Okay.
I had a lot of misgivings about posting this. I have been trying for a couple of weeks to decide whether or not to post and if so, how to do it . It is probably going to end up rated NC-17 and is going to open me up to a lot of disdain and disapproval. But I really do believe it is important or I would never write it.
I plan on posting this in a couple of forums, using the same identity. I think it is something that someone might need to read. But I didn't want to post it. Still don't. Because even tho we use user-names and it would be difficult to actually learn who we are, some of us are protective of our online personas. We want people to think that we are better than we really are. I want you to believe that I am a perfect person...well, except that I am a drunk. If not for alcohol, I might be mistaken for the Second Coming. I certainly don't want you to see the dark side.
There is a dark, perhaps darker, side. And it is this darker side that has proven to me that extinction works. I don't know what exactly it means, or whether or not it applies exactly and equally to my alcoholism, but I have been convinced that extinction as outlined in the Sinclair Method is real and available to me. And because extinction exists, I have hope for tomorrow. Some of you have no idea how huge hope is.
So:
I am not in a sexual relationship. Haven't been in one for a couple of years. For at least the last two years, all of my sex has been in the privacy of my own company. BUT, for that two years my sex life has been regular and frequent. At least once a week, often more, I would be so engaged.
My episodes almost always included streaming internet porn. It's everywhere and immediate, and I availed myself frequently. I love internet porn. There are a couple of sites where I would spend hours at a time. And every weekend I would find time to get online. And there were a couple of ?triggers?, times that a short window of time would open up and it was automatic that I would indulge. Pretty much every time these windows opened, I responded.
There were also about an equal number of times that there was no audio/visual accompaniment. Usually during a morning shower. The urge would present itself, and I would act on it.
And so it was, and so it has been.
A couple of weeks ago I was surfing the web, researching naltrexone. Again. Have been lurking on this site for a long time, belong to a couple of forums that feature The Sinclair Method, but I still try to read as much about this method, and other treatments for alcoholism, as is available. I don't read all of the articles but do read the brief summaries.
NALTREXONE AND INTERNET PORN ADDICTION. Or something like that was the search result.
I really just skipped on past it because I was looking for drinking connections. But my mind started processing what I had read. And I was amazed.
Extinction works.
The extinction happened so gradually that I wasn't aware of it, but happen it did. I had discontinued an endorphin-driven activity and hadn't even noticed. It was simply no longer a part of my life.
Mid-November 2011 I was prescribed naltrexone and abstinence (from alcohol), and for the most part I followed that protocol for the next four months. Really tried to control my alcohol consumption as I took my Nal every day. I did not, however, try to control everything. Whenever the mood hit, I engaged in self-pleasure. Whenever.
It was only after reading the search summary that I realized it had been a month or so since I had last indulged. Hmmmm. And I thought about the last time. I can remember that it was the usual time of indulgence and that the result was sort of like having mopped a floor....yeah, it needed doing but it wasn't much fun.
And I could remember a week or so later thinking that it was again time for an episode...but it held no appeal for me. So I did not engage.
And had not thought about it since. At all.
You have no idea what a difference it was, and what a big deal it is.
Another addiction wasn't curbed...wasn't in decline...it was gone.
And it's not that I couldn't participate. I have contact with people that cause physical reaction, create desire, but it subsides and I move on. There is no physical deficiency, but there is no psychological/physiological compulsion.
There is no way for me to convince you how big this is or what a difference it makes. Or how important this is to my ?hope? level. But it is what it is.
I believe that I am taking a drug that can and will remove physiological/subconscious compulsion, and that it is compulsion that keeps me addicted. If I can keep this battle in the realm of physical and mental I can beat it.
I accept that I have made a mess of this post, but I assure you that it is true and heartfelt.
Extinction exists. I am going to prove it. Again.
I had a lot of misgivings about posting this. I have been trying for a couple of weeks to decide whether or not to post and if so, how to do it . It is probably going to end up rated NC-17 and is going to open me up to a lot of disdain and disapproval. But I really do believe it is important or I would never write it.
I plan on posting this in a couple of forums, using the same identity. I think it is something that someone might need to read. But I didn't want to post it. Still don't. Because even tho we use user-names and it would be difficult to actually learn who we are, some of us are protective of our online personas. We want people to think that we are better than we really are. I want you to believe that I am a perfect person...well, except that I am a drunk. If not for alcohol, I might be mistaken for the Second Coming. I certainly don't want you to see the dark side.
There is a dark, perhaps darker, side. And it is this darker side that has proven to me that extinction works. I don't know what exactly it means, or whether or not it applies exactly and equally to my alcoholism, but I have been convinced that extinction as outlined in the Sinclair Method is real and available to me. And because extinction exists, I have hope for tomorrow. Some of you have no idea how huge hope is.
So:
I am not in a sexual relationship. Haven't been in one for a couple of years. For at least the last two years, all of my sex has been in the privacy of my own company. BUT, for that two years my sex life has been regular and frequent. At least once a week, often more, I would be so engaged.
My episodes almost always included streaming internet porn. It's everywhere and immediate, and I availed myself frequently. I love internet porn. There are a couple of sites where I would spend hours at a time. And every weekend I would find time to get online. And there were a couple of ?triggers?, times that a short window of time would open up and it was automatic that I would indulge. Pretty much every time these windows opened, I responded.
There were also about an equal number of times that there was no audio/visual accompaniment. Usually during a morning shower. The urge would present itself, and I would act on it.
And so it was, and so it has been.
A couple of weeks ago I was surfing the web, researching naltrexone. Again. Have been lurking on this site for a long time, belong to a couple of forums that feature The Sinclair Method, but I still try to read as much about this method, and other treatments for alcoholism, as is available. I don't read all of the articles but do read the brief summaries.
NALTREXONE AND INTERNET PORN ADDICTION. Or something like that was the search result.
I really just skipped on past it because I was looking for drinking connections. But my mind started processing what I had read. And I was amazed.
Extinction works.
The extinction happened so gradually that I wasn't aware of it, but happen it did. I had discontinued an endorphin-driven activity and hadn't even noticed. It was simply no longer a part of my life.
Mid-November 2011 I was prescribed naltrexone and abstinence (from alcohol), and for the most part I followed that protocol for the next four months. Really tried to control my alcohol consumption as I took my Nal every day. I did not, however, try to control everything. Whenever the mood hit, I engaged in self-pleasure. Whenever.
It was only after reading the search summary that I realized it had been a month or so since I had last indulged. Hmmmm. And I thought about the last time. I can remember that it was the usual time of indulgence and that the result was sort of like having mopped a floor....yeah, it needed doing but it wasn't much fun.
And I could remember a week or so later thinking that it was again time for an episode...but it held no appeal for me. So I did not engage.
And had not thought about it since. At all.
You have no idea what a difference it was, and what a big deal it is.
Another addiction wasn't curbed...wasn't in decline...it was gone.
And it's not that I couldn't participate. I have contact with people that cause physical reaction, create desire, but it subsides and I move on. There is no physical deficiency, but there is no psychological/physiological compulsion.
There is no way for me to convince you how big this is or what a difference it makes. Or how important this is to my ?hope? level. But it is what it is.
I believe that I am taking a drug that can and will remove physiological/subconscious compulsion, and that it is compulsion that keeps me addicted. If I can keep this battle in the realm of physical and mental I can beat it.
I accept that I have made a mess of this post, but I assure you that it is true and heartfelt.
Extinction exists. I am going to prove it. Again.
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