Me, myself and getting sober

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

Thanks windy, Ive got the seven weeks to sobriety book, and the depression free in seven weeks or whatever, they are probably both the same book as I bought them (of Amazon) and havent bothered reading them so I should check them out. The supps I mentioned are the ones Ive already got in the box, I just replace them when I run out and I have been taking those ones pretty much for a year or more. When I said serequel interfers with my sleep I mean in a good way, since I started taking it I have stopped sleeping all day and now am just sleeping of a night after I have taken it, which is all I ever wanted re sleep, I also have to say I have also stopped wanting to sleep of a day which is the best thing, of course I used to be able to keep myself awake but it was often not a happy state for me to be, being knackered and wanting bed but trying to force myself awake, I am also now able to sit with my son of an evening without dropping off.Its great.
I have also upped my gabapentin over the past few days and have really noticed a massive difference with that, I have been able to function and do things and am so much happier.
My anxiety is still there but nothing like it was when I tried to cut down on the bac but right now I am quite a happy bunny.

Went to my mums today and did the dinner and wahsed the dishes and also took a cake with me. I have also visited my auntie whose husband died and it all went well, I didnt feel like I was having to drag myself around and none of it got me down. And I feel good because I have done my good deed

[Bruunhilde]

Me, myself and getting sober

Hi Windy, just left you a question on the other thread which is now answered here, congrats on the test! Did you get to your Dad's though?

Space, I totally relate to your AF time and the little boy with his finger in the hole keeping the dam up. That's how it feels for me too. And I'm glad you upped the gabapentin. Last time we posted about it, you were concerned my dose was too high, and I thought yours was too low. I'm taking between 200mg-1200mg. I notice that I build up tolerance however, so I try to vary my dose so I'm only taking as much as I need on any given day. So when PMS rolls around, I can double or triple my dose and get helped.

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

Yep Bruun at the low dose I didnt notice anything, so in fact I may as well have not taken it, its only now that I upped the dose even 200mg that I get its effects.

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

Thoughout the day today the lager has been calling me but not madly, so eventually I took the dogs out, came home and poured one, I didnt even really want it, just cos it was there, but I looked at it put is down then had a drink really didnt want it and poured it away! I will make dinner soon and see how I feel later. Really Im just very tired and want to sleep but dont want to go to bed. The couch I bought last year is so uncomfortable I dont bother sitting in the living room much anymore, maybe if I was in there I could get comfy and nap. Still reading DrOA book and have been reading Redheads thread undecided on whether to go for HDB again or not, I would love that indiferance I hear about whatever it is. I will see how things go for now. I know I can go back to being AF with AB but I also know thats not the answer in that I will just be AF for a time and then drink again, I am hoping to find something that will actually change my whole thing about AL. Maybe what I want doesnt exist, maybe it is bac or topa and its staring me in the face. Anyway I have an appointment with the alcohol treatment centre at the hospital on the 26th April, not that I am thinking they are going to come up with anything, I am mostley going just so I am complying with my treatment but I want to have a plan of my own by then so I can lie and tell my family about it and lie and say it is from the hospital. For those of you who dont know my family has been against my trying anything except not drinking, they then accepted antabuse because it made me not drink. I understand why they want this, I would love to be happy just not drinking too but so far it has never worked out for any period of time.

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

ok I am still reading through threads and am now thinking that I dont think I would want to stay on HDB forever, which seems to be the commitment needed. I am not really prepared to take such a large amount of unprescribed madication for the rest of my life, so if I do decide to go the bac route I will have to pay a doctor to prescribe it, I cant really afford that, but if it was the only way ...
Nal, this was the first med I ever heard of for alcoholism, I will start reading up about this, in ways of expense and any potential health problems with taking meds forever this sounds like the best option, mind you I dont know how much it costs yet, also Im not sure if it is licensed for use here for Alcohol or just heroin, I have heard of quite a few heroin users in my city who have been prescribed it.

edit ; I dont really know what Im talking about here, I am ok right now taking the amount of bac and gabapentin I am taking and if I need a drink having lager but waiting for evening. All this thought is because I am convinced I wont suceed doing this maybe because I have failed every other time and every other way I have tried

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Me, myself and getting sober

It is really, really hard to know what to do in the face of what we face. There is so much information here, and so many different stories, it's even more difficult.

I've read back over your thread a bit, from the beginning. It seems to me that there are so many options you've tried, and some of them have worked rather well. Others, not so much. Including trying to titrate up on baclofen!
I'm left wondering if there's not a middle ground...the kind of thing you had before the change in meds. Antabuse got you to the place where you could talk to your family about it and not drink, a day at a time. And you made incredible strides!!! And bac, well, I guess I would say it was a contributing factor to being able to be comfortably sober. Right?
The thing that seems (to me) to undermine the effort is changing things up in the hopes for a better or speedier return to...comfort. We all do it. It's HARD to figure out what's normal. I spent months and months of visits to my therapist asking her, "Is that normal? Is this? Am I supposed to feel this way?" Because who knows? (I finally gave up that line of questioning. Who tf knows what normal is or wants to be like that anyway??:H) My point is, I guess, you've been pretty good at being able to figure out how to battle this crap. Perhaps it's just knowing it's going to take a while.

