Me, myself and getting sober

[COSGringo]

Me, myself and getting sober

Yup, you just move on and wait for the good ones to come along.

[Wildflowers]

Me, myself and getting sober

Ne/Neva Eva;1338838 wrote: I feel the same way. I mean, I know that what I'm struggling with right now is a pain, and feels like a slippery slope into something that would really suck, my mind and body are just different now. It's the kind of thing I thought would happen in a program--some sort of spiritual reinvention or rebirth or something. But instead it's just...different.

Glad you made it to group, Space. And sorry it's so hard to just get up and get out.

I feel a lot like both of you. The booze makes me sick. I'd think something major like in the past would have to happen to get me to want to stop drinking. Of course with my drinking history, I could start drinking again. There are no promises for me. But, maybe just maybe I've turned a corner in my mind. I hope so & hope so for us all that have struggled for so, so, so long!...

Physical pain, anxiety are what tries to lure me back too. Along with the She Devil voice ~ the disease. But with some AF time, I can compare the differences & it's better being AF. I'm thankful for Advil. Topa as it's helped with the depression. I'm forcing myself little by little to eat better, & go for walks. I use to be a healthy woman & alcohol has robbed me of life. It's not a race to get sober, but we don't give up. We keep trying & we will get there!.. We just have to. Still not sure how to make the anxiety completely go away. I'm thinking that I'm going to have live with it, but still practicing meditation. Need to put more effort into this. Must be patient with self. Baby steps...

Space, you are doing better! I can read it in your journey! OK so ya couldn't go do the haircut today. You've been going pal~mal for a while now. Plus, your tirating off the Serquel, so your body needs time to re-adjust. Just do what you can for today, which is already been great!

Look you really are kicking the beast in the ass. Good for you!

Hi Neva Neva ( sorry in advance posting screen so I can't see other posts, can't see your name ~ sp. Haven't had time to respond to the John Hopkins post. But, let me tell ya I agree 100%. Thanks you so much for posting that info!

Waving hi to Cos Gringo ( sp)

Have to run, have a great day! What a difference in how I feel when I get some zzzzzzzz

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

I am feeling better now (the olmifon) I have been able to cook the tea, wash the dishes and just took my son to the retail park to spend his ?5.00 pocket money, what a difference being awake and feeling normal makes.

Hi WF good of you to pop in, you do sound well today are you feeling it? How bad is your anxiety, do you take any other meds apart from Topa. I cant really give any advice about it apart from taking meds, I had bad anxiety for years which untreated just got worse and worse and made my life smaller by the day. Things I used to enjoy doing I was no longer able to do for fear of panic attacks, I can remember being so relieved that I could make it to the shop and back I would be in such a state at times. I drank it away and would say that it definatley fed my alcoholism it just became a vicious circle, the more I drank the worse I felt after, so I drank more, earlier in the day just to be able to function until I was drinking every waking hour and then couldnt function at all. all I could do was drink and pass out. Anyway enough of that old depressing story

Before we went to the shops my son was talking to me and he just said how much he hated my drinking and how he loves it that I dont do it anymore, he said he thinks it amazing so I quickly took an antabuse. Earlier this afternoon I had been thinking of getting a bottle of wine, I realised I had forgotten about it coming out of the shop but the fact that I had thought about getting one shows me I need to keep on my toes. Not that I believe a bottle of wine would be the undoing of me anymore, as Ive said I believe something has changed within me to stop me going back to those bad days but I just dont want to upset my kids and mum and apart form that I need to get some work done on the bridesmaids dresses tonight while my son is watching the football and I also dont want a hangover tomorrow.

Much love to you all xx

[COSGringo]

Me, myself and getting sober

Oh Space- BTW, CO is lovely. However not this summer. The country is getting hammered with heat. It's like 85 farenheit here which is unheard of this time of year. Supposed to be 90 tomorrow. Yuck
We have no humidity so it's not too bad and I sit in a big basement office and have the air conditioning cranked up all the time.
The hot tub does not get much use lately.
Big fires burning all around the state this year. I can't even camp out and get a fire going. So much for the summer.

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

I googled colorado weather and from what I can see and depending where you live it seems you can have pretty extreme weather, hot in summer and cold, snowy and blizzards in winter.

