Bac, $, suicidal, and more fun

[COSGringo]

Hi All. Thanks for this forum. I am up to about 50mg daily on Bac and this is aboiut 2.5 weeks in. I have spoken to the "doc". That is how I will refer to him. Some of you know him. Kind odd he cannot even spell "Brian" correclty. He is charging me $130. He did ask me my profession but for me I am broke. I see an analyst who charges me $100 (less than normal) as my insurance won't cover any of this. "Doc" seems to think my insurance will cover this due to his credentials but it does not work that way as he is out of my network.
I am getting the vivid dreams which I am fine with no matter how bizarre and well twisted they are. I am having sleep cycle issues where I can't sleep at night and I am tired and need to nap during the day (reminds me of an SSRI I was on). It's ok right now as my job is closed for about 1 week for the holidays. Not sure I can keep this going.
I get the dizzy spells and I am not drinking much less. I drink all the time but not a whole lot. I just got back from a bad family Xmas visit in Vegas (I know bad spot but had little choice).
Not talking with my folks which is nothing too new. They blame others. My analyst does not know I am drinking. I cannot afford both although perhaps I should find a way. I cannot afford the "doc" at $130for a 20 min talk although I think I could speak with him better since he is prescribing the meds. I am ok with dropping my regular analyst. I am going to come clean with thatweekly group I see- "think weekly Bob Newhart" session.
I have become suicidal. Not like the off the chart kill myself kind of way but more like how do I make it look like an accident so my wife gets the insurance she deserves. Perhaps it's a stage but I am concerned about setting up another talk session with the "doc" as I am not sure I can keep up the charges and I am not good at confronting this with him even though my job issues I can handle.
So now what? I really need to get this figured out. I can't do rehab as I am sure it will cost me my job in the long run. I know that should be low on my priorities but that is the way I was brought up so it's number one in my head. My parents are sick about me but I did come clean with 2 of my 3 brothers (not sure the 3rd matters as he does not care what others think).
Ideas? Please realize I don't like confrontation with docs and I think "doc" may believe I have $ I don't really have.
Thanks so much!!!

[COSGringo]

Bac, $, suicidal, and more fun

BTW, sorry about the bad spelling. It's very very early here and I have only had about 4 hrs sleep.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Bac, $, suicidal, and more fun

Naw, Reggie. He's a newbie. (What's a fresno new year???)

Hi, Gringo. Suicide is certainly one way out, but it's a pretty shitty one when it comes right down to it. It's not just the insurance money, though you might as well get something from them after paying for it. It is also the fact that your wife is likely to be really, really upset about the matter. Ya' know?

Just tell Dr. L your situation. No excuses necessary. He's heard it all before. And so far, he's been fair.

Sounds to me like the other pdoc is not helping much...If he is, then yay! find a way. If not, well what doesn't help might be hurting. Right?

Hang in there. There are WAY better ways out of the hell that you're in, I promise you. In the meantime read around and get to know us a bit. (Don't mind the kerfuffle. Though it exists, it doesn't define us.)

Many, many :l Gringo.
Ne

[COSGringo]

Bac, $, suicidal, and more fun

Thx, did not see Reggie's comment but I can imagine it. Have read "End of My Addiction". Good book. I will have to read "Heal Thyself".
You are right about the 'S' solution. I did not make this mess up though sadly.
I will try to speak to "doc" about this. I do think "pdoc" will need to go although he is a highly regarded and well published but is an analyst and not a psych. Perhaps lies are not a good way to base a forward solution with the "pdoc". Just feel like I am letting so many down.
Sorry I mentioned that other path as I am guessing that's a big no-no.
Thank you for the advice. You seem like a really good and caring person. Do you think the "Bac" will kick in soon and the side effects may perhaps dissipate?
B

[COSGringo]

Bac, $, suicidal, and more fun

OK, dying (not literally) to know about the Fresno concept. I hear Fresno is the raisin capital so perhaps we are talking about I have the brain of one.HFDB? Huge "D" bag? I've been called a lot of things but that will be a new one. I hate not knowing the answer. I should be an online researcher as I won't drop it until I figure it out. Did not see much on the Urban Dictionary.
To all, feliz ano nuevo. No, I am not Spanish just like to practice the "tongue" as I love speaking it and I am not brain dead quite yet.

