Wouldn't Take Nothin For My Journey Now

[cumberbund]

Wouldn't Take Nothin For My Journey Now

Well, I'm still hopeful!! (see: mood)

Since I last posted I got sucked into a black hole of a project and have been working on it almost 24/7. Also my HD crashed and took along with it some HUGE files, my laptop died, I got rid of my iphone (my secondary relationship), my primary relationship has taken a nose dive (breakup imminent and rather unavoidable but still not expected at this time), I got sick with the flu and I'm still not quite over the respiratory congestion, I started stress smoking again (re:flu... ALSO NOT HELPFUL TO BREATHING), I picked a fight or two with everyone I know, cancelled other projects and had to disappoint people, etc., etc, etc.

So... it's been a horrific few weeks. Does any of this relate to baclofen?

Yes, possibly. U I did precipitously stop zoloft, thereby causing an emotional weaknesses in dealing with the stress of a tough project, which then snowballed. Or maybe, no. I was actually feeling really great after two weeks of zoloft-free life, and then this project came along. Maybe the culprit is THE PROJECT? Or?? Which is it ...one, both or neither, or something that I never considered????

Thanks for your meaured responses about stopping zoloft. I, too, felt it was a bit soon, but it sort of began happening after a few missed doses and I did not feel inclinded to arrest it. I wanted to take the chance, and I did. At first I felt GREAT. And for the next week I felt great on baclofen alone up until the project stress/relationship breakup/HD & laptop crash. I was titrating up well, making my goals, and my drinking/smoking/anxiety/depression was dramatically lessened and I was madly hopeful that I had, at last, found a solution to my behavior pattern. And then??? I still don't know what happened. I don't know what to attribute it to. Maybe just stress. Maybe lack of zoloft.

And now?? Well, maybe I should just post again in one week (project OVER by then!!!! YAY~~~)

I am still titrating up on baclofen. I was supposed to go for more today, but I just don't think I can do it. I cannot spare the brain space to even think about it. So... My 25/20/15 seems okay, and I am going to have to leave it as is for another week because I just can't deal with it.

I am still hopeful, and will come back and have time to read posts and restore my equilibrium in a week or so. I hate letting a project do this to my life. I hope I don't let it happen again.

cheers,
cb

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Wouldn't Take Nothin For My Journey Now

Sometimes it happens. The whole "project is bigger than life" thing. It drives me crazy, too. But what're you going to do? I'm just glad life isn't defined by a week or month...
I have figured out (because so many people have told me) that keeping all the other stuff simple is the only way I can handle kerfuffle in the moment. Good for you for that!

Hang in there. I'm looking forward to hearing about what's going on.

[redhead77]

Wouldn't Take Nothin For My Journey Now

Cb, you got rid of your iphone? That alone might throw me over the edge. I, too, am looking forward to hearing what's going on when the roller coaster stops. I hope the project you're working on turns out fabulous.

[cumberbund]

Wouldn't Take Nothin For My Journey Now

Thanks to the person who posted about Clearheaded's suicide. That's really why I'm back here to finish up my tale (or the baclofen part of it anyway).

I dropped in again looking for info on naltrexone, and saw the post. I saw a lot of posts about baclofen problems, but frankly, my own experience is still so raw that I could not even look at them. But the word "suicide" caught my eye because I was so close to doing it myself at the end of July.

Maybe I will post more later, if anyone wants to know, but to keep it short: I drink too much. It was ruining my life. I also have problems with anxiety and depression. I was taking Zoloft. I really wanted to stop drinking.

I got a prescription for baclofen. I made an attempt to use it as prescribed, and for the most part did so for the first month, titrating up as recommended. I did not call the doctor as suggested. I did not tell the doctor of the side effects I was having. I stopped taking Zoloft immediately, as baclofen made me feel less anxiety and I felt emotionally well. I thought I could handle all this.

Many weird side effects, including a numb mouth and tongue which made me self-consciously mumbly-mouthed. Very slow cognitive reaction time. Painfully slowed. I think co-workers thought I was hung over or drunk at work. I wasn't, I was elated because I was not drinking, and thanking the heavens for baclofen, so I was willing to put up with the side effects, and just hoped they would taper off after a while. Then I began sleeping excessively. I spoke to the doctor, complained about the side effects. Titrate up faster, was the response. The side effects began to overwhelm me. I was asleep more than I was awake. I felt great, euphoric even, no anxiety, no depression, no drinking. But I was not awake most of the time. When I was, I felt slow and stoned. Happily stoned, but not fully functional.

After a few months the side effects did not get better and my life was falling apart. I made up my mind to titrate down as recommended, slowly and carefully. I did not tell the doctor. I did not want to talk about defeat or hear about how I should just stick with it. I willfully made the decision to do things my way.

I went to stay with a friend and spent two weeks in a dark room, titrating down, sleeping and detoxing. I told my friend the side effects of baclofen withdrawl, and asked her to keep an eye on me. Luckily, I never did hallucinate or experience obvious psychosis. I only had 2 weeks off of work, so I titrated more quickly than recommended. I was also hasty because I felt so out of control and I wanted it out of my body. I really felt quite destabilized. It was very stressful. I was very depressed and anxious. Insomnia struck at nights and I slept all day. My thinking was very disordered. I drank a lot. I wanted to die a lot. I often made plans that I thought I would carry out after I left my friend's house. It was a particularly horrible time, and I am still amazed I made it through. Even after having depression all my life, it was the closest I have ever come to actually making definite, practical plans to kill myself.

But I did not. Eventually the fog lifted. It took about a month after stopping baclofen completely, and beginning an SSRI again. I still do not feel entirely stable, although it is probably just residual fear and fragility. The experience spiraled out of control for me so quickly that I still feel a great deal of fear about how badly wrong it went, and how I managed to almost completely destroy the construct of my life with some small pills.

I don't want to dissuade anyone from anything. I would just like to offer up my cautionary tale. I was cocky and did many wrong things. I wish baclofen had worked for me. It made me not want to drink (amazing) but destabilized my life with side effects and the withdrawal almost destroyed me. But I am still here. I am still looking for something that will help me. I still drink too much. I am still looking for a way out.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Wouldn't Take Nothin For My Journey Now

Thanks for sharing your story, Cumberbund. I am so sorry for your experience.

You are not the first person to stop taking an AD, and I've never seen it work out very well. I'm very grateful that you pulled through and are piecing things back together. I really, really hope that you're seeing a doctor now? Particularly because you still feel so fragile. Therapy? It helps me sort my thoughts a great deal.

I'm also really glad you haven't given up the fight. The best place to find info about naltrexone, at least the Sinclair method, is on the TSM website.

Please take good care of yourself. :l