If its any consolation its been more like November here than June today, grey, windy, chilly and raining (again) so we cant do summer camping either

[COSGringo]

Me, myself and getting sober

Yup, colorado runs the whole gambit. I live at the edge of the mountains. Even when we get snow it does not feel that bad once it's over. We are up so high the sun makes it feel warmer than the temperature might say.
Please send us the grey rainy weather. It would put out some of these huge forest fires. Some are as large as 100 miles across. If you bring the smores we have plenty of places to cook them at.

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

Ha, I wish we could mix our weather together and share it out that way we might both get a decent summer. Whats a smore?

The olmifon is brilliant in that I am awake and able to function and do things. I am a bit worried about it because it works so well!!! I got up this morning at 9 to go and pick up a package from the post office and have been awake since. This would have been unheard of, also I have been doing things, even more unheard of over the past months. My worry here is that something was causing me to be ill like I was and may need treating, while I am self medicating I may just be covering it up, but any way nothing would be getting treated right now as in today so I am happy to feel like a normal person again instead of some bed bound invalid that I have been. Nothing else to say right now.

x

[COSGringo]

Me, myself and getting sober

Smore- that's those graham crackers with a marshmallow and a small chunk of chocolate between them. You roast them until they melt. Women and kids usually love them. Me not so much. Give me a steak.
What is olmifon? Is that like provigil? I was going to order that. I just need to be able to walk again and I will be happy.
Glad to hear you are feeling well today!

[playland]

Me, myself and getting sober

Hi space, I was quickly reading back a little and saw that you are getting off the seroquell, thank goodness, it really is a heavy medication, and you know that Valium and zanax are both highly addictive, so please be very careful in taking them, if at all.

I'm also from Colorado, the banana belt of the Rockies, sunnyn Colorado, looks much colder in the winter than it is. Space I'm glad you are feeling so much better, you sound really good. Things are going well here, much to tell you about, not enough time to write, but I am ok and will catch up at some point. The topa is keeping the cravings under control, about two glasses a day which is fine for being with the family and children.

Bye for now, love,
Play

[windycitylady]

Me, myself and getting sober

Space! I only have a minute, I'm on break from work, just wanted to say how happy I am that you're feeling better!! What is this new med? I'll google it when I'm done with work. I can't imagine how good it felt to hear your son say that about your drinking! I'm proud of you too.
You asked about my move on another thread, and I do want to talk about it. I think I need your guys' perspective. Maybe I'll dig up the AB and Nal thread...
Have a wonderful, productive day!!
Oh, and COS...85 and no humidity?! That's perfect! Try 95 with high humidity. While working on a patio outside cause apparently some sick fucks enjoy eating under those conditions. You got me beat on the wildfires though. Hope they're contained soon!

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

Not so keen on this med now, banging headache and I feel pretty low, but it did allow me to stay awake and be productive so I will still maybe use it but I was never intending to take it every day anyway. I still need to ask both docs what the hell is up with me. Im pissed off with the dress, I dont like it, need to work out how I can salvage it and change the design.

Thanks for your concern Play, yes I know valium is addictive but some days I need a bit more help. You sound settled in with your family and have the drink under control, looking forward to hearing more from you.

Windy I think theres only you, me and Bruun is still about somewhere off the AB/nal thread so you can use this one if you want to have a chat, its up to you where you want to do it tho Oh heat, sunshine, how I long to be able to just sit in the sun, mind you I never do at home so I dont know why I am saying that. 95 with high humidity sounds pretty unbearable and must make your job sooo much harder. Im proud of you too, in fact I think both of us have done pretty darn good


Thanks to everyone on here, I am suddenly feeling so grateful that you are around, I wouldnt be able to do this without you all.

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

I have for some unknown to me reason been reluctant to bring my thread back up. I hadnt noticed it untill Ne mentioned my thread and I realised I dont want to post on here. Thanks for the kick up the butt Ne

Part of it is I dont think Ive got much to say, but the other part is I have probably got loads to say but dont want to. The main thing is I do feel in a bit of a mess. That sounds strange to say when in days gone by my being in a mes would have meant my having been on a bender and caused myself and my family all kinds of god know what problems and upsets and my feeling and looking physically wrecked, but then I wouldnt have described that as a bit of a mess, just a mess.

The reason for this mess stems from a few things from what I can see, (if anyone else can see otherwise please dont hesitate to let me know). The first one being my mental/physical health, my depression has been horrible. Not the worst kind of in a hole, going mad, seeing no way out, wanting to die, hiding in a cupboard kind of depression but when I say horrible I mean long lasting, over around 4 months with very little let up, I have spent most of this time in bed asleep. Tiredness is crippling me and has taken my life from me, my need for sleep has been overwhelming and has become the strongest force in my life.. Sleep has come before everything and everyone else. This sleep need could be caused by either my medication, my mental health, my physical health ie, have I actually got something wrong with me physically that has been overlooked because of my mental health problems - the doctor just assumes its caused by depression without investigation.

