stairs, breaking a window with my fist. Anything to let me be as hurt on the outside as I felt inside. It wasn't suicidal, or even like a self_harm thing, it just seemed practical.
I told my bf to call my job and tell them I was going to urgent care. And I did.
It wasn't a great experience. I think I disturbed them. They kept asking, what do you want us to do for you?I didn't know. Tell me you can see I'm in pain. HELP ME. Somehow.
I just filled a script for 20 xanax pills. I have a number of a community mental health center. I have a note that says I don't have to work for 3 days. I guess that's the best I could have hoped for.
Thanks again guys for all your wonderful, encouraging posts. I wish I coulddo them justice with a great response. But I can't think right now. I don't know what to do.

[RudyB]

Quick advice needed!

aww windy! sorry to hear it was an awful day! i hope the xanax helps. wish i had some consoling words, but glad you've got your bf there to hold your hand.

bug hugs and lots of them. you'll pull through.

xoooooo ruby

[windycitylady]

Quick advice needed!

Hey Ruby, and thanks.
Sorry I haven't replied sooner. Couldn't really form complete sentences.
The "Urgent Care" was a joke. I was fully prepared to be honest about the meds I've been taking (baclofen and gabapentin), as I wanted to know if they could be causing this sudden and intense insanity. But these people weren't asking relevant questions at all. They never asked if I drink or take drugs. They didn't ask if I take other medications or am allergic to anything until after they'd written the script for xanax. It was more like this poor resident looking terrified and asking bizzare questions. "So, you changed jobs in November? Is your commute easier now?" Bitch, I can't breathe. My whole body is shaking violently. I just ran out of the room to vomit. Oh, and by the way, the "doctor" I would later see was leaving the bathroom as I entered. Toilet seat was covered in piss. Not, oops, couple drops here and there, but absolutely drenched in piss. I puked in the sink. Fuck them. I knew it would just be water I was throwing up anyway. There I go talking about vomit again. Dammit.
Took a xanax when I got home. Didn't seem to do much, but I'm hoarding them nonetheless. I think my parents were concerned when I told them I had xanax, but nothing fiendish happening with those. I am saving them for when I absolutely need them, and I understand it's a pretty weak dose anyway.
I was very concerned about talking to my boss, who, if you've read my previous posts, is a terrifying, cruel man. No way I was gonna tell him I was in Urgent Care for panic attacks. I said that I'd had something internal going on (not entirely untrue) and I had been in terrible pain (again, not untrue). I think he was scared it was "lady stuff" and, miraculously, didn't ask further questions. My note excused me through Monday, but I told him I'd be back Saturday, today.
Yesterday, I tried to take it easy and be good to my brain. I didn't take any of the xanax. I talked to a friend who's having simillar issues. I went to an AA meeting! My first in many years. I thought it was a gay and lesbian meeting, which I was actually looking forward to. (I mean, they're not gonna kick me out cause I'm not gay, and they're probably an interesting group) But it turned out to be Big Book study. Ick. But I went. When I got home, I dug out all my art supplies. When I was younger, I took private art lessons for years. I really haven't drawn or painted anything in a while, and I remembered that weird calm that comes over me from chilling on the right side of my brain for a while. I started a drawing of Mary's face from Michelangelo's La Pieta sculpture. Pretty ambitious, right? I worked on it for an hour, until bf came home, and I did feel good. I drank, but not a ridiculous amount.
I was very scared about returning to work today. Why did it have to be a Saturday, and not, say, a Tuesday? I was shaking and on the verge of tears when I arrived at work. My boss was sitting at the bar, and told me to come over. I handed over the note from the doctor. He told me to sit down. I've never been told to sit down in his presence, unless it was to type something for him. He interrogated me in his usual style, but somehow without mentioning the actual cause of my problem. Where did I go, was it a clinic, an emergency room, or an urgent care? What did I do yesterday? How many hours did I sleep? How much have I been eating? How do I feel now? Weak and shaky? Weak and shaky how? I told him I was prescribed pain pills (eh, not very true) but I hadn't taken any today, because I didn't want to be foggy at work. He told me that my face "didn't look right," and he didn't think I should take tables. I helped set up, and asked again if I should take tables. He got extremely irritated with me. I told him, ok, I'll go home and be back at noon tomorrow, my usual Sunday time. He got very angry. "Of course you won't. That's ridiculous! Your docotor said to rest! Call me tomorrow, if you feel well enough, you can come in for a couple hours. Why are you so Goddamn stubborn? Jesus!"
So that's that. But, man, I need money too. I do feel a million times better today though. I've been taking 100mg/day of the bac, and staying at the one 800mg dose of gabapentin at the beginning of the day. (An aside: My dad sees a very prestigous psychiatrist/neurologist, probably the best in Michigan, who considers my dad's depression an anomoly and mysteriously difficult to treat. He's currently taking an unheard of amount of wellbutrin, not sure of the dosage, and 2400mg/day of gabapentin!) And I'm still taking all my other mood supplements as well.
See what happens when I have access to a real computer instead of my phone? These epic posts that take a billion years to read.
Anyhow, if I continue to feel good, I'm going to use the xanax to try to get over the last hump with my drinking and finally go alcohol free. I really feel capable of it at this point, just need a little push.
The world really is a different place without that crushing fear, that knowledge of impending doom. I can breathe right now. I'm not exactly happy. But I am not terrified either. I'll take it.
Thanks to anyone who made it to the end of this. Just needed to get it off of my chest.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Quick advice needed!