[COSGringo]

Bac, $, suicidal, and more fun

No worries. I am stupid all the time. I would not have my addictions otherwise most likely.
Bac- been on it 2.5 weeks now. I am at 50 mg. 20/10/20. Will go to 20/20/20 next weekd. This as per the "doc"'s instructions. So I am still low on that level. Perhaps I just have some other issues I need to deal with but this seems to be giving me an excuse to call it all drinking and allows me to drink without worrying about that issue since I believed I found an solution.
BTW- I like that picture. Not sure where I know it from.

[COSGringo]

Bac, $, suicidal, and more fun

Love boats. Talking to the doc mentioned in other threads. I have an analyst too but I am not truly honest with him. Most people think I have my life together. I look good and I am good at not mentioning the pancreatitis and the seizure I had when trying to quit before.
Love boats although I am a neophyte. One would think I would know more after all the fishing and time I spent on the East coast crabbing and such. Last time I was captain was off the coast of Mexico on the Pacific side as the capitan had too much mezcal on a small island we went to. My fault for buying them. Nice honeymoon eh?

[COSGringo]

Bac, $, suicidal, and more fun

Well captain may be a stretch. I handled my liquor well then and someone had to get the boat back. That happend several times in my life. I even managed to tow a rather large boat with my truck, not screw it up on launch, get it started when it failed and got us far enough to get a tow home. Size? Geez not good with the boat sizes for some reason but well over 25'. You could have stayed on that for a week easily. Beds, bathrooms, the whole deal. I paid good $ for that day out on the boat.
Captain was happy on the mezcal and of course we had beer, bait, and food. Also, my newlywed who is a better person than I but an "enabler" as some may call that. My fauilt, not hers. She did not drink before I met her.
Alchy? Well 14 probably would be my best guess at a start at achieving that goal. Drank beer and drank well starting about 18 when I drove to California and moved there for some years. Dependence? Well my best guess would be around 35? I am 41 now. Being in sales for some years did not help but I think I am just the dependent type to be honest.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Bac, $, suicidal, and more fun

:l Gringo. You're among several of us who like to sprinkle in espanol. One is a teacher!

I also enjoy the occasional British-ism. They think they know english. pah! I beg to differ. But they have great slang and insults across the pond.
You can mention the other thing, I assume you are referring to taking yourself out, but it's fightin' words, for sure. As in, we'll fight for you to stick around.

Gotta run. Back later.

[COSGringo]

Bac, $, suicidal, and more fun

Thank you so much. Yes, it's a stupid idea. I get frustrated easily. Thank God my wife does not take me seriously. I did mean it though as I have tried years ago. Well before I had a decent career, insurance, and kind/gentle wife. Funny, did not work and no one except my parents know but I am pretty sure they deny it happened in their minds.
Hope life is ok on the East coast. Looks like you might have had some weather move through. Snow here is finally melting fast. We had a white Xmas but I was in Vegas and did not get to enjoy it except to drive in it to the airport and fun filled delayed flights.
B

[COSGringo]

Bac, $, suicidal, and more fun

Oh, btw. Love the folks across the pond. Really love Londoners. Miss the ale but perhaps that's a good thing. Did not get too much slang when I've been there nor did I have time to take in the cockney accent. Loved Amy Winehouse although I will probably catch h#ll for that. Sorry, good stuff.
Caught heck for tipping at an Italian restaurant in the theater/theatre district but hey I'm American and I was in the biz for many years so tough for me not to drop a pound here and there. Did not tip the tenders much but I know I would have caught heck for that.