So to go for the "switch" (which isn't exactly a switch for most of us) isn't really necessary right at this moment, maybe.

But Space, if you're going to take the pills, please stop just stopping. It doesn't mean you have to take them for life. It doesn't mean that you can't stop taking them...It does mean that just not taking them for days on end, after taking them for a while, can lead to a tailspin. It worries me. There are too many stories of people who drop or stop abruptly only to find themselves so anxious they end up very sick, or severely depressed.

That may be a side effect we've never really talked about, or it may be a thing for me because of recent events. But it bodes talking about, especially since there are so many people who are taking low-dose baclofen. It is readily apparent to those of us who take a lot of it that something is amiss if we miss doses, or take it willy-nilly. But what of the people for whom this is not obvious? What if this (missing doses, or taking more and then less or none) exacerbates anxiety and depression? It is worth discussing, certainly.

And that is not to say that I think that high-dose baclofen is anything other than a miracle. It is. There is no doubt in my mind or in the minds of the people I know who don't drink against their will. But it's a potent chemical and should be treated as such. (I do miss the days when there was a loud choir that believed one should just take handfuls of it and be done with it. I get that, too, even now. Because if one takes enough, for long enough, one stops drinking against one's will. But it might really fuck one up in the meantime, and that is not to be desired. )

Just keep on sussing it out, Space. I know you'll get there.

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

I get what you mean by my stopping with the pills, I think it was because I was only taking 30mg bac I didnt really give it much thought when I missed one, I also mistakenly thought that not taking it (I have absoloutely no clue why I decided to do this) would also not be a big deal. I was not in my right mind to begin with, what with changing the pills off the doc, by the way over the past week the seroquel has been great but more about that later. And so for whatever reason it was I decided to reduce the bac, as I have said I dont know whether it was the reducing bac or the change in other meds, no I do know it was a combination of the both, but it was on the monday when the panic attack hit, which I havent had in quite a while and it was horrible, then the anxiety just seemed to stay with me, I vaguely remember thinking I needed bac and taking one but I think by then I was in to much of a state. Vodka did sort it, it always works but as we know has a high price to pay. Then I woke up 6 days later. I did take another 1/2 AB but by then it was a halfhearted attempt, its a good job I only took 1/2 because I accidentaly drank the glass of wine I was supposed to be throwing down the sink but that still has nothing to do with why I am not just returning to the AB AFness I had before.
It was during those months that I knew it would end, I didnt know when but I knew it would. Maybe Im wrong in looking for an answer and a way of living and I should just keep doing what I have been doing for years, staying AF for a time then when the floodgates open I drown in vodka, but thats the point, I dont want to live like that.

Another reason why I have god my own thread back, I can waffle on and it doesnt matter what I say its my thread.

Going to get some chips

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

My mum goes to hospital tomorrow, after all the test on her bowel and getting the all clear on cancer there they have found a lump on her pancreas. I had so far resisted googling it but just did then and I have have had to click off and come on here quick, it has made me sick, I dont know what to do

[LadyLush]

Me, myself and getting sober

Space,

Don't drink on it Space! You need to be level headed right now. You can not disappear for 6 days again. Your mum needs you!
Listen to Neva about stop the stopping! The Antabuse was working and will work if you are dead set on giving it up. You HAVE to have your mind made up that moderating is not the answer.
I know Space, me too, and most of the people on this site; we want to drink "normal" whatever the hell that is, but we always go back to square one.
Right now Antabuse and low dose Bac is my only answer, and I think it was getting you somewhere too. Neva is also right about the fact our mood swings are enhanceed when we are taking the Bac sporadically.

I have so much more to say but I have to run. Send me a PM if you need to. I am here for you as is everyone else.

We'll get this right my friend!:l

LL

[Bruunhilde]

Me, myself and getting sober

Space think positivexand Visualize IT! I don't want to become a pain and I care ahout your situation. I do.
:l

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

She goes to the hospital this afternoon, I wanted to go with her but her friend is taking her, she was a nurse in the hospital for a long time and my mum trusts her judgement.
Lush Im not going to drink on this dont worry, Im ok at the moment.
I may find out it is just a cyst

[suneelca]

Me, myself and getting sober

Space -- remember Dr A's saying that if he was experiencing more anxiety and stress, he would take an extra 20 (or even 40?) extra mg of bac. Clearly you wouldn't want to do that much if you're on a relatively low dose ... hoping for the best with your Mum.

