Me, myself and getting sober

[windycitylady]

Me, myself and getting sober

Ne/Neva Eva;1328238 wrote:
Amazing to me that you feel so depressed and that you can't be arsed to do anything, and you just had company, take people around, always seem to be doing something for someone (the hospital visits, going to the gravesite, moving mattresses, etc...) much of which, most of which!, seems really emotionally draining.

And you don't really feel good, your back hurts, you are dealing with your kids--their judgement/lack of understanding, and your son's challenges related to school--
You are having to treat yourself, order your own bac, navigate medications and still ramming yourself for drinking.

Holy shit, Space. Your plate is full!

EXACTLY! Space, I don't think you give yourself enough credit. No matter how bad you're feeling you push through it to do the things you need to.
Ne! Sorry things are so crazy right now. Imagine how wonderful it will be when (when, not if) you find that perfect house, get the boxes unpacked...I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

Thanks for the replys, I needed to hear them Im feeling really pretty crap right now so sorry Ive got nothing to give here.

[playland]

Me, myself and getting sober

Space, I hope you are OK, thinking of you.

love you, play

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

Hi all Im back after a few awful days, I cant really say what happened but going up on bac didnt work for me as I wanted to and just ended up taking more bac and drinking more and becoming more depressed and was actually pretty bloody scared for my life and my sanity at one point.

So I do need to reacess what has happened and where I go from here. I just took and antabuse so I cant drink anymore. I need to get my head straight so I can see where Ive been and am going.

[playland]

Me, myself and getting sober

Ok, see you tonight (for me), I'm off to work, put your package in the mail yesterday (finally), please take care Space.

xoxox
play

[windycitylady]

Me, myself and getting sober

Space, I was worried about you. I was about to PM you when I saw this. Did you drink significantly more? Did you drink vodka? Were the bac se's getting to you? (I know you don't like calling them se's, but...)
Maybe the AB is a good idea. Get a couple AF days under your belt to better reassess your situation.
Sending you good thoughts, sweetheart.
And hugs. Lots of hugs.

[ifulovelife2]

Me, myself and getting sober

Bebe, have you given in and reduced your bac dose or are you continuing to push on and soldier through to the other side?

IMO it doesn't matter if you drink more when you're titrating up. It actually happens to lots of people: they experience an increased urge to drink because the beast knows it's fighting for its life and is frantically trying to derail their efforts.

Anyway, chin up old girl and bake yourself a cake.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Me, myself and getting sober

Hiya sister of the sauce.
I'm really sorry you're feeling so god awful. THAT I can remember...

I'm not really in any frame to give pep talks, either. But here's the thing...A bad couple of days or weeks have derailed more than one person, and I'd hate to see you just throw in the towel.
Being hungover sucks. But it stops. The agony stops. Then it's time to get back on the bus.

spacebebe01;1330126 wrote: ... but going up on bac didnt work for me as I wanted to and just ended up taking more bac
...
So I do need to reacess what has happened and where I go from here.

And here's the other thing...You were kinda headed to that awful place before you decided to go up on the bac. Right? If you read back over the last week (or two!) perhaps you'll see that you were just getting it from all sides...Taking care of everyone and everything except yourself. Completely sober for a couple of days. You've mentioned before that you thought that the lagers helped you stave off the bender...And you couldn't because your family was staying with you.

I'm not suggesting you drink, and I'm glad you took an antabuse, but when you're ready you can take a look at the whole big picture.

Your priority is YOU. Fuck the rest of 'em for the time being. (sorry. I know that's crass and rude and whatever, but this is your very life. Yours. Not theirs.)

Don't dismiss the things that were working. There is no correlation (imo) between the increase in bac and the bender. It doesn't work like that. It just doesn't.
It will make you feel like cold shit after a good bout of drinking, though.

You, Space, are a really funny, fun, courageous and wickedly smart woman. Don't let anyone (or anything in your own brain) tell you otherwise.
And you got this.
:l (I wish I could make that emoti HUGE.)

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

Hi Life and Ne, thanks for your kind words they mean a lot to me.