Another thing bothering me is I have no plan. If I have a plan then I know where Im trying to go, what I want to achieve and what I need to do to get there. Even if I dont follow it I know what I want to try to do with my self. Right now I have no plan, no vision, no goal. The plan has to be mine tho, something that I understand, feel is doable and will make me feel better.

My meds.... This is a biggie, I was waiting and hoping for a good result yesterday when I saw my psychiatrist, I kind of messed up the appiontment, I was very anxious, forgot what I was there for and what I wanted to ask, lied about my drinking because I couldnt be arsed with her going through the whole dont drink thing, accepted a refferal to a place that supposedly does cbt but I have been there before and found it worse than useless, and the biggest opps of all, she did change my script for serequel to risperadal, but left my ad citalopram as it is, I hate citalopram, it makes me feel flat and may well have contributed to, tho not caused my problems over the past months. WTF!!!!
So now I am wondering what I can do with what I have got and what I can get. My scripted meds are:-

Citalopram 40mg
risperadol ?? just changed from serequel
Gabapentin 900mg given for migraines
Campral
Co codamol 30/500
HRT
valium (very limited supply)

thats it I think.

I would like to not have to take the citalopram, but it does help with my messy head and stop the invasive thoughts. I dont know if I could take Risperadol alone as an alternative or if this is going to be a worse nasty med.

So since I stopped the bac to see if that was the culprit in the tiredness this is what Ive been taking along with L glut and a few other vits/supps.

Over the past little while my drinking has not become out of control in the old way. I havent been drunk or drank of a daytime. While drinking the lager I did find I was starting to need it every night and start it earlier and drink more so I stopped it, since then I have had 2 bottles of wine on 2 consecutive nights, no problem not drinking the night after. Last night tho I did want a drink, but not enough to have to run off to the shop and get one, so not an out of control need. I know that need is lurking inside me tho and waiting for its opportunity, sometimes it feels very close, this is my major concern, I have temporarily stopped my heavy drinking, will time change this, I dont think so it never has in the past.

Because I dont get the whole scientific stuff all I can do regarding meds is go from my own experience, others experience, reading up about them on line and trying my best to make out what I can understand, then going on epocrates to see if there any interactions. So my knowledge is lacking, I wish a bloody would actually listen to me regarding prescribing maybe off label, maybe looking at alternatives.

The other stuff I have got some of is baclofen, modafinil, topamax and antabuse.

Modafinil - obvious use, I got it yesterday, before then I have taken a couple of Olmifon that I had here. Yes it seems to work to keep me awake but not with any motivation, I only had the first one yesterday then one today.

Baclofen - oh well, where do I start. I have attempeted HDB twice, both failed attempts. The first time I was AF and I think I got to around 100mgs and couldnt take what I can only describe as narcoleptic type effects, I was just falling asleep right left and centre. The second time was more recently during my lager drinking, I cant actaully remember what happened but I know I started drinking way more, it was out of control, I felt out of control in a very bad way, paraniod, scared, anxious, terrified of being caught drinking by my sons and getting drunk, a whole repeat of my past drinking days, didnt want to leave the house except to go for drink. So I stopped it. Before then I had been taking 40mg a day for quite a while and been fine, since then I have taken an occasional 10mg for anxiety which dies help.

Topamax - I have read into this as a possible med for bipolar as well as a drinking aid. Terrified of the se's the eye thing and hair loss. Also can I take it as well as gabapentin with them both being anti seizure meds. But, if it worked for my head shit ie the invasive thoughts that come along with biolar and total lack of motivation as well as drinking and I didnt get the se's then maybe I could take it instead of ad's or anti psychotics, and be able to drop the campral as well. That is a massive maybe, I do realise that.

Antabuse - I did manage to get 6 months AF using AB and LDB, most of that time was ok, at the end when the need to drink came back it was not good and also pretty scary knowing that I could end up drinking on it. I had been taking 1/2 a pill every day but started taking it every other day, then hit and miss I would forget about it and not know what I last took it, then I drank, I have vague reccolections of being very ill, vomiting, and vomiting, anyway I carried on for a few days of vodka around a litre and a half a day then stopped and a couple of days later started the lager thing. Since then I have taken AB a few times but worry about it because Im not totally erm I cant think of the word but I mean driven to wanting to be AF, dont know why I still need to drink I guess.