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

I started posting this on another thread but then thought its too much about me so moved it here. Do I talk about myself too much, if I do so its often only to give an example of what does and doesnt work for me which I hope may help others, I like to hear what is both helpful and not helpful for anyone else, thats how I learn

I have decided to carry on taking my serequel, I am feeling good right now and dont want anything to change that. For the first time in a long time I have energy of a day time and can function pretty well. I have less daytime tiredness than before the meds and have been keeping out of bed of a day. I think the depression was wiping me out more than meds are now. Plus the serequel does seem to help give me a good solid sleep and I wake feeling good. There must be some kind of balance between not taking too many meds but not taking so few that we feel bad. The worst self medicatin is of course alcohol in my case, and it is great not to need to have it.

Because I had that AF time In not into the all day drinking habit but as soon as I picked up the vodka I was back there, within a day, which I find quite scarey. It has been reletively easy for me to stop that after a couple of days off it but I have had a few lagers of a night. I am dealing with this by restricting myself, not drinking before 7.30 pm, 3 cans max. Last night I didnt even finish 1 can and didnt want another. I think its both waiting for the meds to work and the changes in our brains to happen and actively trying to make changes myself that will help my brain get better. I am also taking my dogs out for a walk each evening, its a new healthy habit and discipline Im trying to instill in my brain. Replace a worn old habit with a new healthy one.

One of the great things about bac is its effects on anxiety and the fact that I can take an extra 10mg if I need it, which I think I did do the other night.

Thanks for all the thoughts and good wishes about my mum, she has to go back for more tests but today was good news as in nothing very bad is there, it is such a relief

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Me, myself and getting sober

Hiya, Space.
I haven't really been keeping up on all the threads, but I left some stuff undone/unsaid/unresponded to here.
And no. I don't think you talk too much about yourself. :H In fact, I think you talk just right about yourself. Your experience, your take on it, and your willingness to share some of it here have given me a lot to think about. Not to mention the fact that you know the drill--for every person typing and posting there are several more who are lurking and looking and hoping. And one of them is bound to identify with something you write. I know I often do! It may just help somebody along, when you keep up with where you are and what you do and why.

So. The depression and sticking with the meds thing. I think that's where we left off, right? And I think we'd come to some sort of conclusion--in that it's relatively important to just stay consistent, or as consistent as possible, when trying stuff out. With the exception of when it just doesn't work, right? Like in your last bout with the med change.

And so forgive me if you've covered this, or have moved on, but you stopped taking baclofen and started taking the new meds around the same time. Right? And you've since started the baclofen again (same dose as before?) and are only taking the seroquel. And still having a couple o' drinks on a night (as you would say )
How is that working? Because I saw something, somewhere...And I've been reading all this addiction/treatment stuff that makes me think of you...(Mostly the fact that you are doing everything "right"--whatever the hell that means. )

I hope things are still improving for your mom and the last round of tests showed improvement. I apologize that I have resorted to asking all my questions here, and not reading the AB/Nal thread... Sometime soon!
xo and :l

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

Hi Ne, Thanks for asking about my mum, she is ok right now, shes a bit fed up with all the hospital visits and has to go next week for some test with anesthetic so I have said I will collect her and stay overnight with her because with her living alone she would have had to stay in otherwise but as things are going she is ok. My mum is very strong, she gets up and gets showered and does her hair every day and goes out somewhere, even if its only to the supermarket she refuses to let things get her down.

Im not sure what you mean when you say I am doing everything "right"!!! I wouldnt recommend anyone copy me Where Im up to is with the meds of the psychiatrist I am taking serequel and citalopram, with the meds off me I am taking 50mg bac and gabapentin. Yes I am having lager of a night, not every night but most, why? not sure really just not ready to stop right now and Im feeling ok with it, not craving more so Im just going with it, if it alls goes wrong then I will have to deal with it, like I had to deal with it all going wrong over all the years I have tried going AF. I have always known there is more to this for me than the drink, and therefore it isnt solved by just not drinking, there is more going on with me than that. And I dont mean that therapy or whatever other talking things will do it either, this is about my depression/bipolar whatever, which yes I still have, I cant say that as yet the serequel has done wonders but there again I am ok and Im sober and have had a few down days but nothing awful so maybe I is doing good, time will tell, apart from tiredness which I will have to deal with by getting to bed earlier it is better than no serequel. (I mean sober as in Im not getting drunk not as in AF, I know you know the difference Ne) Or maybe what I just said was totally right because talking on here makes a massive difference to me. But anyway as weve established the meds are staying the same for now, who can tell what the future holds, someone could even find an antidepressant that cures depression!!!!!!!!!!! That is apart from the bac which I have increased since my blip (shall we call it) not by much I was taking 30mg and now Im taking 50mg not a huge amount by any means but I do feel so much better when I take bac and I know of its safety so I feel ok with taking whatever I need. If I need more then I will take it.

I have got myself some new hobbies, cake baking and gardening and Im enjoying doing them both, so thats a start for me to have found something for me.

So thanks for asking Ne, I dont know why you apologised for asking it is nice that you are interested, way better than the days of no one wanting to know

I hope things are going well for you, are you still studying hard or did you say you have time off coming up?

:lxxx