What am I doing hmmm well Im doing the antabuse for a while again to get some sober time together and I have also come right down on the bac again. I could not take the depression anymore, I dont know what was causing it so by once again process of elimination I need to find out. This last time although I was not horrifically depressed for the whole time I was stuck for I dont know weeks/ months I dont know. So I see my psychiatrist on the 28th and before then need to have found if it was the bac or not. If it was then I got my answer, if not well then I know she has to change the meds I get prescribed. I suspect the serequel is playing a big part in all this but need to know its not the bac.

I do know that this fucking depression/bipolar whatever will probably be with me whatever I do and take but I cannot carry on as I have been. Its bad enough at its best, I cant have anything making it worse.

:l:l

Oh and yes I know that the lager was making it worse so Im glad thats gone.

I dont think HDB is for me this happened last time and yes I know there is a chance that if I had carried on up I would have been ok but I just didnt have anymore strength left to do it.

God it was good this morning to wake up and realise I hadnt drank last night, for some reason that was the first thing I was thinking of of a morning while I was drinking, even after just a couple when I didnt have a hangover just a kind of yuk feeling.

Hows the house moving/buying going Ne, moving once is bad enough I would hate the moving into the temp place first only to move again. Living out of boxes is a right pain.

[playland]

Me, myself and getting sober

Oh Space,
I'm glad you had a better morning, anything to make you feel better today, that's what I want for you. And no, I don't believe that it is worth it to carry on no matter what, there might have been a chance but if you don't have the strength, then there it is, you gave it what you had, after all, in my opinion, it is a drug that has some god awful side effects for some people and that just might not be doable, it affects everyone differently, you are the only one who can make that decision and I totally support you in your decision.

You Are In My Thoughts and In My Heart,
Play

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

Thanks Play, now Im off the bac I am feeling a bit kind of raw but ok. Im relieved to have made the decision to start the AB again and get some sober time. and Ive also still got the gabapentin and have re started campral to help me. I am definately feeling a lot better now Ive stopped taking bac. I have to say that for some people it seems to be a fantastic med, but for me it just doesnt work, maybe because I also have depression and it seemed to drag me down more into that. I think anything that saps my energy and makes me more tired probably would as thats the part of my depression that gets to me anyway.

Yesterday I even started sorting things out in the house! thats a biggie for me, I have 4 bin bags of clothes to take to the charity shop.

[COSGringo]

Me, myself and getting sober

I think everyone's chemistry is different. I don't think there's any one magic cure out there for one person's issues.

[YouKayBee]

Me, myself and getting sober

spacebebe01;1332556 wrote: Thanks Play, now Im off the bac I am feeling a bit kind of raw but ok. Im relieved to have made the decision to start the AB again and get some sober time. and Ive also still got the gabapentin and have re started campral to help me. I am definately feeling a lot better now Ive stopped taking bac. I have to say that for some people it seems to be a fantastic med, but for me it just doesnt work, maybe because I also have depression and it seemed to drag me down more into that. I think anything that saps my energy and makes me more tired probably would as thats the part of my depression that gets to me anyway.

Yesterday I even started sorting things out in the house! thats a biggie for me, I have 4 bin bags of clothes to take to the charity shop.

Space

I really struggled with bac, and became morbidly depressed on it - had some very wierd thoughts. Took a while to dissipate completely, think it was a couple of weeks before the last of the bad thoughts went away, but they've never returned. I'm also with you on the energy sapping, it just took my personal motivation right away.

This isn't a bac bashing post, just an empathising/sharing one because I know what it's like. I also know bac can and has helped an awful lot of people. It's just not suitable for everyone (just as the solution I found isn't either).

Don't feel bad, just do what you need to do - which is also what NE's post is about too. I'm still battling people who think I should do this, do that in all parts of my life and I just tell em to sod off when it gets too much.

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

Ive just been reading back over the past few weeks on this thread to see if I can make out what the fuck happened. Im shocked by the fact that it all happened so quickly, and that I gave up so quickly as well. I am feeling loads better without the bac se's, I do wonder what would have happened if Id carried on, but there no way of knowing, I was not only doing this alone but also in secret and I do think that made it near impossible for me.

Oh well onwards and upwards, I am glad that Im not drinking right now tho so thats one good thing to have come out of all this.

:l:h

[Bruunhilde]

Me, myself and getting sober

Glad you AF Space, I am once again beginning again. I don't know HOW in hell I went all those years being so hung over, it seems impossible that I got through each work day feeling like I'd been trampled upon.