Shotgun Opera Lock and Load

[Isolde]

Shotgun Opera Lock and Load

Affirmation

Dosage0;1189600 wrote: I just wanted to share how little I drank tonight and how crazy the whole feeling is. I drank about 1/4 a bottle of jager and a few beers. I feel like I do not need to drink any more. I watched an episode of hoarders and thought how closely my disease and their disease is. They talk about the panic they feel about losing items. They go into an anxiety that seems so overwhelming, yet similar to how I felt about not drinking. They describe a feeling of helplessness and anxiousness that is eerily similar to how I feel about not having enough alcohol. I have 4 beers and a tilt in my fridge and I don't feel like drinking it at all. I feel like going to sleep instead. I wish I could prescribe all of them a simple pill called baclofen and see if it changes their life as it has done so to mine.

This is insane. I NEVER leave anything in the fridge without drinking it. I feel like my life is being given back to me without much effort at all. I cant explain it and I don't feel like I need to explain anything further to anyone. This is a strange and new feeling because I normally feel like I am on stage and owe everyone an explanation as to why I don't want to continue the "show" that is my life.

I owe my life, my freedom, and my everything to this forum and this site. I am so overjoyed that I cannot express it into words. I love my life as it has been given to me and love every person who contributed to my success. This even includes people that I would have excluded before -- and I wish them freedom.

I encourage anyone, anywhere, under any circumstance, to try baclofen as a way to live. It will give you your life back and your mind back to you. I no longer feel the self hatred that I always felt throughout my life and all of the anxiety that came with it. This is something that every person should feel in their life, if only for a moment.

I know when I wake up tomorrow I will look at this post with shame and horror, but right now I do not care what anyone thinks. This is something that I feel so passionate about that I will carry this moment throughout my life and hopefully to my grave. I just cant express the happiness that I feel in words. Every word I type does not do justice to the way I feel about all of you and all of my hope. I love you all.

Rob at 110mg. I will continue to post my story and continue to titrate higher to completely erase my need to drink.

Rob, in a word - YES.

[Isolde]

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Dosage0;1189361 wrote:
Wow... right now I feel stoned, very happy, and completely relaxed. I am so scatterbrained though I cannot keep from jumping up and doing something random. It has taken me three tries to get this far in typing because I keep thinking doing something else would be a good idea? Then I come back and finish.

I was always pretty sure I had some sort of ADD, but this medication is bringing it out more and more as I increase my dose. (Fourth time now lol -- I just went to get the mail).

This was me at work yesterday (I went up to 200mgs on Thursday and was definitely feeling the increase yesterday). I was in the middle of typing an email, about something that was a priority and needed immediate action taken, and then I started IMing a friend a whole long story about something, then started working on something else. 20 minutes later I saw the open email hanging out down on my task bar and thought, "Oh shit!" :H
I've been taking piracetam (for focus, memory and concentration) morning and afternoon every workday for awhile now, but at this level of bac, it doesn't seem to be helping much. Then again, who knows how bad I might be if I wasn't taking the piracetam at all! :H I'm not curious enough to find out.

Aside from my brain flipping around all over the place, 200mgs feels pretty nice. I am definitely experiencing the bac BUZZ!

[SlipperyPete]

Shotgun Opera Lock and Load

Rob, what an awesome post! So great to hear how well you're doing and how happy you are. And yes, it only gets better from here.

[Dosage0]

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I drank last night enough to make up for the night before. I am still at 40-30-40 but I drank another 3/4 of a Jager 750ml.

The funny part was I had 4 beers earlier at a BBQ. I finished the first, drank about 1/2 of the second before dumping it out. The third I took a sip of and then forgot where I put it. The fourth I took one sip of before I was leaving and dumped it down the drain. I was completely indifferent to the beer.

When late night was approaching though and I was at home I picked up a Jager bottle. Maybe the hard alcohol just pushes me over the stopping point. I don't know. I am a little bit disappointed by last night's drinking, but I'll take it as a positive that it is moving in the right direction.

No new side effects but I am really dizzy / nauseous this morning. The nausea could be from the hangover but the dizziness is definitely from the bac.

[Bruunhilde]

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Hey Rob, same with me, the hard stuff gets me over the "I don't want more beer" thing, and when I'm in that rut, its difficult to say the least, to exit the rut. I used to taper back to wine then to beer and just try different routines to keep me out late but that doesn't work all that well for me anymore. I need a new tactic.

We need local MWO meetup groups! Anyone in San Diego area? Please don't suggest AA.....

