Me, myself and getting sober

[Bruunhilde]

Me, myself and getting sober

Space, you're making me seriously consider the antabuse. You're still on it, right?

You're doing great! I can see things looking up for you, in each post.

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

Yep Bruun Im still on the antabuse and I seriously dont know what I d do without it, today once again my moods have been all over the place, horrible guilt from past comming up about drinking and my kids and the way I neglected them and treated them bad, then just feeling bad for still letting people down now because I cant get myself to do the tings I say I will, my only hope is that because Im not drinking I will get though this but right now I just seem to feel like Im ok for a day or so then slip over in the shit again. Mostley tho my day actually hasnt been that bad, first off I was up in the night which was lucky because at 4am I remembered the chicken in the freezer for todays dinner, so I took it out and put it in a sink of cold water, when I got up late at around 12 30 I put the chicken in the over, but then forgot to turn it on, then when I realised what I had done I rang my mum to say dinner would be late, and the forgot to turn it on again!!!!!!! eventurally I got the dinner on and mum came round and the rest of the day was ok just this evening I went on a bit of a downer, but I realised that I hadnt taken my bac at lunchtime so I dont know if that was anything to do with it. My memory is scary god help me when I get old.

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

Today my mood has been all over the place again, the guilt and regret is starting to get to me intermitently throughout the day, also self blame for dss forms I filled in wrongly and I think I have lost my son a lot of money, I havent told him about it so will continue to worry about it. My youngest son has stayed off school again today sick, I think he is ill but am worried that a big part of it is him not getting to sleep of a night until about 12, he has been playing on his xbox with friends and the awful part of it is that Ive been allowing him as I dont really know how to deal with the situation. I went to my AA meeting again tonight and have to say going each week seems to be improving my mood, I do like the friendliness and chatting and hugs and am dealing with the stuff I dont like by dozing off during the meeting:H I took 100mg of gabapentin today but have not noticed any difference in my mood, I am reluctant to take more or daily because of what Ive read about dependancy. I also had a few cravings and while one of them was happening I thought about bac and whats going on with me taking that. I have been wondering why I started as Im AF anyway but can look back through my posts here to see why I made that decision, I have also been wondering how would I know if I reach the switch when Im not drinking but today I thought that I should titrate up until I stop craving, Im taking 50mg a day spaced out 4x day with 20 taken of a night before bed, but after last week and my being ill and not aking any for a day Im not sure when I should go up again, this morning I was feeling kind of stoned so I will maybe wait till that weres off before going up.

[RudyB]

Me, myself and getting sober

bebe, even without drinking (yay, you!), you'll know you're indifferent when the cravings stop. and then you'll be much less cranky, i bet. (i'm going to go ahead and assume that the cravings are a big part of your crank.) i wouldn't worry about that missed day last week, i'd go up in your dose as planned. at a higher dose, you might continue to feel stoned for weeks, or that se might disappear, as they sometimes do, strangely, when we go up. if you wait to go up until you're not stoned anymore, you might get stuck at that dose forever (some doses just do things to people).

i'm sorry to hear about your regrets-mood. i know that one so well. sorry too about the money lost (maybe?) to that form. that's gotta feel awful, but we all make mistakes. (last night, i accidentally let some info slip to my ex's ear, and i'm trembling in fear that it will bite me in the arse and take off a huge chunk.) we all make mistakes, and we must forgive ourselves and let them go. in the end, it mostly all comes out in the wash. (i'm trying real hard to muster the gumption to snap out of my own funk, so giving you this advice feels like i'm talking to myself, and it is helpful, so thanks.)

the regrets about being a drinking mother were mine as well, so your words go right to my heart. that is a very painful person to be. i encourage you to have faith that as your sober days mount, your regret will diminish. mine have and mine did. i am much more able to be in the moment with my son now that i have about four months of sobriety. we have a pretty great time together, and i rarely dwell for long in the sadness that once filled my days because i fell so short of who i wanted to be. you, too, will find this place.

you have my total empathy on the video game front. how old is your youngest? with my five year old, it has been working very well to tell him that if he argues or whines when i say 'no' or 'stop now', he won't be able to play the next day. miraculously, days go by now when he doesn't even think about video games. they're an addiction for sure, with all that instant gratification from very little effort. good news is, the less they play, the less they want to play. if your son is a teen already (or approaching that), the battle may be a bit or a lot more difficult, but you must put your foot down. You are the boss. staying up too late is punishing on kids, especially since they have to get up early to go to school. i have numerous students who simply don't function, and i often ask them why, and they often reply that they were up until all hours playing video games. it's no good. sheesh, i'm sorry, i realize that this is not very encouraging. but, what i mean to convey is how important it is that you claim your title as head of household -and this might be easier now that you aren't feeling guilty about current drinking- and set down some boundaries.