Hi, Windy.
I'm really sorry.
You have two choices, as I see it. The panic? Likely a side effect. You can go down, and have to do it again or give up. Or you can manage the side effect. It's not rocket science. It's brain science.

Xanax is a tool. The chemicals in your brain are off balance. Not hoodoo-voodoo, hippy-girl speak. Things aren't firing right.
Take the xanax, as prescribed by Dr. L. .25mg every morning and night. You can take one PRN for a little while. Chances are pretty good you won't need it.
You don't have to hoard it and you won't get addicted to it if you don't want to.
It will not just make you feel better. It will very likely solve all of the problems you're dealing with.

The other stuff is good and important, too. I think cultivating hobbies, outside interests, support, are keys to feeling good about the future once you've reached the goal. But the goal? That's brain chemistry. Exercise is important. And food.

I don't know, and don't really care, what other supplements you're taking, but know that there are two that matter right now. You'll want to make sure that whatever you're taking doesn't interfere with the balance you are trying to achieve.
(Calling Dr. L, the only doc we know of who has any clue about this stuff, is a really good option.)

I'm really glad that your boss, tyrant though he is, is being sympathetic. (sort of?!)

It is always darkest, Windy, before the dawn. And the new dawn is worth it. I promise.

[Bruunhilde]

Quick advice needed!

Hi Windy,

I shake and vomit too. If I up the gabapentin on those awful days, it helps immensely. I took 600mg one morning and sixty minutes later I was still spiraling out of control, so popped another 600mg and magic happened. I was calm and in control. No side effects.

I don't do that all the time, in fact that's the only time I've taken that much but it saved my ass that day.

How much are you drinking on average? If its more than a couple, yes, going AF will definitely help, if you can do it. Good luck Windy. Consider this that little push if you need it, you CAN do it.

Have you ever read Feeling Good, the book? Its about cognitive therapy which I found pretty helpful. Just a thought. I bet you know all about this stuff and alot more, it sounds like you've done homework with the supps too.

Keep posting so we know how you're doing.

:l

[windycitylady]

Quick advice needed!

Thanks, all. Ne, I've gone down to 100 mg/day. As of right now, I'm no longer going for indifference. I believe in it, but I just can't go that high under my current circumstances. It really makes me sad. Has there ever been someone around taking lower doses of bac to prevent cravings without having hit the switch?
I did call Dr. L. I left a message on his work line, but it was Friday at 5:30. I wouldn't expect to hear back from him any earlier than Monday. Maybe I'll try him again tomorrow during office hours. But I don't really need a script for bac. I have plenty right now, and where did you guys say it was cheap to fill? Cosco or Walmart? This may sound crazy, but being in the city, I have no idea where the nearest Cosco or Walmart is, and I don't drive. Anyhow, I'd probably just want advice from Dr L. Would that be cool?
Bruun, I don't know why it never occured to me to take more gabapentin when I'm having a hard time. I am kinda running low, but more is on the way, and I think my dad would probably mail me some of his.
The amount I drink. I've been curious to put this out there. Sometimes it seems like nothing, sometimes a huge amount. I drink a half pint of vodka and a 22oz beer. No more, no less. If we go out to dinner or drinks with friends, I try to keep my math straight so I don't exceed that. It's the equivalent of about 7 beers. Not bad, but I shouldn't be doing it daily. It's hard. Boyfriend drinks one full pint of vodka every night. He says he wants to quit, and encourages me in all I do, including the HDB, but I know he's waiting for me to quit first. And I know that every night that the half pint and beer will be there. If I told him I didn't want to drink a particular night, he wouldn't buy it, and he'd be covert about his drinking. He'd applaud me and be very supportive. But he'd still be drinking. But I can't make him do anything. I wouldn't want to. My plan is to lead by example. And if I get sober and he doesn't, it's over.
I don't feel good about sharing all that might delete it in alittle bit.
Anyhow, boss wouldn't let me come in today again (is he punishing me?) And Monday and Tuesday are my days off, so that means all together 6 days off work. No good financially, and I think I'd be better off working psychologicaly too. This way I'm just stewing in my thoughts about how anxious I'm gonna be when I go back. Poor me, right? I should just relax and enjoy the time off. Without spending any money.
Bruun, years ago a therapist gave me "The Feeling Good Handbook". Same thing, no? But I was a pissy 19 year old, and never checked it out. I do like the ideas behind cognitive behavioral therapy though.
Blah. That's all I got.
Thanks.