Me, myself and getting sober

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

Your advice isnt stupid at all Sammi, last year I lost my last job when I came back of holiday and had bought my mum a bottle of whiskey and my next door neighboor a bottle of vodka and when we got home around 12.30am I went and drank the vodka! this was after a lovely holiday with my family where I did drink at all and that started a bender where I just didnt go into work, really I should have rang in sick but I was also using it as an excuss because I was hating the job. I am looking at doing voluntary work now as that would be less pressure I think and did a course which I managed to complete so I have applied to a homeless charity and a mental health service.

Sammi when I first started taking antabuse I was walking the walls for around the first 2 weeks but after that it did get easier for me, I have also been on and off so many meds over the years and think I have probably had all the ssri's, what happens tho is I seem to have good times then bad times and when I have seen the doc while Im feeling bad thats when they change them. Right now the new meds the doc gave me 4 weeks ago are citalopram and serequel.

Well done on your 9 days we can all do this together xx

ps going on benefits and becoming a full time drunk isnt all what I used to imagine it being, I wouldnt recommend it as a lifestyle choice

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

Windy I only just read your message and the bit about the banket, soup and hug are so lovely, I have got tears in my eyes:l

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

Just having a yummy baked potatoe with tuna and salad

[Sammi33]

Me, myself and getting sober

Thanks space, baked potato and tuna salad sound yum....yay you're getting back on track!

I know the full time drunk thing would be a disaster, it is just always in the back of my kind that if i did it i would somehow get it all out of my system....crazy thinking and god forbid i ever actually do it.

I have been on citalopram in the past for a year or so a couple of times. I found it to be OK, but just ok. It didn't get me up and motivated and doing things to make me feel good, it just made me feel like i could manage to exist, but not much more and sort of flat. Whats your experience with prozac? For me i keep going back to it because it seems to get me thinking more positively and i get more energy, as well as less phobias and paranoia. The biggest problem i have had with it though ismwhen i get up to a high dose that is working well ( around 80mg) i have a HUGE ability to stay up and drink well beyond my normal capacity. For example normally i will drink and pass out or go to sleep at 1 or 2 in the morning but on higher doses of prozac I was regularly watching the sunrise and continuing to drink. I have settled on 40mg for now but i am hoping if i can stay AF the extra staying power wont be an issue so i can go up a bit.

Also have you heard of Tyrosine? My psych was at a point a few months ago where he basically said we have exhausted all options, and wanted me to go on MAOI's. I was really reluctant so eventually he prescribed this Tyrosine stuff. It is kind of like a supplement i think but he gives me a prescription for it, and it has helped me too, just a suggestion that might be worth researching.

Good luck to you xx

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

I agree about citalopram, it does makes me feel very flat as well, but theres no way I could change again now and Im not sure what I was like on prozac its so long since I had it. I have heard of Tyrosene, its good its doing you good and its a natural suppliment I think so its not putting yet more meds into my body. I would so love to not have to take any meds but its been so long that Ive been on antidepressants that I really dont know what I would feel like without them. I dont know if they meds have all just made it worse, my son is agoraphobic and the doc was offering him antidepressants and still coming out with the old line of take them for 6 months - 1 year while you get better. I think I was told that 20 or more years ago!

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

I am feeling so much better today, I had a great sleep in fact I didnt get up till 12.30, I never sleep in like that and was too late to take my son to his hospital appointment but its ok I rang them and they rebooked. My youngest son has had his friend stay over so hes happy and hes gone out now and Ive been shopping for food, that wasnt the best food shop I have bought as its mostley crappy easy things but the fridge is not full and so is my tum. not eating is so much worse for me than eating the wrong things and I just cant get my head and body round a proper shop and cook now Im feeling too spacey for that.

I had a bit of a panic earlier when my docs said they couldnt do my precription until Tuesday, then where very helpful when I asked them I could do because I would run out of tablets, the receptionist said I could go to A&E,THAT IS RIDICULOUS so I had a bit of an argument about why she couldnt just print the piece of paper and get a doctor to sign it but apparently that was impossible, I went to the chemist and explained and she has give me the pills so thank god not everyone is a jobsworth procedure following jerk.