feeling guilty about past drinking is a very cruel punishment we impose on ourselves. do try to stay focused on the good that you are doing now in repairing yourself and your life. could you even maybe acknowledge to your children that you know you have'nt been the best mum, but that you're working at becoming a better one? that you're sorry you're so cranky, but you're having a tough time, and it's not their fault? (sinners love to confess, tee hee!) seriously, your humble honesty might help them accept you more, and might encourage them to let you be the boss.

good luck with all this, bebe. one thing i notice about you is that, even though you may be having a very tough time, you're always willing to support others, and you've always got your humor. your love and your lightness of heart will serve you well if you honor them as the beautiful aspects of you that they are. focus on those positives, and do stop beating yourself up.

yours in the good fight, with love,
rudy

[RudyB]

Me, myself and getting sober

bebe, i want to add that without knowing your son's age, it's hard to feel like advice will be helpful. have you googled about it to get some tips? it is a very common challenge! (you are not alone.)

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

Hi my youngest son is 12 and the worst of my drinking he can remember, also what was also worst was all the arguing and fighting in the house as he grew up with my older two now 22 and 25, so his life has been very disrupted

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

I am still getting headaches and terrible neck pain and am wondering if anyone else on bac has had this

[RudyB]

Me, myself and getting sober

12 is so sweet, until it is 13. (...if you choose to think that way.) i mean, rather, that there's still hope, bebe! you can turn a lot of stuff around, just look at what you're already doing with yourself...

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

thanks rudy your so cool and kind

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

I have been taking some but not much gabapentin on an irregualr basis and have just looked up all the meds on epocrates.com and it shaows baclofen gabapentin caution advised combo may incure risk of CNS depression, psychomotor impairment

[ifulovelife2]

Me, myself and getting sober

"Caution advised" isn't a biggey. It doesn't mean it'll kill you... necessarily. I'm taking bac and gabapentin and a few other things epocrates suggests may be a risk. Huge amounts of booze, now that's fricking risky.

I often used to get headaches when I was titrating up. That wasn't uncommon, as I recall. And I'm sure I remember people talking about neck ache too.

[Bminor]

Me, myself and getting sober

ifulovelife2;1222871 wrote: "Caution advised" isn't a biggey. It doesn't mean it'll kill you... necessarily. I'm taking bac and gabapentin and a few other things epocrates suggests may be a risk. Huge amounts of booze, now that's fricking risky.

I often used to get headaches when I was titrating up. That wasn't uncommon, as I recall. And I'm sure I remember people talking about neck ache too.

Sorry, I haven't read through this whole thread but may I ask what the Gabapentin is for? What it does?

[ifulovelife2]

Me, myself and getting sober

Gabapentin can be used as an anti-depressive, an anxiolytic or simply as a mood enhancer. It's good shit.

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

today I have taken my son to school, ordered my mum a christmas present online and been asleep for hours. I have woken up thinking it was 4 am then worried that its 4pm and I have slept the day away, where is my son? this is what I would do in drinking, get him off to school drink of a morning then pass out in the afternoon hoping I would wake and be ok before he came home, the difference is I am now sober although have just taken 20mg more bac so will probably be asleep again this evening, once again my house is a mess Im not able to do any housework, due to my new shopping thing and massive cpm[pulsive overspending tho my fridge freezer and cupboards tho are now crammed with food. I am still a minger, not washing or showering all too often, that seems like it would take massive energy resources that I havent got When drinking I would get a bath as I could drink in there in relative peace and safety. I am still not eating well, despite all the food I have I cant be arsed cooking for me and still eating crap for sugar rushes and chocolate cravings.. I am once again wondering what the fuck am I doing, why am I taking bac my life right now while infinately better than my drinking life is still a mess

[Bruunhilde]

Me, myself and getting sober

Space, don't be so hard on yourself!

First, like Rudy said, you're doing SO WELL to fix things in your life for yourself and your family. This is no time for self-judgement, this is when you need to be supportive of yourself, just as we are of each other here. Its crucial. Self damnation/criticism is what helped get many of us here or in some kind of depressive hell in the first place.

I struggle with the messy bedroom, office, fridge, cupboard, floorboards, garage, yard, etc. I too am always putting myself down but I'm trying to see it in another light. Don't compare yourself to the people on TV or your friends with clean houses and apparently perfect lives. You're looking through airbrushed lenses.

Not everyone's as brave as you are to let it all out here, and bare yourself. Its part of your healing path, its all good, its all okey-dokey.

This week as I was driving to meetings and thinking about new words in my daily language, ARSE came up as the big winner. Now how to explain if I blurt that out in a group of yankees who will think I'm being a complete idiot nerd making no sense? ARSE!