That is definately enough, I am making myself stop here, I dont know if anyone will actcually be able/want to read it but I hope someone does respond, I am feeling a bit delicate right now, my self esteem is not so good and I do need your support.

Thank you to all my fellow med threads MWOter's you are all fab :l:l:l:h

[Bruunhilde]

Me, myself and getting sober

Hi Space,

I'm sorry I haven't been much support lately having not been around MWO enough to track anyone's progress over time.

Do you remember when I took AB a couple days in a row (1/2 pills) then drank, and everyone worried about me? I got all red on my face/neck and took some benedryl but could still feel the constricted breathing which got worse AFTER I drank and I guess that's when the AB and AL were fighting each other in my bloodstream. So I have company, eh? Good to know I'm not the only crazy one. I started AB again two days ago and each day has been a battle with my drinking thinking. I just took another AB as I was writing this to ensure this Friday night will not result in another week or month or quarter year of hangover/depression/fat. I'm so tired of it all and AB is giving me the relief to have a few days free so I can feel less depressed. Waking up knowing I don't feel well enough to work out, that I drank my calories last night instead of eating healthy food, knowing I'm going nowhere with my body and brain by soaking it daily ... that all depresses the HELL out of me.

Using AB to be abstinent isn't a cure for me at this point, its more of a hand up out of the pool. A way to separate from the habit and to gain perspective. It doesn't cure my depression. But a ten or 30 minute walk and gabapentin together help, and not being hung helps.

When you were on AB for six months, I was always in awe of you Space. SIX MONTHS. A HUGE accomplishment. You can do AB every other week Space and feel alot better. I know you can do it if you could do 6 mos. And you sounded better although you were depressed, you seemed more up and hopeful.

[playland]

Me, myself and getting sober

Dear Space,

First off I want to say that I take both Topa 100 mg per day and Gabapenten 300 mg (for pain) together withouth any problems at all, no further problems with my eyes and no hair loss. I also take 100 mg Zoloft per day for depression for the last 10 years, no problems but fell miserable sad if I try to stop, I would rather feel better taking it.

My impression as a nurse is that you take too many medications without the doctor properly investigating what is causing your feeling so bad and there is no way to really know what might be causing it and on top of that the doc it adding new things to the mix. In a way a "drug holiday" (except for the ones that you have taken for a long time and know really work for you) might be in order as well as a new doctor that would be interested in really sorting out the cause of what is going on, kind of like a new start in this area. I feel that some real investigation needs to be done by someone that is interested and who is knowledgable in this area. Is it possible to start asking around if anyone has a doctor that they really love that you might start seeing, it does not have to be a psych dr.

Too many medications always interact in lots of ways that we never really can know and the more that are added to the mix well the more complicated things become and the more difficult it can become to know what is going on, kind of like trying to figure out what food you might be allergic to while you are still eating everything.

Let us know what you think, I know you cannot just stop taking meds but maybe there is a doc out there that can help with this.

Love you a lot,
Play

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

Thanks Bruun and Play, I totally agree with you on the amount of meds I take, and nearly all are prescribed to me by docs. The problem in the UK with doctors is, although its great having the NHS, I can go to the doc when I want, I can get scripts for free, I dont have to pay for tests like bloods, x-rays and the like and dont have to worry about insurance. that downside is you get what you get. You have to choose a gp in your own area, so I think mine is probably the best of a bad bunch, he then referred me to a psychiatrist,who I again had no choice about. There is in fact a psychiatrist in Liverpool whos interest is alcohol addiction but I cannot get to see him. I cannot afford to pay to see someone as a private patient, I wish I could I reckon then I might be able to get my meds sorted.

Hi Bruun, sorry you have not beein feeling good but at least now you can get some days together, the walking and taking gabapentin sound like a good plan. I know I can get AF time, that is no longer my problem. My problem with drink is that its still there in my mind, I know I will drink again no matter what I do, I think I said I still want to drink but thats not correct, if I wanted to drink I would just do that wouldnt I, I am still driven to drink. Maybe the fact that I have stopped so many times is now working against me in that its like Hey, I know I can stop so I will just have one today. although as I have said, I now seem to have some kind of grip on it and havent been drunk in a while even tho I have drank. Or maybe thats just another bullshit mindgame. Who knows. Keep on trying Bruun love ya:l