After a lot of very confused thinking and something Red said I am staying taking meds for the forseeable future. I never want to be out of control on vodka again, ever. I have spent years trying to do the get totally sober and clean and all that stuff and it has never worked so why do I keep thinking its the way I should be? I have no clue, I dont care if its controvertial to say here but I do think that all the years I spent being brainwashed in AA have a hell of a lot to do with my thinking and my state of mind, the day counting, the being a failure because I kept on slipping and having to go back to the beginning and all the other stuff which made no sense to me but I kept on going because I was desperate and didnt know what else to do and thought I would loose my kids if I didnt do it. Now I really do have to put all that behind me, totally and continue looking for my own way. I thought I had it with antabuse but now I think theres more to it than that, Im not saying I dont want the AB but I want more than just days of not drinking if that makes sense, I think now that AB is a tool but not the answer.

Going to make the dinner now for my hungry hoard

love you all:l

[Bruunhilde]

Me, myself and getting sober

Hi Space, I'm so glad to see you doing so much better. I just caught up on your thread, I've been scarce around these boards lately, too overwhelmed with work and travel and a certain mad bitch I work with who emotionally exhausts me. On the plane the other day I had a gin and tonic, because I had been with the bitch all day and it was free. A reward for my pain and suffering, you know. Then I started fantasizing about getting a bottle for martinis, and my stinking thinking going around and around about how THIS time I'm thinking I could just have a drink or two (HOW MANY TIMES MUST I THINK THIS?) and its so much better than wine or beer (which I use to keep myself from getting wasted on hard liquor) because the hangover isn't as bad and its such a spark going down at first.

Then I had a long lecture with myself about how I would drink almost half that bottle and then I wouldn't be able to throw away the other half, and then two days from now I'd be even more depressed and crazy about the booze again. So I got a bottle of wine instead, but I drank the whole thing. Again, much better than a year ago when I would drink almost two, nightly, and now I'm not drinking nightly. I am not drinking tonight.

Its this anxiety that's gotten really bad lately, as work has gotten crazy and I've started this other project which is making me crazy with fear. Its all freaking me out and giving me stress that keeps me from sleeping and paralyzes me. I really need to exercise. On my goal list for tomorrow, which I'm taking as a vacation day from my job so I can work on my studies, I have WALK as my top 'to do' item. Get outside and walk. I would take my neighbor with me but she depresses me because she's depressed and doesn't even have any job stress (retired since age 35!!!) and her husband owns a bunch of rental properties and has a pension. She has no friggin' idea what my life is like and I can't stand to hear her whine about this and that, it all seems so silly and idiotic and pathetic. And it just makes me so angry, and she sounds so old. I'll tell you that the women I know who don't have stress, grow old very early. Boring too.

Anyways, enough of the rant. I saw your icon says you're feeling chattys so I just belted it out. Going back to the salt mines now.

:l

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

Hi Bruun, I did say about your work on the other thread but I didnt think about the walk. I think its a great idea, I did start walking last week but then the walk kept taking me to the off licence for vodka so they werent to good for me but I do want to start again, I wouldnt fancy going with the depressed neigbour either. Dont you have a dog to take, just go with him/her will be fun and enjoy it. I will do that tomorrow as well and we can check in with each other about it tomorrow night.

You dont have to answer to anyone about your bottle of wine, its your choice, and yes of course you are so much further than a year ago.

[Bruunhilde]

Me, myself and getting sober

Thanks Space. I had a big talk with the dog this morning about how I would really like to take him for a walk but he's exhausting and he pulls and barks and he's 90lbs so if he sees something and wants it he will pull me over. He has done it before. So no, not relaxing! Unfortunately! I lost 20lbs the first year I had a dog I could walk, three years ago. She's passed away but she was calm and got even calmer as she got sick, easy to walk, poor thing. I guess I'm glad my dog isn't easy to walk when I look at it that way.

Yes, the walk to the liquor store is a problem.

