Update

[Health&Happiness]

Hi All. So I'm back drinking. Hungover today. Went three months no drink. Then boyfriend and I broke up and said F it. Dumb I know. Mostly just 3-4 drinks every 2 days or so with dinner but a couple of times drank a ton to blackout and drove. One was last night. Ugh ugh and ugh. Not feeling too bad about it but just scared once again. Like how many times am I going to risk the drinking with the driving before something really bad happens, which crazy nothing has so far. Was on 75 baclofen for a while, seemed to help and was working out 1-2 hours a day. Well after the break-up said F that too so my focus now is to get back on the workout routine and no drink. But like tonight going to dinner with a friend and going to want a drink to feel better from last night so... Oh and titting down on the bac - I am not one to get depressed and I really think it has contributed to me being down - although the break-up has the most to do with it. So thinking I'll go down to 37-50. Ugh why can't we just drink like normal people?! Considering maybe going to an AA meeting but scared sheetless - don't want to run into a coworker, etc. Anyways I hope all of you are doing well. :l

[Bruunhilde]

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Hi HH,

Sorry to hear of your struggles, you are not alone.

Go to an AA meeting out of town. Do not drink and drive, imagine what it would do to you and your friends/family if you killed a little kid, for example. Visualize it a few times, it helps prevent the action.

Good luck! If you're going down on bac, you might want to start a thread in GDiscussion for non-meds support. Although you can also stay here, many people here are not on meds.

I'm on gabapentin for depression, it really helps. The bac helps with anxiety but I've heard one other person say it depressed them, so probably good to test out something else AND do something like AA because you cannot drink and drive.

I had three glasses of wine last night over 5 hours and drank more when I got home, I was "saving it up" if you know what I mean, so that I wouldn't kill anyone on the drive back here. Consider doing that if you can't control the drinking and driving completely and if you can't stop drinking.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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Hiya, HandH!
Oy. That sucks. I'm sorry.

I'm confused, though. You have all this stress in your life...You think that going down on the bac contributed to your stress/depression/etc... And yet you're going to go down more?

You stopped working out, too. I GET that. ugh. My muscles are atrophying as I write. But I know for sure how much better I feel, almost instantaneously, when I exercise. I'm now doing pushups on my living room floor just to get a bit of it moving around in my system. I try not to feel like hell about the fact that I'm a candy-ass again.
oops. Back to you!

I have found, despite all of my issues with AA, that my anonymity has always been respected. And that people are always warm and welcoming. AND that I almost always feel better after making it to a meeting.

Hang in there, Health! Don't stop looking for a way out no matter what! It's worth the fight at any price!
:l

[Doggygirl]

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Hi H&H. Boy I can relate to that feeling you describe about drinking and driving, and being thankful nothing bad happened. How many thousands of times did I get lucky with that one!! Really really important, I think, to find a way to mitigate THAT particular risk if you can.

Can't comment on the bac as I'm not a baccer, but wish you well getting back on track. I have been helped greatly by AA, and I swore for many years I would NEVER go. FWIW.

DG

[windycitylady]

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Hey H&H! I understand where you're coming from. Sorry about the breakup. That can really put you in a tailspin. But keep your head up, and get back to those workouts! Sounded like that really helped. You were AF for 3 months, right? You were doing something right! I, too, have struggled with depression while taking bac. I'm thinking of continuing to take it at a lower dosage to help prevent cravings but also avoid side effects like depression. Does that idea appeal to you?
Go to a meeting! Can't hurt. If you are really worried about seeing someone you know, definitely go to a town nearby.
Best of luck! Hang in there!

[Health&Happiness]

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Thanks everybody!! I feel like I know each of you from all of your posts. You've all helped me. I'm trying to make this quick so will reply to each of you as I can. LOL Ne re the pushups. WindyLady yes was AF for 3 months and I did that before last year as well but it was me being hermit staying away from all my friends/dinners/events and my friends not being happy with me. I want to learn how I can still see them and not drink!! The hardest thing is going to dinner and not getting wine! So now I'm at 38-50 bac a day. I want to take it b/c it helps with anxiety but I really think it may have contributed to me being down but Ne you're right maybe it was just the breaking up with the boyfriend. I don't know but even before felt "different" on it - of course didn't sleep as much but did help with the workouts I think. So...going to start back on yoga. So I'm going to work on that Ne. Yes, exercise helps so much - gives me something to do, I feel so much better, etc. But the big thing is I HAVE BEEN TO TWO MEETINGS!!! I'm so proud of myself . Love the people there. Have so much respect for all of them - just being there, willing to tell their stories, working on themselves. It warms my heart. I even talked at the first one b/c I couldn't help but cry pretty much throughout the entire meeting so they called on me and proud that I could speak up (I'm very shy and hate speaking in public). But felt comfortable enough and had the passion b/c alcohol is the one deterrent(sp?)/hindrance/negative thing in my life so it was great. Got a ton of numbers and a business card so emailed the lady with the biz card that night. Was trying to make the next day but left work late, traffic, and no way could make it. Turned around and went to a nice restaurant (by myself) and had steak and two wines. Tried for a minute to not order it and really didn't even want/need it but had a wine and then another. But no more. Third night, out with friends and had 5 or 6. I really think 6 so that not good but no blackout which for me is when I call it a "good night." Then tonight made sure to make the next AA meeting. It was great - no crying - it was just the first was so emotional b/c have been saying I would go for years and finally did. Okay I said I would try to make this quick . Anyways I just love that I have a place to go - haven't told ANYone I've been - it's going to be my little secret/sanctuary for a bit it makes me feel so much better. And have some people who understand and "get it." It's really great and recommend to everyone on here! I'd like to try some other meetings but cant see myself going to another right now - it was enough showing my face in the first one! Anyways so I'm doing okay and have a sense of hope right now and doing the one day at a time... (ha feels funny saying that, but really). I hope all of y'all are doing great.

EDIT: I want to clarify that I'm DEFINITELY going back to a meeting. If not tomorrow, next week. I meant I won't be trying a new place any time soon although I'd love to see how different meetings/people/venues are. For now, just comfortable going to the place where I first went and know some people.

[Health&Happiness]

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Love your Halloween pic Doggygirl!

[Greg]

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I'm glad to hear things are going well! I have found a lot of benefits by going to AA, even though I'm sceptical about some aspects. I'm not a regular by any means, but I find the company of other sober people to be beneficial. Where I live, nearly all socialising is via pubs and clubs, so AA is a welcome departure from that for me. I've found nearly everyone at AA to be kind and helpful, even if a few do go a bit overboard with their evangelism sometimes.

[Health&Happiness]

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Yeah I hear ya Greg. I'm agnostic so I kind of gloss over the evangelism part, but i just enjoy the camaraderie of it. It's like a therapy session. A $1 session!

[Doggygirl]

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H&H, glad to hear that you have found some new sober peeps. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Greg - I hear ya on overlooking the over zealous ones.

Wishing you well in your journey H&H!

DG

[nancy]

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counting

Vale doesn't like counting because he thinks it just reinforces this feeling of being deprived, also that if you relapse, you get this feeling of having lost all these days. That might, perversely, encourage a relapse. A number of authors believe that counting can be counter-productive. I have no doubt though that it helps others, to have pride in how far they have come and to avoid relapse. It's sad to me that so much of this addiction industry is unscientific and so based on these subjective interpretations. So, let's take all of this self-help with a grain of salt and just do what works with our own personality.