Hope you find a way to taper back Rob, we can get there, I just KNOW it! And for you, this is just one backslide, you're going in such a great direction overall. Don't let one night or even two make you think otherwise.

Edit: Same for me, compared to a year ago, I'm doing much better, so I have to keep that in mind. So there, we're both on the path to freedom. Doesn't that sound nice?

[SlipperyPete]

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You got the right attitude, Rob. Take a positive out of everything, and always keep learning. Your journey is just beginning.

[RudyB]

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dose, i've done the same thing, lost taste for beer and shot for the hard stuff (cheap vodka). i've done this twice in the last month or so (but never in the quantity that it used to be), and i was definitely disappointed. but i wanted a good high, and i knew i couldn't stomach the beer fast enough to attain this. it took the vod to reach past the stopping point, and i just barely did that. it's weird, not only does bac take away the cravings, it also seems to take away the ability to get drunk.

yep, bac'll make you dizzy. and yep, very good to put a positive spin on just about anything.

[Bruunhilde]

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Thanks for sharing that Ru, that kind of story helps all of us in Dose's shoes or versions of them.

[Dosage0]

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Well... I've decided to go up to 60-60-60. I have had few SEs so far and the ones I have had were not all that terrible. At my current rate it is going to take me months to get to high enough levels. Anyhow, I am still dosing at about 0600-0800, 1400, and 1900.

At 60 mg I have a bit more hallucinations when I shut my eyes after looking at bright lights, I feel a lot more tired, and I am fairly out of it. I don't know if I could be employed while at this level, but I am currently not working so it doesn't affect me in that regard.

Last night in the evening I decided to go up to 180 so I took 60mg for my evening dose. Last night I bought a bottle of jager and a 22 oz beer. I put the bottle in the freezer and didn't touch it. I drank half of the 22 oz beer. I went to the freezer and took out my previous bottle of jager which had about 1/4 of the bottle. I poured that into a cup and sat down in front of the television. I forced myself to down the jager (habit?) and then went to sleep.

That is pretty good for me... that is more like 175ml of jager and 1 beer in a night. I figure that to be about 5 drinks total. Much more reasonable than what I normally drink.

Thanks for all the words of encouragement

[Dosage0]

Shotgun Opera Lock and Load

wow... at 180 I have so many hallucinations I start to laugh. I am still drinking a lot of alcohol and am pretty drunk right now. I have had about 1/2 a jager 750 and a few beers. I am starting to wonder if I will ever feel like I did when I went to 110? A friend of mine is wondering the same thing, only they are saying it out loud, which is annoying to me. I want to be indifferent, but when someone is asking me,"why are you not" I start to get upset. Why are you not the same? I cannot answer and just wish I was. Until then I will blast NiN and Tool and wonder the same thing -- only not out loud. I am driving and bought a car, but I am so relaxed that my eyes start to wander involuntarily. I cannot control the times I pause to re-catch my eyesight and when I will concentrate. I cannot stop when I start to blip out of reality.

I feel angry and indifferent to everything but alcohol. I will just keep going... no need to stop now.

This sucks, but drinking for the rest of my life sounds worse... and all I can hear are the members of AA laughing when I told them I found a pill to help with alcoholism. I wonder.... are they right? Am I foolish?

Rob

[SlipperyPete]

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Sorry to hear about that, man, sounds like no fun at all. And no, you're not foolish in the slightest. You made the smartest decision of your life, which was the decision to take your life back. Hang in there, it gets better.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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Morning, (for me) Rob! (I can't remember where you are in the world? US?)

Taking a medication that's going to rid you of your obsession with alcohol isn't foolish. It's not wrong, and you won't regret it.

It can be a very tough journey, though. Especially when one is really eager to get to the finish line.

(Oh, and you'll feel like that again. Only better. Much better. You won't crave alcohol anymore. And you won't have any side effects.)

Check in and let us know how you're doing today, will you?

[Isolde]

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Dosage0;1191192 wrote: Until then I will blast NiN and Tool and wonder the same thing -- only not out loud.

My 2 favorite bands!!

Don't worry, Rob. You'll get there. :l

[GingerDust]

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I'm sorry you are having a rough time. As you said, you have nothing to lose by hanging in there. I don't think you are being foolish. It would be foolish to do nothing about drinking!

[Cassander]

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Dosage0;1190830 wrote: ...Thanks for all the words of encouragement

Hey Rob...Coming up on a month...might be a good time to check in with Dr L...you might ask him to reserve a half hour or so to get a good feel about how you are doing. I think he's seen pretty much all the SE's you are experiencing and he might have some good thoughts about titration...he's pretty good about fees, too, so that shouldn't stop you from calling...

Cass