I have a built in alcohol barrier called my gut. My stomach hurt all day today from two nights with ONE bottle of wine each. Can you believe that? Maybe its also the extreme anxiety I've been having. I think they trigger each other - the sick stomach reminds me of immense anxiety times that made me sick to my stomach! And alcohol makes my stomach sick so maybe it triggers the anxiety and its all in my gut and not in my life?

I sure wish I had some good old painkillers of the fun and illegal type!

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

I am a bit dissapointed that I didnt get more response to the thread I started the other day about my new protocol idea. Anyway I have decided to start going ahead with it, I have already written on another thread about not having found the book, or ordered the supps, so how you may ask am I going to start. Well, I have around 300 bac, 50 gabapentin, also I have to continue with the citalopram and serequel but I am taking both of those at the lowest doses, my psychiatrist had advised my to increase the serequel but as yet I havent, mostley because I worry about the interaction with bac and gabapentin both of which do seem to be helping me quite a lot at the moment. One thing I do want to say at this point so I know in future is that I have always had a major problem with daytime slleeping, I have had to spend so many days in bed and I have hated it. Since starting the serequel I cant sleep of a day, even when I have felt very tired I have tried to lie down and sleep and I just cant, I just lie there.

Anyway, I have got some vitamins and stuff here and am already taking them

Omega 3
Vit C
Vit B complex
Evening primrose
Multivits & Minerals A - Z
Calcium & Vit D
Magnesium
Chromium
Siberian Ginseng
Glucosamine
Co-enzyme Q10

I have been taking about 30mg bac and 100mg gabapentin for a while now and been fine with that in that I have had no noticable se's but this amount did nothing for my wanting to drink. Yesterday and today I took 100x2 gabapentin and my motivation and ability to do things has noticably improved. I have stopped any craving for al in the after noon by taking another bac so today I took 10mgx4. I drank 1 can lager today and yesterday evening also. After the scare at the funeral when I drank the glass of wine which wasnt even mine by accident after taking 100mgAB the morning before I havent taken any more AB although I do intend to maybe when I am ready and sure I want to be totally AF again

If anyone has any ideas, info, comments on what I am about to be doing I will appreciate it.

[suneelca]

Me, myself and getting sober

Protocol

Hi, Space. I think the book protocol is about Topa? I got all the stuff but was too lazy to follow it. Not to beat the dead Amiesen Bac horse - there was a certain appeal to just taking pills, although clearly it's not that easy.

Personally am down on supps right now as having what I think is a bad 5-htp Melatonin experIence. That said, sorry not to have responded sooner! And will write more later - need to go shopping for Easter dinner. Pot roast!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Me, myself and getting sober

I didn't respond, Space, because it sounds like you have a goal and plan in mind. With that thought I wasn't sure I wanted to weigh in, but I'll offer my two cents for what they're worth.

Proper nutrition is vitally important. It makes sense that getting help in terms of using supplements is a good idea, particularly if one does not eat well, is still drinking or newly sober.

Mostly, though, what I've noticed in watching other people and seen in my own life is that keeping it very simple is a really effective way to get to a goal. For me that has meant picking one thing, sticking with it, and eliminating almost everything else that might distract.

You are taking a lot of very serious, complicated medications. Vitamins, minerals and aminos have effects and affects on that stuff, too. Is it such a good idea to add that to the other stuff you're taking? Especially when you're not really sure what is working and what isn't at the moment?

Did you want to drink before you started the new medications? Did you want to go off the deep end?
If the new medications are making you feel bad (still) and want to drink, then throw them away. Now. You don't need permission from the doctor. If they don't work, or make things worse, it's okay to not take them.

When I was in rehab I learned almost nothing related to actually being able to get and stay sober. (No surprise since it's a medical disease and not a matter of wishful thinking or praying my drunkenness away. Anyway.) What I DID learn was something about getting and staying well.

I went to sleep at the same time every night and got up at the same time every morning. Ate three square meals a day--and most of it so inedible that I really lived on canned spinach and eggs. Not a bad diet, nutritionally! :H And I walked a mile or more every day after lunch.

That was enough to accomplish when I was first getting my recovery game on! I am not saying that you (or any of us) might not need something more than that. But there is TRUTH in getting back to basics, keeping it very simple, and accomplishing what otherwise seems like a HUGE task.


Finally, be gentle with yourself, sister. And stay strong.

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

Thanks sun and ne, one of the reasons for me putting stuff on here is that I like to get other thoughts on it, you know someone outside can often see what I cant see about myself. Also I am kind of thinking out loud to make sense of things in my head.

It isnt the new meds themselves that had an effect on me so much, it was the changing meds that did it so I will stay on these now but wont be increasing the dosage. Since I know the citalopram is pretty useless I would eventualy like to drop it, but not yet.

Over the past week I have noticed the gabapentin is great for getting out of the deppression, not in my consious mood as I cannot feel anything like a buzz of that but in my ability to be able to get up and do things. I have started cleaning my house for the first time in I dont know how many months.

The bac, it was when I tried to reduce the bac, for no reason I can now think of, I started getting my anxiety back and even had a full blown panic attack while driving home from the psychiatrist. So I have established its use for controlling my anxiety, now onto its use for controlling my drinking. I am once again reading The End of my Addiction and am at this question mark place where because I have tried HDB 2 times before and packed in because of the se's, in fact just the nodding off the sleep every evening on the settee and mostley my fear of taking so many unprescribed meds I fellt like I failed. the amounts you peeps go to seem frightening, is whats been stopping me trying it again. Also the combining it with the other stuff I take worries me so thats why I havent gone that route again, but I am not opposed to going that way in fact I am seriously wanting to as I want to sort this drinking out. I know and probably everyone else around me knows that I can now stay AF for periods of time, great, but its not the answer, all it is is waiting time until I drink again, and when I have done its been a vodka bender that could kill me, hence the lager, I am using the lager right now for when I need a drink, I would rather alloow myse;lf to have a lager of an evening than staf AF again the do the same as before. I see my being AF rather like the little dutch boy who put his finger in the whole in the damn, by doing so he stopped the little trickle but caused the damn to eventually break.

The supps, I dont know, no reason, I just always thought they where good for me and I should take them.

Life at home is all quite again, I seem to have managed escaping the worst I feared a week ago, in another week I will hopefully relax about it and assume its not going to happen.

Thanks for listening to me but I really do appreaciate it:h

[windycitylady]

Me, myself and getting sober

Space! I didn't get a chance to respond to your thread on MWO protocol! It was there one second and gone another.
I only have a minute right now (I WILL finish that goddamned alcohol course before noon today!), but I'll be back in a little bit.
Long story short, I think it's a great idea!

[windycitylady]

Me, myself and getting sober

Finished the course! Got 100% on the test! Hell yeah!
Space, I'm big on vitamins. Sounds like a good selction you've got there. Probably cost a lot of money to buy those all at once! I take everything you have there except for ginseng and co q 10. You might want to think about milk thistle. Does wonders for your liver, you actually feel better when taking it.
If you can't find the MWO book and you're interested in the nutrition stuff, look for "Seven Weeks to Sobriety" or whatever Joan Mathews Larson is calling her book these days. Following it to the letter would have you taking a billion pills a day, but it's got great information.
Along with MWO and baclofen, gabapentin has been the thing that's really saved my life. It helps my depression and anxiety with no side effects. I take 1200mg/day, in 3 doses. I think it has a relatively short half life, maybe 6 hours? I can feel when I need to take one. I know you already take it, but have you thought of increasing your dosage little by little to see if it helps? I took seroquel a long time ago. I don't remember much about it, but I think it helped. It's interfering with your sleep? I'm confused, I thought some people took it for sleep? Going down on the bac gave me horrible anxiety attacks too. It was HELL.
No one can tell you what you should or shouldn't drink. Do what's right for you. That said, I know for me a few cans of beer would turn into 6, into 12, etc. But that's me.
You sound great, Space. I'm so excited for you!